Tired, really fucking tired. Why do I have to be an expert at everything?

[SunnySpring]

I'm tired, my brain is tired of the fucking 3bijillion things in my to do list. I seem to be unable to give up anything and everything just falls on my shoulders, the house, the baby, the dog. I'm unable to think clearly during the day and there's no give. Nothing that can be dropped etc. I have a DH but he's off building his business and trying to get his start up off the ground and it consumes him.

But my biggest gripe is with modern life! Why do I have to suddenly be an expert at everything ? Why does everything needs me to have tons of research! Weaning- there's a million options! Baby sleep- let's not even go there! Playtime and stimulation endless things I need to research and implement. Then there's the fucking dog, who is a massively reactive asshole on walks. I've got to do all this training, and help him lose weight, and do physio therapy for his knee. There's endless decisions that research and I'm done. I'm really tired.

Please tell me how to be better at making choices? Or just a kick up the bum! I had a shitty day at work and got home to an even longer list of shit to do!

This hits the nail on the head for me. Perfect @Couchbettato

'I'm a really laid back person though. Anxious, but laid back.

Whatever will be will be, but it might keep me up at night.

But things can always give. You just need to make sure you and the children are fed watered and clothed and have a list of priorities^'
^
I should know how to quote, but I've forgotten

@StillDumDeDumming that sums it up brilliantly!
@SunnySpring I am doing much better, thanks. Is there anything specific that is currently bugging you and we could give you our opinions to save you googling?

I had to let go of a lot of things I thought important when I had kids as it was grinding me into the ground. Still, I share your immense frustration that little things should be much easier. Don't get me started on WiFi or printers that inexplicably decide to not print when they've previously been working fine. God, I have to muster up the patience from great depths when that happens and I am then hugely resentful it's taken me an hour of my precious time to fix!!

To tackle this, we instigated a weekly night - Admin Tuesday. I mean, what else is there to do on a Tuesday night?

We each keep a running list of stuff that needs tackling so it’s noted, but it’s not actively taking up brain space and stressing us out. We then compare lists, divvy up the jobs and get as much done as we can before fatigue sets in!

It doesn’t always happen every week, but it’s a good way to get stuff done together rather than it all falling to one of us.

Might be worth a try?

I really feel for mothers these days. I was able to be a SAHM as in the old days ! one income did suffice . And we did not seem to suffer from guilt that young women have now . So much pressure to have to juggle it all.
My advice ? Go old school. Buy ONE book about baby weaning, childcare , etc . and refer to it when necessary.
And do make your DH do some of the endless administration nowadays. He can make a phone call too .Again , go old school . Instead of all this googling , if you see a price on insurance , electric, etc that seems reasonable , just pick it. And please delegate the dog to DH , plenty of CEOs can find time to walk a dog .

Remember , your time is valuable too. It is your job and your support that is enabling your DH to start up his business. The old fashioned saying ,
" Behind every man ..." has never been more true these days.

It sounds like you have really high standards for everything. I’m definitely an over researcher and sometimes exhaust myself. I think it’s really important to be selective about what you spend your time researching because you can’t do everything. Good enough is sometimes good enough! Not much you can do about the pension company thoug.h. Maddening!

OP - yes, it's the simple stuff becoming ever more complicated that's annoying.

Thanks to my parents, I have recently discovered the joy of paying by cheque. Often quicker to do than online transfer where they have to do several checks to make sure it's me and yesterday I had three screens telling me it might be a scam because I'd never paid that company before.

Buying a flat was like the solicitor expected me to know stuff instead of the other way round

I had this when buying my place. My solicitor kept asking me to decide between various different, extremely complicated, legal options to resolve an issue of common land access. I don't know, I'm not a solicitor! I don't have a law degree, I don't work for a conveyancing firm. How about, as you're the solicitor, you tell me what's best.

Stillfunny I so agree with you. I was having a discussion with my daughter only the other day and I feel mums nowdays have so much more pressure and are expected to juggle so many balls in the air. Sometimes there is just to much information. I think a lot of the 'experts' on child rearing cause more stress! Sometimes just go with the flow and do what feels right for you. Having a child is a full time job in itself. I admire this generation of women because I do not think you have it easy.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I didn't research anything, I just raised DH following instinct, he has grown up just fine. We didn't have google in those days.

Ditto. You need to learn to trust your instinct. A new mum recently asked me - how did you get your baby to sleep if you didn’t have an app on your phone? (I’m not joking)

@Nonmaquillee I get that might have sounded crazy to you but when you are told over and over again that the way to a happy baby is to get sleeping well, you be come obsessed with sleep schedules and wake windows and nap time. She might have meant how did you keep track of wake windows etc without logging all their sleep in an app!

Thanks all! I'm not sure why I feel this way. It's a combination of no NCT or baby groups due to the pandemic so my only reference points are social media both here and Instagram. Parenting experts are everywhere, you do this to make your child not be fussy, tantrums are dealt with like this or you will turn your child into a emotional wreck as an adult. Do this, not that, say this etc and it's all contradicted by someone else! Oh I regret the day I started following a paediatric dentist! No f-ing way I can do all that while holding my child down. Thankfully he doesn't have teeth yet so it's a ways down the line but my god!

The dog this is not taking the dog for a walk. He's a rescue that has issues, unfortunately due to PND I missed a few sessions with his trainer and now she's ghosted us. The dog needs special training and a consistent schedule but we're not up to it. DH is lazy about it and I'm left with the dog is totally over attached to me. So to help the dog recover I need to know about dog body language, special training and because he cannot be walked we need to keep him active in a small flat!

@bigfloweryblouse

I had to let go of a lot of things I thought important when I had kids as it was grinding me into the ground. Still, I share your immense frustration that little things should be much easier. Don't get me started on WiFi or printers that inexplicably decide to not print when they've previously been working fine. God, I have to muster up the patience from great depths when that happens and I am then hugely resentful it's taken me an hour of my precious time to fix!!

Oh no! Printers are the worst!!

@ShangPie I like that idea. We're not getting much of an evening as the baby wakes up a lot during the evening. We had dinner separately yesterday as one of us needed to be in the room. It was sad and I hope not do that again. Motherhood is taking a huge toll on my marriage.

Reading OP, this is why the internet on tap constantly just isn’t necessarily a good thing. I hate it and love it in equal measure. It’s like we’ve become incapable of doing things without a google - because we know it’s there.

I spent and wasted endless hours on weaning research etc and in the end I’m not sure it made much of a difference.

But some of it is about getting your DH to pick up a bit more too. You and he don’t have the luxury to dump everything on to you.

@Returnoftheowl

Buying a flat was like the solicitor expected me to know stuff instead of the other way round

I had this when buying my place. My solicitor kept asking me to decide between various different, extremely complicated, legal options to resolve an issue of common land access. I don't know, I'm not a solicitor! I don't have a law degree, I don't work for a conveyancing firm. How about, as you're the solicitor, you tell me what's best.

I am always turning stuff around in these situations and ask, what do you think is best? What would you do? I even do it in restaurant (back when we ate in them)

@Iggly I agree on the weaning research, apart from knowing most allergic foods I'm now trying to go with the flow. But I am still cooking stuff for the baby I'm not sure how long I'm going to make on that one.

But it feels when you close a door on one thing another flings open. Weaning - done , now sleep? Train or not? How to train? Will I be able to keep it up? How to create a routine? Reading or not yet or when in the bedtime routine? I'm co-sleeping to cope but everyone but the baby hates it. But otherwise he wakes every hour!

Have you watched Motherland?

It's about a Mum in exactly your scenario, and it's very funny.

Me and DH are binge watching it, and I actually said to him last night "I don't know how I got through all that".

It gets better. Kids get older and the to-do list gets shorter. Hang on in there.

It sounds like your over thinking the baby bit... go with your instincts, read the very basics.
The dog, can you get help?
The house, ditto

Sunny spring I am sending you some 💐. Being a mum is not always easy but it does get better. If I can offer one small bit of advice is only do what is necessary in the house to make it that you are comfortable and focus on your little one and the dog. The housework is a hamster wheel and will still be there when they are older. A very wise old lady told me when I was a very House proud young mother that you never see the words on a gravestone “she kept an immaculate home” . You also have a dog with issues and that is never an easy path. We used to foster rescue dogs and I know how that can be very stressful. Perhaps Threaten to rehome the dog if no help forthcoming. Would an experienced Dog walker be the answer if you can afford it? If your husband doesn’t help the dog will always probably have attachment issues. 💐💐💐💐💐

OP "I am always turning stuff around in these situations and ask, what do you think is best?"

Yes but it's exactly that having to manage people in daily life that's weird. I thought if I climbed the career ladder and earned more, I would have to manage people, faor enoygh.

I won't name names but a friend had to manage a situation in a famous large store where an elderly lady fell and the staff didn't know what to do. So she did everything.

I wouldn't know how to get a baby to sleep with an app. How do these parents think their parents raised them?

I was hoping my generation would reject tech a bit, at least for leisure time. Me and a friend are doing a photo project but not putting it on Instagram....this has confused people.

I don't know anything about dog physio but on the baby stuff - it really doesn't matter. There is so much information out there that mums (especially) feel like they must wade through it all to make the "best" decision, but frankly even if there was a best decision (spoiler: there isn't) the hours of your life you spend researching/pureeing/whatever else aren't to be disregarded either.

Honestly, whether your child is fed nothing but homemade Annabel Karmel or just grabs their older sibling's sandwich and starts gumming it one day when your back is turned, they will be absolutely fine and likely still off like a shot to McDonald's when they're 11.

@SunnySpring I get you. I'm exactly the same. Particularly with baby sleep. Napping too much, too little - everyone seemed to make it work and I couldn't!!!

Have you googled perfectionism? One of the traits is overthinking decisions..

Re the sleep - we got a sleep consultant in. It was so helpful, it meant that all the rest of the noise on google could be tuned out.

And I would honestly read @EssentialHummus post over and over again! She is absolutely right. But then pressure to get it right is huge!

If you are working maybe get some help? A Cleaner will take a load off you .There are some really good tips on feeding baby ,weaning and so on on this very site! Maybe you can take doggy and baby out together ?Make it a nice trip out .DH should be helping as well .Maybe he can do Computer stuff? He shouldnt be leaving it all up to you!

Thanks all. I'm getting help for the house, I don't do anything but the basics, eg food and kitchen / baby bottle cleaning. Everything else is outsourced.

Unfortunately no help is coming for the dog. If I'm honest we should have rehomed soon after we got him as it was clear his issues were too much but pre baby & pre pandemic we managed and didn't think much of it. Post baby and during pandemic it's worse, much worse. He's worse and it's all worse.