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Original poster

Is this autism and how to help if so? Or am I just too sensitive?

68 replies

Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:05

My reasonably new DP of almost a year told me at the start, in passing, that he was sure he was on the spectrum. I didn’t think much of it, just took it as a fact about him and have fallen for him massively.

We’ve gone on a weekend away and it’s been nice. One of the things he seems to do regularly is freeze if plans change even slightly. We had plans this evening to eat at 5pm. His mum is now driving up to meet him for a coffee, which means timing wise 5pm is going to make things really tricky. I said let’s try and find somewhere else to go later. He froze, stared into space, said he was thinking. He then said he was a bit unsettled now plans were changing. Anyway, we eventually agreed to stay in and get a take away as it would be easier than rushing around. But the whole incident has thrown me a bit.

Another example is that we are due home on Wednesday. We don’t live together. I suggested I stay at his Wednesday night instead of driving to mine when we get back so late. He said ok I’m not sure I don’t know what I’m doing... I didn’t react well to this, said why would he be funny about me staying over when we get back at 10pm and will need to go to bed for work next day, why would he want me to drive late at night (it’s a 50 min journey) after travelling all of Wednesday already. He seemed totally taken aback by this, which upset me more as he didn’t seem to get it. He just said he wanted to think it through Hmm

I really love him and want this to work with him but I’m finding these sorts of things hard. When we spoke about me staying over, he sort of stared into space and said of course he wanted me to but he wanted to think about it how it would work... that’s literally his answer to all things like this. I can’t get my head around it but wonder if it is related to autism. I don’t know? He’s absolutely wonderful and loving in all other ways but these moments make me question it all?!

Am I being silly here? Would others find this difficult? Maybe I’m too sensitive.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 30/05/2021 14:08

No, I would find it difficult. If you can deal with it and cope with it and spend the rest of your life dealing with it then cracking. If you can’t then it’s fine for this to be a deal breaker.

If you love him and you want to make it work then you need to have an honest conversation with him:

Zanzibar55 · 30/05/2021 14:09

I have a DH and a brother-in-law like this. They hate anything spontaneous, and need lots of advance notice of anything happening.
Personally, I don't think it's autism, just a character trait.

peboh · 30/05/2021 14:09

Some people thrive on routine. It doesn't necessarily mean they have autism.
Is there anything else that would make you believe this?

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:09

Also I don’t know if it’s relevant but he’s really sensitive to other things too, can be quite emotional but in a good way

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Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:10

@peboh only because he’s said it

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peboh · 30/05/2021 14:11

Has he been diagnosed? What is it that makes him think he's autistic. There really isn't enough information to state wether his behaviours are autism, or just character traits.

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:11

@PotteringAlong I wouldn’t even class that as spontaneous though really? It was just changing plans to fit better and then me staying over was a convenience thing that happens a lot, nothing new about it. It feels really hard.

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Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:12

@peboh no don’t think he’s been diagnosed. Guess it doesn’t matter the cause it’s just hard to deal with it

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anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 14:13

Oh for goodness sake. He didn't want you to stay over, for whatever reason. Why did you react badly?

Saucery · 30/05/2021 14:14

He’s been honest with you and at the moment just seems to need time to process changes in plans. He’s not snappy or angry about it, he just needs that space.
Only you can decide if that’s something you want to deal with in an ongoing relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2021 14:14

You can love someone and still need to leave them. Loving someone does not mean the relationship can work. I could not deal with his rigidness. It's selfish and self-absorbed, and does not mean they have autism. He sounds like it would be hell on earth to live with him.

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:15

@anothernewtop I think it’s the reaction he had. Pensive and confused and silent...he needs to think how it will work?

Maybe it’s me and I’m too much but I find that hurtful. If it doesn’t fit just say why?

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DinosaurOfFire · 30/05/2021 14:15

I am autistic and that would throw me too. What I would need in that situation is time to think, so if it was, for eg, my sister staying at mine at 10pm on weds she would ask "I was thinking maybe I could stay. Have a think and let me know later today"
Sudden changes of plan throw me as well. I can be very flexible if something is planned to be- eg if I went on a trip to London and we had decided in advance to make a decision each day where to go sightseeing, that would be ok. But changing the plans for the next couple of hours I would really struggle with. I need time to plan and adapt to the changes before they happen.

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:16

@Aquamarine1029 I find it self absorbed sometimes but then also think it’s just his nature I don’t think he wants to be selfish if that makes sense?! He’s so loving and caring

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Orf1abc · 30/05/2021 14:17

Autism is a complex diagnosis. It's not something that can be ascertained by two brief issues, and certainly not by randoms on the internet.

The only things you know for sure are that he doesn't like change, and that to some extent he needs his own space (not sure about you staying over). If you want to help, then recognise that he sometimes needs longer to process these things, he'll struggle if you expect immediate answers. If this doesn't work for you, then the relationship won't work.

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:19

@DinosaurOfFire that is exactly what he said afterwards when we talked about it. He said it wasn’t that he didn’t want me to, he just wanted time to think it through and it would probably be fine.

I feel like I upset him for no reason now as I know from the past if I drop something into conversation and just leave it for him to consider usually we end up wanting to do the same thing.

Feel like I’ve ruined the weekend after this Sad

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anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 14:23

[quote Grettir]@anothernewtop I think it’s the reaction he had. Pensive and confused and silent...he needs to think how it will work?

Maybe it’s me and I’m too much but I find that hurtful. If it doesn’t fit just say why?[/quote]

I would rather raining take time to think than give me the first answer that came into their head, particularly when it may not be the right one.

That said you seem to find it a slight against you so perhaps this relationship isn't for you.

On the autism side of things, if he genuinely does have autistic traits and feels he fits the criteria he should pursue a diagnosis.

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 14:24

I would rather SOMEONE take time to think

Orf1abc · 30/05/2021 14:25

I didn’t react well to this, said why would he be funny about me staying over when we get back at 10pm and will need to go to bed for work next day, why would he want me to drive late at night (it’s a 50 min journey) after travelling all of Wednesday already. He seemed totally taken aback by this, which upset me more as he didn’t seem to get it. He just said he wanted to think it through hmm

To prove how dangerous diagnosis by internet can be, if someone posted that their boyfriend had reacted as you did, then most would be suggesting that you were out of order, overreacted, red flag and so on. They might even call you a narcissist (I'm sure you're not, but that's what happens when people form judgments on so little information).

You are both individuals, not diagnoses. Talk to each other about how you can both better communicate your feelings and respect each other's ways.

Nettleskeins · 30/05/2021 14:30

I know plenty of people like this and they aren't autistic....unless you massively increase the parameters of "autism".
I suspect I am on the spectrum but neither of these changes would bother me. He is just being what I would call "controlling".
And autism doesn't excuse that, because it is rude to be that inflexible. For a start as a parent, inflexibility would be injurious to any kids you might bring up together.

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:31

@Nettleskeins I did consider this but he’s massively caring and loving in other ways. More than anyone I know.

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DoingItMyself · 30/05/2021 14:32

Stop changing arrangements. Unless you've agreed in advance that you're going to 'wing it', he needs to know what's happening when, and that should go ahead, not change. He needs to create his mental framework.

HunkyPunk · 30/05/2021 14:36

Maybe he had left the house in disarray when he left. Perhaps he's worried that the sheets need changing?

Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:37

@HunkyPunk no we stayed there before the trip. I also stay there regularly.

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Original poster
Grettir · 30/05/2021 14:39

@DoingItMyself yes I’ve very much relalised this today. He clearly absolutely hates any change in plan and if there’s a new idea it needs to sit with him a while.

Guess it’s just hard to understand but I want to as I love him very much

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