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Original poster

Am I unreasonable or not over this- posted here cos it’s a tricky situation

58 replies

Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:06

My mother offered to loan me money for a deposit for a house before Covid hit. I found what I wanted and was waiting for them to be fully completed with building before going ahead. Obviously Covid has delayed things considerably but for various reasons that will be giving too much info away there is no other way I’d be able to move to a 3 bed which is what we need.
My brother is going through a very messy relationship breakdown with children involved and she told me last night that she has decided to let him have the money for his court costs instead and will no longer do it. She discussed it with other family members before ‘informing me’ of her decision.
Want some perspective- am I right to be really upset or should I just shut up and put up with it as it is her money her choice....
Please be kind as I’m feeling a bit delicate over it- hence no posting in Aibu.

OP posts:
ImitationofBeing · 18/05/2021 11:10

You are not unreasonable to be upset - your massive happy future plans have changed. And that was the risk of it being her money. You cannot decide how it should be spent. She is probably thinking of her grandchildren and perhaps she discussed first with others to check if her instincts were right.

topwings · 18/05/2021 11:10

Surely the fairest thing would be for your mum to split the money between the two of you? Why is she choosing all or nothing?

HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2021 11:12

am I right to be really upset or should I just shut up and put up with it as it is her money her choice

I don’t think this is an ‘either or’, I think both these things are true.

I’m sorry - you must be gutted, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it 💐

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:13

No idea why. Thought we had a better relationship than that. She is now saying she won’t message or phone me as she seems to be somehow blaming me for feeling like this..

OP posts:
Pompom2367 · 18/05/2021 11:13

Could she half the money op

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:15

Also for the sake of not drip feeding she was coming to a caravan I’ve hired with me over half term and is now saying she won’t come...

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 18/05/2021 11:15

YANBU but presumably the court costs have to be paid, and there is a custody issue?

How much are we talking about?

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:16

Saying she won’t half it

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 18/05/2021 11:17

Your mother is so very unfair.
Why the heck could you have not been the FIRST person she spoke to.
She should have told you that DB was going to court and needed help ASAP and would lose his children.
Instead she won't accept the blame.

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:18

Enough for the smallest amount of deposit you can pay on a house. Understand about costs but it’s more the reaction to me being absolutely gutted and very annoyed that’s getting to me. I thought we had a better relationship than this

OP posts:
Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:19

I wish she had spoken to me first too

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 18/05/2021 11:23

Even though it is her money, you're definitely not Unreasonable to be hurt by her decision. Is council / HA an option for you?

niceupthedance · 18/05/2021 11:25

Sounds like you lost your shit at her. Did you? That might have been a bit UR

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:26

No unfortunately not- have tried them but due to various reasons there isn’t anything suitable...

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2021 11:26

She’ll have been hoping that you’d accept it gracefully. I’m sure she feels bad about it. Don’t let this become a permanent rift. You all need some cooling off time and then make friends again.

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:27

Not really just said what I felt. Didn’t completely lose it

OP posts:
Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:29

I’m not causing the rift but am so hurt. We have barely seen her during Covid and the caravan was the first decent time with her yet she’s not coming.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 18/05/2021 11:29

And in one fair swoop she’s fucked over the relationship between you and her and you and your brother. Well done mum!!! What a shit show.

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:31

And my other siblings who’ve been quite off with me too... am so upset. Better stop posting, don’t want to cry in cafe!!!!

OP posts:
OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 18/05/2021 11:32

YANBU to be pissed off but, without meaning to be harsh, we've seen thrrad after thread on here about similar situations and ppl urging others not to accept large sums of money from family if there's even a sniff of any strings attached (like changing minds on a whim etc)

Clearly your mum is in a tough spot with your db but could still try and help you. I guess I'm saying you shouldn't count your chickens until they're in your bank account... sorry Sad

giletrouge · 18/05/2021 11:36

I'm not saying she's right but I imagine she sees the situation your brother is in as a crisis and your house-buying as a choice - is that right?
Sorry this must be hugely difficult for you.

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:36

I realise that re counting chickens... and it’s more the way it’s been done and what’s happened since. Being made to feel like I’m in the wrong for not just accepting it and moving on.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 18/05/2021 11:41

So sorry OP. I'm usually in the "sometimes things can't be helped" corner, but what would hurt me even more would be that she has discussed it with "other family members" before coming to you.

nancywhitehead · 18/05/2021 11:45

Sorry you are going through this :(

It sounds like this would have been really difficult for your mum too as she's been speaking to other family members to help her work through the decision.

Is it that there is a risk of the children being taken away? Because I can imagine that would really tug on her heartstrings and would be almost impossible not to do everything she can to try and prevent that happening.

It sounds like she would have given you the money if she could, but sadly a greater need has come up which can't wait. She is only doing what she thinks is right, and as lovely as it would be for you to have your dream house, this is about children being removed from parents and that will pretty much always come first.

I understand your pain - it must be devastating - but I think you do need to also try your very best to see where she is coming from.

Chamomileteaplease · 18/05/2021 11:48

I agree that your mother is behaving very badly here and even more so with not letting you feel upset in an upsetting situation.

I would have thought it would be more fair to give you half each Sad.