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Original poster

Is my Mum controlling?

54 replies

ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:30

I have had money struggles for quite a long time and because of this I ended up homeless at one point. Everything is OK at the moment, I have been offered a lovely flat in a nice area that is in the private rented sector, so all is good.

It turns out that my Mum has saved my sister's and I £20,000 each and I had no idea about it until recently. Both of my sister have had there's but I haven't. It is only to be used for a deposit on a property (fair enough) but I'm confused as to why I am the only one who has been kept in the dark about this? I literally couldn't feed myself at one point and all this time there was this money that I had no idea about.

This isn't the first time my Mum has kept quiet about money. Several years ago I got some inheritance from my Grandad, on my dad's side, so nothing to do with my mum. Anyway, she ended up not telling me and had the whole amount transferred into her bank account. When she finally did tell me, months later, I had to beg her to let me have it and was only given it in "drips and drabs". Am I missing something here, is this acceptable behaviour? I understand that my mum has saved a lot of money for me but I hate all the secrets and I hate being kept in the dark when my sisters knows the whole story.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:35

Bump

OP posts:
giftswap2020 · 14/05/2021 09:36

Have you asked her why it was kept from you?

Sorry that you went through thisThanks

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:39

@giftswap2020 I have but I never get a straight answer from her. She has the tendency to shut down if she feels she is being confronted.

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AppleKatie · 14/05/2021 09:41

Well the inheritance thing is illegal.

Only you/she know if she’s like this because she’s controlling or because she thinks you can’t be trusted with money for a legitimate reason (drug addiction/gambling etc...).

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:43

Definitely no addictions of any kind just struggled with OCD and another anxiety disorder. That's it

OP posts:
angelaEhen · 14/05/2021 09:43

Maybe she's worried you will waste it, and only wants to give it to you when your in a better position to buy.

Whitegrapewine · 14/05/2021 09:44

Were you an adult when the granddad's money was left you? Was it a bequest to you in the will? If so she has misappropriated the money. Or was she left the estate and put aside some money in her own mind for your house deposit?

If it's money she's saved with you in mind and wants to give it it you, unfortunately the way she does so is up to her.

Sounds like an unpleasant emotional situation though. Did she know how hard up you were? You will need to work out whether it's possible to improve the relationship and whether you can be "heard" by her when you express your quite natural anger and sadness that she didn't help you. It might be good for you to tell her- but she might not be equipped to respond in the way you would like her to. Which is sad. I'm sorry. Flowers

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:46

@angelaEhen

Maybe she's worried you will waste it, and only wants to give it to you when your in a better position to buy.
I get that, I do understand it is a lot of money. What I don't like is not being told when both of my sisters have had theirs. I am the youngest of three so I do feel like I'm still treated like a teenager. I have a 6 year old daughter and am far from irresponsible.
OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:49

@Whitegrapewine

Were you an adult when the granddad's money was left you? Was it a bequest to you in the will? If so she has misappropriated the money. Or was she left the estate and put aside some money in her own mind for your house deposit?

If it's money she's saved with you in mind and wants to give it it you, unfortunately the way she does so is up to her.

Sounds like an unpleasant emotional situation though. Did she know how hard up you were? You will need to work out whether it's possible to improve the relationship and whether you can be "heard" by her when you express your quite natural anger and sadness that she didn't help you. It might be good for you to tell her- but she might not be equipped to respond in the way you would like her to. Which is sad. I'm sorry. Flowers

I was 25 at the time of the inheritance. It wouldn't have been a request in my Grandads will as both of my sisters got there's and I believe my mum told them both to keep quiet about it. It's all a bit confusing.

My mum also knew about my struggles. I have had pretty severe OCD since I was a child.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 14/05/2021 10:13

From what you have written it sounds as if your dm is doing this as she has some concern about you and how you handle money. You say you ended up homeless, was this anything to do with finances?

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 10:18

@crimsonlake

From what you have written it sounds as if your dm is doing this as she has some concern about you and how you handle money. You say you ended up homeless, was this anything to do with finances?
I was working for a friend's family and we had a bit of a falling out because they never paid me on time and I fell into rent arrears, they sacked me then I found out I was pregnant. It was around around time that I had a relapse with my OCD.
OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 10:18

*around this time

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 10:32

I do feel like these circumstances were beyond my control and I wasn't given any help when my daughter was born even though my mum had my inheritance.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 14/05/2021 10:47

I was 25 at the time of the inheritance. It wouldn't have been a request in my Grandads will as both of my sisters got there's and I believe my mum told them both to keep quiet about it. It's all a bit confusing

The previous poster was asking if this was a bequest in the will ie your grandfather specifically left you and your sisters a share of his estate. If it was then what your mum has done could well be illegal.

If your mum just shared out the money that was left to her, then she's done nothing wrong legally. It may not be kind, but she may have her reasons.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 10:49

@knittingaddict

I was 25 at the time of the inheritance. It wouldn't have been a request in my Grandads will as both of my sisters got there's and I believe my mum told them both to keep quiet about it. It's all a bit confusing

The previous poster was asking if this was a bequest in the will ie your grandfather specifically left you and your sisters a share of his estate. If it was then what your mum has done could well be illegal.

If your mum just shared out the money that was left to her, then she's done nothing wrong legally. It may not be kind, but she may have her reasons.

It 100% was money for my sister's and I, we all got an equal share. My dad passed away when I was a teenager and the money was actually meant for him but because he died it was split between the grandchildren. The money had nothing to do with my Mum
OP posts:
knittingaddict · 14/05/2021 11:06

In that case she was totally in the wrong, although I wonder why the executor didn't distribute it directly to you and your sisters. That is what usually happens if you are all adults. Do you know who administered the will or probate?

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:09

@knittingaddict

In that case she was totally in the wrong, although I wonder why the executor didn't distribute it directly to you and your sisters. That is what usually happens if you are all adults. Do you know who administered the will or probate?
This is the thing I was only told afterwards. My sisters ended up telling me. This is what I mean by being kept in the dark.
OP posts:
Crazylikechocolate · 14/05/2021 11:27

The inheritance money left to your late father, unless it was written into the will at the time that money would normally go to your mother when your father died as she is his next of kin, so if this is the case she is sharing out between you and your sisters what should be hers
Perhaps looking at this from your mother's perspective she's trying to help you actually have a decent amount to put as a deposit for a house rather than wasting it on day to day living

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:31

Ok I don't think I have made this clear. The inheritance from my Grandad was given out when he was alive. He's from another country and there were some issues with the banks over there and people were losing their money. He gave the inheritance to us early because he was scared he was going to lose it. He specifically said it was for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:33

@Crazylikechocolate

The inheritance money left to your late father, unless it was written into the will at the time that money would normally go to your mother when your father died as she is his next of kin, so if this is the case she is sharing out between you and your sisters what should be hers Perhaps looking at this from your mother's perspective she's trying to help you actually have a decent amount to put as a deposit for a house rather than wasting it on day to day living
I'm a mother so can see it from both sides and I would never let my daughter and her baby go without while I had her inheritance money. The money she has saved, fair enough, but the inheritance had nothing to do with her.
OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 14/05/2021 11:35

The inheritance money left to your late father, unless it was written into the will at the time that money would normally go to your mother when your father died as she is his next of kin, so if this is the case she is sharing out between you and your sisters what should be hers

I am not an expert but fairly sure this is incorrect.

If o/p’s father is deceased then the grandfathers nok is his grandchildren, not the widow.

I inherited from an aunt on my dads side- because he was deceased the money went to me, definitely not my mum.

Once a marriage is ended (death or divorce) then the surviving partner is no longer nok for inheritance.

Be like kate becoming queen if william died. The titles etc goes straight to her children.

Crazylikechocolate · 14/05/2021 11:37

In that case it's difficult to say what's going on with your mum , but to be fair it sounds like she has your best interests to heart as she has saved you a lot of her own money too, to use as a deposit on a house .
Sorry you have been through a rough time Thanks Sounds like your getting yourself sorted out now Smile

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 14/05/2021 11:38

Can you ask your sisters why she has kept these things from you? It would be strange to ask them not to tell you, but not give them the reason why. They may have just accepted what she said unquestioningly, but given that they have told you she kept you in the dark I think that's unlikely.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:40

@Crazylikechocolate

In that case it's difficult to say what's going on with your mum , but to be fair it sounds like she has your best interests to heart as she has saved you a lot of her own money too, to use as a deposit on a house . Sorry you have been through a rough time Thanks Sounds like your getting yourself sorted out now Smile
But I couldn't feed myself at one point, is that really having my best interests at heart? I'm not so sure
OP posts:
MotherOfGodWeeFella · 14/05/2021 11:41

The inheritance from the grandfather wasn't a bequest in his will as he was still alive when he gave it to the OP's mother. Discussion about who inherits when an adult child dies is irrelevant. The only thing we don't know if what the grandfather's wishes were in respect of the distribution of the money he paid his DiL for his grandchildren.