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Original poster

Husband’s reaction to my night terrors

68 replies

Mathshelpme · 23/05/2021 10:17

I’ve suffered night terrors for quite some time. Never bothered me as I generally don’t really have a nightmare as such and whilst I wake screaming, it’s over before I realise and I’m able to simply go back to sleep.

DH on the other hand gets very distressed by my night terrors (we’ve had the police called out before and hotel security on holiday) and he reacts poorly when I have an attack. He is startled and rarely gets back to sleep afterwards.

I’d say I have them sometimes once a week, but then I might go a few months without one. No idea what causes them, but I think it’s stress related. I’ve never been to the GP about them, as it’s quite embarrassing and I’m not sure they’d do anything for it.

Anyway, DH is usually an affectionate, lovely, kind man. Never had any issues with him at all. He’s laid back and very caring. But last night I had quite a severe night terror and woke up to DH holding his hand over my mouth and trying to silence me. He was clearly panicking, but awaking to someone’s hand over your mouth is not the greatest feeling. I tried to explain to him, and he did apologise, but said that the screaming was so loud he was scared of wake the street and he didn’t know how to stop it.

So, I’m feeling pretty cross and wonder which of us is being unreasonable. If you have any advice about: night terrors in general or how my husband can better manage the situation, I’d be grateful.

Thank you

OP posts:

Dozer · 23/05/2021 11:19

Never, ever OK to put hand over your mouth. That’s much, much worse IMO than your not seeking help with the problem, although agree with PPs that you should do so. Help may be hard to find though: NHS mental health care is v v hard to access.

JorisBonson · 23/05/2021 11:20

Night terrors are frightening. My 30 year old DB had had them all his life and I'm still frightened when he has them.

GoldenOmber · 23/05/2021 11:20

Your husband doesn’t need to manage them - you do.

He needs to not be clamping a hand over her mouth in a panic though! That’s dangerous.

She absolutely needs to get help for this but it’s entirely possible they won’t ever entirely go away, so her husband learning what’s the best way to manage from his perspective is also important. That way he can respond with something better than panic, which would be helpful for both of them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Sleep

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/05/2021 11:24

DP gets them sometimes.

I've been woken by shouting, kicked, pushed, shoved, knelt upon and dragged out of bed more times than I can remember - and slapped once - all when he's asleep. It means I have to stay awake until he's gone to sleep so I can gauge his movements/whether it's likely to happen, have to wake up instantly to remove myself from the area and I've spent too many nights awake on the living room floor for anybody to be expected to tolerate.

It's no laughing matter when you're constantly on guard for being woken up in the most distressing circumstances possible other than being deliberately assaulted.

You need to go and sleep somewhere else so he can feel safe at night. Floor, spare room, sofa - it doesn't matter what, he needs safety away from you - and you need to do something about it before he ends up being arrested, rather than just assumed by the neighbours/hotel staff to be a domestic abuser.

MiaRoma · 23/05/2021 11:33

I don't think your husband was wrong to try tokeep you quiet. I don't know if you have children but imagine how they would feel to be awoken by your screams.

Please get this sorted. Its totally unreasonable to expect others to put up with your screams

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 11:40

It’s just so selfish to continually subject him to this, knowing the impact it has on him, but not dealing with it as it doesn’t bother you and it’s embarrassing to see a doctor, and then to complain he didn’t handle it to your satisfaction..

No it’s not great to be woken with his hand over your mouth. It’s also not great to be repeatedly woken by someone screaming loudly.

GoldenOmber · 23/05/2021 11:47

No it’s not great to be woken with his hand over your mouth. It’s also not great to be repeatedly woken by someone screaming loudly.

But only one of those could be actively dangerous.

I really don’t think it helps to frame this in a “which of them is being more unreasonable?” setup. Yes she should do what she can to get help for this, yes it is horrible he has to deal with this and not his fault and unfair to him that she hasn’t tried to get help so far and etc etc etc, and still he really really can’t be reacting by doing something like that. He can’t. It’s not safe.

person6743 · 23/05/2021 11:48

Was her nose covered too?

GoldenOmber · 23/05/2021 11:51

@person6743

Was her nose covered too?

It was in the dark, when he was panicking, dealing with a flailing screaming strong adult. All it would take to block her nose by accident is having his hand about half a centimetre higher than he thought it was, which would have been so so easy to do.

Original poster

Mathshelpme · 23/05/2021 11:52

@person6743

Was her nose covered too?

Just to answer a few questions, and I am feeling pretty terribly right now:

My nose wasn’t covered, just my mouth.

I do have a sixteen year old who is very used to my night terrors having grown up with them. Luckily the 16 year old finds them hilarious.

I don’t flail or lash out. It’s mainly noise. But obviously yes, it probably does sound scary to neighbours and I can understand why they would be concerned that I am being abused. That’s also DH’s worry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mathshelpme · 23/05/2021 11:54

@GoldenOmber

Yes, it was just my mouth, but actually I breath through my mouth at night. Also, I am concerned that it easy to obstruct the nostrils without realising.

I’ve asked DH to try a different way of waking me up and I’ve promised him I will seek help.

OP posts:

CharlotteRose90 · 23/05/2021 11:56

See the GP. You are being totally unreasonable. I suffer with night terrors and for anyone that’s witnessed them it’s beyond scary seeing it. The first thing you want to happen is them to stop screaming. You need to see the GP or you need to move to another room. So unfair to put your partner through this and not get help.

OrangeSharked · 23/05/2021 12:01

So for years you've been waking your husband up weekly by screaming so loudly that the police have been called at least once? Whg on earth have you left it so long to get help? Completely selfish

Its not acceptable to hold your hand over someone else's mouth but I can see why he did it. What is he supposed to do at this point?

CandyLeBonBon · 23/05/2021 12:02

I'm glad you're seeking help op. It's scary for both of you. I suspect the 16 year old is masking. It will absolutely have been scary for them growing up with this. They may well laugh now but that won't always have been the case and the 'laughing it off' is a way of masking other feelings.

I hope you get some support - for everyone's sake.

LaBellina · 23/05/2021 12:03

Hand over mouth is dangerous. It’s time to tackle this problem seriously. Go to your GP.

Thefamilybusiness · 23/05/2021 12:09

For years your husband has been startled into wakefulness by terrifying screaming from you. He must be exhausted with it. You should have seen the doctor years ago but it's good that you recognise that you need to now.
Imagine being sound asleep and being regularly woken by loud screaming, it must be terrifying and so far you've done nothing to address it. I'd be really cross with you if I were him.
I have nightmares about 4/5 times a year and wake my husband. I'm extremely apologetic after not mad with him.

supersop60 · 23/05/2021 12:11

Op - I will be interested to see what your doctor says.
I get occasional night terrors and wake up with a single loud yelp, rather than a scream. But it wakes DP up with a start, then his heart is pounding.
I can remember the 'dream' however, and it's always as if I wake up and someone is standing over me.
Since Covid, we have been sleeping in separate rooms, just in case of infection, and I have slept like a baby!

Chickychickydodah · 23/05/2021 12:20

While I sympathise with you I feel so sorry for your dh. You need to get help for this.
Loosing sleep constantly is not good for anyone ...

Novelusername · 23/05/2021 12:29

Whilst I'm sympathetic that you experience this, I wouldn't even consider being with a partner who woke me up with their screaming once a week, I'd find it incredibly distressing. He shouldn't have held his hand over your mouth, but in being woken up to screaming I don't know what my reaction would be. You need to take some responsibility for this, get help.

GalaxyGirl24 · 23/05/2021 12:30

He shouldn't have held his hand over your mouth, that would be frightening to wake to. HOWEVER, my sister used to have night terrors when we were young (shared a room) and would scream and grab my neck. To this day I can't have anyone touch my neck! Creeps me out.

If my DH ever has a nightmare it really freaks me out (watched too many horror films) so I can emphasise with your DH and you do need to see if you can get help with this!

Justilou1 · 23/05/2021 12:34

My DH can’t help snoring... BUT he didn’t enjoy me sleeping on the couch, either. He didn’t want a cpap machine and we ended up in marriage guidance counselling with me reading him the United Nations policy on sleep deprivation as a form of torture. I had recordings and I had competitive decibel equivalents, including banned Fisher-Price toys and planes taking off (I am not making this up.) 17 years of that next to my head. Also, I am a sufferer of night terrors, and you need to deal with them, too.

Justilou1 · 23/05/2021 12:34

WAS a fellow sufferer, that is.... (meds! I am on meds!!!)

HappyHappyHippocampus · 23/05/2021 12:37

@Bluntness100

No it’s not great to be woken with his hand over your mouth. It’s also not great to be repeatedly woken by someone screaming loudly.

This.

Your issue must be really affecting him negatively. He must always be on edge wondering if he’ll get a full nights sleep or what you’re going to subject him to next (police in the middle of the night/neighbours knocking/having to restrain you) and I can totally see how over time he’d reach breaking point. It’s bad enough when one person snores and won’t get help let alone full on night terrors.

HappyHappyHippocampus · 23/05/2021 12:39

[quote Mathshelpme]@GoldenOmber

Yes, it was just my mouth, but actually I breath through my mouth at night. Also, I am concerned that it easy to obstruct the nostrils without realising.

I’ve asked DH to try a different way of waking me up and I’ve promised him I will seek help.[/quote]
No, no, no. This is NOT his responsibility. You need to sleep in a different room whilst you get help.

gamerchick · 23/05/2021 12:41

Sounds like you need seperate bedrooms. Poor bugger.

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