On holiday with DH who doesn't do change well and has social and communication difficulties. Can anyone give me tips as I am finding it very stressful?

[tinseloatcake]

I had some useful tips on a previous thread but I didn't manage to read them in time. I'm finding things really difficult as I'm on holiday with my husband who is proving very difficult to have a nice time with .

He pulls his weight at home because we have worked out a system where he has some very regimented jobs but it just falls apart when we are away. We end up in an argument every 10 seconds.

He cannot keep the children safe while cycling, let alone pack a picnic or jolly them along when some one falls off etc. He cannot read a map on the go.

He gets really annoyed by me if I ask him to do things but says he is willing to help, and I generally think he is. But I find it baffling. My latest example is we got back from aforementioned long bike ride and everyone is hot and sweaty. He said I might go and fix the fridge. I said can you get everyone a big drink first, he started to re arrange all the chairs. I was can you get everyone a drink - and he says I am, I'm just making the chairs all nice ... So I get the drinks and he is annoyed with me.

Please give me tips. I am genuinely thinking about getting stuck into the booze to dull my frustration with it. But it is not constructive. If you offered something on the previous thread I didn't get to read and digest so I would be grateful for more help.

Thank you

@YellowFish12

If he struggles with that but you don’t, why don’t you drive?

Because she already does EVERY fucking other thing in their life

She doesnt. She is talking about holidays.

And how much effort is the regulation 3pm snacks apple anyways? You dont even need to get up. "Kids if you are hungry go grab something from the fruitbowl"

we got back from aforementioned long bike ride and everyone is hot and sweaty. He said I might go and fix the fridge

Here, I would have just gone and made the drinks rather then telling him to do it when he’d just said he was going to do something else you’d told him to do.

It sounds like he’s so used to you giving him instructions and being told what you think is right and wrong that he’s lost confidence and is anxious about making decisions on his own.

I don't have experience with autism, but my partner has adhd and I likely have it too ( not diagnosed).

I really recommend both of you do a lot of research on autism - blogs and YouTube channels where people describe what actually works for them.

This has been a massive game changer for me. For example, I was always late to stuff. If I put in a massive effort I could be on time. But normally, late. Not really fair on others I know, but I had no idea how to change it. Timeliness is such a basic thing, it never occurred to me that is a skill you can learn.

Since learning about executive dysfunction and time blindness, I see it as an impairment, and I need to use strategies like someone else would need glasses. If I have to go somewhere, I get pen and paper and draw a diagram of all of the blocks of time and what happens in each of them, eg a ten minute block for packing a bag. So I know when to start getting ready! And I draw symbols of all the things I'll need, and work out where they are, and whether they need to be prepped in advance.

Seems ridiculous when most people do that in their heads. But it's wonderful, I'm now on time 95% of the time. I feel so much better about myself now I'm not making all my friends wait.

Neurodiversity challenges can't be solved by trying harder, but they can be handled by adapting and finding the right strategies.

I don’t think the op particularly wants the children to have an apple each day at 3pm. I suspect though that her husband needs that “rule” otherwise there’d be no snack or he wouldn’t know if a biscuit at 2pm or a banana at 4pm was a problem and he’d be up finding op to ask.... I have an autistic child and I can totally see that he would find a vague “the kids can have a snack this afternoon” anxiety inducingly vague. He likes a concrete situation. What looks like “controlling” behaviour is sometimes just necessary. I’m sure op would love to go out for an afternoon and be confident her husband would “use his initiative and common sense” to make appropriate decisions and remember what needs to be done.

I agree that a partner can lose confidence if they are always being directed and told what to do. It becomes a vicious circle and instead of taking any initiative they dilly dally around awaiting instruction, which means the other person has to take control even more.

Also you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. If someone isn’t a Bear Grylls outdoors building a shelter type, then you have to accept that a different type of holiday might be less stressful. Nagging and finding fault aren’t going to make them a different person and is only going to increase tensions.

That being said, the dh needs to pitch in 50/50 and they should identify what they are both best at.

My suggestion on the other thread doesn’t help you now, but it remains true, plan different holidays.

Some people love a free form caravan holiday. It’s my idea of torture. My favorite holidays are venues that run with perfect precisionIt’s like stepping into the world as it was meant to be.

I really would sit down with him after this trip and talk about what you each want to get out of a holiday and find out how to plan one where both of you can enjoy the experience.

Doesn’t sound like much of a holiday for anyone.

TBH you sound controlling.

As I say things have picked up, but people seem to be getting the wrong end of the stick.

The fridge thing is fucking off for some peace and quiet and leaving the wife work to me. Likewise if I drive on holiday then it is just me doing it all. And the reason they don't get themselves an apple is that her prefers to cut them up for them. I might have not mentioned he has a tendancy to mollycoddle them and hadn't really acknowledged they are growing up. Nevertheless if they didn't eat they would be overtired and grumpy and I can live without coming home from work to that thanks.

I should have been clearer - he does his fair share at home means he does a significant proportion of the shit work as he does no actual thinking stuff . He knows this too

I probably am controlling tbh, Im not sure though which came first...

@IrmaFayLear

I agree that a partner can lose confidence if they are always being directed and told what to do. It becomes a vicious circle and instead of taking any initiative they dilly dally around awaiting instruction, which means the other person has to take control even more.

Also you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. If someone isn’t a Bear Grylls outdoors building a shelter type, then you have to accept that a different type of holiday might be less stressful. Nagging and finding fault aren’t going to make them a different person and is only going to increase tensions.

That being said, the dh needs to pitch in 50/50 and they should identify what they are both best at.

I agree with your first paragraph. But equally it could be autism. I guess if he struggled with stuff to start with, it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation.

Could this be impacting your children OP?

Likewise if I drive on holiday then it is just me doing it all

But if he can’t navigate and drive, doesn’t it become stressful? I would rather navigate whilst he drives (then you are both doing something) than be stressed and get lost!

As I say I do navigate while he drives. My point about maps was actually about cycling or walking.

@tinseloatcake

As I say I do navigate while he drives. My point about maps was actually about cycling or walking.

But if he’s crap at map reading whilst cycling and walking, and you’re not, then you do it? I don’t see the problem-surely that makes for a happier journey.

I think this is about playing to your strengths- he obvucan’t just not do anything on holiday, but divide things up fairly. If you’ve managed to do this effectively at home, apply the same logic to holidays

No more self-catering holidays. I'd look at all-inclusives where you can separate and he can do his thing and you do yours.

Do you want to make all these adjustments though?! Sounds like hard work.

This sounds like my DH, he got an autism diagnosis in January last year. He's alright at home with his jobs and routines but I do find myself constantly poking him to get stuff done.

Well I just did the AQ test online on his behalf and he got severe autistic traits. I got a very low score. I've just realised I am a glass half full person and am making the best of a situation. What to do now I have no idea.

I have floated the idea once or twice in relation to his nephew / brother or our son who is quite interesting in his own way, but he just looks at me like I am taking the piss.

Now is not the time. Not least because he is currently in a strop because he spent ages tidying up while I took the kids to the park but missed lots of stuff and forgot to give ds his medicine

I hope you two find a way to talk about it and work out constructive solutions (without all the mental load of doing that falling on you!).

It sounds like there are positives to your relationship but that his rigid behaviours are utterly dragging you down. If he comes to agree that he's autistic (perhaps by formal diagnosis, obviously not just off of a Mumsnet thread), and if you are able to have frank discussions about autistic vs neurotypical traits, you can work out solutions that are fair and play to both your strengths.

Thanks for such kind words. This thread has been in some ways great. Ill digest and come back for a reread

@tinseloatcake

Well I asked him to do it on Tuesday. Not immediately on a return from a bike ride on Thursday when all the kids needed attention. Wife work isn't it.

Did you though? Did you ask him to look at the fridge on Tuesday , or did it just happen to be Tuesday when you asked him to look at the fridge? If the latter it might not occur to him that you wanted him to fix it that same day. "Will you try to fix the fridge today please" would be a better way of getting it done when you wanted. (Not " can you" because that might get you a Yes but then no action. And as it wouldn't be a lie he might not see anything wrong with that.).

It doesn't matter how good your communication is with other people, he's not other people. And yes you are on separate planets. His brain literally thinks a different way to yours and he sees the world and situations differently to you. If you can learn to say exactly what you mean, maybe you'd see an improvement in him because he wouldn't be having to mentally translate what you're saying into what you're really meaning.

Honestly I'd have tacked "right now, before you do anything else, please" onto the request to fetch everyone a drink.

I don't think you're controlling, more you've ended up in that sort of role because you're 'managing' him. So it's not a flaw in your personality, it's a symptom of the chaos caused by his condition.

@tinseloatcake

As I say I do navigate while he drives. My point about maps was actually about cycling or walking.

Check out the 9yr olds map reading talent and whether (s)he has any interest in it. Maybe the 9yr old would be a happy and useful navigator.

Can DH be in charge of ensuring the fruit bowl is always full? Then you could have a rule that the 3pm snack is always some kind of fruit. Or could you relax things a bit and have a rule that any snack is suitable? I mean it's one snack not a main meal, so as long as they're not eating dog food or licking crumbs off the carpet does it really matter what the snack is?

This sounds really tough OP. It definitely sounds like he may have ASD. I think with the right understanding and support you could probably find ways to co-exist that eased the burden on you while enabling your DH to maximise his effectiveness and capability. I don't have much useful advice, but just wanted to extend some empathy for where you're at.

Thanks for further comments, I'm lying here awake in the caravan re-evaluating the last 10 years of my life and I can see a pattern now to many of the long standing issues in our relationship.

The 9 yo can navigate well and does often. She can also sort snack if I am not around. The issue is trying to navigate the difference between giving her more responsibility and her taking on the role that should be his. The whole apple thing came about because if he is responsible for meals he doesn't ensure he gives them fruit and veg, he just always feeds them something simple and doesn't even think of things like making it healthy. So he is in charge of breakfast on school days and just tries to make porridge every day. Which causes upset with them but also means that if he also does another meal then there is no fruit or veg at all all day except for school dinners offer.. Fine for a one off, not fine for all the time.

I've realised a problem I keep having with homework. He has a job now of printing off school newsletters as otherwise he would ignore them. The printing is for the nanny. They keep not getting their homework done and I keep not knowing why. It is supposed to be his job. I've realised he just prints them as that is the task. He doesn't actually read them.

Some advice from anyone still reading on two fronts please:

1. Do I just give up on stuff he is not great at - like making sure they do homework or thinking for heelf re healthy diets etc or are there ways he can take on these jobs? (Another one is he is supposed to give Ds medicine daily and reorder and collect a repeat prescription. He gives it daily but I have to nag him to reorder the prescription and nag him to collect it in time - he won't factor in a Sunday for eg so nearly runs out if I don't remind him) I find it stressful as it is basically therefore my job with him in the middle.

1. How on earth do I broach this with him?

I've been