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Original poster

Most meet ups with MIL leave me a bit sad.

68 replies

Boggings · 02/06/2021 22:36

NC for this, family are on here.

Does anyone feel like no matter what they do meeting up with MIL (or maybe older more traditional family members) leaves them feeling flat and sad?

If I'm asking about her it's fine, she's friendly and cheerful.

If I talk about my own interests or things I've been up to she literally looks around the room looking bored/contemptuous/looks at her phone.

She's not even old, early 60s. But unless my conversation fits into her small sphere of interest she's ostentatiously disinterested. Literally looking around the room and occasionally shrugging, comments "Well! If that's what you're into".

Wtf? Been with DH 11 years, always made an effort, always ask after her. But the moment I mention what I've been doing or interested in she's completely gone. I'm not even talking about outlandish things.

Time to give up??

OP posts:

Eminybob · 03/06/2021 10:11

My mum is like this. She can prattle on for hours about herself but rarely asks me anything about myself, and if I do offer any information it just doesn’t seem to register on any level unless she can use it to bring the conversation back to her.

For example, I told her a month ago my job was at risk of redundancy. She didn’t ask anything, she just went on about her husband who was made redundant last year (which I have spoken at length with her about).

I spoke to her again yesterday (we don’t speak regularly) and she didn’t ask about it. I told her I’m definitely losing my job, she said oh and changed the subject

I call it narcissism.

TailFeatherz · 03/06/2021 10:24

I wouldn't enter into any conversation with her. I don't with mine. If she speaks to me I'll reply but I don't make conversation

Faircastle · 03/06/2021 10:35

My mother is in her mid-80s. She is far from perfect, but always asks about me, DH and our children, and actually listens.

I suspect some of the people referred to in this thread were always a bit self-absorbed, and as they get older have just become less motivated to hide it.

I sometimes have to make a conscious effort to ask about other people rather than just talk about myself, so I'll probably end up being one of them.

Faircastle · 03/06/2021 10:38

Actually, thinking about it, my in-laws also spend more time asking about us than I do about them.

I think I must be the self-absorbed one already. 😳
Will make more effort.

Xiaoxiong · 03/06/2021 10:46

Eminybob my mum can be like this too. There are whole areas of my life that she just seems to have no interest in, switches off if I mention them. I mean, I find myself switching off at endless chat about minecraft or among us from my DSs but I would hope I would never do that about serious stuff like their careers!!

I'm sorry about your job Hope you find something soon.

noirchatsdeux · 03/06/2021 10:52

@Aprilwasverywet My 1st ILs were pre mobiles, so they never had my number. Also took no interest in me, my life, family etc. Doubt they even knew my surname!

2nd ILs were a lot better, but still pretty self absorbed. I made sure exH visited them on his own pretty often and they never had my mobile number either.

Like other posters have said, OP should just visit less often.

RivingtonPike · 03/06/2021 10:54

I don't think it's an age thing. I've known my MIL since she was in her 40s. She's the same now (30 years later) as she was then. Totally uninterested in me. She's bloody rude, will interrupt, talk over me. I've given up speaking which I find quite relaxing, I sit there like a bored teenager, frequently looking at my phone

pinkmagnolias · 03/06/2021 10:57

Can't think my mil was ever interested in anything but herself.

This. Other than her huge interest in other people’s health issues particularly if they had serious issues and were dying. And no she wasn’t ever a health professional!

Aprilwasverywet · 03/06/2021 10:58

I may be wrong but if all dw's took a stand and left their ils to dh's then relationships would be easier and visits less frequent.. Win bloody win!!

BrilliantBetty · 03/06/2021 11:02

Give up. She's just rude and/or doesn't like you.

What is she like with your partner?

Nuggetnugget · 03/06/2021 11:06

Mine only talks about her toilet trouble or who died in the area. She is a pleasant women but brags about her own grown up children. She has very old fashioned outdated views. She has little going on in her life so I just visit occasionally as it's the dullest two hours of my life when I am there but I just be polite and nod.

BashfulClam · 03/06/2021 11:44

Mil drives on and in about her friends that I have never met and DH doesn’t know. Ask her what I do for a living or the name of my company and I bet she hasn’t a clue.

My mum is similar and bet she couldn’t tell you my job etc. I had a bad fall down a flight of steps and thankfully I was ok just bruised and battered a bit. I texted her saying ‘I just fell down the steps!’ She responded‘Joan has died!’ Who the fuck is Joan? I waited a week then asked ‘did you see I’d fallen down the steps?’ And got ‘yes but you were ok’. How does she know, she didn’t ask, I was waiting for her to ask if her child had hurt themselves in a bad fall!

MoonCatcher · 03/06/2021 11:47

Looks like a name change fail

Fnib · 03/06/2021 12:05

My mother is just like this. I'm trying very hard not to be the same.

Nitpickpicnic · 03/06/2021 12:27

I deal with it like this. My mum prattles on about her tiny range of preferred topics. I cut short the visit or call if we reach a point where I’ve asked 3 questions about her in a row without reciprocation or she’s gone 10 minutes (on her topics) without breath. If she mentions it, or gets shirty next conversation about it I tell her that when she’s old and demented I’ll put her in a category of people that I am just kind to, and expect nothing from. When that time comes, I’ll just nod along, while privately doing my shopping list in my head and eye-rolling.

While she wants to be treated like a functioning equal adult, it works both ways. She often huffs at this, of course.

Unfortunately for her, she has a 100yo mother who is very interesting and well-mannered and entertaining to talk to. Granny sets a hard benchmark!

Eminybob · 03/06/2021 12:39

@Xiaoxiong

I'm sorry about your job Hope you find something soon.

Thanks you! Although it’s actually a positive thing, I was ready for a change, already got a couple of things in the pipeline, and I’ve been there forever so I get a pretty good payout. Not that my mum would know that because SHE NEVER ASKED!!!!

MirandaMarple · 03/06/2021 13:05

I have a friend a bit like that. I love and respect her deeply but as we've grown older it's more obvious.

She doesn't really listen, I have sort of concluded that she isn't very good at it, or doesn't know how to reply in a constructive and interested way.

As an example I'd say "I can't wait to take my shoes off my feet are killing" and she'd reply "my feet are fine". There's no vested engagement in a conversation when it's not about something she's doing etc

pinkmagnolias · 03/06/2021 18:34

I had a bad fall down a flight of steps and thankfully I was ok just bruised and battered a bit. I texted her saying ‘I just fell down the steps!’ She responded‘Joan has died!’ Who the fuck is Joan?

I’m sorry but this made me laugh. Similar has happened to me many many times.

Eminybob · 03/06/2021 18:53

Something else of note, and may be related, so let me know if this rings a bell with bell with you and your mil/mums.

She falls out with friends/relatives All. The. Time.
As in big fall out, not talking to for months/years on end, and in some cases ever again. In all my adult years I’ve never fallen out with anyone. Tempted to go NC with her sometimes so I think I see the common denominator….

CarolineBingley · 03/06/2021 18:54

How does she interact with others? I would hazard a guess that this is just who she is. It’s not about you, she’s not doing it to you, it’s not a reflection of you and she isn’t going to change for you. Looking at it that way makes it a lot easier to understand and not take it personally.

BashfulClam · 03/06/2021 19:28

@pinkmagnolias it’s one of many. I once texted her saying ‘I booked a holiday today!’ And the response was ‘my car passed its MOT!’. You’d Evie to ‘oh nice, where/when are you off? Oh I put the car through it’s MOT today, luckily it passed!’

MirandaMarple · 03/06/2021 20:30

@Eminybob

Something else of note, and may be related, so let me know if this rings a bell with bell with you and your mil/mums.

Oh gosh, yes! Very bizarre and some friendships my Mum has re-kindled after 30+ years...

EscapeTheCastle · 03/06/2021 21:30

My MIL is like this. I got used to it.

I had a stroke and was rather unwell for a long period of time. She did not ask me how I was or anything about it EVER. As a result of this I actually quite hate her.

To come to terms with it - I now remind myself that I was foolish to expect to buy doughnuts from the hardware store. (this is from a you tube comment I saw under a video on emotional well being)

CrikeyMatron · 03/06/2021 23:09

@RivingtonPike excellent username.

Knittingnanny · 03/06/2021 23:17

Nothing to do with age! It’s just how some people are. One of my daughter in laws is like that. Everyone is different, just shrug it off and spend time with people who have better manners.

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