Would you let 2 twelve year old girls go out alone?

[Goldenskeletons]

DD is in Yr 7.
Upto now her primary school friends have always come to the house or she's gone to theirs. Stayed at home, played in garden, on computer etc...

She gets a lift to school and back.

A new friend invited her to her house to go to a local craft fair, DD said mum was going too. But she didn't. I was then told they went for a walk down the canal.

Friend has invited her round again but said her mum is sick so they aren't allowed in the house.
So I assume they are just going to spend hours wandering about.

I am just not comfortable with it and neither is her father. He said flat out, no.

I remember being accosted several times at her age by men and even followed by one with his penis out :(

I just don't think it's safe for 2 12 year old to wander about for 4 hours alone.

Am I being crazy?
I've booked swimming for her instead and said friend can come round Friday and we will go shopping at her face alt complex.

She seems happy and wasn't surprised we said no.
Urgh. It's so hard having kids these days

@Goldenskeletons

She has walked to and from school but we are lucky that our neighbour just gives her a lift so why not take it?

I'm not opposed to her going out alone with her friends in general.
I think going to the cinema or something is very different to letting them wander round a quiet canal and field for hours?

I do have very bad anxiety so that does affect my decisions but my mum let me go where ever I wanted and I could write a book about weirdos and close calls :(

I had a neighbour like that. I would have been safer walking to school.

Maybe worth talking through some scenarios and what to do in those situations, so she is more prepared, eg don’t worry about appearing rude and moving away from anyone who is acting inappropriately or strangely, no being ‘kind’ to the mentally ill etc. It’s about the right age to start giving some independence but the world is far more scary these days than when I was young, though like many young girls we saw a few flashers.

Unfortunately the world is much more hyper sexualised so they are likely to encounter street harrasment, cat calling, flashers, and maybe grooming, even in leafy suburbia. These are really hard conversations to have but they need to be had.

Maybe also practice code words/phrases so that she can call for help without feeling embarrassed and knows you will go and fetch her if needed?

We can’t protect our daughters from everything but we can give them tools to help.

Yes I would. I see plenty of young teenage girls out in pairs and groups, and haven't heard of bad things happening.

She absolutely should be able to go out alone with her mates for a bit at 12, but I, like you, would absolutely shit myself about it. The world has changed. I'd end up following my DD and ruining her street cred.
Maybe have a chat with her about some realities of weirdos these days and advise her to stay within public eyeshot.

Agree with many PP - going out at this age without an adult is important for gradually becoming independent, but start with places they are familiar with and doing specific things. Going for a walk from x to y or hanging round park may be ok (only you know if the location is relatively safe eg is it a busy canal towpath or relatively isolated?) but I’d definitely be happy with wandering round shops, going to craft show, cinema etc. They are so much safer these days given they have mobiles - and you have piece of mind if you have one of those tracking apps. My rule is that they have to have phone and data on so I know where they are and can contact them if necessary. (And vice versa so they can contact me.)

Country it's her best friends mum that gives her a lift, they go to the same school not some random weirdo. I've known her mum 20 years

My DD and DS were both walking around our area from 11. And as a child I roamed pretty freely on my bike and foot even younger than that. I did a 3 mile journey to and from school every day as well.

It is our job as parents to enable our children to learn to be independent. And teaching them about how to be safe.

I agree I need to sit with her and have a talk about scenarios and keeping safe.

And let her do things gradually.

I just didn't want her going out for hours alone in a new area.

Thanks for the perspective :)

I am shocked that a 12-year-old has never been out alone. Two 12-year-olds out together is comply normal.

I work with kids from all different backgrounds. I have met a lot of children around this age who have overly protective, helicopter type parents. All very well intentioned and loving, but equally smothering and disempowering. The children tend to have low self esteem and high anxiety, and not much appreciation of what life can be like for other people who are less fortunate than they are. It’s only my opinion based on my observations but I think growing up in an overly sheltered bubble and constantly receiving messages from their parents that they are not capable and that the world is unsafe is a significant factor in their poor mental health. I totally understand the desire to protect your children, but I think you need to balance this with the aim of raising a fully functioning adult who has some resilience and good problem solving skills. This won’t happen unless children are allowed to practice and develop these skills in age appropriate ways.

For context, I was using public transport on my own around a big city by the age of 11, and I first went to the shop on my own aged 10.

Yes I would but I’d want to know where they were so shopping is fine as I’d know they were in town somewhere; a craft fayre fine as I’d know and I wouldn’t mind a walk round our area if I knew vaguely where they were but not just off wandering places where I wouldn’t know where to look for her.
I do wonder if your experiences are colouring things though as I never had those experiences growing up (some inappropriate beeping of horns from middle age men did happen though) and I’m very aware what the risks are out there but I think it needs to be balanced for children to have freedom

@LittleBearPad

I’d let them go shopping, for a walk etc

There you go-depends where you live to a certain extent. Where I live, semi rural, the kids do a lot locally alone, lots need a parental lift but it’s a rite of passage to get the bus with mates to local big town. Where my sil lives-similar to you, many places are just not safe and this was drilled into niece early in. Do what you feel safest.

Ugh quoted wrong post.

I don’t think I’d let my DD roam for 4 hours.
I didn’t grow up in the U.K. and I find it strange that young teens spend their time hanging out around the streets/parks.
When I was 12 I was busy with homework, chores, after school activities-sport and drama clubs. At 12 I still spent most of my time with family and the time I spent with friends was either at their house or at an activity like cinema or bowling.
Obviously my views are different to the majority here in the U.K. but I really don’t know why young kids need to wander the streets.

Aimlessly wandering - no- going somewhere like the park or shopping centre, yes I would. Definitely you need to speak with her about what to do when out and about should anything happen, but she’s 12, she needs some freedom

Totally depends on the area. We used to hang about all hours in the late 80s, early 90s in Eastern Europe but it was 'safe'. We were very aware and careful etc. I'm not sire that's the same now.

You could let them out in certain areas and not in others in the UK. Only you know where you live.

It's difficult as it is not a nice area. I'm sure a lot of you live in very nice areas so don't have the same worries.

We are on a big city council estate full of little shites. So playing out has never been an option for my kids as they would either be attacked or end up as one of these delinquent kids.

My over protectiveness has kept them as good kids doing well at school, which there are not many round here. It's sad.

My 11yo is often out with her friends without an adult. They go to the park, the local shops, each others' gardens. She and her friend walk to and from school together every day. She's going to the cinema with her friend today.

So yes, I would let 2 12 year olds out alone. But it would depend on the area.

Not for hours on end and not in dodgy areas, but at 12 I think she’s old enough to do a bit of wandering around with a friend.

DD1 (now 13 and Yr 8) goes into town with friends, sits in the park, all that stuff. But I wouldn't be happy with aimless wandering in deserted places. We have lots of open land near us and I wouldn't agree to her going there. But no problem with her going out with friends generally. They do need to spread their wings a bit.

Going into local town shopping/cinema/craft fair/park for the afternoon with a friend fine but I do live in a fairly safe area. You do need to let her do these things.

My over protectiveness has kept them as good kids doing well at school, which there are not many round here. It's sad

The problem is you have to allow natural progression into adulthood. Being a good kid and doing well at school is great but if she lacks both the social skills and the street knowledge she needs then the next few years will be even harder for her.

I wouldn't let a pair of 12yo's wander around where you are, not a chance. She wouldn't be going to that friends house again either. Her friend would be welcome here, but the mother would have lost my trust. You don't allow someone else's child to do that, at that age.

They're too young to be walking fields & canal paths where you are IMO.

It’s very area dependant.
Shopping centre it cinema at 12 yes but never let mine wander round for hours, especially near water, and our area is considered nice. Most here though stay close to hime and utilise gardens etc for socialising in.

Depends where they are going.
If they walked to x destination or along x route, fine.
Just wandering he streets = not fine.