My life is empty, how can I make it more enriched and interesting?

[DiscoverTomorrow]

I'm in my 20s and working my first proper job since university. Ever since university I have struggled with letting people who have had a much different upbringing getting to know me. I never realised how much shame I have around certain things.

I was raised in poverty and so travelling, holidays, meals out, extracurricular activities, etc just were not possible. There were also elements of emotional neglect and emotional abuse which I am only just beginning to unravel and process. Nonetheless, we all experience difficulties and we are all different and so I never really thought about it much. However, I have been surprised with how often a topic of conversation will come up that I feel really uncomfortable talking about because it ends up hitting too close to home. For example, last week my manager was making small talk with me about sports, a fairly benign topic. He asked me if I played any form of sport, which I don't. He then asked if I played any sport growing up and I said no and he was surprised which led the conversation to my colleagues discussing all the swimming lessons and tennis lessons etc they had growing up. I felt really flustered and embarrassed as I could feel the conversation was getting too personal and close to a sensitive issue as the reason I never played sport was because my parents couldn't afford it which is not something I want to disclose to colleagues.

There are so many things I have never done. I live around an hour away from London but never went there to see the sights until I was 21. I have never stayed in a hotel, been abroad, been anywhere more northern in England than Oxford, don't play any sports or instruments, no hobbies, etc. I've never had a boyfriend, although to be honest I don't really want one at the moment, I think my parents' emotionally abusive marriage has put me off. It just feels really empty and like a blank state I want to start filling.

I'm trying my best to build up my life experiences. Has anyone else experienced this and know what sort of things I should do to create a more enriched and interesting life?

(Also, I'm not blaming my childhood or using it as an excuse. I just mentioned it to give context).

Would you want to try a sport? There's plenty of adult sports clubs, hockey, netball, football who hold lessons for beginners. Or you could try a few yoga classes - by opening yourself up to these you might find something you really love! I would say start thinking about what you would like to do - cheap weekend in Barcelona when allowed? I would say feel the fear and do it anyway, don't wait for a friend to start just go to that class on your own and if you stick at it you'll not only have more experiences to talk about but may find it brings you a lot of joy and plenty to talk about.

I'm sorry your colleagues spoke to you like that, that was insensitive even if they didint know your background. Good luck OP.

Gosh well the world (COVID, budget, leave allowance permitting) is your oyster.
I'd say learning to drive and ride a bike and swim are good things to get sorted first, because they open the door to souch more. Intersperse learning those with general visiting/trying new stuff and a bit of DuoLingo ten minutes a day and there you go.
Running is not bad for meeting new people and chatting - amusingly the worse you are the more sociable it can be, as you gossip with fellow volunteers when you're injured and just helping out eg at parkrun, and there is a lot of chitchat goes on at the back of the pack. It's also outdoors and so affected less by lockdown.
Just try stuff. Don't be afraid to fail. Chat to people.
Exploring even your own town has never been so easy - Google maps and openstreetmap on your phone, local history info online.
Lots of sports are having novice/introductory sessions now as things open up, so there's that. Climbing seems fairly social and with a reasonably young profile.

Nervous about something, watch a couple of YT videos first.

Have you done much reading of authors who've also had poor childhoods? Jeanette Winterson say? You might find that makes you realise you're not alone.

To me, this sounds like a confidence issue first and foremost. You should be proud of who you are and what you have achieved.

If you find yourself in a similar conversation, a response like "we didn't have a huge amount of money, so extra curricular clubs weren't really an option n". No one is going to think any less of you.

Going forward, just embrace every opportunity you get and remember that you will have many life experiences and will continue learning throughout your life.

I was from a very modest background. I had hobbies, but didn't travel. I found myself at university with friends who went skiing, had big family holidays and Christmases, when I was working 6 days weeks in the holidays to top up my grant (long time ago!). I felt very out of my comfort zone for a long time. But I've done and learnt so much since, just be open to it.

Definitely book a hotel (can't go wrong with a Premier Inn) in a city you don't know, and just explore it. When travel opens up, you can book guided holidays in European cities.

Mainly through, just be confident in who you are and don't feel intimated by others.

Don't worry so much what people think of you - you'll learn as you get older that people aren't that interested about your details - they only care about themselves and the impression they are making.

If you’re looking for specific ideas of things to try until everything opens up I’d have a go at some of these:
1 yoga on ytube. Try yoga with Adrienne
2 madfit does dance based exercise routines. Also Pilates and stretch and yoga
3 try reading some of the books in the top 100 books list
4 read a lonely planet travel guide for an area you would like to go to
5 book a hotel. It can even be in your current city - I know lots of people doing staycations right now
6 try different types of food - either ready meals, take aways or make them yourself. Food is something that often comes up in conversation
7 watch sports on tv or ytube. Eg tennis, football, netball If there’s something that takes your fancy then see if you have a local club
8 I agree that learning to drive, ride a bike and swim would be great skills to have
9 try listening to pod casts - there’s a couple of recent threads with recommendations. I like Stuff you should know and You’re wrong about.
10. Do crafts interest you at all. You can learn to do a lot of things on ytube eg knitting and once things open up there will be classes to go to.

Everyone has a bucket list of things they’d like to try, come up with your own. Warm wishes

Ps with food, somewhere to start might be to buy a different kind of cheese every time you go to the supermarket eg Gouda, blue cheese.

You probably need some counselling.

But I think you're looking at it all wrong. But many of these things can be fixed immediately like Aunty said re the swimming. Book yourself into the gym this week, stay in a hotel in London or the Lake District etc and that's two of them sorted straight away.

Gosh this thread has made me feel awful about my children’s lives 😔

Why so, justanotherneighinparadise?

(If they're still children then the fact you're on MN means they're growing up in a knowledge-rich household, surely?)

Growing up I had most of the experiences the OP lacked - a loving household filled with books and conversation, some weekends when we pretty much stayed in pyjamas, others filled with trips and adventures, music lessons, sport, time spent with playmates and family friends, etc. But perhaps neither the OP, nor your children, ran the risk of hearing racist abuse shouted after them in the street, by other children and by adults? My parents couldn't prevent this happening - but they taught me how to view such people and that armed me for my whole life.

As another poster has said, perhaps it's not poverty in itself that renders a childhood unsatisfactory, but rather the picture of one's life that your parents paint for you. If they emphasise joyfullness, adventure, love - those are the things you remember, at least equally as much as what you lacked.

Gosh this thread has made me feel awful about my children’s lives
Because you think they are missing out? Many of the ideas on here are free such as explore your own town, you tube tutorials. Poverty will be a barrier to some activities but it does not need to be a barrier to imagination. Library membership is free. If they are young the absolute best thing you can do is read to them. Many sports clubs will offer free membership where cost is an issue.

Look at the books by Brene Brown -she also has Ted talks you can watch.
Her subject is "shame".

Your shame over your childhood is misplaced, it is not shameful to have been brought up in poverty and the emotion of shame can cripple us. She will show you how to recognise your shame and free yourself from it.

@MayIDestroyYou

Why so, justanotherneighinparadise?

(If they're still children then the fact you're on MN means they're growing up in a knowledge-rich household, surely?)

Growing up I had most of the experiences the OP lacked - a loving household filled with books and conversation, some weekends when we pretty much stayed in pyjamas, others filled with trips and adventures, music lessons, sport, time spent with playmates and family friends, etc. But perhaps neither the OP, nor your children, ran the risk of hearing racist abuse shouted after them in the street, by other children and by adults? My parents couldn't prevent this happening - but they taught me how to view such people and that armed me for my whole life.

As another poster has said, perhaps it's not poverty in itself that renders a childhood unsatisfactory, but rather the picture of one's life that your parents paint for you. If they emphasise joyfullness, adventure, love - those are the things you remember, at least equally as much as what you lacked.

They’ve never been abroad, they don’t have many extra curricular interests because of covid, lack of interest and now things are opening up again we are moving out the area and I’m putting a hold on signing them up. I get most of their clothes from charity shops or they get hand me downs. My eldest has only been to London once. My youngest has never been.

I just feel like a complete failure.

It's not about going abroad. Hundreds of thousands of families don't/can't do that - it's about being taken to the museum at the other end of town; regularly, so the stories it contains become ingrained as part of your own history.

Why d'you need to 'sign them up' to anything - do you not read with them, listen to music, build dens in the house, make up dance routines, get them to put on impromptu shows, invite friends home, accept invitations, explore your local area, talk about current events, plant seeds and watch them grow (if possible) or keep an eye on a piece of local wilderness, re-cycle stuff, bake, etc, etc, etc ...?