Husband’s reaction to my night terrors

[Mathshelpme]

I’ve suffered night terrors for quite some time. Never bothered me as I generally don’t really have a nightmare as such and whilst I wake screaming, it’s over before I realise and I’m able to simply go back to sleep.

DH on the other hand gets very distressed by my night terrors (we’ve had the police called out before and hotel security on holiday) and he reacts poorly when I have an attack. He is startled and rarely gets back to sleep afterwards.

I’d say I have them sometimes once a week, but then I might go a few months without one. No idea what causes them, but I think it’s stress related. I’ve never been to the GP about them, as it’s quite embarrassing and I’m not sure they’d do anything for it.

Anyway, DH is usually an affectionate, lovely, kind man. Never had any issues with him at all. He’s laid back and very caring. But last night I had quite a severe night terror and woke up to DH holding his hand over my mouth and trying to silence me. He was clearly panicking, but awaking to someone’s hand over your mouth is not the greatest feeling. I tried to explain to him, and he did apologise, but said that the screaming was so loud he was scared of wake the street and he didn’t know how to stop it.

So, I’m feeling pretty cross and wonder which of us is being unreasonable. If you have any advice about: night terrors in general or how my husband can better manage the situation, I’d be grateful.

Thank you

You are. You have been affecting his sleep, the sleep of others and you have even had the police out...but you are too embarrassed to go to the GP? You are treating your husband appaullingly. The man prob has PTSD. You have done nothing to address the situation and then get upset when he tries to do something. It was not the right thing to do - but you have left him to deal with this himself.

I agree with everyone else op. You really do need to seek medical help and probably sleep separately from your husband for a while. It's easy for you and you child to find it amusing but your dp is clearly very distressed and he's the one dealing with it.
It is your responsibility to seek help, not his. I can totally see how he woke in a panic and panicked, if your nose wasn't obstructed you could breathe - obviously not great but he sounds very upset and apologised.

I have night terrors, which I think are caused by stress like yours. Just like you I haven’t been to the GP as I assume there’s nothing they can do.

It’s awful for my husband. I become convinced there are things like snakes in the bed and am so angry he can’t see the snakes. I feel so bad about it, so I really do sympathise with your husband.

This thread has made me realise I should go to the GP!

If you’re genuinely having them weekly that needs investigation, as that’s very unusual.

How would you like being woken up suddenly and loudly? Going to sleep wondering if it will happen again? Having the police called out. Your poor husband! Stop being so selfish and see someone. It's not good he covered your mouth but the poor bloke must be at the end of his tether, exhausted, worried his neighbours think he is a wife beater. He sounds like a very patient man.

It's great you are going to the GP! I personally think noone should criticize your DH for putting his hand over your mouth. He's clearly desperate, shocked & disoriented in those moments, probably goes to sleep stressed & worried about what will happen, & frightened when it does happen, worrying about the kids being scared, the neighbors reacting, the police, etc. Btw the 16 yr old might have developed humor as a coping mechanism. I can't see how being work by screams & crazy stuff in the middle of the might over & over is funny. I think she might just be being very sweet, caring & considerate in having learned to deal with it herself, but it's be great for her if you sought help.

Ps sorry about the typos, trying to do three things at once!

You owe your husband a massive apology for being so unreasonable and neglectful of your own medical issue that you've expected him to deal with.

Honestly, can you not understand how traumatic it would be that the police are called because your wife is screaming so loudly in her sleep? FFS.

I do sympathise, it’s a really awful thing for both of you to have to go through. Dare I say, I think it is actually worse for him having to witness and manage your terrors. It’s really frightening and I say this as someone who experiences them myself.

I’ve injured my partner by scratching his face with my nails as he’s tried to stop me thrashing and flailing - trying to restrain someone having a night terror is dangerous due to the risk of injury to the bystander, so I’d agree that your husband’s way of managing it was misguided. It also only compounds the victim’s confusion and disorientation as they emerge from the terror.

He should get out of bed and stand back, calmly calling your name over and over again until you start to come round. The fight or flight response and autonomic nervous system excitation is immense during a terror so this may take time.

I believe there are medications to try (benzos, SSRI’s) so I honestly would see your GP if your terrors are so regularly they are impacting your life. If they aren’t sure they could seek a neurology opinion. Really hope it all works out - I remember every one I’ve had and it really is upsetting.

@Voomster953

If you’re genuinely having them weekly that needs investigation, as that’s very unusual.

Yes, I don’t remember them all but DH reckons I have about four a month, but they vary in severity. He said that last nights was building up to my worst, which is basically blood curdling screams Some nights I make a ‘wooo, woooo, woooo, wooooo’ sound which isn’t quite so bad but still disruptive for him. I can have periods where I don’t get any night terrors for a while...then periods where I get them frequently and I believe it’s related to stress.

For other posters,
To my knowledge, I’ve never been violent with them or thrashed about.
Mostly, I either sleep through them or wake up feeling perfectly fine, only to fall right back asleep.
I get that my husband’s experience is clearly a lot more distressing.
He is pleased I’m going to the gp and I will accept whatever treatment they deem appropriate.

I don’t think counselling will help as I don’t believe they are caused by trauma or anything. Since a child, I’ve always sleep walked, talked in my sleep and it’s almost always been normal to me I guess.

I take people’s point though, that it isn’t fair on my family and I will sort it. I have talked to and apologised to DH...but I also did suggest a different way of waking me, but showed understanding and didn’t tell him off. We’ve had a nice day and he doesn’t want time to sleep in another room... he said he’d rather me next to him so he can try to wake me, than in another room screaming my head off.

I do regret not seeking help earlier.

I think some posters have been unnecessarily harsh to you OP. It isn’t easy as people think just “getting help” for these things to make them stop. Even healthcare professionals can lack knowledge and understanding about sleep disorders, and there often isn’t any standard evidence based treatment. It’s just the way you’re wired and something you’ll have to manage for the rest of your life. It’s not your fault.

The type of treatment depends on the underlying cause; counselling or CBT for trauma, and medication if it's caused by your existing medication, epilepsy or other neurological reasons, diet and CPAP if linked to sleep apnoea, maybe.
It must be very difficult for your partner and his mental health is at risk too- from interupted sleep and anxiety about upcoming terrors. It must surely be a threat to your relationship too. Definitely get it looked into.

@Tickledtrout

The type of treatment depends on the underlying cause; counselling or CBT for trauma, and medication if it's caused by your existing medication, epilepsy or other neurological reasons, diet and CPAP if linked to sleep apnoea, maybe. It must be very difficult for your partner and his mental health is at risk too- from interupted sleep and anxiety about upcoming terrors. It must surely be a threat to your relationship too. Definitely get it looked into.

Yes I will. It has been lifelong, so I doubt MH. I’m not overweight and I regularly go to the gym, so I don’t think it’s physical. I’m not on other medication either, so I have no idea what they’ll do. But clearly DH has major concerns so I’ll try anything.

@Vursayles

I think some posters have been unnecessarily harsh to you OP. It isn’t easy as people think just “getting help” for these things to make them stop. Even healthcare professionals can lack knowledge and understanding about sleep disorders, and there often isn’t any standard evidence based treatment. It’s just the way you’re wired and something you’ll have to manage for the rest of your life. It’s not your fault.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'm not joking. But do you think moving to a more private house and separate bedrooms would help.

In a detached house you wouldn't have to worry about disturbing neighbours and separate rooms so hes less disturbed overnight. You wouldn't need a lock on the door if you're not wondering/ thrashing around

I think some posters have been unnecessarily harsh to you OP. It isn’t easy as people think just “getting help” for these things to make them stop

I don’t think anyone’s been harsh. O/p has clearly not realised how bad it is for those she lives with, and that needed pointing out so she would seek help.

The night terrors are mainly why my ex is now an ex. They really are awful. Even after we’d split I got a couple of long phone calls at night with him screaming and yelling where he’d hit his phone and it auto-dialled. I had to block in the end.

My DH has night terrors, and I’ve woken up to him hitting me. We now sleep in separate rooms.

My DH has night terrors too. Similar to yours until a very stressful period at work made them worse - then they were frequent and he was thrashing out, hitting me etc. He’s a lifelong sleep walker too.

He finally went to GP and they referred him to a sleep clinic. He stayed overnight all wired up to monitors. Despite having no risk factors he has mild sleep apnoea and they recorded one terror which he had no recollection of having. He’s now on a very low dose medication and no longer is having any terrors.

It has had a massively detrimental effect on our marriage though. It got to the point that I didn’t want to go to bed because it was terrifying being woken up so suddenly as if something terrible was happening. When it got to the point of him hitting me, shaking me, towering over me with a clenched fist, I’d had enough and we are in separate rooms. Even though the meds are working, I still don’t want him in the same bed at night - the fear of being punched awake hasn’t gone. Please don’t let this happen to you.