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Original poster

Birthday presents - Would you be a bit miffed about this, or am I being petty?

67 replies

Wisteriabloom · 26/05/2021 22:39

I've been friends with Emily (not her real name!), for years. We see a lot of each other and get on really well.

We've always bought birthday presents for each other, but she never thanks me properly for them! It seems to happen that we get together in the week leading up to her birthday, and I'll take her (wrapped) present with me. She'll say something like 'Ooh thank you so much, I'll save that to open on Sunday!' (or whenever her birthday is). Then she never mentions it again! I'll always send a follow-up text after my birthday, 'Thank you so much for my (whatever), I love it, etc'. But she never does.

I felt a bit miffed about her birthday last week. I called round with her present (on the off-chance she'd be in). She wasn't, she was out for a family meal, but no problem, I left her gift bag by her front door (covered over), texted Happy Birthday, and said it was there.

She replied next morning, 'Thank you for my gift bag, it was outside my door when I got back, are you still coming on Friday? x'

This was a meet-up for birthday drinks with a few other friends too. I went along, had a lovely time, but she didn't mention her present!

Tbh if I just wrapped up a random box of chocs I happened to have in the house I wouldn't mind, but I always put thought into presents for people, and had gone shopping especially to get this, (a lovely scented candle and set of mini gin & tonics with a glass).

She may think she's thanked me (by saying she's received it) but she hasn't really, surely? She buys me equally nice presents, so it's not as if she doesn't 'do birthdays'!

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 27/05/2021 10:24

@Totallyrandomname

Isn’t this kind of counter to the point of giving a gift too. Are you giving a gift purely to be kind to the receiver or because you want positive feedback for having given the gift?

That's a good point about the desire for feedback. I've often thought gifts were more about the giver than the recipient, but that it was about taking advantage of a shopping opportunity, but it could well be a neediness for having praise heaped on the giver for the 'lovely thoughtful carefully chosen' gift, hence her disappointment about the recipient not being sufficiently thankful in her eyes.

bookworm20 · 27/05/2021 10:24

I can see where you are coming from. If someone handed me a gift before my birthday I would say thank you. Then after opening it, I would most definitely send at the very least a quick text thanking them for the lovely gift and saying how much I liked it (even if I hated it). Surely thats just basic manners?

VanceRefridgeration · 27/05/2021 10:24

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

and btw Sicilian Lemon is awesome! I currently have it in my nook!

Not to derail the thread but this made me spit out my drink 😆

"Nook" is slang for something else here

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations

Totallyrandomname · 27/05/2021 10:26

Bet the nook smells nice now

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 27/05/2021 10:33

@bookworm20

I feel this way, too. It may be a throwback to thank you cards that I was made to write as a child - and encourage my children to write now. She acknowledges receipt of a gift, but then doesn't actually say thank you for what you've given her. As an habitual thing, I do think it's a bit weird.

But! You either bring it up with her or you have to accept and deal with it. Think I would be inclined to have a little follow up, "I hope you liked the candle!" but that's because I know I'm needy for reassurance and my friends are similar!

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 27/05/2021 11:09

DappledThings - I find that really hard to understand! Why do you hate acknowledging gifts so much? I can't imagine not even opening something, what about the person who'd possibly made a trip into town specifically to buy you something (put thought and money into it), only for it to be ignored, or possibly not even opened! 😲

OP posts:

Bluesheep8 · 27/05/2021 11:11

She is thanking you for the gift when it's wrapped though isn't she? So it's not as though she doesn't understand the importance of saying thank you.
Maybe she doesn't actually like/want/need the present and isn't the sort of person to pretend that she does?

Totallyrandomname · 27/05/2021 11:12

Maybe this is one of those ‘love languages’ type things?

I’m really not bothered by giving or receiving gifts. I’d rather buy myself what I want/need. I’d rather someone show me there care in other ways. However other people, like my parents, get a lot from receiving and getting gifts.

Maybe she’s just not someone who see that much value in gifts and so doesn’t see the need for the big thank you, but shows her affecting/love in other ways. Like does she keep in contact when something difficult is happening in your life etc?

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 27/05/2021 11:12

So she has actually thanked you every single time? But you don’t feel it’s enough? Do you want her to grovel?

Worriesome · 27/05/2021 11:14

@Wisteriabloom yeah it is a bit strange, I always acknowledge the gift itself especially when I can see someone has put thought into it and got me something that is so me.

It is a bit weird that she’s never mentioned the gift itself x

DappledThings · 27/05/2021 11:15

@Wisteriabloom

I hate receiving presents at all, in any circumstances. I have managed to get to a point where my birthday goes unacknowledged by everyone but I had to be really direct about it after a years of politely saying I didn't want anything and being ignored.

The whole process just makes me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious and sad. Knowing that someone has gone to effort makes it even worse because it is so unwanted.

So having to acknowledge a present, which is the polite thing to do, just makes me have to face the fact that I've had a present at all. The quickest and easiest way of me being able to move on is to thank the person in the briefest and least specific way so that would be thanking them for "it" and not specifically whatever it is. I've sometimes hidden presents away without opening them to pretend I haven't received it so I wouldn't be able to acknowledge exactly what it is in a timely way.

But like I say, it's unlikely your friend is any way as much of a weirdo as me. But it is possible she feels something along those lines.

Worriesome · 27/05/2021 11:16

@Mydarlingmyhamburger I don’t think OP wants her to grovel and I’m sure u know that too. It’s just odd never to acknowledge the gift once you’ve opened it and only to say thanks on receiving. I’ve had presents given to me earlier than my birthday and then saved them to open on the actual day and o always send out a little message thanking the person and saying how nice “xyz” was

Original poster

Wisteriabloom · 27/05/2021 11:24

Exactly, Worriesome, thank you! Yes, I don't expect her to 'grovel' at all! I don't grovel, I wouldn't thank someone more than once, but thanking someone on receipt of a wrapped gift, isn't the same as thanking someone once you know what's IN it!!

OP posts:

Sally872 · 27/05/2021 11:28

She may feel she is thankful and grateful for the gift and the thought no matter what it is. Second thank you seems unnecessary to her.

I would mention again next time I spoke to the person if I remembered but unlikely to send additional text.

ElevenSmiles · 27/05/2021 11:34

If you're that bothered just ask...she's not going to say no it was shit is she ?

shumway · 27/05/2021 11:38

I'd be miffed too.

JustJoinedRightNow · 27/05/2021 11:40

@Spied

It's a bit rude imo. Had i received your gifts I'd have replied along the lines of " Thank you, the candle smells amazing...I'll light it tonight when I'm drinking my G&T. Cheers". But maybe I'm overly grateful

This is what I would have done too.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/05/2021 11:43

@Wisteriabloom

I think what we are discovering here that it isn't the same thing for some, but it is the same for others.

I think your point OP is that to you the "thanks, got parcel/bag" means acknowledgement of delivery, but "thanks for the lovely scarf" is acknowledgement of the giftee actually being happy & liking the gift.
you need the reassurance of both steps.
not because you want her endlessly thanking you. but because it gives you some sort of closure, you can tick it as job done in your mind.

is that correct?

YellowScallion · 27/05/2021 11:45

Maybe she doesn't like what's in it?

Bluesheep8 · 27/05/2021 11:47

but thanking someone on receipt of a wrapped gift, isn't the same as thanking someone once you know what's IN it!!

This was my point upthread - I'm wondering if she doesn't actually like the gift and isn't the sort to pretend she does. She might see it that she's thanking you for 'the thought' when It's wrapped iyswim.
I'll admit, it's alien to me as I will thank the person both times, just trying to make a suggestion as to why.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/05/2021 11:47

@YellowScallion

Maybe she doesn't like what's in it?

that's impossible. 🤣 that candle is amazing

M0rT · 27/05/2021 11:50

Is it possible she doesn't really like candles or random glasses and so doesn't want to thank you for the specific present so as not to encourage a repeat?
I hate getting large Yankee Candles, they smell nice but create work because the wick always burns out before the candle so I have to melt and re-set in a smaller jar with a wick.

minipie · 27/05/2021 11:51

(yes, she DOES thank me for the gesture of buying her a present, (but not actually for what is IN the present), that's what I find strange.

As a few PP have suggested, maybe she doesn’t actually like the present and this is her way of saying thank you without having to lie.

that's impossible. 🤣
that candle is amazing

But does the friend actually like scented candles? Not everyone does —I don’t—. And I like gin & tonic but wouldn’t want a miniature set, at all. Not trying to be rude OP but often people who think they give amazing gifts aren’t as great at it as they think.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/05/2021 12:05

@M0rT

Is it possible she doesn't really like candles or random glasses and so doesn't want to thank you for the specific present so as not to encourage a repeat? I hate getting large Yankee Candles, they smell nice but create work because the wick always burns out before the candle so I have to melt and re-set in a smaller jar with a wick.

candle burning tip: always let candles burn long enough so the wax pool reaches the sides of the container ie the whole diameter of the candle. do this every time you light a candle. for the large Yankee Jars you need 4 hours to achieve a full wax pool.

an insufficient wax pool causes tunneling and that greatly reduces the amount of burning hours you can get out of a candle!

here's mine, see how there's hardly any residue on the glass because of even & consistent burn.
(and can't believe I'm bragging about this!🤣🤣)

Birthday presents - Would you be a bit miffed about this, or am I being petty?

NeedNewKnees · 27/05/2021 12:16

You're being a bit petty. She's not the type to gush over presents but she does acknowledge them at the time she receives them. She's not rude, she just approaches her Thanks Yous differently to you.

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