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Original poster

Most meet ups with MIL leave me a bit sad.

68 replies

Boggings · 02/06/2021 22:36

NC for this, family are on here.

Does anyone feel like no matter what they do meeting up with MIL (or maybe older more traditional family members) leaves them feeling flat and sad?

If I'm asking about her it's fine, she's friendly and cheerful.

If I talk about my own interests or things I've been up to she literally looks around the room looking bored/contemptuous/looks at her phone.

She's not even old, early 60s. But unless my conversation fits into her small sphere of interest she's ostentatiously disinterested. Literally looking around the room and occasionally shrugging, comments "Well! If that's what you're into".

Wtf? Been with DH 11 years, always made an effort, always ask after her. But the moment I mention what I've been doing or interested in she's completely gone. I'm not even talking about outlandish things.

Time to give up??

OP posts:

whenwillthemadnessend · 02/06/2021 22:40

Yes give up.

My mil used to just randomly change the subject into neighbours. Relatives etc. Drive me bonkers and dh bonkers too.

I do think she ever truly knew what we were upto in our lives. God bless her soul.

whenwillthemadnessend · 02/06/2021 22:40

Don't think I mean

Bargebill19 · 02/06/2021 22:43

Sounds like in her eyes you will never be good enough for her son. Except for when you can genuflect to her whimsy.
You won’t change her. Either accept it’s her rules when you are around or don’t visit.
I chose the don’t visit option, funny how when she needed help in her old age, and everyone else backed away - I was suddenly ‘acceptable’.

Horehound · 02/06/2021 22:44

Yeh give up.

Original poster

Boggings · 02/06/2021 22:46

This is a thing with some people isn't it?

My GPs got like this in their 90s but I kind of let it go, it felt like they'd lost interest in the outside world that they couldn't access and were no longer involved in.

But she's 60 odd, is out socialising all the time, works and has hobbies.

She's just completely disinterested in anything that isn't focused on her.

OP posts:

CharChat · 03/06/2021 08:44

@Bargebill19

Sounds like in her eyes you will never be good enough for her son. Except for when you can genuflect to her whimsy. You won’t change her. Either accept it’s her rules when you are around or don’t visit. I chose the don’t visit option, funny how when she needed help in her old age, and everyone else backed away - I was suddenly ‘acceptable’.

She often tells me she's so glad I'm with her son and I make him so happy. I don't think it's that.

I think she just has no interest in hearing about me or my life.

Aprilwasverywet · 03/06/2021 08:47

Can't think my mil was ever interested in anything but herself.
Never asked about the dc but insisted she visit weekly..
Just found jobs /errand to run when she was there tbh. She didn't care if I was around. So I wasn't!!

Try it!
Or even better send dh with the dc and have the house to yourself!!

starrynight21 · 03/06/2021 08:51

I think some people are just like that, nothing to do with age really. My sister is like that, as long as we're talking about her she's fine. The minute I say the most innocuous thing about myself, she just zones out . I'd guess that she wouldn't know one thing about me . Annoying but she's all I've got so I put up with it.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/06/2021 08:53

I'm finding this more and more with both my mum and my MIL. One is in her 60s and the other in her 70s, and both of them have less and less interest in anything other than themselves. I've actually had to interrupt my mother's ranty monologues (which are usually about people I don't know and have never met, but who have somehow managed to piss her off) to say "I actually have something I wanted to tell you about, can have I five minutes of your time to do that please?" I don't think lockdown has helped, either, as their world's have become even smaller.

It hasn't happened to step-MIL though. She still takes an interest in us and what's going on with us.

Jubilate · 03/06/2021 08:56

You have described my MIL perfectly. If I want a conversation with her, it needs to be on a topic she's interested in, otherwise she does exactly as you describe. My husband phones her regularly and she talks at him, never asks about our lives or the kids. She's also done a few big things that I've struggled to forgive. I really struggle with our relationship.

MissyB1 · 03/06/2021 08:57

My mum went through a definite phase of this (a long one) in her 60s and 70s. Weirdly she came out of it in her 80s and suddenly became interested in our lives again!

It’s very irritating though - and rude.

Divebar2021 · 03/06/2021 08:59

It’s not an age thing it’s a “people” thing. My SIL is very self absorbed and will talk about herself and her job continuously. I don’t think she’s ever asked me a question about myself or my family in the 15 years I’ve known her. My DSis actually does the same job but you will never hear her asking her a single question about how she’s getting on either. The whole family finds her hard to like. ( ie. we don’t like her)

MissyB1 · 03/06/2021 08:59

Oh and my in laws just pretend I don’t exist. They live abroad and just talk to Dh on Skype, mainly talking about themselves. He says they never mention me. If he mentions me to them they go silent then change the subject

Bobbybobbins · 03/06/2021 08:59

Both my parents and in laws are becoming more like this. Lockdown hasn't helped as their worlds have become so much smaller while we've had to carry on going out to work etc.

HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 09:06

NC Fail warning?

Ughmaybenot · 03/06/2021 09:08

To be honest, she sounds quite like my own mother, and she’s younger again so definitely not an age thing.
I can literally be mid sentence and she will just walk off / start talking about something else / start talking to someone else.
I mean, it’s rude but I try not to take it personally. I will point it out sometimes but she doesn’t change so I just try not to let it get to me.

Milkywayqueen · 03/06/2021 09:10

My ex mil is the same.

What you've got to understand is she is probably like this with other people too. Don't take it personally but stop investing time in her. Only have a conversation with her if you can be arsed. If she comes round start doing chores.

Flossie44 · 03/06/2021 09:57

Snap!

My mil is exactly the same! She’s fine if I’m fussing over her but if I should so much as ease up on the over the top gushing towards her, she sulks!!
She never asks about me, and if I try and have a conversation about anything going on in our world, she mocks me, or walks away!!
My dc is currently in hospital. Mil knows this. I’ve had not so much we a text from her to ask how things are!! Last time dc was in hospital, mil text me simply saying ‘have you forgotten about me?!’

I used to do the gushing. I don’t bother now. I make no effort anymore as it just crushed me every single time.
Having said this, it still is like a knife stabbing into me when we have to see her!!

spacedandtimed · 03/06/2021 09:59

My in laws speak over me, so I repeat myself and don't stop talking until I've finished my point completely ignoring their attempts to butt in.

Hopefully they'll start to learn. BIL is the absolute worst. Makes sense I suppose, he works on TV so gets paid to bloviate at length. Yawn.

InpatientGardener · 03/06/2021 10:02

My in laws are like this. They can't do small talk, there are always awkward silences, they never ask us questions, they've never asked me anything about myself in 6 years, they probably don't know what I do for a job even. They're happy to bore on about how fortunate they were with their final salary pensions and how tough the pandemic has been on their generation what with not being able to have the usual 6 holidays a year but have zero interest in me or DP. I just don't bother now, we take DD to see them and I play with her and let DP do the stilted conversation. Its sad really, it would be nice to be able to have a proper relationship with them, and more to the point, it would be nice if they took any interest in their own son.

BraveBraveMouse · 03/06/2021 10:05

Yes, stop pandering to her. She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to treat you with respect.

I put up with rudeness from my MIL for years, O wish I had stood up for myself earlier.

HeidiHighLow · 03/06/2021 10:05

Mine was the same. I don’t see her now for many reasons but when i used to see her regularly she would spend hours talking about so and so from work’s sister’s boyfriend’s son etc I knew everything about everyone she’d ever met she never spoke to Dh or me about anything going on with us ever. I genuinely don’t think she could say what either of us do for a living tbh 😂

wheresmymojo · 03/06/2021 10:06

This isn't anything to do with age.

Some people are dicks and her age is totally irrelevant.

Aprilwasverywet · 03/06/2021 10:07

Ime you need a phone malfunction.. Block them and leave dh to everything.. Ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much easier life. You are not obliged to have people who make you feel so shitty be able to invade your phone!!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 03/06/2021 10:09

"Well I seem to be boring you MIL". Get up and leave room. Simple.

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