My life is empty, how can I make it more enriched and interesting?

[DiscoverTomorrow]

I'm in my 20s and working my first proper job since university. Ever since university I have struggled with letting people who have had a much different upbringing getting to know me. I never realised how much shame I have around certain things.

I was raised in poverty and so travelling, holidays, meals out, extracurricular activities, etc just were not possible. There were also elements of emotional neglect and emotional abuse which I am only just beginning to unravel and process. Nonetheless, we all experience difficulties and we are all different and so I never really thought about it much. However, I have been surprised with how often a topic of conversation will come up that I feel really uncomfortable talking about because it ends up hitting too close to home. For example, last week my manager was making small talk with me about sports, a fairly benign topic. He asked me if I played any form of sport, which I don't. He then asked if I played any sport growing up and I said no and he was surprised which led the conversation to my colleagues discussing all the swimming lessons and tennis lessons etc they had growing up. I felt really flustered and embarrassed as I could feel the conversation was getting too personal and close to a sensitive issue as the reason I never played sport was because my parents couldn't afford it which is not something I want to disclose to colleagues.

There are so many things I have never done. I live around an hour away from London but never went there to see the sights until I was 21. I have never stayed in a hotel, been abroad, been anywhere more northern in England than Oxford, don't play any sports or instruments, no hobbies, etc. I've never had a boyfriend, although to be honest I don't really want one at the moment, I think my parents' emotionally abusive marriage has put me off. It just feels really empty and like a blank state I want to start filling.

I'm trying my best to build up my life experiences. Has anyone else experienced this and know what sort of things I should do to create a more enriched and interesting life?

(Also, I'm not blaming my childhood or using it as an excuse. I just mentioned it to give context).

I've experienced this OP. I started by going to art galleries - very easy to just wander round on your own and it broadens your horizons. Day trips on the train as well. Hobby wise try something and if you don't like it try something else, I did a pottery class. Once you start trying a few things it will lead you to realise that's okay and try something else. Good luck and well done on where you've got to, maybe consider a bit of counselling to let go of the shame. None of what happened was your fault

Sounds like you are doing great OP. Suggestions above for how to feel more comfortable in those types of conversations are great.

Don't get to caught up in thinking how behind you are. I'm not underestimating the impact of your childhood, but many of the things you mention are pretty normal. Many people who aren't in poverty but aren't rich either can't afford to go on holidays with their kids much, definitely not international holidays. Your 20s is when people usually start to travel, so you are right on track if that's what you want to do. Same with dating. Sure, some people have relationships as teens, but many/most don't. Most people don't play instruments, or have particular hobbies. You haven't missed the boat, you are right on track.

Oh OP I feel for you because I was you. Very poor and neglected upbringing. I was the first in my house to go uni and what a shock that was. I don’t remember doing anything really to fit in but it was very obvious I had to work summer holidays not holiday etc. After uni I moved for work and began to experience a different life. Strangely this made my family really resent me so I have all those issues too.

Like you I have never been on a plane, hotel, restaurant but I just did it and it was great, I was quite open about it too, now I’m 46 I’m in a job where I work with a lot of children who have backgrounds like me and that really helps I’m proud of my background now you should be too IP don’t be ashamed think of all the new things your going to experience. As others have said book yourself a few nights in a hotel to start with, visit a new city or restaurant. I’m an avid reader so am always learning about places from the internet etc. Good luck

Do you think, as suggested, you may have an anxiety issue at play here? I ask that because I didn't eat at restaurants or play an instrument or visit/travel and I would have no qualms telling anyone that my childhood just didn't look like that. I also didn't feel deprived. It is just a different lived experience. Perhaps you could try reframing it as that?

I loved meeting people from diverse social backgrounds at university and work. And I say that as an introvert. Hobbies-wise and enrichment, well, the world is your lobster. What would you like to try?

You're not in an unusal position. When I was in my twenties I got very involved in some campiagning and it completey changed my life. I was part of a local committee setting up events, it was brilliantly sociable as we were putting on festivals and things for fundraising.

So one option would be finding a group engaged in something you are interested in - you 'do good' and you get to meet loads of people.

Would also suggest counselling re. the childhood issues might help

I think the main challenge is your thoughts and feelings about your childhood and family relationships, so if you haven’t done so already and can afford it would seek help about that. Including to discuss any challenges with making new friends or maintaining friendships that you think might be connected.

As for ‘enriching’ your life, would just do things you enjoy and try out new things that appeal to you or that friends suggest.

Do you actually want to form friendships at work? If not and it’s just ‘small talk’ it’s relatively easy, with practice, to ‘deflect’ and still participate in the conversation.

I think your manager, in a group conversation, expressing surprise that you don’t play sports (many, many people don’t!) and asking about your childhood was rude - doubt that’d happen at my work (public sector, good ‘boundaries’ about what we ask people about their personal lives, ‘social mobility’ awareness etc).

I think you need to just own it. Your upbringing is what made you who you are, good and bad, and there is nothing shameful about being brought up poor. Youve succeeded in going to university and are working despite a difficult start in life, and without all the privilege of your colleagues.
Id tell them oh god no, we were far too poor for extra sports. Tell them that you werent posh enough for holidays. Noones going to think badly of you, and if they did, that says a lot more about them than it does about you. They need to realise not everyone has all these enriching childhood experiences and some people had it bloody hard and still manage to make something of themselves

What was your degree in, OP (if you're still reading)? And did you find that enriching in itself? (I guess it depends whether you were able to choose freely or not.) It's perhaps worth remembering that for the rest of your life you'll be meeting people (occasionally) for whom university has been an entirely unachievable dream.

It's noticeable that you don't mention friendship at all. Have you deliberately kept yourself apart from other people, because of the issues you've outlined?

It's not clear whether you have siblings, or not. Do you have any family (other than your parents) with whom you have any sort of bond?

I only ask because it would be good to have someone irl to share your worries, and your adventures with - even if only virtually.

Tell them that you werent posh enough for holidays.

I can't help thinking this might be seen as unnecessarily aggressive - particularly if used towards someone who's just spoken about their own childhood holidays. There's no need to make other people feel at fault for having had experiences you have not had.

Sounds like you hold a lot of shame around your childhood. I grew up very poor (though with very loving parents) and when such conversation come up with friends or colleagues I would just say 'No, we were too poor for anything extra'. It has never occurred to me to be ashamed of something that isn't shameful. Im not criticizing you in telling you this, just giving you any other perspective. No one has ever reacted badly, unkindly or any way actually. The conversation just carries on.

Now you are an adult though, you can decide how you want to live your life.

What judgement do you think people would make if you said we were as poor as church mice? Eg - “we couldn’t afford to do those things”. I think people will admire you for achieving as much as you obviously have. I have a friend who grew up in a very upper class family but her parents were alcoholics and as a toddler her mother would be unconscious and she would have to fend for herself. Having material things doesn’t mean you always experience an easy time. Don’t get yourself into a mindset of thinking that people think they’re better than you because they experienced things differently. They are a product of their upbringing the same way you are a product of yours. You’re still young and you have plenty of time to find the things that interest you. Start off small.... join a group or a club. Have a day trip and do something you’re interested in... it doesn’t have to be socially sanctioned. I’m still experiencing new things and I’m 50 - I’m off to an opera soon which I’ve never done before. I going with my friend who loves the symphony and Opera but had never been to a gig... I went with her to her first gig when she was 34. Life is what you make it.. don’t let your upbringing and fears hold you back from experiencing everything it has to offer.

One thing I realised recently about myself is that my default is that 1 people won't be interested in me, and 2 people wont' particularly like me.
I think due to not particularly abusive childhood. And the upshot is that I struggle greatly to make friends. I'm not sure if you have this roblem. So I hang back about talking about myself and that makes it difficult to bond with someone.
I'm 70 so I was a bit late realising this!
You could join a writing group. Poetry group, running, reading group, art of any sort. This gives you something to talk about and you are talking about the hobby (which could involve stories from your past) but everyone is in the same boat so it's easier. Carry a camera with you if you are going places on your own so you feel less conspicuous because you are 'busy' photographing.

I'm well over 50, had a relatively privileged and culturally rich childhood, but I wouldn't know how to join a group or a club as an adult ... It's just not me. I did 'join' things at university but it never led to anything at all. Since then I make connections with other people through work or study or accommodation ... I am now a member of a group that meets weekly on Zoom, but only because I was invited during lockdown. (Self preservation kicked in, without that group I would have spoken to almost no one I wasn't related to all year.)

I guess what I'm saying is that we all have our own hang ups and difficulties, OP. There may well be things that your work colleagues are each deeply self-conscious or anxious about. Perhaps they go home and talk of you as an example of qualities and skills they wish they had.

This is my advice, find a new hobby. Options are endless but you could try learning French etc. Use your childhood experiences to your advantage as well.

I am not sure that your experience can be attributed to growing up in poverty as much as the parenting you received.

OP, my life blossomed post-uni, after a tough up-bringing.

1] This author is great for the family stuff www.drlindsaygibson.com/books.html

2] Who did you admire as a child? Was there a teacher who talked about going to the theatre? A distant aunt who travelled to Asia? A friend who went horse-riding?

Thinking about what catchs your eye might help.

Yep, same sort of upbringing, very complex if you come from a "normal" family. Never feel inferior due to lack of cash, just say we were skint, then change the subject. That childhood will have made you resourceful and resilient.

I don't work in a job and don't have kids, so I'm very good at deflecting the "what do you do?" questions, which are usually accompanied by a tilty-head look of disbelief...

Do a bit of volunteer work, try some hobbies, then just mention them. People want a quick answer to achieve a connection, then they want to talk mainly about themselves and their own experiences.

Read Brene Brown on shame, it's illuminating. I'd have never thought I was ashamed but DM used it as a tool.

OP don't be ashamed of whete you came from. it is far harder to do what you have from where you began, than from if you start from a more privilege background.
find a hobby you enjoy..what ever that is!

I second Dr Brene Brown. I ve been thinking about this recently, I am in my 40's now and while I did get to do extra stuff as a child it was mostly through free low cost activities. I am the only one in my direct family to have a degree or masters.
My children had more than I did ie music lessons, sports etc. However, compared to their counter parts they ve had less. But i came to the realisation that most people drop these things as they get older and it all levels out in the end.
Libraries are great, you tube tutorials ect great suggestions above. Post Covid you could consider 3 week inter rail type trip. My niece is late twenties and travels alone (safely) all the time. Cooking, choirs, current affairs ect all assessible and good for 'small talk'.

OP I think you should be really proud of what you have already achieved in life. Going to Uni and getting a job with no family support or expectation is not easy. Now you have your own money the world is your oyster. I love swimming and my local pool offers Adult beginner lessons. Think about what you would like to do and investigate the possibility of doing it. You can ask for recommendations on here. Horse riding. Learning a musical instrument. Join a choir. Hope you enjoy yourself and your new horizons.

When they’re open, go to an art gallery. National Gallery in London’s a good start. Find a painting you can see easily from a bench. Sit down, look at it and let yourself think. Stay there half an hour. Don’t edit your thoughts - God that person looks ugly/mean/hot, that dog looks miserable, I love the wallpaper - all those are valid, useful thoughts.

It’s the closest to time travel any of us can get.

In fact, you could centre your Northern pilgrimages around art galleries. I'd highly recommend Edinburgh, Liverpool or Manchester for such a trip (in descending order of plenitude and majesty of art). Sitting on the wall that separates Edinburgh's Dean Gallery from the allotments (assuming they're still there) with an ice cream is the very peak of Summertime bliss. And Manchester's Whitworth gallery is just the grandest, cosiest place in the city.

My own intercity wanderings tend to focus on theatrical productions - another great initiation into an unfamiliar location. With an overnight stay I always build in time fore and aft for a bit of exploration, shopping, eating. If I can time my visit for Evensong at a cathedral - all the better.