Is my Mum controlling?

[ColumbiaAGroupie]

I have had money struggles for quite a long time and because of this I ended up homeless at one point. Everything is OK at the moment, I have been offered a lovely flat in a nice area that is in the private rented sector, so all is good.

It turns out that my Mum has saved my sister's and I £20,000 each and I had no idea about it until recently. Both of my sister have had there's but I haven't. It is only to be used for a deposit on a property (fair enough) but I'm confused as to why I am the only one who has been kept in the dark about this? I literally couldn't feed myself at one point and all this time there was this money that I had no idea about.

This isn't the first time my Mum has kept quiet about money. Several years ago I got some inheritance from my Grandad, on my dad's side, so nothing to do with my mum. Anyway, she ended up not telling me and had the whole amount transferred into her bank account. When she finally did tell me, months later, I had to beg her to let me have it and was only given it in "drips and drabs". Am I missing something here, is this acceptable behaviour? I understand that my mum has saved a lot of money for me but I hate all the secrets and I hate being kept in the dark when my sisters knows the whole story.

My mum isn't well off or anything but she's comfortable. She was working full time until a couple of years ago and I know she has paid off her mortgage because she's told me.

I moved in with my mum for a little bit but we clash when we live together so it really wasn't a good idea. My sister has a family and not enough room and my other sister lived far away.

It sounds as though you have a difficult strained relationship with your mum.

Although your sisters were gifted house deposits, you're not legally entitled to money from your mum, particularly as your relationship with her has deteriorated? It seems unfair I know.

I'm pleased you've got back on your feet and have a new place to live. Perhaps it's best for your own mental health to let the bitterness and resentment over money go? You've asked your mum and she's refused to speak to you. You also have no legal entitlement to money paid into your mum's account from your grandfather, unfortunately. Although you've now received most of that in instalments from her.

I certainly wouldn't make any plans assuming you'll receive money from your mum.

@SmileyClare

It sounds as though you have a difficult strained relationship with your mum.

Although your sisters were gifted house deposits, you're not legally entitled to money from your mum, particularly as your relationship with her has deteriorated? It seems unfair I know.

I'm pleased you've got back on your feet and have a new place to live. Perhaps it's best for your own mental health to let the bitterness and resentment over money go? You've asked your mum and she's refused to speak to you. You also have no legal entitlement to money paid into your mum's account from your grandfather, unfortunately. Although you've now received most of that in instalments from her.

I certainly wouldn't make any plans assuming you'll receive money from your mum.

Oh I don't expect anything, but it has been helpful to get others opinions as this is something I've never really spoke to anyone about before. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

@ColumbiaAGroupie

I haven't, I just asked why my sisters have received their's. Do I not have a right to ask when I am being treated differently? It's the same with the money from my Grandad. I'm completely ignored.

To me, this is the crux of the matter: your sisters have received their share, and you haven't. As you are not and never have been an addict (which would change the picture considerably) your mother is being very controlling. Playing you off against your sisters, who knows why really but it's a depressingly common family dynamic.

My father was similar. My brothers would be given money; I wouldn't be. (What had happened would emerge by accident, when one or other of my brothers would mention the giving, assuming that I had had my share.) Or we would all be offered the same amount of money but Dad would "insist" that I, and only I, spend it on such-and-such (usually, something I neither needed nor wanted!). Stuff that. I turned down these offers of money after a while because they came with so many convoluted expectations: it just wasn't worth it.

It is basically using money as a weapon and it is very unpleasant. I don't know if your sisters sympathize with you or not over this, or whether they think that your mother is completely reasonable and that it is you who is in the wrong. Of course you have the right to ask them that but I wouldn't hold my breath that you're going to get a useful answer.

Does your mother play her children off against each other in other ways? Ways not to do with money? I think that discussing all this with a good therapist might help you untangle it all. You've had a bad deal here and sound very much like the family scapegoat. That absolutely does not reflect badly on you, it reflects badly on your mother, but that's something she will probably never realize.