Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you let 2 twelve year old girls go out alone?

98 replies

Goldenskeletons · 02/06/2021 08:52

DD is in Yr 7.
Upto now her primary school friends have always come to the house or she's gone to theirs. Stayed at home, played in garden, on computer etc...

She gets a lift to school and back.

A new friend invited her to her house to go to a local craft fair, DD said mum was going too. But she didn't. I was then told they went for a walk down the canal.

Friend has invited her round again but said her mum is sick so they aren't allowed in the house.
So I assume they are just going to spend hours wandering about.

I am just not comfortable with it and neither is her father. He said flat out, no.

I remember being accosted several times at her age by men and even followed by one with his penis out :(

I just don't think it's safe for 2 12 year old to wander about for 4 hours alone.

Am I being crazy?
I've booked swimming for her instead and said friend can come round Friday and we will go shopping at her face alt complex.

She seems happy and wasn't surprised we said no.
Urgh. It's so hard having kids these days

OP posts:

aiwblam · 02/06/2021 11:37

I taught my teens that you go out with a purpose. Not to just hang around on the streets.

No way would I have allowed either of mine at 12 to do this. In fact, I would wonder why anyone needs to aimlessly hang around.

dottiedodah · 02/06/2021 11:41

I agree with you and would not be happy about this .If you live in an area of high crime as well .Maybe you could let them go shopping together or for a cinema visit .I dont think hanging around in fields is good policy either!

Triffid1 · 02/06/2021 11:43

DS is 10. I barely saw him yesterday as he and his friends were mostly at the park, with a quick trip via the chippy to get some food. Then he popped round to a friend's place for some play station time.

I honestly can't imagine NOT letting two 12 year olds be out alone. I do also understand the fear - especially for girls - but that's not a reason not to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families Secondary education

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/06/2021 11:45

Wow my older girls who were t home educated walked to school from age 8 alone . It was allowed from age 7 if in junior school. Not letting a 12 year old out alone unless they have Sen/disability is neglectful , they need to develop independence.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/06/2021 11:46

I would have been encouraging this for a year or two.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/06/2021 11:47

I would allow it but I suppose it depends a bit on the area you live in.

CutieBear · 02/06/2021 11:52

I’m in my mid 20s and I went out with friends (no adults) in primary school. Lower KS2. Maybe it’s time to make your DD street wise. You don’t want her crossing a road whilst on her phone or earphones in etc.

tukanada · 02/06/2021 12:11

I am a cautious mother (with reasons) but by 12 they do need some freedom. Trackable phone, must be with a friend and set time to be back OR phone me if she wants to stay out longer. I Regularly agree to extra time so she knows it is worth keeping me informed! We also have an agreement as to which areas she goes to. I can see that living in a dodgy area can make it much harder. Your plan of taking her and a friend places sounds good. Could you drop them, then collect so they feel independent?

YouLookSoCool · 02/06/2021 12:35

Based on the fact that you've said you live in quite a dodgy area, I can understand your reluctance and anxiety. I think it would be fine for them to go without adults to, eg the cinema, swimming, a craft fair, shopping etc, possibly with an adult taking them there and/or collecting them depending on how far it was or what public transport is like. But I can understand your hesitancy in letting them just wander around outside randomly, especially if they're not allowed in the other girl's house at all. Could they hang around together/go to specific park/area but with your house as a base instead?

AuntieStella · 02/06/2021 13:03

Yes I would allow DC to go out with friends and no adult once they are at secondary school.

But I would want to know what they are up to and have a text if plans change.

And yes I would ban pointless loafing in sketchy areas, but hthere's bound to be lots of mutually acceptable areas you an settle on instead

TheWindOnTheMoon · 02/06/2021 13:10

In our village, yes I would. DD started walking to shops & going to Brownies on her own or when a friend called for her from around age 10 but with instructions to stick to well lit areas & not go down lonely footpaths etc.

If we lived in a bigger town I might have been more cautious about where she went & at what age.

toto23 · 02/06/2021 13:13

Not a chance!

Especially on a canal path, the area I live in people are always getting harassed/flashed/worse - in daylight !

Allington · 02/06/2021 13:14

Random wanderings in dodgy area - no.

Having said that when I was younger than that I did plenty of solo random wanderings in a lovely rural area - about 20 miles away from where Genette Tate disappeared... the rule was I had to take our dog with me for 'protection' a soppy labrador that would have been no use at all...

Part of helping our kids become more independent is gradually widening the boundaries. So the boundary now could be a purposeful activity with a friend such as a craft fair, bus to town for a bubble tea or the cinema. With discussion about what to do if she feels something is unusual or threatening. Then in another year or so you allow a greater range of activities and places and length of time.

gingercat02 · 02/06/2021 13:19

Only a boy here so possibly sadly a different conversation but yes at 12 he comes and goes to school, his mates houses, the park/field and th3 beach. On foot or scooter or bike

WouldBeGood · 02/06/2021 13:23

Bit crazy. I’d definitely let her do that.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 02/06/2021 13:25

Yes - my DD and her friend went out on their bikes to the park at the weekend for a couple of hours. They're 11.

I do shit myself, but you're basically subjecting your almost-teenager to play dates! She needs some freedoms.

Triffid1 · 02/06/2021 13:32

There is research that suggests that girls experience a decrease in the size, variety and scope of spaces they inhabit as they become teens. A combination, I suspect, of their parents being less willing to let them out and the girls themselves self-selecting once they work out that visiting Park A or Area B is uncomfortable for them.

I think it's really really sad.

I don't know how much we can do to fix it but I'd suggest that girls walking together is significantly safer and also makes them feel safer if they experience behaviour that's threatening as a first step.

Lipz · 02/06/2021 13:34

The advice you are going to get is people going on what their own children are like, also on what their own childhood was like.

I have 5 children and each one is completely different, some were independent some were not. Some were street wise naturally and some needed basic safety drilled into them.

It depends on where you live, from what you posted it doesn't sound safe, if I base my answers on where I live, well you could leave your house unlocked and go off on a 2 week holiday and It wouldn't be touched. However we have lived in places that even I as an adult would not walk now.

Only you can decide and base your answers on the safety of the area, how independent your child is. Not meaning to sound smart, but it's just so hard offering advice when no one knows your child or the places she's going.

ChloeCrocodile · 02/06/2021 13:35

Out to a craft fair - definitely yes. Out for a walk in a dodgy or isolated area - hell no.

They need to develop some independence but in a safe way. Shopping together in a busy place means they have some freedom but the risk of something bad happening is low, and they can get help easily if needed.

millenialblush · 02/06/2021 13:41

12 is fine to be going out alone.

Saracen · 04/06/2021 00:40

I do have very bad anxiety so that does affect my decisions but my mum let me go where ever I wanted and I could write a book about weirdos and close calls

That is upsetting. I can see why you worry for your daughter. And yet, a child has a powerful need to be independent. Your own drive to explore must have been very strong when you were a child; after all, you kept going out to places even after discovering some of the dangers firsthand. At that time, in your mind the benefits of freedom must have outweighed those dangers.

Your daughter is now making the same choice you once did. From the perspective of a parent, safety comes first. But there must come a time when the decision becomes one for your daughter to make. Her priority is different from yours. She won't always want to stay in safe shelter. There's a world out there for her to explore.

TheVanguardSix · 04/06/2021 00:43

No.
And certainly not along a canal. Nowhere isolated.
I have a backstory and a half though. I don’t think anyone could convince me to lighten up on my stance.

MsTSwift · 04/06/2021 06:51

So your 12 year old is never out unaccompanied? Not even to the local shop a nice area? How to they learn to navigate the world? What age would you let them out?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread