Tired, really fucking tired. Why do I have to be an expert at everything?

[SunnySpring]

I'm tired, my brain is tired of the fucking 3bijillion things in my to do list. I seem to be unable to give up anything and everything just falls on my shoulders, the house, the baby, the dog. I'm unable to think clearly during the day and there's no give. Nothing that can be dropped etc. I have a DH but he's off building his business and trying to get his start up off the ground and it consumes him.

But my biggest gripe is with modern life! Why do I have to suddenly be an expert at everything ? Why does everything needs me to have tons of research! Weaning- there's a million options! Baby sleep- let's not even go there! Playtime and stimulation endless things I need to research and implement. Then there's the fucking dog, who is a massively reactive asshole on walks. I've got to do all this training, and help him lose weight, and do physio therapy for his knee. There's endless decisions that research and I'm done. I'm really tired.

Please tell me how to be better at making choices? Or just a kick up the bum! I had a shitty day at work and got home to an even longer list of shit to do!

OP I feel for you

I don't have children but a few friends have babies now and there's so many methods they're trying to learn

I feel like work asks me to learn a new tech system every three months with no discernible benefit

Buying a flat was like the solicitor expected me to know stuff instead of the other way round. I thought it was me being lazy but maybe not.

Do you need to do everything? I was like this when I worked full-time and DD was little. Then I had a break down so now I am much more ruthless with what I do and don't do.
Also, do you need to research everything? DD had to have formula in hospital and I was frozen with indecision as I hadn't researched the differences and no idea which to choose! DH just said 'that one' as it didn't really matter. I mean, choose your specialist subjects and declare yourself ignorant on others.
Also, why should DH get off Scott free? Yes, he's building a business but he's still a parent and a dog owner and you are supposed to be a team so act like one.

Copy people, ask what they buy / do. Then do that.

And ignore anyone that tells you to Google it 🙄

@Ostara212

OP I feel for you

I don't have children but a few friends have babies now and there's so many methods they're trying to learn

I feel like work asks me to learn a new tech system every three months with no discernible benefit

Buying a flat was like the solicitor expected me to know stuff instead of the other way round. I thought it was me being lazy but maybe not.

Oh god don't even get me started on work systems and procedures! There's a new one every fucking week!

I didn't research anything, I just raised DH following instinct, he has grown up just fine. We didn't have google in those days.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I didn't research anything, I just raised DH following instinct, he has grown up just fine. We didn't have google in those days.

I'm glad your DH was ok raised without google.

What works for you in the moment you need it is more than good enough. “Everyone fed, no one dead” has been an enduring phrase on family forums for a long time for a good reason.

@Ostara212 not you being lazy at all! I was able to use being foreign as an excuse when we were looking around as nothing made any sense to me and I didn't know how conveyancing works! Still don't!

Just do your best.

Anything less fucks them up. Anything more fucks you up.

@toomuchfaster I'm sorry to hear about your breakdown and hope you're much better now! I feel ok headed that way I've only returned to work 2 months ago. He doesn't get a free pass but he's also exhausted with limited mental energy. He admired recently that I'm making big sacrifices so he can build his business but hes also mentally and emotionally spent. It's hard to create something from nothing.

And why are light fittings so complicated? As well as the mystery of 10 billion bulbs, you have to use something as small as safety pin to dislodge some of the ones here.

Computers - since I upgraded my anti virus it tells me a lot of stuff that baffles me. Online banking requires a new level of security every time I log in....which makes me wonder if my parents are sensible in refusing to try it.

How overwhelming for you OP.
Is there anything you can outsource at all to take the pressure off?
The house doesn't have to be spotlessly clean, so long as kids are fed and rested, they will be fine. Same goes for husbands too lol!

@Ostara212 I feel like you understand me! I need to sort out something for my pension and 6 phone calls later we are no closer to solving the mystery! Why does it take 6+ calls to change the address on a pension plan with less than £200 in it! WHY!!!!!

It sounds like timing has been everything and is particularly bad at this point for you. I'm sorry you feel so exhausted. I have no great answer, but I do think if you take it all on now because he is building his business, you will get landed with it for ever - forever the person that knows everything about all things domestic, forever the person that deals with school admin, forever the person that is criticised for not being fun because you are too bloody knackered. So while it's not a solution exactly, I would think about boundaries and what is fair both now in the future and beware of setting a precedent. It's hard to change what is established in the early years of child rearing I think. Probably it is happening like that because you are a. Efficient and b. Because it suits DH not to do that thinking. Efficient people often get squeezed by lazier people until they have nothing left.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

How overwhelming for you OP. Is there anything you can outsource at all to take the pressure off? The house doesn't have to be spotlessly clean, so long as kids are fed and rested, they will be fine. Same goes for husbands too lol!

Lol! I gave up on the house last year!

Unfortunately none of the things which most irk me can be outsourced. I'm already doing a lot of that for the other things in my life I can't handle.

I feel that no matter how long my to do list, I veer between pretty admirable and hugely overwhelmed. In other words there is something that tips me over some times. But in reality it isn't about what I have on my list.

My dp has severe brain damage so I'm responsible for everything. What we eat, what I earn, what we spend, all the appointments, two jobs and the kids. Sometimes that's a breeze (Ish) and other times it's impossible. But because he can stand up and take himself to the toilet everyone thinks the hard work is over. Sorry I think I'm ranting now. But OP I feel you

[quote SunnySpring]@Ostara212 I feel like you understand me! I need to sort out something for my pension and 6 phone calls later we are no closer to solving the mystery! Why does it take 6+ calls to change the address on a pension plan with less than £200 in it! WHY!!!!! [/quote]
Oh no, what a mare!

A more trivial one - jeans. Girlfriend, boyfriend, mom - I don't care whose jeans they are 😂 I just need them to be straight leg.

You've set me off OP!

@marly11

It sounds like timing has been everything and is particularly bad at this point for you. I'm sorry you feel so exhausted. I have no great answer, but I do think if you take it all on now because he is building his business, you will get landed with it for ever - forever the person that knows everything about all things domestic, forever the person that deals with school admin, forever the person that is criticised for not being fun because you are too bloody knackered. So while it's not a solution exactly, I would think about boundaries and what is fair both now in the future and beware of setting a precedent. It's hard to change what is established in the early years of child rearing I think. Probably it is happening like that because you are a. Efficient and b. Because it suits DH not to do that thinking. Efficient people often get squeezed by lazier people until they have nothing left.

@marly11 I think about this a lot. And DH and I talk about this a lot. In circles. I'm not efficient but he's getting lazier about things and I end up picking up the pieces so nothing falls apart. He gets tunnel vision but frankly he's always been that way just didn't affect me before kids so I never noticed. We do need better boundaries that is true.

@StillDumDeDumming

I feel that no matter how long my to do list, I veer between pretty admirable and hugely overwhelmed. In other words there is something that tips me over some times. But in reality it isn't about what I have on my list.

My dp has severe brain damage so I'm responsible for everything. What we eat, what I earn, what we spend, all the appointments, two jobs and the kids. Sometimes that's a breeze (Ish) and other times it's impossible. But because he can stand up and take himself to the toilet everyone thinks the hard work is over. Sorry I think I'm ranting now. But OP I feel you

Cross post

Sorry for being trivial

@StillDumDeDumming that's very hard. I'm sorry. Do you have any outside help? Family or paid help?

@Ostara212 that's ok! All are welcome on my rant! On a similar note, what's the deal with these new food types or diets, low carb, 3:5 or whatever. How do I lose the baby the weight? Yoga, Pilates or weights? Also where do find 30mins a day to make it happen!!!

My son is 2 and I purposefully never googled anything or read anything other than the bare essentials, ie, weaning at 6 months, cut grapes length ways, avoid choking hazards.

The rest was just winging it and it stopped me fretting over the finer details and making sure things were exactly as the writing says.

Sleep, just did what was safe and necessary for that specific night.

Dogs, they get walked, they get muzzled if they're being too reactive with each other but they're old pensioners now so they're not really reactive any more but we just did what we had to in order to make sure they were safe and walks were not a faff.

I'm a really laid back person though. Anxious, but laid back.

Whatever will be will be, but it might keep me up at night.

But things can always give. You just need to make sure you and the children are fed watered and clothed and have a list of priorities.

Isn't the saying something like: put off today what you can do tomorrow. ;)

You don't need to be an expert. It might feel like you do but really you don't.

Find out what suits you the best and simply go with the flow of what works for you. It might be different from what others do but it doesn't matter. You know your baby and you best and that makes you an expert on your child already.

I'm glad your DH was ok raised without google

^

You need to get off the hamster wheel! At least with some of the things. Take weaning for example. You don’t really need any research or to be an expert about anything. I certainly didn’t do anything special, just used common sense. Like giving the baby soft foods and cutting things up so they weren’t a choking risk.

@Ostara212 no! I completely agree! I gave up trying to order some jeans. I think that's what I mean - everyone has tough stuff to deal with at some stage and I'm ok with that. But then you try to do something simple (I am currently trying to get dp an NHS dentist and it's bloody impossible!) - that's the point at which you find life has become too hard!