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Original poster

Did any one make a conscious decision to stay single for till the kids were older after a divorce?

55 replies

Milkywayqueen · 02/06/2021 23:25

Just wondering really.

Had a chat with my friend tonight and she said as its been a year after the split I should 'get back out there and start dating'. Ive told her I've made a decision not to as I don't want to unsettle the kids. Friend thinks ill struggle to meet some one when im old Grin

Ex is seeing some one but they haven't met them or know they exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkywayqueen · 03/06/2021 08:45

@TeachesOfPeaches

Can you imagine the chaos a blended family brings! Step parents, step siblings, half siblings, step grandparents etc. Even worse for the child if both parents get into this type of setup.
Yes I can! I was one of those kids! Tbh I think its a factor of why im ready to go solo for a few years
OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 03/06/2021 08:52

Yes single 6 years. I did have a short relationship but it didn't work out. My DC have been through a lot and I feel it important that they now live in as drama free environment as possible. (the short relationship was not drama free hence the decision going forward).

And, tbh I just don't have the energy to split myself again.

I have no regrets and don't really care about meeting someone anyway. But it's imporant to me that while the DC still live at home, that it's in a nice settled environment.

user1471538283 · 03/06/2021 09:04

I did. I didn't want DS to see lots of boyfriends coming and going and I had so little time to date! I worked full time, studied, raised DS entirely on my own. He had other brilliant male role models though so he didn't miss out.

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Relationship problems
Meruem · 03/06/2021 09:25

If you’re happy single then there’s no issue. The only thing you may find is that once they’re grown up you actually aren’t fussed about a relationship anymore! That is also fine of course.

I did have a relationship when my DC were teens but in my own experience, and knowing others who’ve been in that situation, it isn’t the best time. Younger DC are more accepting. Once they get older and there’s teenage hormones in the mix, plus a guy who usually has no idea how to relate to teens, it’s difficult. I ended that relationship precisely because it was an issue.

Now I could date if I wanted but I don’t actually want to! 20+ years of mainly being a single parent means I want to be a bit selfish now and just think about me. Being a single parent is hard physical work but I think the emotional side is harder. You are the main or only person your DC have to talk to about big problems, and you may not have anyone to share that with. So you carry quite a lot. This has now left me not really wanting to take on anyone else’s needs/emotions etc. I’m ok with that and happy. Just know it’s a possibility.

Wizzbangfizz · 03/06/2021 09:57

Totally agree @CarlottaValdez

MintyCedric · 03/06/2021 10:25

XH and I split when DD was coming up 12 and I've been single ever since.

We lived with my parents for 18 months, and 6 months later my elderly dad had catastrophic fall so for the last 2.5 years I've had alot going on there although I've not been particularly interested either.

XH shacked up within months with the first person he met online and the repercussions of that have been enough for DD to contend with.

I 'met' a couple of guys online last autumn, just fluke, not through dating sites. Had a 'virtual fling' with one and the other has become a good online friend.

It's made me realise I would like a man in my life and I've had a few forays into OLD which have helped me crystallise what I want and where my boundaries are. I've got family stuff going on atm so have put it in the back burner for now but DD is coming up 17 so looking forward to getting back out there, but absolutely no regrets that I've not done it sooner.

WhatsGoingOnHereThen · 03/06/2021 10:26

I think this seems totally sensible and if I were in this position I would hopefully do the same. I would like to focus on myself and on the children, I'm not sure how I'd have much left in the tank for anthing else!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/06/2021 10:30

Me. We split up when DS was 10 months, he is nearly 8. Exh has a long term partner but I'm the RP and do about 85% of the childcare so I think it's more important for me to keep stability for DS in his main home. Ex's partner has no kids and doesn't want any so there's no issue of DS ever feeling like a second class citizen in their house either.

I'm not interested anyway, I can't be bothered with men.

cushioncovers · 03/06/2021 10:30

Yes I waited until my kids were over 18 and were off doing their own thing. They are now both driving working and have girlfriends before I tried online dating. I just didn't feel comfortable introducing a new man into our family unit. I've now been trying OD for just over a year but have yet to meet the right person. Slim pickings but I feel ready now to dedicate time to another person and not feel selfish if I'm busy doing my own thing.

blahblahblah321 · 03/06/2021 10:33

I planned to stay single but it didn't happen. Split up with my eldest sons Dad when DS was a few months old, I decided to stay single until DS was at least late teens (I was a youngish mum so wouldn't have been that old by then).

I then met DH two years later, and apart from a few early teething problems - dating with a 2 year old was hard!- we've now been together for 15 years. We took it very slow in the early days and I would have walked away if any of it didn't work for DS, and DH knew that.

UnFringed · 03/06/2021 10:34

I’m 5 years in and while I date, because it’s nice to go out with someone for fun, and I have needs! I have no really intention of a relationship. A couple of short term (3 months), boyfriends have ended it because I won’t move on to making more time for them or introducing children, and that’s fine.

I can’t imagine living with a man again, or having to deal with step children or taking time away from the kids to build something, they already share me with work, why would I steal more focus from them?

I get lonely every now and then but nothing substantial and I just focus on building a great friendship group to be honest.

People do always say “you’ll find someone”, or “don’t leave it too late”, but it just makes me think they don’t get I don’t want to! I want the fun of a man every now and then but not the complications thank you very much.

When the kids are older I’m desperate to travel and build my hobbies up so unless someone happens along that builds on that I can see myself single forever to be honest.

MintyCedric · 03/06/2021 10:36

Ex's partner has no kids....so there's no issue of DS ever feeling like a second class citizen in their house either.

My XHs partner doesn't have kids and was in her mid forties when they met...after a couple fo miscarriages very early on in their relationship they decided to foster which has been badly managed and very nearly finished DDs relationship with her father.

They are now looking at adoption (they are 52 and 50), and don't seem to have learned anything from the previous experiences.

Whether or not DD still has a relationship with him by the time she's an adult I think is pretty debatable.

MintyCedric · 03/06/2021 10:37

@UnFringed

I feel much the same way...it would take superman for me to consider living with someone or marrying again!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/06/2021 10:43

@MintyCedric

Ex's partner has no kids....so there's no issue of DS ever feeling like a second class citizen in their house either.

My XHs partner doesn't have kids and was in her mid forties when they met...after a couple fo miscarriages very early on in their relationship they decided to foster which has been badly managed and very nearly finished DDs relationship with her father.

They are now looking at adoption (they are 52 and 50), and don't seem to have learned anything from the previous experiences.

Whether or not DD still has a relationship with him by the time she's an adult I think is pretty debatable.

Wow, would they even be allowed to adopt at that age?

My DS is 8 and ex's partner is 30 so if she decides she wants kids in her 40s DS will be an adult then. Although ex is adamant that he doesn't want more kids either, but who knows, lots of men say that and then go onto have kids with a new partner! I genuinely can't see it though, they seem to enjoy the child free life, ex prefers being a NRP Hmm

PurpleMustang · 03/06/2021 12:01

I know how kids can worry. So when exP decided he was leaving i made sure to tell the teens kids that I have no intentions of moving someone in, marrying, having more kids, step kids about etc before they leave school. What he does is up to him. But for me the kids still come first and it is important that they feel secure at home. Maybe I would date someone but I would be honest with them about it but not break my promise. Its only a few years and I can happily wait, if I bother at all. But I think as a rule it is said you should date someone for at least 6 months to decide it is serious. Then tell the kids about it to get them used to the idea but leave introduction for a while and then slowly introduce them.

accessorizequeen · 03/06/2021 20:15

@TeachesOfPeaches

Can you imagine the chaos a blended family brings! Step parents, step siblings, half siblings, step grandparents etc. Even worse for the child if both parents get into this type of setup.
Exactly what my ex did to our kids. He got engaged 6 months after we split. Expected our kids to blend with his new wife and her 3 kids. Only 1 out of 4 still sees him. I have no intention of moving anyone in or blending families for years for come. But I am lonely and I miss sex.
Sideorderofchips · 03/06/2021 20:29

Tbh I can't see me having another relationship now. My life is about work, kids and animals. After their dad I don't think there is space anymore for someone else

wendz86 · 03/06/2021 21:36

Not a conscious decision but split when pregnant with my youngest and now she is 6. To be honest I am not against a relationship but I find my life very busy and the limited time i don't have with kids I don't want to be online dating etc. Lots of things i'd rather be doing.

DinaofCloud9 · 03/06/2021 21:39

Me. It's been 4 years now and I'm happy on my own. It helps I like my own company anyway so I'm not lonely.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 03/06/2021 21:46

@Eddmr

I have. 6 years single. I do not want to put my girls through the disruption of me being in a relationship. Their father has been married, divorced and about to marry again in that time. I want their home with me to be their safe space. I'm 46 now. They are 13 & 15. My time will come when they are grown up, or it won't but that's a risk that I'm willing to take.
That’s lovely. Nothing sadder than when People start new families with people who have other kids. What a mess.
Kotatsu · 03/06/2021 21:48

I'm making that conscious decision right now.

I'm taking the time with the kids and my career (and I still seem to have more spare time than when I was with ex)

he'd already got a new girlfriend lined up who he moved in with within days (and I had to field questions about who she was when she popped up on the kids shared Apple Family account as he'd buggered off to another country and was barely messaging them - so that was nice of him).

Fundamentally, I don't need someone, although maybe later once the kids are grown it would be nice to have someone probably. But I'm in no rush.

Mintjulia · 03/06/2021 21:55

I'm like @teachesofpeaches. I have a calm happy home, stable finances and a job. My son is happy. I won't risk upsetting that. My ds is 12. Only another 6 years to go. And I'll be really old by then but I'd rather be alone than jeopardise my ds' happiness.

Cocopogo · 03/06/2021 22:02

Yes the DC were very young, I met someone after the divorced but after 4 yrs with them we split so I made the decision to stay single until they were older. Now I’m happy with DP who I see twice a week and it’s suits us both.

Cocopogo · 03/06/2021 22:06

It seems men just bounce from one relationship to another

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/06/2021 22:08

I decided not to have any kind of 'serious' (living together, children etc) type relationship while my DS lives at home. I dated a fair bit but none of them met DS. I then met my boyfriend 3 years ago by chance and see him twice a week. We have no plans to get more 'serious' than that. We both have kids and they are our priorities. You don't need to be celibate or single until they leave home, and you don't have to move a new man in.

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