Birthday presents - Would you be a bit miffed about this, or am I being petty?

[Wisteriabloom]

I've been friends with Emily (not her real name!), for years. We see a lot of each other and get on really well.

We've always bought birthday presents for each other, but she never thanks me properly for them! It seems to happen that we get together in the week leading up to her birthday, and I'll take her (wrapped) present with me. She'll say something like 'Ooh thank you so much, I'll save that to open on Sunday!' (or whenever her birthday is). Then she never mentions it again! I'll always send a follow-up text after my birthday, 'Thank you so much for my (whatever), I love it, etc'. But she never does.

I felt a bit miffed about her birthday last week. I called round with her present (on the off-chance she'd be in). She wasn't, she was out for a family meal, but no problem, I left her gift bag by her front door (covered over), texted Happy Birthday, and said it was there.

She replied next morning, 'Thank you for my gift bag, it was outside my door when I got back, are you still coming on Friday? x'

This was a meet-up for birthday drinks with a few other friends too. I went along, had a lovely time, but she didn't mention her present!

Tbh if I just wrapped up a random box of chocs I happened to have in the house I wouldn't mind, but I always put thought into presents for people, and had gone shopping especially to get this, (a lovely scented candle and set of mini gin & tonics with a glass).

She may think she's thanked me (by saying she's received it) but she hasn't really, surely? She buys me equally nice presents, so it's not as if she doesn't 'do birthdays'!

A friend once told me she used to pick out thoughtful presents for a close friend of hers. She might see her wearing a leopard print scarf and buy her something leopard print for example. Presents appeared to be well received over the years.

Until the time she stayed at her mates house and noticed ALL her presents from over the years piled up in the wardrobe, unused! She didn't say anything.

Your post made me think of this for some reason!

I take your point OP but I couldn't get worked up over it. It strikes me as a bit contrived anyway to send a scripted 'thanks for my yankee candle and miniature gins' or whatever each time. They're the types of messages I get from my young DNiece and Nephew (when their parents blatantly make them do it because they think it's good manners). You know what you gave her, I can't see the difference hearing it repeated back upon receipt would really offer, she acknowledged receipt with a thanks.

Only other possibility is that you may like what you got her but she doesn't. In that instance I'd say "thanks for the parcel, it's just arrived, so nice of you" etc. If I actually loved it I'd probably be more specific about what it was and how I'm going to use it but I'm not prepared to pretend or contrive scenarios for other adults in this context. I'd not want to encourage them to waste money again on similar either, that seems a shame when I primarily value their effort and do appreciate the cost regardless of liking it.

@problembottom

A friend once told me she used to pick out thoughtful presents for a close friend of hers. She might see her wearing a leopard print scarf and buy her something leopard print for example. Presents appeared to be well received over the years.

Until the time she stayed at her mates house and noticed ALL her presents from over the years piled up in the wardrobe, unused! She didn't say anything.

Your post made me think of this for some reason!

a friend of mine used to get me bracelets as gifts. I never knew why, because I never wore any so I don't know why she thought I'd want more and more each year. I'd thank her but was always puzzled.

then one while with a bunch of friends, including her, I happened to say (without thinking 🙈) that I never wear bracelets, that whenever I try again they bother me: they get in the way, catch on door handles, give me bruises. I hate them.

she went: " oh shit. I thought you just didn't have any and I kept on buying them for you because I thought you kept on losing or breaking them so tried to make sure you had one at least"

awwww.
but it's not like I could have been honest and say "umm, thanks for the bracelet but I'll never it, because I hate wearing bracelets?"

That actually taught me to never assume what people might like or want based on limited observations & potentially false reasoning. it's such a minefield. and not just with gifts.

That actually taught me to never assume what people might like or want based on limited observations & potentially false reasoning. it's such a minefield. and not just with gifts

Exactly. If someone doesn't have something, it could well be because they don't want it. If someone already does have something, they probably don't want a different, second or upgraded one.

Most of us can buy whatever we want for ourselves whenever we want, within reason. And if we can't, that's all the reason not to get into a cycle of gift giving with other adults, the result of which is that we are spending money we may not have on stuff that we don't really want or need.

This is one of the reasons why I ask people never to buy me gifts.

I used to think gifts were a nice gesture for the person getting them.
I've now come round the idea that (children and the people who are genuinely thrilled to get anything excepted) gift giving is more about the giver.

It's not good enough for OP that her friend has said thanks for the gift, she also has to gush about how lovely it was. Even if she didn't think so.

@BarbaraofSeville

a family member knew I was doing Weight Watchers. she tried to convince me to try something else, despite me saying several times that I don't want to, WW was working for me just fine.
she stopped nagging me but then for my birthday she gave me a book with the commentary "this is the book I was talking about. just read it"
wtaf? who does that?

and it didn't end there. a year later she gave me another copy of the same book.
🤣

I think presents from friends are lovely and it’s nice that they remember but I’m happier when they stick to a token gesture like a bottle of Prosecco (even a mini one) or box of chocs or small bunch of flowers etc.

It can be a bit awkward when they’ve obviously spent a lot of time thinking about what to buy but it’s not really what you want or need. I hate wasting things so tend to stick to “safe” presents for friends too.

I would text a thank you, but am not a gushy person naturally so this may be what people think about me!

My mil tends to like over the top thank you’s which can get really uncomfortable for me. Opening the present and saying thank you, that’s lovely is not enough. They tend to jump up and hug/kiss which is not in my nature, or at the very least expect you to thank them gushingly about 3 times. If I don’t she will ask if I like it! She buys lovely presents too and I am grateful, it’s just not in my nature to gush, it feels like I’m acting!

My friend does gushy thank yous on Facebook, but I find that a bit cringey! I suppose we are all different!

@problembottom

A friend once told me she used to pick out thoughtful presents for a close friend of hers. She might see her wearing a leopard print scarf and buy her something leopard print for example. Presents appeared to be well received over the years.

Until the time she stayed at her mates house and noticed ALL her presents from over the years piled up in the wardrobe, unused! She didn't say anything.

Your post made me think of this for some reason!

I’m afraid I’m guilty of this and will often recycle some gifts to others!

Just need to remember who gave you it in the first place to avoid any embarrassment!

Sometimes it is a cultural thing. I have a Hispanic friend like this. I gave her a whole box of good quality school uniform for her kids (she's a single mum of 3). She said "cheers" as we put the box in her car, but she never thanked me afterwards, and I have no idea whether the kids ever liked them/wore them. She's still my friend, and it would have been nice to have a more heartfelt thank you when she'd gone through the items, but there's no point overthinking it. Some people appreciate thank yous more than others.....

Candles and those mini drink sets are the things I buy for the class teacher or a female friend when I know they drink, but dont know anything else about them. That's not a "I put a lot of thought in and deserve paragraphs of praise" gift.

She said thanks. It's done.

And stop buy yankee candle. Horrible wax. Get some nice soy wax candles.

She’s already said thank you, I’m not sure why you also expect a review of the gift.

@MackenCheese

Sometimes it is a cultural thing. I have a Hispanic friend like this. I gave her a whole box of good quality school uniform for her kids (she's a single mum of 3). She said "cheers" as we put the box in her car, but she never thanked me afterwards, and I have no idea whether the kids ever liked them/wore them. She's still my friend, and it would have been nice to have a more heartfelt thank you when she'd gone through the items, but there's no point overthinking it. Some people appreciate thank yous more than others.....

I relate to this. I Hungary if you have seen the person in connection with your birthday (or Christmas or wedding or whatever) you say thanks face to face. if they sent you a gift you usually call them to say thanks or just thank them next time you meet. thank you cards were alien to me when I came to England. definitely a cultural thing.

It does make me chuckle that the gift was a candle. Like unless she’s a candle collector and you bought her a specific candle she needed for her collection for a long time ....then a candle is just a generic, nothing special, gift. Candles are what I buy someone if I forgot and need to grab something quick or just dunno what to get.

A scented candle and mini booze are stuff that gets bought when there's a sale on and put in "the present box" for forgotten birthdays in our house. So not something that has taken a heap of thought. Maybe in her house too.

This candle sounds like hard work too. You basically have to leave it burning for hours so you get the most out of it, so you can only use it when you can keep an eye on it in case it decides to burn the house down.

I've never understood the obsession with candles, never bought one for myself and thankfully, no-one has ever given me one as a present.

It just seems like a useless 'here's something totally pointless because I wanted to spend some money, now please set fire to it' item. Surely if we truely cared about the environment, decorative candles just wouldn't exist?

@BarbaraofSeville

it's not hard work at all.
the large jar can be used for a total of 110-150 hours, my tip was to help get the maximum usage out of one.

if people didn't want to have candles that last they wouldn't buy them.
not sure what your issue is.

I've never thought of Yankee candles as hard work, big or small!😲 I see them as a treat! I was actually given a small Sicilian Lemon one for Easter and it smelt so gorgeous I bought a large one for this friend!

I can see that candles aren't popular with some of you though, we're all different! To the poster who asked what my friend is like with texting etc, I admit she's quite 'straight to the point', no smiley faces/love hearts etc, so I suppose that's a clue as to why she's so 'matter-of-fact' about presents!