Is this autism and how to help if so? Or am I just too sensitive?

[Grettir]

My reasonably new DP of almost a year told me at the start, in passing, that he was sure he was on the spectrum. I didn’t think much of it, just took it as a fact about him and have fallen for him massively.

We’ve gone on a weekend away and it’s been nice. One of the things he seems to do regularly is freeze if plans change even slightly. We had plans this evening to eat at 5pm. His mum is now driving up to meet him for a coffee, which means timing wise 5pm is going to make things really tricky. I said let’s try and find somewhere else to go later. He froze, stared into space, said he was thinking. He then said he was a bit unsettled now plans were changing. Anyway, we eventually agreed to stay in and get a take away as it would be easier than rushing around. But the whole incident has thrown me a bit.

Another example is that we are due home on Wednesday. We don’t live together. I suggested I stay at his Wednesday night instead of driving to mine when we get back so late. He said ok I’m not sure I don’t know what I’m doing... I didn’t react well to this, said why would he be funny about me staying over when we get back at 10pm and will need to go to bed for work next day, why would he want me to drive late at night (it’s a 50 min journey) after travelling all of Wednesday already. He seemed totally taken aback by this, which upset me more as he didn’t seem to get it. He just said he wanted to think it through

I really love him and want this to work with him but I’m finding these sorts of things hard. When we spoke about me staying over, he sort of stared into space and said of course he wanted me to but he wanted to think about it how it would work... that’s literally his answer to all things like this. I can’t get my head around it but wonder if it is related to autism. I don’t know? He’s absolutely wonderful and loving in all other ways but these moments make me question it all?!

Am I being silly here? Would others find this difficult? Maybe I’m too sensitive.

That sounds like diagnosis shopping.

It's more that the NHS are reluctant to refer adults unless it's impacting severely on your life. It you have reached adulthood without a diagnosis it's likely you have developed strategies and coping mechanisms. I was diagnosed at 40 when mine started to breakdown. There is no support for adults with HFA so little point in diagnosis unless you want reasonable adjustments at work or just an explanation for why you aren't functioning.

Even if you meet diagnostic criteria, the NHS won't necessarily issue a diagnosis. I was advised this is because then there is a responsibility that they will meet your needs and they don't have the capacity to do so.

If you pay for a private assessment you will be assessed authentically.

It's not about shopping around until you find someone who will say yes, you're autistic.

Diagnosis shopping? Omg?
Maybe you havent noticed how many services have been defunded?

Is he a touch introvert?
I am and I really look forward to being alone after a trip away with people. He might have just wanted a bit of space when he gets home.

I was diagnosed by the NHS a few years ago, aged 40.

I thought "diagnosis shopping" was too, that poster has never had to deal with the many and varied barriers to getting an accurate diagnosis, its not something you do on a whim. I haven't done it for myself because there is little point at this stage and it's not as if it opens doors to a vast array of help, help is based on your ability to function, not your diagnosis.
Id looked to understand what the poster means by "diagnosis shopping"?

My autistic DD is like this, and like you say it's not necessarily that she's against the change in plans, it's just that she was totally prepared for the plans as they were, she spent time mentally preparing for them as they were, and now she's got to start all over again. And she will do it, and often she prefers the change in plans, but when it happens it throws her for a bit. I am not the most patient person in the world, but I try to remember this for her sake, and present changes gently and as soon as possible so she has time to adjust. In her case, I often will walk through all the possible scenarios of what could happen, and over-explain so she has as much information as possible to help her.

Whether he's autistic or not isn't the point - if he is like this, he will struggle to change, so it's up to you whether you feel you can live with it.

I've just read that Purple Ella FB link that someone posted and it's exactly right. Making a Plan B in as many situations as possible really helps. Not sure you could have done that in this situation, though.

Being thrown by a change of plans is typical autism, appearing self absorbed is too. Give him time to get his head around any changes in plans would be my advice and don't expect him to know what you're thinking/expecting. There will certainly be challenges and you will need to be patient, but I bet he will be loyal and trustworthy - it just depends if you can live with the challenges.

I feel like this at times and so does my son. My son has a diagnosis. Whatever it is, he can't help it clearly and I think you need to be supportive of how he feels.

It seems more high maintenance of you to be so upset over him not immediately agreeing with your change of plans, making it about your comfort, and you now needing to tell a forum how you think you've ruined a whole weekend because of it. Sounds like hard work.

He's allowed time, as an independent adult, to think about plans and decide what he wants to do. He was calm and rational and agreed with what you wanted. If you can't accept he has needs and preferences too and not over react then maybe it isn't the right relationship for you both. If you don't normally over react, then be a bit more clear with your reasoning and he'll be able to think things through and make his choices. It's very common for someone with ASD to need time to wind down, it makes sense he might've had plans and now he's changed them to accommodate you.

My autistic DS is exactly like this, its not that he doesn't want to do whatever is being suggested, he just struggles when what he thought was happening changes at short notice. Things that happen suddenly out of the blue like fire alarms cause him a lot of distress too. To be honest, its fine, we are all used to it, he does cope but we try and work round it to avoid causing him too much stress, he genuinely can't help it.

It makes no difference if he's been labelled

What, like a suitcase or a jar of jam?

It could make a huge difference to him if he has a medical diagnosis of autism. If you read accounts of autistic people diagnosed in adulthood, many say they now understand why they have gone through life feeling as though there was some secret code that other people knew and followed but despite their best efforts, they could never crack the code to be like other people.

Alternatively, he may be at peace with himself and tell OP that's who he is and how he is, and she needs to allow him space and time to adapt to anything that phases him.

It's up to both the OP and her DP to see if they can make a good relationship together, or if the different expectations of what that entails are too difficult to continue.

Having grown up with a family member like this the difficulty is that life can't always be planned in advance. In my experience growing up with a relative with similar traits, the levels of stress inflicted on everyone else when unexpected events happen can be pretty challenging. I've grown up with a tendency to constantly think ahead trying to micromanage potential flash points. It's a pretty stressful way to live accommodating these traits and something to consider , especially if you are thinking of long term partner because parenting is not at all predictable.

@tenredthings

Having grown up with a family member like this the difficulty is that life can't always be planned in advance. In my experience growing up with a relative with similar traits, the levels of stress inflicted on everyone else when unexpected events happen can be pretty challenging. I've grown up with a tendency to constantly think ahead trying to micromanage potential flash points. It's a pretty stressful way to live accommodating these traits and something to consider , especially if you are thinking of long term partner because parenting is not at all predictable.

Im sure it can be stressful but if hes willing to accomodate and consider NTs frequent changes of plans on a whim, then its not massively unreasonable to consider how to make these things less stressful, such as considering plans b and c in advance rather than leaving these till last minute etc, and not jumping to conclusions that he doesnt care just because he takes time to process a change. People arent like build a bear where you get to just put one back on the shelf and find another brand that just has the good stuff and no problems or flaws. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and you find ways to work around their idiosyncrasies or you end up actually finding these things funny and laugh about them. Lots of people that would say ah yeah this might be annoying for a long term relationship, meaning someone elses autistic trait, have almost certainly got things that are annoying about them too. Barring actual abuse or neglect, yknow its kind of shitty to suggest dumping someone they love over autistic behaviour thats not even that bad

What @Branleuse said

DS has ASD and it's been a long learning process picking upon this trait which was one of a catalogue of triggers for referral (harder to work out when he was younger and would seemingly "tantrum" over just about anything. In OP's case it is the way he is, autism or not. He has articulated the issue quite well from OP's account.

I'm a spontaneous impulsive person, so raising a child who likes predictability is interesting... he needs time to process plans, well timed food (don't announce on an empty stomach), countdowns to transitions and it does help if I say that plan A is to do this, but if there is an is an issue plan B is to do that. It helps when you understand that this is the way someone is and that it's not a personal reaction.

It is something you can adapt to living with (with a child there's not much choice!) and if the rest of the relationship is positive and compatible that's fine. Equally a relationship is about the only family you choose and if there are characteristics that are too difficult to compromise with, you are at liberty to end it and move on, whatever those reasons are.

I agree with everything @bitheby, @DinosaurOfFire and @14Tealights said. I am diagnosed autistic and even small changes are difficult. Even things which are positive mean I need extra time to mull things over and adapt to the new plan. It isn’t meant to be hurtful, it’s just how my brain works... I do this even if the change is preferable to the original plan and it doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking of the other person’s needs. It just means my brain is overwhelmed and needs to reboot. If you really care for this guy it might help you to try and learn a little more about how autism presents itself. A relationship with someone autistic isn’t for everyone so it would help you to figure out if your relationship has a future

I am very similar to this but I think mine relates to anxiety, as changing plans really triggers my anxiety. Weirdly DP is a really “whatever” kind of person who rarely makes a proper plan for anything. He won’t chAnge his behaviour so if you can’t cope with him thinking about things when plans change and generally stick to whatever plan has been made then I can’t see the relationship working long term.