Husband’s reaction to my night terrors

[Mathshelpme]

I’ve suffered night terrors for quite some time. Never bothered me as I generally don’t really have a nightmare as such and whilst I wake screaming, it’s over before I realise and I’m able to simply go back to sleep.

DH on the other hand gets very distressed by my night terrors (we’ve had the police called out before and hotel security on holiday) and he reacts poorly when I have an attack. He is startled and rarely gets back to sleep afterwards.

I’d say I have them sometimes once a week, but then I might go a few months without one. No idea what causes them, but I think it’s stress related. I’ve never been to the GP about them, as it’s quite embarrassing and I’m not sure they’d do anything for it.

Anyway, DH is usually an affectionate, lovely, kind man. Never had any issues with him at all. He’s laid back and very caring. But last night I had quite a severe night terror and woke up to DH holding his hand over my mouth and trying to silence me. He was clearly panicking, but awaking to someone’s hand over your mouth is not the greatest feeling. I tried to explain to him, and he did apologise, but said that the screaming was so loud he was scared of wake the street and he didn’t know how to stop it.

So, I’m feeling pretty cross and wonder which of us is being unreasonable. If you have any advice about: night terrors in general or how my husband can better manage the situation, I’d be grateful.

Thank you

See the GP.

You may be fine, I had an ex who did this and it was utterly terrifying for me. Often I couldn't wake him up, and it really was a case of trying to restrain him until it was over.

There was also the fact he risked injuring himself and me- i would often be hit by flailing limbs, and he has woken up with a telephone cord/sheet round his neck before.

You both need help on how to manage them.

You're being unreasonable not seeing a GP. Whilst I understand it wasn't nice what he did, I can understand how he reacted that way in a panic (so long as you could breathe!) It sounds really distressing for him, but it doesn't affect you so he should just put up and shut up? I would struggle to sleep as I'd be terrified of it happening, can't you put yourself in his shoes and imagine what it's like being woken up distressingly like that, it happening on a weekly basis with no idea when it'll next happen and the other person seemingly completely unsympathetic. You need to get seen, and you need to be more understanding of what it's like for the other person.

Find a counsellor who can unpick with you what the source of the night terrors is. You can't go on like this, your husband was panicking and endangered you in his panic.

He could have suffocated you with enough pressure had he covered your nose too in his panic.

I sometimes get night terrors too. My husband wakes me up by holding me in a cuddle and repeatedly talking in my ear until I calm. Things like “it's alright, I'm here, nothing bad” over and over again etc like I'm a scared toddler.

Please seek help.

Someone else's night terror is terrifying. It's also lonely. Go to the GP. It's not your fault of course but it is if you won't try anything.

You're being very mean to your husband by refusing to do anything about this. I appreciate you're the one dealing with the nightmares, but your scaring the shit out of him and its bringing the police etc to your door!

Maybe sleep elsewhere for a few nights and give the poor bugger some rest - he must be exhausted by being woken like this all the time and unable to go back to sleep.

YABU my husband suffers from really bad terrors but only about 3/4 times a year. It’s really frightening and i can’t wake him from it too easily.

He has sought treatment and now it’s not as severe, you need to do something as it’s effecting your DHs life very negatively!

I feel really sorry for your DH. You seem to be incredibly dismissive of how it will be for him.

Going to bed, not knowing if he’s going to be woken by screaming, flailing etc must make it hard to get to sleep and then when it happens, it must be hard to calm down afterwards. All that broken sleep!

Horrendous.

@Mixitupalot

YABU my husband suffers from really bad terrors but only about 3/4 times a year. It’s really frightening and i can’t wake him from it too easily.

He has sought treatment and now it’s not as severe, you need to do something as it’s effecting your DHs life very negatively!

Ok, general consensus is that I’m being unfair so I will book to see the GP.

Can I ask how they treated your husband?

You need to see your GP and he needs to not ever EVER hold his hand over your mouth to silence you.

You need to get proper treatment now. It's honestly pretty selfish not to.

At the same time this ->"holding his hand over my mouth and trying to silence me."
is fucking crazy behaviour too.
I would not be happy with this at all

* You're being very mean to your husband by refusing to do anything about this.*

^This.

I'm sorry to pile on here op but you need to look at this from his perspective too. The police have been called. Neighbours will be talking and no amount of you telling them its night terrors Is going to stop them thinking he is abusing you in some way. Awful as that sounds it's likely what people will assume

Agree with others that you need to see GP but you need to tell him never to put his hand over your mouth again. Both my kids have suffered with night terrors (as kids can do) but my daughter used to wake screaming and nothing you did could calm her down. She had a terror when waking from anaesthetic after having grommets and even with me cuddling her she still screamed for about half an hour. The nurses didn’t know what to make of it but she wasn’t awake/aware enough to stop.

It’s you who is being unreasonable by constantly subjecting him to this, knowing the impact but not getting help because it doesn’t bother you,

That’s not ok,

Thank you everyone. I do understand your points. I’ve always tried to laugh off the night terrors, but I guess I’m not really the one dealing with them. DH used to laugh them off, but not any more.

I feel so helpless though because I don’t have them on purpose and can’t control when or how I have them, so I really didn’t appreciate his response...but then clearly I should have seen the GP and taken responsibility for having them, to avoid getting to this point.

I will phone the Gp tomorrow, but I am worried now that they won’t do much anyway.

At the same time this "holding his hand over my mouth and trying to silence me." is fucking crazy behaviour too.

I wouldn't call it crazy, whilst I'm not condoning it, I completely understand how someone could do this in a panic with someone screaming uncontrollably especially after having had the police called before. He's completely powerless, wife hasn't gotten treated, he's being woken like this on weekly basis, fearful of what neighbours are thinking. Hopefully the straw to break the camel's back to get treatment.

I’m glad these responses have made you see this from his perspective because it’s HORRIBLE to witness. Like, disturbing. Poor man

Night terrors are a REM sleep disorder rather than anything that can be unpicked via counselling, as suggested up thread. They're completely different from nightmares.
I wouldn't underestimate how scary it is for the other person. I apparently once sat bolt upright in bed, screaming, then looked at my partner and say, "Where is the knife?"
I also woke up shared households in my twenties by screaming.
As you say, if you're the one having the terror, you only 'come-to' afterwards. During long periods when I lived alone, I suspect I did all sorts but only had the vaguest or no recollection (until I hurt myself).

My advice - do some reading and share with your DP how out of your control this is and you appreciate that it must indeed be distressing to witness.

You could also choose to go to the GP and if appropriate they'll refer you to a sleep disorder centre, which could lead to an overnight sleep study to measure REM/non REM sleep phases. There's no easy fix and the medication I take has side effects. You might choose to do nothing at that point, but the understanding might help your DP deal with it with more empathy. The incidents are only occasional, after all. Good luck!

Well done for taking the replies so well op, my adult child was referred to a sleep clinic when he started having them again (he had them very badly as a child) and he now only appears to get them when he is very unwell. He wasn't medicated .

My partner has these and it's horrifying

Same situation as you. He barely remembers it and goes straight back to sleep leaving me a mess with my heart racing because I've been woken from a dead sleep by a man screaming like a demon.

I've punched him before to wake him up because nothing else would work and I was in a daze from waking up so I can see why your husband would cover your mouth in a complete disoriented panic.

I tried to explain to him, and he did apologise

So, I’m feeling pretty cross and wonder which of us is being unreasonable.

Both of you really OP. It's horrible for both of you and he reacted wrongly, which is understandable given that he'd been shocked out of his sleep. At least he apologised though.

Hope you can get some help for this

@person6743
I can understand it too but Hand over mouth is potentially quite dangerous, particularly if he is panicked. So I would not be happy on that basis.

@OP
Honestly you need to go in with the mindset of "I need to access treatment for this - it's can't continue as is and I need a solution to improve things" rather than "They prob won't do much"

It's a proper problem and it needs addressing. Consider bringing your DP to the appointment if you don't think you can advocate for yourself.

@JackieWeaverFever absolutely, I'm not saying I'd be happy and as I say hopefully the straw to break the camel's back demonstrating they can't carry on as they are. I just mean I wouldn't demonise the husband too much for it because it's not difficult to understand how it happened.

Your husband doesn’t need to manage them - you do.

You need to take responsibility for them and see your GP.

I can’t believe you’ve been trying to laugh them off and just expect him to put up with them. That’s really awful to subject him to that; it doesn’t matter that they’re not intentional.

I can understand it too but Hand over mouth is potentially quite dangerous, particularly if he is panicked. So I would not be happy on that basis

Agreed. But people in the grip on a night terror can be fucking strong, and practically impossible to restrain. Unless you’ve had some sort of training in safe restraint you tend to just hold them down without thinking about the risk- you’re not trying to hurt them, you’re trying to stop them hurting you and themselves. My ex hit his head once so hard on the headboard he broke the solid oak. The only reason i never put my hand on his mouth was because I’d probably have been severely bitten. If I thought it would help though I would have.

Hence why they both need to seek help, so he doesn’t accidentally cause harm trying to wake or restrain her, as well as trying to address the issue of the terrors.