Page 2 | Is this autism and how to help if so? Or am I just too sensitive?

BlackeyedSusan · 30/05/2021 14:42

Yes the change of plans thing is an autism trait. quite common. not his fault.

you can decide if it is a deal breaker or not.

Gingerkittykat · 30/05/2021 14:53

I am autistic and small changes in plans, especially at the last minute really upset me. I need time to process changes.

I think you need to directly communicate with him to try and find out what is going on inside his head and so he knows what you are thinking and feeling.

HunkyPunk · 30/05/2021 15:02

[quote Grettir]@HunkyPunk no we stayed there before the trip. I also stay there regularly.[/quote]
Ah, not that, then

I do know that often my default reaction to any spontaneous suggestion is 'no'. I work really hard to fight it and not to convey this to people, and will employ various delaying tactics - 'got to check with dh/check calendar at home, will get back to you' (thank goodness I don't have a pocket diary!), and often after I've mulled it over will think 'Well, why not? That would be nice' I hate being put on the spot. Even dh suggesting something out of the normal routine will sometimes have me in a tizz! Give me a few minutes. though, and all's fine. Would love to be an 'open house, drop of a hat, nothing phases me' kind of person, but I'm just not
Sounds like he might be similar, and has to 'come round' to things?

Original poster

Grettir · 30/05/2021 15:06

@HunkyPunk yeah I think he is. It’s just really hit home to me after posting here that the key is he needs time to think about plans. I wish i had just said ‘maybe we could think about me staying Wednesday rather than driving back late’ and left it at that. I’m sure he would have been fine with that when it came to the day. I feel like I’ve ruined the trip for a stupid reason now :(

OP posts:

IsolaPribby · 30/05/2021 15:13

This is a very interesting link about why autistic people find it difficult when plans change.
m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=161893259272332&id=100063549754002

Reloxa · 30/05/2021 15:35

I think some of the replies you're getting are a bit harsh OP. I'd find his response to staying over difficult as well, because he's not prioritising your safety and comfort.

Yes, you could phrase things differently and give time for consideration, but it would bother me that various vague considerations came before my wellbeing.

Original poster

Grettir · 30/05/2021 15:38

@Reloxa yeah that’s exactly it..there’s no reason I can’t stay unless he just fancies some time to himself which is hurtful given the circumstances as it would make things far easier for me to stay. I think he is wonderful though and he’s so great generally that it has made me wonder if his reactions to these things is autism related. His brother has severe autism and needs support constantly. I admit though some of it makes me feel insecure which is my issue not his.

OP posts:

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 15:41

I'd find his response to staying over difficult as well, because he's not prioritising your safety and comfort.

He is allowed to take time to think, to prioritise himself.

UmamiMammy · 30/05/2021 16:37

My DH has autism, he hates it when anything changes. Eg. Travelling on the motorway, he asked if I want to stop at next services in 6 miles, I said no. Then I noticed traffic was building and thought it might be wise to stop after all and said so. We were still 3 miles from the services but it totally freaked him out that changed my mind!

VodkaSlimline · 30/05/2021 16:47

He hasn't even got a diagnosis and regardless of whether or not he's autistic it's not your job to "help". You're his girlfriend, not his carer. Sounds like you need to decide whether his inability to be spontaneous/enthusiastic is a dealbreaker.

ShakeaHettyFeather · 30/05/2021 16:58

Could be autism, could be dyslexia, could just be someone who gets frazzled by plans changing because they're crap at organising and remembering what's happening when.

If you both can learn to work together, then great - eg if he is happy for plans to be re-made and you can reassure him that there will still be dinner by X time and he will still get alone time by Y day. Or if you manage not to confirm plans until you are happy for them to be set in stone.

bitheby · 30/05/2021 17:16

This freezing in response to change sounds like classically autistic behaviour. It's an anxiety response. He needs time to process the change and the implications of the change and get used to a new plan. I'm assuming he is as he thinks he is and it has a genetic component and clearly is in his family and answering accordingly.

Have you ever seen a documentary on autistic children where they need a picture timeline of their day to show them what activities are happening and in what order and when or they have screaming meltdowns because they can't cope? It's that response. By going quiet and thinking he is able to manage that sudden rush of adrenaline and confusion.

It's up to you whether or not you can cope with it but none of it is meant personally. It's also not selfish or controlling other than in the sense that he has a disability that requires a huge mental load to manageable needs to control his environment to keep from overloading. Without those quiet moments for processing and time alone to recover from social interaction, his life would be much harder and more stressful. If you can be compassionate to this and recognise his needs even though this has an impact on you, then this might help you not to take it as an insult.

AlfonsoTheMango · 30/05/2021 17:20

Autism is much more than not liking change, which is human nature.

And I would take with a large amount of salt self-diagnoses, particularly of autism.

Wbeezer · 30/05/2021 17:26

Everybody in my family is like this, all the young ones have official dx of either ASD or ADHD (and they get it from their parents!). I find it really really hard to be spontaneous or change plans, my parents phoned up this morning and very gently suggested coming over this afternoon to see us, i said yes but felt panicky and resentful, even a bit tearful at having to tidy up rather than potter in the garden, however i knew that if i just kept going the bad feeling would diminish and Id be glad in the end. I was. DS2 answers "im not sure" to almost every question anyone answers, even innicuis ones like what flavour of crisps , he's not being evasive he just needs time to think. They all got extra time in exams to process the questions as they have slow processing speed. All the information goes in but its like your brain can't take it in right away or relate it to other relevant information already stored. Poor executive function is also common with ASD which can cause all sorts of problems with keeping times and dates and plans straight in our heads.
Is a though your brain has a nice efficient Google calender installed and can see at a glance how things will work and someone with ASD or ADHD has a messy desk where they know roughly where everything is and will find the info and react appropriately if given time to look.
The key thing is your boyfriend did not melt down, get angry, or go in a huff and was happy to try and accommodate you when you gave him time. Its not that hard to do that when you get used to it, it becomes second nature.

DinosaurOfFire · 30/05/2021 17:26

@Grettir I doubt you have ruined the weekend, you can always bring it up with him and explain how you feel, how you can see you both had different ideas on how to communicate and figure out how to go forward. It sounds like you really care about him, and from what you say about him as though this is not a deal breaker for you at the moment (although if it does turn out to be that's ok too).

@Nettleskeins it is not always a choice to be inflexible under stress. And plenty of autistic parents who are inflexible when put on the spot find ways to bring up children well- I have 3 kids, 1 diagnosed asd and 2 who are on the pathway, my DH is probably autistic too but doesn't see that a diagnosis would change anything for him. We just have our own coping mechanisms and keep communication open, if one of us is struggling the other steps in and vice versa. It is better to take some processing time before changing plans, rather than feel put on the spot and make a split second decision (which is often a default no as a pp mentioned) and then regret that choice.

FullThrottle · 30/05/2021 17:28

I think you should go and read this thread and see if you identify with any of it... this is not the kind of thing to go into blindly.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

I have family members who are autistic and have some understanding. I have found people inviting themselves over without prior notice and permission isn’t a winner. In fact, some neurotypical people in relationships dislike this as well, and that’s why they don’t live with anyone.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2021 17:29

Are you considering having children with him in the future, OP?

TotorosCatBus · 30/05/2021 17:32

I'd find it difficult too.

I have an adult child like this and his reaction to a change in plan can range from anger to panic. I have always been careful with disclosing plans because something out of my control like the weather could scupper it. He needs time to digest the problem and come to the same solution as me rather than be overwhelmed with the problem and my solution at the same time.

Branleuse · 30/05/2021 17:41

Can you talk to him.
Tell him that you remembee him saying he thought he was probably on the spectrum so you do get it that changes of plan feel unsettling, but that sometimes they do need to happen and its kind of awkward to think that nothing can ever be spontaneous.

Asking if you can stay over on wednesday is hardly a last minute thing. I suspect he really wants a few hours alone time before having to go straight back to work. Could that be it? Could you reassure him that if you did need to stay over, then youre fine for it to be low key, peaceful and head sttaight to bed so hes fresh for work? He might not even realise that this has made you feel unwelcome

14Tealights · 30/05/2021 17:54

@Grettir

My reasonably new DP of almost a year told me at the start, in passing, that he was sure he was on the spectrum. I didn’t think much of it, just took it as a fact about him and have fallen for him massively.

We’ve gone on a weekend away and it’s been nice. One of the things he seems to do regularly is freeze if plans change even slightly. We had plans this evening to eat at 5pm. His mum is now driving up to meet him for a coffee, which means timing wise 5pm is going to make things really tricky. I said let’s try and find somewhere else to go later. He froze, stared into space, said he was thinking. He then said he was a bit unsettled now plans were changing. Anyway, we eventually agreed to stay in and get a take away as it would be easier than rushing around. But the whole incident has thrown me a bit.

Another example is that we are due home on Wednesday. We don’t live together. I suggested I stay at his Wednesday night instead of driving to mine when we get back so late. He said ok I’m not sure I don’t know what I’m doing... I didn’t react well to this, said why would he be funny about me staying over when we get back at 10pm and will need to go to bed for work next day, why would he want me to drive late at night (it’s a 50 min journey) after travelling all of Wednesday already. He seemed totally taken aback by this, which upset me more as he didn’t seem to get it. He just said he wanted to think it through

I really love him and want this to work with him but I’m finding these sorts of things hard. When we spoke about me staying over, he sort of stared into space and said of course he wanted me to but he wanted to think about it how it would work... that’s literally his answer to all things like this. I can’t get my head around it but wonder if it is related to autism. I don’t know? He’s absolutely wonderful and loving in all other ways but these moments make me question it all?!

Am I being silly here? Would others find this difficult? Maybe I’m too sensitive.

I'm autistic and I do both of those things.

I do understand now I'm older that it is upsetting to be on the receiving end but I'll ty amd explain what it feels like for me in case it helps you.

Staying overnight at his when you get back, it isn't that he has disregarded you or doesn't care about you doing the drive back. It's just that it hasn't even occurred to him. It wouldn't occur to me either. If I were in his position, I might have planned to do a load of laundry or have a bath or watch a film. I would already know what I planned to do when I got home and the thought of someone else being there would be very unsettling. If that person explained to me their reasons and gave me time to process it and realise I could still do what I wanted to do then I would agree to it but my first response would be no. I wouldn't think of their reasons without being told.

If I make plans to see someone, I generally make them early in the day - I'd rather meet a friend for breakfast than lunch or dinner because I get 'stuck' and can do little else while I'm waiting for the 7pm arrangement.

What works best for me is someone being really clear about what they are suggesting and why. And not expecting an immediate response. I need time to get head around changes and feeling pressured into making a decision on the spot will likely result in a blanket "no".

If you are going to date an autistic person you have to accept that hey are not going to think and process in the same way as an NT person and their way of doing things is as normal to them as your way is to you. It's just about finding a way of communicating that works.

14Tealights · 30/05/2021 17:59

it is not always a choice to be inflexible under stress.

This is true but when day to day life is filled with stress it's natural to want to minimise it where possible.

Some stresses can't be avoided but others can.

2bazookas · 30/05/2021 18:24

It makes no difference if he's been labelled.

He's an adult; this is how he is. You are an adult, you are as you are.

Either, you can accept him as he is.

Or find someone else.

Wbeezer · 30/05/2021 18:31

There are very few places in the UK where its easy to get an adult ASD diagnosis by the way, often private clinics are all that are available.

AlfonsoTheMango · 30/05/2021 18:35

@Wbeezer

There are very few places in the UK where its easy to get an adult ASD diagnosis by the way, often private clinics are all that are available.

That sounds like diagnosis shopping.

Branleuse · 30/05/2021 18:42

@Wbeezer

There are very few places in the UK where its easy to get an adult ASD diagnosis by the way, often private clinics are all that are available.

Its easier than it used to be actually. I got diagnosed a couple of years ago