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Original poster

Am I unreasonable or not over this- posted here cos it’s a tricky situation

58 replies

Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 11:06

My mother offered to loan me money for a deposit for a house before Covid hit. I found what I wanted and was waiting for them to be fully completed with building before going ahead. Obviously Covid has delayed things considerably but for various reasons that will be giving too much info away there is no other way I’d be able to move to a 3 bed which is what we need.
My brother is going through a very messy relationship breakdown with children involved and she told me last night that she has decided to let him have the money for his court costs instead and will no longer do it. She discussed it with other family members before ‘informing me’ of her decision.
Want some perspective- am I right to be really upset or should I just shut up and put up with it as it is her money her choice....
Please be kind as I’m feeling a bit delicate over it- hence no posting in Aibu.

OP posts:
nancywhitehead · 18/05/2021 11:48

@starfishmummy

So sorry OP. I'm usually in the "sometimes things can't be helped" corner, but what would hurt me even more would be that she has discussed it with "other family members" before coming to you.
I imagine she would have spoken to other family members for their advice and input on making a very difficult decision.

Wouldn't you do the same if you had such a heartwrenching decision to make?

I would not begrudge her this.

Duckswaddle · 18/05/2021 11:52

Sounds like something my mom would do, including blaming me for being upset about the situation that she caused. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel, but as it’s her money it’s her choice; as unfair as it is I don’t think there’s much you can do but accept it 🤷‍♀️

Carriemac · 18/05/2021 12:14

That's shit OP
I bet you feel She has chosen him over you .She cutting off her nose to spite her face not going on hols with you-
Her loss

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 12:32

Yes am specially gutted about the holiday. Won’t have another opportunity to spend a week with her this year. Honestly feels like I’m to blame for it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 12:33

I do understand about the money and accepting it. It’s more what goes with it.

OP posts:
justchecking1 · 18/05/2021 12:52

Why does your brother need court costs? Its a few hundred pounds to go to court and to mediation (is that the amount we're talking?). He won't need a lawyer, surely? Unless he's got something terrible he needs to defend, in which case the best lawyer in the world won't help, a judge isn't going to remove all access to his children and the starting point is usually 50:50

Boonlark · 18/05/2021 13:00

What exactly did you say to her?

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 13:07

She’s saying that it is thousands to go to court and there is a complicating factor that may mean he needs a solicitor I suppose.
I just really said how I feel and how gutted I was. Nearly said ‘it’s not fair’ at one point but held back from that as I felt like I was being childish. Have said this morning that I’m obviously not being missed very much re her not coming to caravan with us...and that I think she needs to step back from my brothers situation but had said that before all this. He hasn’t been great to her over the years which has confused me more!

OP posts:
tentosix · 18/05/2021 13:15

I think she felt a bit guilty about not loaning you the money and deciding in your brothers favour, and when you became upset and made her feel worse, she did what so many people do, and turned it on you.

Your are right to be upset, but need to decide whether it is worth ruining your relationship entirely?

ajandjjmum · 18/05/2021 13:17

You mention other siblings being cool with you. Did they know previously that your DM was loaning you money, or could they have just found out and been disappointed that they hadn't been considered?

Moondust001 · 18/05/2021 13:22

I can understand this is a disappointment. But I get the feeling there's something you aren't telling us. Why would she cut off contact with you? What did you say or do that made her say that your reaction was unacceptable? You may not think you've caused the rift, but for so many people to be angry with you, I'd wonder how true that could be.

FWIIW I would always put people over bricks and mortar. The grandchildren are much more important than having the house you want where you want it. I'd have hoped that given the same choice if it were your children, she'd have prioritised them over someone else's "nice to have but not necessary".

namechangingforthis19586 · 18/05/2021 13:27

I can understand why she can't face a week in a caravan with you and the atmosphere. It doesn't sound wise when you're so angry.

DinaofCloud9 · 18/05/2021 13:27

She won't come on the holiday as she feels awkward probably.

I don't see much wrong with her discussing it with other family members though. It must have been good to get other people's opinions.

MichelleScarn · 18/05/2021 13:33

@justchecking1

Why does your brother need court costs? Its a few hundred pounds to go to court and to mediation (is that the amount we're talking?). He won't need a lawyer, surely? Unless he's got something terrible he needs to defend, in which case the best lawyer in the world won't help, a judge isn't going to remove all access to his children and the starting point is usually 50:50
Id think this too, is he his ex going for full custody and its being challenged by the other. Do you know what shes told your siblings for them to be off with you?
Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 13:35

I understand and there are bits I can’t tell you. I don’t understand why they have all suddenly turned. I was on the phone to her for 45 mins chatting two nights ago! I am angry but caravan is a week away and doesn’t change the fact I haven’t seen her for ages. I’d be happy not to discuss it on holiday just want to see her and for my lo to spend time with her too after all this time!

OP posts:
Tal45 · 18/05/2021 13:42

@Alakazam8

I understand and there are bits I can’t tell you. I don’t understand why they have all suddenly turned. I was on the phone to her for 45 mins chatting two nights ago! I am angry but caravan is a week away and doesn’t change the fact I haven’t seen her for ages. I’d be happy not to discuss it on holiday just want to see her and for my lo to spend time with her too after all this time!
Can you say that to her? x
VettiyaIruken · 18/05/2021 13:47

You are not unreasonable to be upset but your house deposit v your brother fighting for his children ("Messy divorce involving children")- I can see why she's made this decision. Shit happens and plans have to be changed.

But she should accept that you are upset and be understanding.

MindyStClaire · 18/05/2021 13:53

You mention other siblings - were you the only one getting a lump sum? I can understand them being pissed off if there's no mention of them getting anything but you and your brother fighting over something they won't get near.

am I right to be really upset or should I just shut up and put up with it as it is her money her choice

I don’t think this is an ‘either or’, I think both these things are true.

I’m sorry - you must be gutted, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it

This is my view too. It's her money, and she can do what she wants with it, and of course she wants to help your brother in his circumstances. But of course you're absolutely gutted to lose your deposit.

Pinkpaisley · 18/05/2021 13:56

I understand that you are upset at losing this opportunity, but I don’t really understand the drama. Your mother had to make a really hard decision. She consulted trusted people for advice. Then she told you her decision.

Are you upset she pulled the money? Are you upset that because you are upset she doesn’t want to spend an awkward week with you in a tiny caravan?

Fighting for custody of his children surely has to be the priority. You can save for a house deposit. The money was after all a loan not a gift so you were planning to earn it anyway.

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 14:01

Ime of on here and irl ds's get the lion's share in a crisis while dd's are assumed to be able to just get on with things...
Imo not necessarily fact!
And not how I treat my adult dc...

Retrievemysanity · 18/05/2021 14:03

You poor thing. I wonder if perhaps her not coming on holiday with you is the best thing at the moment though-give you all a bit of space and let the dust settle. I imagine she probably thinks it will be awkward and if things kick off there’s nowhere to escape if you’re all there together.

Your feelings are totally valid and it’s disappointing how it’s all unfolded. I guess your mum feels caught in the middle and sees your brother’s situation as the more pressing especially if kids are involved. So, I would advise, take time to let everyone calm down and come to terms with it, remember that relationships are much more important than money and you will have your dream home one day, you might just have to wait a little longer than you thought Flowers

Flowers500 · 18/05/2021 14:03

I think you have every right to be upset by the situation but I don’t think your mother is wrong. If it’s a situation where one of her children is at risk of losing the grandchildren, that is clearly more urgent. It’s awful for you but it sounds like the situation is terrible and heart wrenching for her. I imagine she wishes she had the money for both of you. Please don’t be harsh to her, it sounds like you are seeing this entirely from your own perspective.

ajandjjmum · 18/05/2021 14:06

@Aprilwasverywet

Ime of on here and irl ds's get the lion's share in a crisis while dd's are assumed to be able to just get on with things... Imo not necessarily fact! And not how I treat my adult dc...
Depends on the parents. Mine were always scrupulously fair with DB and me - and we were all honest with each other, with nothing hidden. We needed help at different times, but always knew that our DP would even things up.

But the OP obviously has more siblings that just her DB, so I suppose it's likely to be more involved.

mrsm43s · 18/05/2021 14:10

I think your mum has handled this wrong, and should never have offered you a large sum for a house deposit if she couldn't also help other siblings similarly.

It seems that you were fine with her giving to one sibling only based on need when it was you being the only one getting a large lump sum, but you are suddenly crying "unfair!" when your DB has a greater need and you are no longer the one benefiting.

Original poster
Alakazam8 · 18/05/2021 14:11

Ok thanks for advice I hope I can maybe improve things when things calm down. There are times she’s done similar for my siblings re deposits etc but anyway I understand about it being her money her decision- just the way it’s been done. I’ll leave things a while anyway hopefully everyone will calm down a bit.
Thanks for all advice

OP posts: