My life is empty, how can I make it more enriched and interesting?

[DiscoverTomorrow]

I'm in my 20s and working my first proper job since university. Ever since university I have struggled with letting people who have had a much different upbringing getting to know me. I never realised how much shame I have around certain things.

I was raised in poverty and so travelling, holidays, meals out, extracurricular activities, etc just were not possible. There were also elements of emotional neglect and emotional abuse which I am only just beginning to unravel and process. Nonetheless, we all experience difficulties and we are all different and so I never really thought about it much. However, I have been surprised with how often a topic of conversation will come up that I feel really uncomfortable talking about because it ends up hitting too close to home. For example, last week my manager was making small talk with me about sports, a fairly benign topic. He asked me if I played any form of sport, which I don't. He then asked if I played any sport growing up and I said no and he was surprised which led the conversation to my colleagues discussing all the swimming lessons and tennis lessons etc they had growing up. I felt really flustered and embarrassed as I could feel the conversation was getting too personal and close to a sensitive issue as the reason I never played sport was because my parents couldn't afford it which is not something I want to disclose to colleagues.

There are so many things I have never done. I live around an hour away from London but never went there to see the sights until I was 21. I have never stayed in a hotel, been abroad, been anywhere more northern in England than Oxford, don't play any sports or instruments, no hobbies, etc. I've never had a boyfriend, although to be honest I don't really want one at the moment, I think my parents' emotionally abusive marriage has put me off. It just feels really empty and like a blank state I want to start filling.

I'm trying my best to build up my life experiences. Has anyone else experienced this and know what sort of things I should do to create a more enriched and interesting life?

(Also, I'm not blaming my childhood or using it as an excuse. I just mentioned it to give context).

@DiscoverTomorrow

I'm in my 20s and working my first proper job since university. Ever since university I have struggled with letting people who have had a much different upbringing getting to know me. I never realised how much shame I have around certain things.

I was raised in poverty and so travelling, holidays, meals out, extracurricular activities, etc just were not possible. There were also elements of emotional neglect and emotional abuse which I am only just beginning to unravel and process. Nonetheless, we all experience difficulties and we are all different and so I never really thought about it much. However, I have been surprised with how often a topic of conversation will come up that I feel really uncomfortable talking about because it ends up hitting too close to home. For example, last week my manager was making small talk with me about sports, a fairly benign topic. He asked me if I played any form of sport, which I don't. He then asked if I played any sport growing up and I said no and he was surprised which led the conversation to my colleagues discussing all the swimming lessons and tennis lessons etc they had growing up. I felt really flustered and embarrassed as I could feel the conversation was getting too personal and close to a sensitive issue as the reason I never played sport was because my parents couldn't afford it which is not something I want to disclose to colleagues.

There are so many things I have never done. I live around an hour away from London but never went there to see the sights until I was 21. I have never stayed in a hotel, been abroad, been anywhere more northern in England than Oxford, don't play any sports or instruments, no hobbies, etc. I've never had a boyfriend, although to be honest I don't really want one at the moment, I think my parents' emotionally abusive marriage has put me off. It just feels really empty and like a blank state I want to start filling.

I'm trying my best to build up my life experiences. Has anyone else experienced this and know what sort of things I should do to create a more enriched and interesting life?

(Also, I'm not blaming my childhood or using it as an excuse. I just mentioned it to give context).

You've been to uni so you do have some life experience. Where do you live now? Still with parents? If so i would be looking into a house share.

In the short term, I think you need to develop some stock phrases like

"no I haven't played much sport before but I've started swimming recently"

"I've never travelled outside Europe, where would you recommend?"

Put the focus on the here & now, rather than the past

I haven’t experienced the same but what I have recently experienced is trying to find things to broaden my life now my children are out of the baby phase and I have a bit more time.

The key thing is, what do you want to do? What sort of things do you want to try? Would you like to learn how to play a musical instrument or a sport? Do you want to do something with other people or on your own?

I have started writing (a blog and some creative writing) and I am going to start training to be a volunteer for an organisation that has helped me in the past. Might not be your cup of tea at all but it feels low key and suits me!

I think perhaps you have anxiety around talking about your difficult childhood and just clam up when a conversation veers any where close to it? I mean of course you've had life experience, a whole ton of it growing up. You must have done PE at school? I didn't get any clubs or activities paid for by my parents as a child. I think that's quite common amongst the working classes. Your lack of money growing up is nothing to be ashamed of.

Everyone has interests, you just need to find something you feel passionate about or want to learn more about. You must read? That's a hobby. And so what if you're not well travelled, neither am I. I actually find it quite boring when people bang on about their back packing around Thailand

There's a lot to unpick here, but I will say - don't get too hung up on how people might perceive you or pursue hobbies just to make yourself look interesting in conversation.

Just be yourself, I think you're just lacking in self confidence. No surprise after experiencing abuse growing up. Traits I find more engaging than hearing about hobbies are kindness, a sense of humour, a good listener, creativity, positivity and empathy for others.

Be proud you've come this far and done well for yourself. Congratulations on your new job

As a pp has said - what would you like to do? Because my list of enriching activities might not suit you.

A large part of your decision making will, presumably, come down to finances; what sort of leisure activities can you now afford, and how often?

Two things you listed - never having stayed in a hotel, and never having travelled north of Oxford (is that where you were at university?) are easily combined: once you feel covid-safe enough to do so, why not book a weekend in the Lake District, York, Edinburgh, (best!) or wherever takes your fancy? If you're hesitating about travelling alone I can assure you it's a great way to have a properly relaxed break. And I would strongly suggest a simple and reliable Premier Inn type hotel, rather than an Air BnB which is such an unpredictable accommodation plan. Alternatively, I'd highly recommend somewhere like Gladstone's Library in North Wales (close to Chester) for a wonderfully nurturing and restorative stay.

I completely understand that 'flustered' feeling when conversation wanders outside your own experience - but other people really aren't imagining your unsatisfactory childhood - they just want a chance to talk about their holiday! Don't feel bad, do start making plans.

Sorry if this a bit nauseating, but you've got the world at your feet and are about to experience so many firsts! Why not start by booking yourself a hotel in York or somewhere you've never been before and just have a weekend exploring somewhere totally new. You don't need to replicate your childhood in adulthood, you are in charge now, what do you want to do? Just do one thing at a time, make a wish list?

As for sports etc I really wouldn't be embarrassed, I wasn't born in poverty but my friends and I didn't play sports or go to extra curriculars, I didn't learn to swim until I was 13. I promise you it's a big deal to you but others really wouldn't bat an eyelid (not that you should care even if they did)

Not at all what you’ve asked OP but I also get very uncomfortable discussing my personal life. I’ve handled it similarly to a PP. I just deflect. People love to talk about themselves so asking any questions about what they have done/experienced totally deflects the focus away from you and I often find it jaw dropping at how long people can talk about themselves for without asking anything back.
Do you feel your life is empty? It sounds as though you may need to work through the trauma of your childhood with a professional. You sound very balanced and aware considering what you’ve been through.
Find things to do that bring you joy and perhaps start reading if you don’t already. Even though you may not have experienced some things directly, reading about them may make you feel more comfortable in conversations as you can draw on what you’ve read.
Look after yourself

I agree with the above in regards to getting flustered and embarrassed making small talk. Everyone feels like this a bit. Small talk with colleagues is really just trying to get to know you, finding some common ground for a conversation.

You can deflect or steer it away from your childhood. Maybe have a few replies ready. E.g., what do you do in your spare time, do you like sport? No, I absolutely love true crime dramas/podcasts/ whatever though do you? Or ask about their love of sport, show an interest in that.

Of course, you needn't be ashamed of your life experiences growing up. None of it was your fault right? Perhaps it would help to open up to a friend or even a professional about that when you're ready

You get used to it, OP. I'm very a very poor background, and grew up in an overcrowded and fairly dysfunctional household, and when I started to meet middle- and upper-class people at university, I was often freaked out by the difference between our lives and the competencies they'd picked up from home or their education that I hadn't -- and I don't mean things like finishing school, skiing and playing the viola to near-professional level, I mean things like being able to swim or having ever gone to a restaurant (or how to order if you did). My parents came from extremely deprived backgrounds themselves, so had no idea about such things, and there was just literally nothing left over for anything 'extra'. Even when I started to work in my early teens, it didn't occur to me to spend money in ways I'd never been trained to think were an obvious use of funds.

But I've had great fun rectifying those gaps in adulthood. Or some of them. Sports would never bother me one way or another, but travelling and discovering music and art have been utter pleasures.

As a pp said, stop thinking in terms of shame about 'absences' from your past, and start thinking about what you actually want to do now. There's a whole world out there. Enjoy it!

This isn't a direct response, but a suggestion- do you think you might have anxiety?

I ask because you have done incredibly well coming from disadvantage and managing Uni and now work, despite little support. You have every reason to feel confident and capable. Anyone learning your background would be impressed at your achievements, not critical of your lack of sports/clubs etc.

I wonder whether some counselling to help you feel more confident in your situation would be helpful.

Also, have a think what you fancy exploring and go for it! See what's convenient and available in your area. There will be evening classes for languages, wine tasting etc.
Women's Institute have interesting speakers and organise outings to cool places.
There will be an activity centre somewhere where you can try archery, rock climbing, abseiling etc!

A response such as 'there wasn't much for extras when I was a child' would stop most people from digging further. As a child you were not responsible it's a misplaced feeling of shame.

Totally agree you have plenty of time to explore, find interests and friends. Look for all the free options to see what might take your fancy such as galleries, museums, online science lectures, a food festival. They all give you something to chat about whether you were fascinated or left cold. Try couchto5k and you might find you like running. You'd meet a broad spectrum of people if you volunteer for a charity. Look outwards!

You've done so well to get to where you are. Although I didn't grow up in poverty I grew up in isolation, we barely went for meals for example so when I started working full time I was clueless at work functions etc.
I grew up very fast once I got my independence, I still haven't had life experiences that other people's parents gave them and I'm 37! What I will say is hold your head up high and be confident in yourself, when people talk about travel for example I just tell them I haven't really travelled and have no intention of doing so. If you say it with enough self belief i think you will find people don't tend to question what you say!
Anyway that was a bit of a ramble but I hope you know what I mean

I didn't come from an upbringing like yours, but because of a combination of over-protective parents and growing up overseas with a bit of an "alternative" parenting style I missed out on a lot of things. Eg. I never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy, never had a sleepover with a friend, never listened to pop music, never had a TV, wasn't allowed to do activities etc etc. By contrast I had had a lot of experiences where I quickly realised that people just thought I was making it up, so I learned to deflect and turn questions round on others to ask them about their lives.

When I went off to university I remember reading some list of "things you should do before you turn 21" or something like that and ticking things off, just to try them for the first time. It was along the lines of this but 20 years ago (if you can imagine that!)

picklemewalnuts why does the op have to consider if she has a mental illness 2hen she is experiencing a perfectly reasonable reaction to her situation? She sounds entirely rational and clear about her situation and her unease comes from an understandable place. Is not 'having anxiety' to feel uncomfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
OP I agree with the pp who said think of a couple of offhand comments to deflect the childhood lack of experiences and start having some. Loads of awesome UK cities for weekend breaks. A smartphone means you can research and book tickets and accommodation and have a map with timings and literally everything you could need in your pocket. Pick a hobby, a craft, a sport, do parkrun when it starts again in June. Start somewhere. Enjoy the freedom and be bloody proud of yourself for being a graduate with some means to stretch yourself now.

The example about doing sports as a child makes me wonder if your (understandable) worries are colouring how you heard the question. An answer like "Netball was my favourite in PE" would have been fine.

In terms of enriching your life, that sounds brilliant. You don't need anyone's permission to travel or stay in a hotel or whatever (at least, once covid is over) so just go an do it.

For me, the most enriching activity things I've done have been evening classes - one in philosophy and one in head massage. Loved them.

One of the good things to come from lockdown is the huge number of courses/classes/experiences available online now. A friend has been doing an online wine class, so if that's something you've no experience of and are a bit anxious about that would be ideal - do it at home, learn a little bit about wine. The same probably applies to all manner of things.

Plus, while there is absolutely no shame in any of the things you've mentioned, if you're not at the point of fronting it out, covid gives a wonderful excuse to not know how things work - say you book a hotel stay and aren't sure how checking in etc works, well almost no one else will be either since it will invariably have changed due to covid rules.

Just to reiterate you have nothing to be ashamed of, and I don't make those suggestions to reflect a "need" to hide that you haven't experienced them, but just as a practical method of taking some of the anxiety out of a situation.

@DiscoverTomorrow You sound lovely and highly emotionally intelligent and wise for your years.

Are you able to use humour to hide your anxiety?

As in”. Oh good no, never did sports as a kid, was far to lazy haha. But I wish I had and want to take so thing up, what could you recommend?”

Lead it on to growth.
What experiences could you pick up now? What do you like the look of that you could pick up?

Oh and what you think is a disadvantaged background is actually incredibly powerful.
It can motivate you to learn a lot of skills and grow personally and professionally.

It sounds like working on your boundaries would be helpful. You don't have to share anything with anyone. It's absolutely okay not to tell people the truth about yourself. You get to choose what to disclose.

Practice deflecting in front of the mirror. Have some stock phrases ready if the conversation goes into a place you don't feel comfortable, e.g. if they are all talking about sports simply say you enjoy swimming and leave it at that. I'm such an oversharer that I had to learn to stop talking. When I feel myself doing it in meetings I think about the Mandalorian .

You've done an incredible job in getting to where you are. There are so many exciting things to look forward to, and even some outdoorsy things that you can try right now even in covid. Make yourself a list of 10 new things you want to try in 2021 and go for it.

Hi, yes I had a similar upbringing to you, and first of all well done for getting as far as you have (and I'm sure you've only just scratched the surface and will achieve so much more!) It so easy to get caught up in the shame of growing up in poverty (as if it's even remotely within our control!) that its easy to forget how much you've achieved; getting through University and getting a good job are SO much difficult when you don't have a safety net to fall back on, but you've done it, so well done you, I hope you realise you're amazing.
I was a bit like you, I'd get very flustered, and feel immense shame if I thought my childhood poverty might be 'rumbled' at work, over time I found dealing with it with humour helped, and as I've got older (I'm in my 40s now) I've worked out who I am and I've become much more comfortable in my skin, I 'own' my background a lot more. It does get easier. The advice to ask people about their hobbies, and be interested in what they have to say is excellent too- people really do love talking about things they love!

It took me a while to fill the 'blank slate' that I was as well; people think its strange that you don't know how to fill your spare time, but if like me so much of your childhood was hand to mouth there was just not the resources (either financial or emotional) to develop those parts of yourself as a child. But the truth is, a blank slate is a delicious thing! You're completely free of other peoples expectations of what you should be. Read lots, especially things outside your normal day to day experience- novels, short stories, travel writing, it will nourish your brain and soul, and if anything you read really intrigues you go and experience it and find out more about it if you can- go to the exhibition about it, try the hobby the heroine has in the novel. For example, I read a book set in a Spanish town and went off on my own to explore it- a terrifying but amazing experience! An enriched life starts with an enriched internal life, and if you read lots you'll find your world view expands, you'll always have something interesting to say, and people will enjoy talking to you. Someone advised me go back to those things that brought me joy as a small child, and its great advice. Obviously, with upbringings like ours there wasn't money for horse riding and ballet lessons and the like, but as a small child I loved singing my heart out and dancing around the room. So now I do dance classes and have a singing teacher. I'd forgotten how much I loved these things, and doing it as an adult just for the sheer joy of it is so enriching. A friend of mine volunteers at a community garden, and another rock climbs. Your thing will be unique to you. Don't worry what anyone thinks of it, go explore it and you'll always be great to talk to about it because it will bring you pure joy.

Finally, you've been remarkably free of self pity in your post, it's an admirable trait. Its easy to think of all the things we missed out on as kids, but I think a tougher start in life gives you an amazing resilience- what an amazing skillset you already have to start on this adventure.

You've done well op!

I think someone else above captured what to say succinctly well.

Is what you are looking for called cultural capital. My ideas for building this are:

YouTube things like going to Disneyland Paris via Eurostar, a weekend in common holiday destinations/attractions in the UK and worldwide, Google Street view of Paris or similar to help you get a feel for travelling and Geography.

Seconding looking up bucket or things to do before you turn X age lists and either doing them, learning what it involves online or youtubing it.

Take up running, yoga or pilates at home. Seconding couch to 5k. Join a walking or running group.

Learn more about other people and how they live. Read auto/self biographies and journals of a range of people/famous people e.g. this is going to hurt by Adam Kay. Watch dayinmylife videos on YouTube and Tik Tok for different jobs and people. Use BBC food, magazines, online sited to find recipes and what the latest foods everyone is into and how to make it. Watch more tv in moderation- specifically gameshows/competitions, reality TV, documentaries and gardening/housing stuff.

Join the library if you haven't already. Most also have an online service via RB Digital or Libby so you can read books and magazines online. Try to find books/authors that have been or are popular, some classics.

Learn more using the internet- stocks and shares, gardening, CBT, politics, Greek and Roman mythology and Shakespeare, religions of the world, learn another language or some phrases to help you get by in a particular country etc.

There is so much to unpick from your OP. But I just wanted to say you’ve just as much right to your place in the world as anybody else, no matter what your childhood was like.

My first suggestion would be to book a hotel stay, just a couple of nights, in a town you’ve not been to. That’ll be one thing you hadn’t done before.

Enrichment comes from many sources, and can be quite different from person to person.

I get my enrichment from books, walks in the country, sowing seeds (we just did that this week, for the first time!) and tending my very small courtyard garden, visiting new places and learning new things. I also love handbags and fashion!

You don't have to make yourself more interesting to fit their expectations. Your thoughts are interesting.

What you have is the opportunity to try new things so grab it, I'd say travel but that's tricky at the mo. Maybe save for some holidays and in the mean time do day trips, learn a skill

So sorry you had such a rough time OP, and congratulations for doing so well. I hope you are proud of yourself? You should be. And you will have loads of amazing experience and success ahead of you.

Shame is a complex emotion - you have nothing to be ashamed of, but it can be hard to shed. If you think there is stuff it would be worth unpicking from your childhood it might be worth looking at some counselling, which would also help with shame, but it’s obviously not essential.

Stock phrases like oh no - my family weren’t into sport/music, or - no I haven’t done/been to x bit I’d like to / do you like it / where would you recommend? - are useful - if you don’t want to talk about yourself then flipping the question back can be handy. No one is that interested in anyone else TBH so people aren’t noticing as much as you think.

In terms of gaining more experience that is exciting and should be fun - can you stick up a sheet of paper on your wall and a map so you can start to mark up things you want to do and places you want to go? And have notes for different categories on your phone to stick down ideas?

Maybe think about catagories like food/travel/books/theatre etc and pick one from each category a month do to - travel can be a day trip as much as a 3 week holiday - but it sounds like a weekend away when you can stay on a hotel would be good. If you’d like to try yoga you could book a course, if you like walking join an under 30s branch of the ramblers, there are lots of crafting groups around, meet up groups for going to the theatre etc.

The most important thing to remember is you are valuable in yourself. You don’t need to do these things to be more interesting (you’ve had plenty of challenges to make you interesting) - it’s about what will give you joy - so focus on that. A PP mentioned cultural capital - of course that’s helpful, but it’s a joyless concept, I’d really focus on being as kind and caring as you can to yourself and focus on finding out what gives you pleasure.

I have similar experience ,grew up poor with father with severe MH issues. I felt uncomfortable / inferior possibly ashamed of my background so didnt like talking about it , found some people have no understanding of the privileges and opportunities they have had. Felt awkward about conversations about childhood etc
Usually tried to keep conversation focused on them to avoid talking about myself. Had a few deflective answers ready.
Anyway it gets easier as you get older and childhood perhaps becomes less relevant and you realise that people dont actually judge you on your childhood and if they do they arent worth knowing.

If you can I would travel, go to the theatre, read widely, go to restaurants, you could learn a new skill or take up.a new sport or hobby but honestly just do things you enjoy doing and want to experience. Your experiences may have led you to develop skills they haven't which may help you in future like resilience, empathy and self reliance .

You honestly sound great - clear-sighted and succinct and you’re obviously tenacious and self-motivated. My boss had a tough upbringing (dysfunctional family situation including adoption, extreme poverty) and talks about it at work sometimes and nobody judges him for it, it’s just part of his story. But as pp have said it’s also totally fine to have boundaries and not talk about what makes you uncomfortable.

The things that most enrich my life are...

Trail and fell running
Drawing
Fair isle knitting
Cooking
Gardening
Outdoor swimming
Dressmaking

I am 34, and well aware I sound about 64, but have got to that lovely stage where I no longer give a flying fuck about trying to be cool.