Would you let 2 twelve year old girls go out alone?

[Goldenskeletons]

DD is in Yr 7.
Upto now her primary school friends have always come to the house or she's gone to theirs. Stayed at home, played in garden, on computer etc...

She gets a lift to school and back.

A new friend invited her to her house to go to a local craft fair, DD said mum was going too. But she didn't. I was then told they went for a walk down the canal.

Friend has invited her round again but said her mum is sick so they aren't allowed in the house.
So I assume they are just going to spend hours wandering about.

I am just not comfortable with it and neither is her father. He said flat out, no.

I remember being accosted several times at her age by men and even followed by one with his penis out :(

I just don't think it's safe for 2 12 year old to wander about for 4 hours alone.

Am I being crazy?
I've booked swimming for her instead and said friend can come round Friday and we will go shopping at her face alt complex.

She seems happy and wasn't surprised we said no.
Urgh. It's so hard having kids these days

Also I wonder if the invite with the caveat that the mum was sick was actually an attempt to get a counter offer 'oh why don't you come over here instead if your mum is not feeling too good?'

As a half way can they not go swimming and to the centre themselves? If too far to walk, could you drive them and go somewhere else and they call when they are ready to be collected?

Yes my DD has been going into town by herself since age 11.

@Yolanda524

I don’t think I’d let my DD roam for 4 hours. I didn’t grow up in the U.K. and I find it strange that young teens spend their time hanging out around the streets/parks. When I was 12 I was busy with homework, chores, after school activities-sport and drama clubs. At 12 I still spent most of my time with family and the time I spent with friends was either at their house or at an activity like cinema or bowling. Obviously my views are different to the majority here in the U.K. but I really don’t know why young kids need to wander the streets.

Sorry to pry but, out of interest, where did you grow up? Children in the UK today seem to have a lot less freedom and a lot more structured activity than in lots of other countries.

My dd has been hanging out with friends since year 6, either at the park, local shop or coffee shop. She has a phone so keeps in touch constantly. Maybe it just depends what kind of area you live in?

An activity.. shopping centre, swimming, cinema and getting there with a lift or bus yes. Just wandering around in a dodgy area no. The safety talk has to happen anyway. If she’s at school in the area then you might be surprised how much she actually knows already… she will see what other kids get up to. It’s hard op, and I second Life360 as a great app to help ease you in

I am going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't, not in a bad area. I grew up in a rough area and it was a nightmare, from unwanted sexual attention from grown men, to physical violence from people your own age. I was allowed to go and DO something, like walk half an hour to the cinema, go out with a group of mates and hang out in the park etc. But I would never have been allowed out to wander aimlessly. My kids are allowed to wander aimlessly but we live in the middle of nowhere and their chances of meeting anyone are slim. I worry more about them having an accident and not being found for a while.

Also, I agree with giving her the safety talk now, regardless, and teach her how to stand up for herself with creeps.

Maybe the compromise is to suggest they catch a bus to the centre and go shopping/do an activity?

There's a reason going to a shopping centre and having a coffee/bubble tea is popular with young girls- it's a journey to independence but a pretty safe one.

It's not zero/sum (letting her roam wild/never letting her out) - it's more about having a goal (independent young woman, confident but aware, by x age) and working towards that in stages.

In general it's normal for kids of that age to be out without adults. However, you have also mentioned that it is a very bad area with recent attacks etc so I do think that changes things

Also, it's worth having a think about your anxiety - becoming self-aware about it, so that you can parent in a way that you are happy with.

At the moment, you know you are anxious, and it makes you un-confident in your parenting. You feel you can't trust your judgment/choices because you're never sure if a decision is a good one or driven by your anxiety.

That's just going to really stress you out - unnecessarily.

So deal with it head-on. Deal with the anxiety.

What triggers your anxiety? What are you trying to avoid for your daughter with your anxiety? Why?

If nothing else, it'll stop you being so hard on yourself - and probably make parenting more pleasurable.

It's lovely being a parent - it really is - along with being difficult and tricky. What keeps all of us gojng is that the pleasure outweighs the difficulty.

So, deal with your anxiety as a separate thing and help yourself as a parent.

(It's very, very tough being anxious. It's a MH issue. If it's really bad , you should take it seriously and see a GP.)

I wouldn't be happy about the walking along the canal when the trip to the fair was cancelled. I would have expected a call/text to check that it was okay first.

I think I would be ok with them going to the craft fair alone, as it is planned and rules can be set etc, but I wouldn’t want them just wandering around aimlessly.

I’d let them go out. At 12 I fee unaccompanied to another country to visit family. I’ve grown up to be a level headed independent adult and would encourage this in my children too.

My mum was strict for the time I grew up (80s/90s) and I wasnt allowed to play out, but at 12 I was going to school on the bus with my friends and hanging out with them parent-free at the weekends. We'd go to the local shopping centre, have lunch, go to the cinema or swimming, picnic in a local peak etc. I had a strict home time.

I understand your concerns about the area, but the longer you leave it, the less street savvy your child will be. They have to learn to use their instincts about what situations to avoid and how to keep themselves safe.

When my DC was that age they were allowed out alone with friends but only with a purpose in mind. So going to play footie for a couple of hours or in your DD’s case going to the craft fair would have be fine but just roaming around for hours on end would not. In my experience (and I work in a secondary school so have that perspective as well) that’s when they get themselves into trouble or find themselves in risky situations.

It’s getting the balance of allowing them more freedom but with safe boundaries. Ultimately, if you’re not comfortable with something you don’t have to allow it, no matter what “everyone else’s parents” do.

Just wandering around, no. Going somewhere specific -shops, craft fair, etc etc then yes probably. Especially if they both have phones.

You sound very overprotective. Make sure she has a phone so she can contact someone in an emergency.

In the area OP describes, I probably wouldn't be happy with random wandering.

My 10yo DS walks into our town to see his friends and I would happily let him go alone. But we live in a super-safe little rural market town.

That depends where they go, where you live, time of day etc.

I'd certainly let sensible 12's go out to a craft fair, shops, a cafe, a trip to the library, a bus ride , but I'd know how they were getting there and back, and when.

My parents are conservative and overprotective and even they had loosened the reins considerably by the time I was in year 7! I had to get the bus home from school with schoolfriends at that age anyway. I didn't do loads without adults present but would do things like go to the park, car boot sales, festivals (local free ones), library, town centre for shopping and lunch and just hanging about, gym etc with similar aged friends. I can see your concern if you think they will be 'hanging about outside' on the street but as long as they're somewhere with other people, in daylight and somewhere appropriate and even better vaguely purposeful I think you need to relax.

I think it’s relative to where you live, the maturity of your children and what’s been agreed in advance.
I’d have (had) no issue with any of ours doing as you’ve described but we’re in a market town with few incidents. Our son was a higher risk of being attacked/in a fight (as a demographic not his behaviour!) than our daughters.
We talked about how to ensure personal safety, where to go/who to talk to if worried or feeling unsafe, etc. Someone mentioned what to do if accused of shoplifting which hadn’t occurred to me.
DH and I would discuss what we were comfortable with then talk to the kids and take onboard any comments they had and adjust if reasonable.

I’d let them go as long as they stay together. Ho shopping or the cinema or the park with a lot of be careful talks etc

Yes absolutely
I know it's slightly different for girls but my 12yo boy goes out with friends alone all the time
We live in a fairly safe area and the nearest town is small. I don't think it's right to limit girls' lives for fear of stranger danger. Risk assess it and plan properly and let her develop her independence

Gosh yes.

Seriously? They get themselves to school I presume - some kids walk a fair way, some get the bus or tube.

I do realise that this has been a tough 12 months and yr6-7-8 DC have not had the chances for independence that they normally would but really.

Where would they go? Local park? Shops? Have a walk around? I would like to think they were doing something rather than just mooching, but that's not about their age so much. So I might sub her some cash and suggest the cinema or a trip to a local cafe.

Does she not normally go anywhere on her own or just with friends? If not, it's time to let her. Mine were going into town with friends by the time they left primary.