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Original poster

Birthday presents - Would you be a bit miffed about this, or am I being petty?

67 replies

Wisteriabloom · 26/05/2021 22:39

I've been friends with Emily (not her real name!), for years. We see a lot of each other and get on really well.

We've always bought birthday presents for each other, but she never thanks me properly for them! It seems to happen that we get together in the week leading up to her birthday, and I'll take her (wrapped) present with me. She'll say something like 'Ooh thank you so much, I'll save that to open on Sunday!' (or whenever her birthday is). Then she never mentions it again! I'll always send a follow-up text after my birthday, 'Thank you so much for my (whatever), I love it, etc'. But she never does.

I felt a bit miffed about her birthday last week. I called round with her present (on the off-chance she'd be in). She wasn't, she was out for a family meal, but no problem, I left her gift bag by her front door (covered over), texted Happy Birthday, and said it was there.

She replied next morning, 'Thank you for my gift bag, it was outside my door when I got back, are you still coming on Friday? x'

This was a meet-up for birthday drinks with a few other friends too. I went along, had a lovely time, but she didn't mention her present!

Tbh if I just wrapped up a random box of chocs I happened to have in the house I wouldn't mind, but I always put thought into presents for people, and had gone shopping especially to get this, (a lovely scented candle and set of mini gin & tonics with a glass).

She may think she's thanked me (by saying she's received it) but she hasn't really, surely? She buys me equally nice presents, so it's not as if she doesn't 'do birthdays'!

OP posts:
Footloosefancyfree · 26/05/2021 22:40
Hmm
CassandraTrotter · 26/05/2021 22:43

She said thank you. Do you want a medal?

WimpoleHat · 26/05/2021 22:43

I can see where you’re coming from - you never quite get to know if she’s liked the gift and it would be more polite to thank you when she had opened it as well as when she’d received it. That said - she did thank you when you gave it to her, so she hasn’t been rude. I’d just put it down to different styles and not think too much about it, I think.

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burnoutbabe · 26/05/2021 22:44

Nah that's odd, you'd surely thank them once opened so they know you didn't forget it/ liked the actual thing.

ServeTheServants · 26/05/2021 22:44

I think some people find it awkward. I wouldn’t overthink it. She definitely appreciates you and cares for you from what I can glean.

CassandraTrotter · 26/05/2021 22:45

She replied next morning, 'Thank you for my gift bag, it was outside my door when I got back, are you still coming on Friday? x' ... She may think she's thanked me (by saying she's received it) but she hasn't really, surely?

I mean. This. Wtf.

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2021 22:47

Meh. I mean yeah - a proper thank you for the thought put into it is nice. But also it’s not worth getting upset about. Just ask her - ‘Did you like your present?’ if you really, really need the validation. (But also maybe be prepared that your gifts aren’t her thing?)

Sarahsteedman · 26/05/2021 22:53

She said thankyou so can't see the issue? What more do you expect? Flowers? A huge second thankyou the next time you meet?

DappledThings · 26/05/2021 23:02

I hate birthday presents and do anything I can to avoid them. I find it excruciating to acknowledge them so if you wer buying me things I would thank you in the non-specific way she has whilst desperately hoping you would get the hint that my not effusively thanking you meant I'd really rather not get anything.

She buys me equally nice presents, so it's not as if she doesn't 'do birthdays
I feel obliged to buy presents for people who buy them for me and I put time and effort into them. Doesn't mean that I want them back or that I want to "do" birthdays, I just feel I have to.

So it could be something like that. Or she might just be a bit rude. Hard to know!

LilyPond2 · 26/05/2021 23:04

I think your friend's behaviour is slightly odd, but if she's a good friend in other ways it's not worth getting worked up about.

imsureineverdo · 26/05/2021 23:07

You’re being petty. She’s said thank you, what do you want, a song and dance?

Slimmingstar · 26/05/2021 23:07

Hmmmm........ I’d be grateful for any gift, but a candle and gin is a fairly generic/uninspired gift and doesn’t scream you’ve gone out of your way specially for her.
She does thank you.

Original poster
Wisteriabloom · 27/05/2021 09:19

I can see there are mixed views here, (yes, she DOES thank me for the gesture of buying her a present, (but not actually for what is IN the present), that's what I find strange.

It wasn't just any candle btw, it was a large Yankee Candle, (Sicilian Lemon) in a nice jar!

I think we have different styles of communicating - she feels she's 'covered' thanking me by acknowledging receipt, but I'm left feeling there's something missing!

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/05/2021 09:34

I think verbalising gratitude is more important to you than her. Which doesn't mean she isn't grateful.
I'm sure she's loves your gifts, but just doesn't feel the need to keep saying thank you.

So it's not about you or the gift. It's how she is, she probably wouldn't dream you are hurt by lack of reassuring about the gifts you give.
You can't expect people to have the same level of sensitivity as your own.

DappledThings · 27/05/2021 09:36

I can see there are mixed views here, (yes, she DOES thank me for the gesture of buying her a present, (but not actually for what is IN the present), that's what I find strange.

Yeah, that's exactly what I would do to cover myself for meeting the social requirement of thanking you for something I didn't want but managing my own massive awkwardness about it by not being specific. There's a good chance I woujld not actually have opened it because I hate presents so would have thanked you for "it" then hidden it away to not have to deal with it and pretend it never happened.

She probably isn't as insane as me but it's a possibility!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/05/2021 09:36

and btw Sicilian Lemon is awesome!
I currently have it in my nook!

C152 · 27/05/2021 10:01

I think you're right when you say you simply have different styles of communicating. I think she HAS thanked you. You hand her the gift, she says thank you, that's it. I wouldn't expect to have to thank someone multiple times for the same gift. If I write a thank you card, I do write, 'thanks for lovely scarf', for example, but in person I might just say thank you for my birthday present. I think you just need to accept that your friend is different.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/05/2021 10:04

Maybe she resents the obligation you are putting her under by exchanging presents. She thanks you because that's the polite thing to do. No-one is allowed to be honest about their feelings and thus, the cycle continues.

You may think you're doing a nice thing by giving her a gift but to her you're giving her something that she might not like, need or want, but now feels obliged to thank you for, use and display in her home even if it's not to her taste and she doesn't want 'stuff' cluttering the place up. She also is obliged to return the favour, so you're imposing on her how she has to spend some of her disposable income.

Maybe she wishes it all went away and she wouldn't have to pretend to like something she doesn't want and she wouldn't have another task on her to do list of finding a present for you in return.

Mumdiva99 · 27/05/2021 10:05

Or....you could give it to her after her birthday when you see her so she can open it there and then.....then she can open it and thank you immediately. (Don't leave the bag on the doorstep).

Somersetlady · 27/05/2021 10:07

If you were my friend I would far rather you bought me nothing and removed this anguish from your life!Smile

I am more than happy to supply my own gin and tonic or a candle and could not get over excited about your gifts but I would thank you.

Maybe stop buying if the giving of the gift is not enough for you?

OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 27/05/2021 10:07

I totally see where you're coming from, but I'd forget about it. How chatty is she by text usually? Different ppl use text messaging in totally different ways. I chat on it like I would out loud, some use it just for practicalities and are very brief. Just sounds like you have different styles.

Spied · 27/05/2021 10:13

It's a bit rude imo.
Had i received your gifts I'd have replied along the lines of " Thank you, the candle smells amazing...I'll light it tonight when I'm drinking my G&T. Cheers".
But maybe I'm overly gratefulHmm

AlmostSummer21 · 27/05/2021 10:14

I understand you completely. She's thanked you for the thought of getting her a gift' it's polite to thank people when you've opened the gift. A quick text takes seconds!

Totallyrandomname · 27/05/2021 10:17

I think I’m an Emily. I’d always say thank you when given the gift but I’m not sending thank you notes/text individually to everyone who gave me a gift referencing their specific gift and why it was so good.

She’s probably unaware it’s an issue. I would expect more than a thanks when I have someone a gift. Not unless it was something proper over and above.

Totallyrandomname · 27/05/2021 10:19

Isn’t this kind of counter to the point of giving a gift too. Are you giving a gift purely to be kind to the receiver or because you want positive feedback for having given the gift?