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Original poster

Did any one make a conscious decision to stay single for till the kids were older after a divorce?

55 replies

Milkywayqueen · 02/06/2021 23:25

Just wondering really.

Had a chat with my friend tonight and she said as its been a year after the split I should 'get back out there and start dating'. Ive told her I've made a decision not to as I don't want to unsettle the kids. Friend thinks ill struggle to meet some one when im old Grin

Ex is seeing some one but they haven't met them or know they exist.

OP posts:
fedupandfiredup · 02/06/2021 23:28

Yes I waited initially until we were all settled. Met someone after 3.5 years and it's worked out really well. Kids get on brilliantly with him. Do it in your own time- no rush! I was 34 when first separated and 37 when I met my partner. 39 now

Zofloramummy · 02/06/2021 23:30

I’m single, dd is 10. Relationships don’t come with a guarantee and my focus is on providing dd with a stable, happy childhood knowing that she is my priority. Also it models independence, I can build flat packs, open jars, hang wallpaper, cut and fix skirting boards etc.

Whilst I know that some people have a positive experience with blended families I’m just not willing to take the risk. Also the longer I’ve been single the more contented I am, I don’t need the hassle and the compromises!

thefourgp · 02/06/2021 23:36

Watching with interest because I’m debating doing this. My ex will only see our kids for a few hours every second Saturday. I’m either working, with my children, spending time with my sick mum and occasionally seeing friends.

I don’t understand how single mum’s who have their children full time manage to find the time for a new relationship. It’s been 3.5 years since we separated and I’ve been on two dates, neither of which I wanted to meet up with again.

Sometimes I’m quite content with my busy, single life and other times I worry I’ll regret not dating until my children are older. Plus I really miss sex and I’m not one for one night stands.

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BobFlemingHere · 02/06/2021 23:39

Yes I did. I split up with their dad when my kids were 4 and 3. I didn't want a new partner or someone in the kids lives when they were young.

I've started dating casually when they were 15 and 16. And I had no problem meeting people then at age 48 so don't worry on the age score.

It's now a year later and I've just introduced them to my boyfriend! Very informally. They're not interested Grin

Eddmr · 02/06/2021 23:40

I have. 6 years single. I do not want to put my girls through the disruption of me being in a relationship. Their father has been married, divorced and about to marry again in that time. I want their home with me to be their safe space. I'm 46 now. They are 13 & 15. My time will come when they are grown up, or it won't but that's a risk that I'm willing to take.

Original poster
Milkywayqueen · 02/06/2021 23:44

Thanks for replying! My youngest is 4 and just can't imagine having to put her through dealing with her own emotions about having another man here. I didn't have good experience as a child with my blended step family

I'm enjoying being single and haven't really got time to date anyone like you @thefourgp.

it just opens up the - if you do meet some one when do you introduce them? Do you leave it ages but then they hate your kids and visa versa but you too invested to let go or let them meet them early but then run the risk of your kids meeting a string of blokes Grin

OP posts:
IdoIdoIdoOoh · 02/06/2021 23:44

Have 2 children, 10 & 6. Been by myself since I was pregnant with my youngest and haven't even been on a date.
Dating/relationships isn't a priority of mine and I'm content with my life how it is.
I rarely get childcare but if I do I want to go out with my friends not a bloke.
I love my life with my 2 children and can't see how an extra person would fit into it.

I dont feel like I'm missing anything but a lot of people can't grasp that I don't need a man to be happy and I find that weird.

Original poster
Milkywayqueen · 02/06/2021 23:45

@Eddmr

I have. 6 years single. I do not want to put my girls through the disruption of me being in a relationship. Their father has been married, divorced and about to marry again in that time. I want their home with me to be their safe space. I'm 46 now. They are 13 & 15. My time will come when they are grown up, or it won't but that's a risk that I'm willing to take.
Yes this is how I feel too
OP posts:
sicknote26 · 02/06/2021 23:49

Yes I'm doing this, although it's not the same as I'm widowed. I've made the decision to be single till my youngest is an adult. My kids are my main focus and I just about have time for them. I would find it really difficult to fit time in for anyone else.

Octagoneaway · 02/06/2021 23:55

Yes, me too. I’ve been single 7 years now, kids are 13&16. I sometimes try online dating, but every time I meet someone I get really scared about the idea of messing my kids around or making them not want to be at home. So i know my heart isn’t fully in it (I recognise I’m also absolutely petrified).

It’s a tricky decision and one you can change at any time, but for now, I can’t see myself doing it.

As a pp also said, I’m independent, capable, self sufficient, can please myself. Not keen to change that!

selflove · 02/06/2021 23:56

I split with my ex 3.5 years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest - my three DC are all still under 7. I had said I intended to stay single until they were Secondary School age (their dad has already met someone, had a new baby, and is now splitting with her, so I wanted to be their stability). But I've met someone, he's great, and I don't think it harms my kids that my new BF sometimes comes on days out with us. I'm not moving him into their home, it's just a friend for mum on a day out, which quite often happened with female friends over the past few years, and my kids never seemed remotely bothered when female friends would join me to give me a hand on days out, so I figured I could try it with him, and it's great.

I'm the eldest of 6 girls and me & my kids spend a lot of time with my sisters and their various boyfriends. Sometimes there's a boyf for a few months or longer and everyone likes him, then they break up and my kids never see him again. They've never been remotely bothered. So I don't think they'd be unduly affected if my relationship ended and they never saw him again either.

accessorizequeen · 02/06/2021 23:59

I waited more than a year. My ex waited 3 weeks, introduced our kids to his new gf immediately and now 3 of them won't see him as a result. Meeting someone new is fine - it doesn't have to mean blended families, it doesn't even have to mean they know about him or meet him for a long time. Because it's your relationship - not theirs. I will never make the mistake my ex did - my kids are 12-17 now - but they know they are always my number one priority. But I still date and they know I do.

mindutopia · 03/06/2021 03:40

My mum did. In retrospect, given her choice in men, that was pretty wise. She went on to date and marry an absolute loser when I was in my early 20s and as a result we are NC with them both now.

flyingtartar · 03/06/2021 06:17

I have been single since my marriage ended in 2014. Dc are 12 and 14 now. I have a very time-consuming career and really wouldn't have had time for a partner up until the last year or so, when the dc became more independent and keen to do their own thing more. Now I sometimes feel a bit lonely and think about meeting someone but overall I'm happy and independent and content to wait a few more years or accept it's not meant to be. I would never have wanted to compromise the dc's needs (not saying others do, but I have to prioritise work a lot already so didn't want to add anything else to the mix).

My only niggle is that ex has no partner either and we have a small extended family so I worry the dc haven't seen many positive examples of relationships modelled to them. It's not something I can click my fingers and sort though and overall we are happy as we are.

Whinginadeville · 03/06/2021 06:36

I had boyfriends but wouldn't live with anyone. Met my now husband when my youngest started uni and he moved in 3 weeks later now been married 12 years. I just didn't want another 'fail' if I'm honest. It was so hard breaking up with their df and learning to live on my own. I also really enjoyed the freedom to eat, sleep, decorate all to my taste. I'm glad I had those 15 odd years to build my career, buy a house etc. I'll never be dependent on anyone again.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/06/2021 07:06

I did, I got divorced when my son was 5 and didn't date again until he left for university. I didn't want a succession of "uncles" in his life. He needed stability after the awful divorce. his father was violent to me and fought for custody for 5 years, he lost by the way, wasn't allowed to see him at all.

CarlottaValdez · 03/06/2021 07:09

A quick perusal of the step parents board would be enough to put me off it.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/06/2021 07:10

I met my now partner online about 2 years after ex left. That was 6 years ago. We don't and won't live together. I mostly see him when kids are with their dad or after they've gone to bed. I wouldn't jepordise my or their stability by going all in. If the relationship ends, nothing changes. Noone has to move house, or stop doing anything they were doing. It's 'living together apart'. It's slowly becoming more common but some people don't see how it can be a 'proper' relationship if it's not progressing to an inevitable point of moving in or marriage.

MissSmiley · 03/06/2021 07:15

@flyingtartar

I have been single since my marriage ended in 2014. Dc are 12 and 14 now. I have a very time-consuming career and really wouldn't have had time for a partner up until the last year or so, when the dc became more independent and keen to do their own thing more. Now I sometimes feel a bit lonely and think about meeting someone but overall I'm happy and independent and content to wait a few more years or accept it's not meant to be. I would never have wanted to compromise the dc's needs (not saying others do, but I have to prioritise work a lot already so didn't want to add anything else to the mix).

My only niggle is that ex has no partner either and we have a small extended family so I worry the dc haven't seen many positive examples of relationships modelled to them. It's not something I can click my fingers and sort though and overall we are happy as we are.

We separated 4 years ago and one of the main reasons was to model a normal relationship to the children, their dad and I get on really well even now but we weren't a couple, it's really important to me to be able to show them
Original poster
Milkywayqueen · 03/06/2021 08:20

@HugeAckmansWife

I met my now partner online about 2 years after ex left. That was 6 years ago. We don't and won't live together. I mostly see him when kids are with their dad or after they've gone to bed. I wouldn't jepordise my or their stability by going all in. If the relationship ends, nothing changes. Noone has to move house, or stop doing anything they were doing. It's 'living together apart'. It's slowly becoming more common but some people don't see how it can be a 'proper' relationship if it's not progressing to an inevitable point of moving in or marriage.
Yeah I hear you. Its one of my worries for the dc tbh if ex gets serious with who ever he is seeing
OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 03/06/2021 08:23

I've been single since my son was a few months old and he is 5 and a half now. I have my own home, a good job and out home is very peaceful. I couldn't imagine upsetting that by being a man into our space.

Original poster
Milkywayqueen · 03/06/2021 08:24

Gah wrong quote!

Should have been this

A quick perusal of the step parents board would be enough to put me off it

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 03/06/2021 08:26

Can you imagine the chaos a blended family brings! Step parents, step siblings, half siblings, step grandparents etc. Even worse for the child if both parents get into this type of setup.

crumpet · 03/06/2021 08:28

I was single for 10 years. Wasn’t really a conscious decision to wait until the children were older, but I was not interested in “getting out there” to meet anyone - my life was full enough as it was.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/06/2021 08:42

To be fair, my ex's blended family seems to work pretty well but I agree there is potential for lots of issues on all manner of levels. I think it's increasingly easier to stay single though if you have the self confidence and life skills to not 'need' an other half.