Am I unreasonable or not over this- posted here cos it’s a tricky situation

[Alakazam8]

My mother offered to loan me money for a deposit for a house before Covid hit. I found what I wanted and was waiting for them to be fully completed with building before going ahead. Obviously Covid has delayed things considerably but for various reasons that will be giving too much info away there is no other way I’d be able to move to a 3 bed which is what we need.
My brother is going through a very messy relationship breakdown with children involved and she told me last night that she has decided to let him have the money for his court costs instead and will no longer do it. She discussed it with other family members before ‘informing me’ of her decision.
Want some perspective- am I right to be really upset or should I just shut up and put up with it as it is her money her choice....
Please be kind as I’m feeling a bit delicate over it- hence no posting in Aibu.

If your brother that she is trying to help with costs for court hasn't been there for her or has been particularly nasty to her over the years (as you alluded to in one of your posts), she seems to be trying to buy her way back into his affections. He won't care a jot more for her after his court issue is resolved and also won't have the heavy costs of court to pay either.
You on the other hand will miss out on an opportunity because she has changed her mind even after she offered and you accepted her offer.
She is of course allowed to change her mind but for you to be last to find out something that impacts you this much is really poor on her behalf. She should have been more up-front with you and discussed it with you first.

You are not responsible for her now feeling the way she is, just in case you think you are. You are not at fault here. She is. Your brother is.

She is not a good influence to have around your children at the moment so I'd not have her on holidays with you if you can manage the costs without her there.

@Alakazam8

I understand and there are bits I can’t tell you. I don’t understand why they have all suddenly turned. I was on the phone to her for 45 mins chatting two nights ago! I am angry but caravan is a week away and doesn’t change the fact I haven’t seen her for ages. I’d be happy not to discuss it on holiday just want to see her and for my lo to spend time with her too after all this time!

Have you said you’d be happy to put the financial contribution conversations and talk of buying a property to one side for the time away? Separate the issues of the withdrawal of the offer from the holiday. Make it clear that you’ve missed her through lockdown and we’re really looking forward to the time together.

Be honest about it. Write it out to be clear about what you want to say, maybe send the words rather than have the conversation, so that she has time to reread and absorb what you’re saying about going away together.

Can manage the costs- I was paying for it- was free for her.
That’s how I feel, that I was the last to know and everyone had an input in the decision except me... prob just how I feel though today (I hope)

Yes I’ve explained all that by text and how I feel it would be good for her to get away from everything that’s going on. I am prepared to forget about it for the holiday and would do for the children’s sake but is still a no

@Alakazam8

Yes I’ve explained all that by text and how I feel it would be good for her to get away from everything that’s going on. I am prepared to forget about it for the holiday and would do for the children’s sake but is still a no

I think your tone TBH is a little bit unfair. I know you’re massively disappointed but it does sound like you’re taking this out on her. Have you considered that this sort of extreme response might be part of why she didn’t talk to you first? It makes sense that she talked to impartial family members to ask for confirmation on which was more urgent, and when they said as she suspected she talked to you. I think your attitude here is too harsh, it sounds a lot like you’ve seen red and are only considering your perspective.

I think your attitude here is too harsh, it sounds a lot like you’ve seen red and are only considering your perspective.
That's what I'm thinking too. Being prepared to forget about it "for the holiday" is actually saying "I'll be magnanimous and let you come on holiday and I won't mention it at all, but straight afterwards I am still going to be mightily pissed off with you". If that is coming across like that here, I wonder how what is actually being said is coming across in real life. The OP admits to being angry - but this isn't her money to be angry about. Disappointed, yes, but anger isn't a right when you are expecting that somebody else will do something nice and very generous for you. I still think there is a lot more to why mum and siblings are not speaking to the OP, and it's not about disappointment.

That said, the more threads I read on these boards about giving or willing money to your children, the happier I am that I am very clear that I have done my bit, equally, to both, and they should expect nothing more. What I can't spend is going to charity. They have had a great upbringing, a fantastic education, are both in great jobs and have the ability to provide for themselves. They expect nothing more now than a good relationship with mum/grandma. Perhaps it's just the people who post here, but it often feels like so many children think that their parents job is to set them up and then keep on giving, even after death.

I think your mum knows she’s in the wrong which is why she told everybody her version of the story before you. sod her re the holiday.

Thanks for all the responses. I’m not angry about the money really but the way it was all done. I don’t know why she didn’t come to me and say what her thoughts were- I’d have been disappointed but understood.

There is no other reason for my mum and siblings to be blanking me. I don’t know why this is- I’m upset about the money as it was promised to me as a loan which I agreed to start repaying immediately. I have always supported myself whereas my siblings including my brother have been helped at various times in the past with similar things. I haven’t said anything that warrants this response from them but will just give them space. Maybe I’m better off without it anyway if it’s going to cause these sort of issues...