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Original poster

Is my Mum controlling?

54 replies

ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 09:30

I have had money struggles for quite a long time and because of this I ended up homeless at one point. Everything is OK at the moment, I have been offered a lovely flat in a nice area that is in the private rented sector, so all is good.

It turns out that my Mum has saved my sister's and I £20,000 each and I had no idea about it until recently. Both of my sister have had there's but I haven't. It is only to be used for a deposit on a property (fair enough) but I'm confused as to why I am the only one who has been kept in the dark about this? I literally couldn't feed myself at one point and all this time there was this money that I had no idea about.

This isn't the first time my Mum has kept quiet about money. Several years ago I got some inheritance from my Grandad, on my dad's side, so nothing to do with my mum. Anyway, she ended up not telling me and had the whole amount transferred into her bank account. When she finally did tell me, months later, I had to beg her to let me have it and was only given it in "drips and drabs". Am I missing something here, is this acceptable behaviour? I understand that my mum has saved a lot of money for me but I hate all the secrets and I hate being kept in the dark when my sisters knows the whole story.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:41

@MotherOfGodWeeFella

Can you ask your sisters why she has kept these things from you? It would be strange to ask them not to tell you, but not give them the reason why. They may have just accepted what she said unquestioningly, but given that they have told you she kept you in the dark I think that's unlikely.
I think she still views me like a child as I am the youngest.
OP posts:
MajorMujer · 14/05/2021 11:41

Yes she is controlling in regards to the inheritance, I'm not sure about the savings tbh .

Gassylady · 14/05/2021 11:44

Would she agree to you putting it directly into a LISA which is designed to be used for a house deposit and the government also make a contribution

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Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 11:48

I actually have a help to buy ISA which I put money into every month and have done for over a year now, she knows about it so I have a feeling she wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

OP posts:
depopsa · 14/05/2021 12:36

My mother is similar and I deal with it by not counting on her money and letting her know it. She used to dangle it in front of me with all sorts of (fake and genuine) concerns about me not being able to manage it. She only gave me the money because she didn't want to be seen as favouring my siblings over me and wanted them to have it. When my sister was not considered to tow the line enough anymore either, she came up with a construct that seemed equal on the surface but actually left my brother with a big financial advantage.

The real reason my mum doesn't want to give me money is that I don't live my life in the way she had planned out for me. I'm actually pretty good with money but don't chase it as a goal in life. The funny thing is that since I started telling her I don't actually want it (complications related to her ill-thought out inheritance structure), she has started to put it in my account unasked. Fine with me, I can well use it, but I don't let her use it to upset me anymore.

Heartofglass12345 · 14/05/2021 13:08

She is being controlling.
Its nice that she saved the money for you, but she could have give you some of it when you were homeless! What if you didn't want to buy a house, what would she do with the money then?
And as for not telling you about your money from your grandad, that is awful! It was your money not hers.
She is treating you like a child when you're a grown woman with your own child!

knittingaddict · 14/05/2021 13:10

@ColumbiaAGroupie

Ok I don't think I have made this clear. The inheritance from my Grandad was given out when he was alive. He's from another country and there were some issues with the banks over there and people were losing their money. He gave the inheritance to us early because he was scared he was going to lose it. He specifically said it was for us.
That's not an inheritance then and changes everything.
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:12

What is it then?

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:14

@Heartofglass12345

She is being controlling. Its nice that she saved the money for you, but she could have give you some of it when you were homeless! What if you didn't want to buy a house, what would she do with the money then? And as for not telling you about your money from your grandad, that is awful! It was your money not hers. She is treating you like a child when you're a grown woman with your own child!
It's for a house and that's it, I told her I didn't think I would ever be in the position to buy a property.
OP posts:
knittingaddict · 14/05/2021 13:16

A gift. You get an inheritance when someone dies and the rules are very strict. No such legalities over a gift.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:17

She used to dangle I in front of me with all sorts of (fake and genuine) concerns

This is exactly what I feel like she is doing, and if I ever try and challenge it she completely shuts down and will stop talking to me completely.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 14/05/2021 13:21

She is being controlling but probably to make sure you keep the £20k intact. In all honesty had you been given access to it last year, would there be any left? She's actually doing you a favour - she's saved a big chunk of money for you & I do think she should get some say in how it's spent. It might be the only chance you have to buy a property as you will need a hefty deposit. If you're in and out of work then it would be easy to get through it. Also it would affect your benefits if you have savings over 16k. I think you should be grateful to her for helping you out tbh.

converseandjeans · 14/05/2021 13:22

This is exactly what I feel like she is doing, and if I ever try and challenge it she completely shuts down and will stop talking to me completely.

It sounds like you're asking for the money that she's saved for you. I'm not surprised she's ignoring you.

converseandjeans · 14/05/2021 13:23

I would never challenge my parents about money like that. If it's offered then great, but it's rude to demand to know when you're getting it.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:25

I haven't, I just asked why my sisters have received their's. Do I not have a right to ask when I am being treated differently? It's the same with the money from my Grandad. I'm completely ignored.

OP posts:
Horehound · 14/05/2021 13:25

To me it's clearly controlling.

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:26

@converseandjeans

She is being controlling but probably to make sure you keep the £20k intact. In all honesty had you been given access to it last year, would there be any left? She's actually doing you a favour - she's saved a big chunk of money for you & I do think she should get some say in how it's spent. It might be the only chance you have to buy a property as you will need a hefty deposit. If you're in and out of work then it would be easy to get through it. Also it would affect your benefits if you have savings over 16k. I think you should be grateful to her for helping you out tbh.
I am grateful but what about the money she kept secret from me that was mine?
OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:28

The thing is I'm actually good with money, yes, I fell on some hard times but I have sorted that out all on my own, without any help. I save money every month. Its actually not about the money, its the feeling that I am treated differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:34

@knittingaddict

A gift. You get an inheritance when someone dies and the rules are very strict. No such legalities over a gift.
So does that mean that I legally had no right to it at all even though it was my grandads wishes?
OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 14/05/2021 13:37

I would just tell her you don't want the 20k anyway if there are conditions attached to it. It's not worth it!
My in laws gifted us 20k a couple of years ago and we didn't even see most of it. It got spent on bills and the house we own and have to spend loads of money on lol. But they didn't ask us anything about it afterwards.
Have you had all the money intended for you off your grandad?

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:40

To be honest I don't even know of I've had all the money as I was never told a specific figure. I was given it in bits here and there but only after I begged her for it.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 14/05/2021 13:40

So does that mean that I legally had no right to it at all even though it was my grandads wishes?

If your grandad was still alive he should have made sure it went to you. If it was your gift why on earth did he give it to your mum to give to you?
And why did he not tell you himself?

He should have paid you directly, or spoken to you about it, and checked you recieved it. Do you speak to your grandfather? Has he not wondered why you never thanked him, or asked what you spent it on?

Original poster
ColumbiaAGroupie · 14/05/2021 13:45

@bluebluezoo

So does that mean that I legally had no right to it at all even though it was my grandads wishes?

If your grandad was still alive he should have made sure it went to you. If it was your gift why on earth did he give it to your mum to give to you?
And why did he not tell you himself?

He should have paid you directly, or spoken to you about it, and checked you recieved it. Do you speak to your grandfather? Has he not wondered why you never thanked him, or asked what you spent it on?

To be honest I only ever met my Grandfather a couple of times. He didn't speak English so I think everything was done through his daughter, my dad's sister. I have a feeling it went to my mum fir her to share out because they wouldn't have to pay as much tax on it. But I'm not sure of the details, obviously.
OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 14/05/2021 13:45

Can you speak to your sisters about it? And ask how much they had? She's basically stolen from you Sad

SmileyClare · 14/05/2021 13:51

It sounds as though your grandfather paid a sum to your mum to be shared out between his granddaughters. He may have done this to avoid legalities such as inheritance tax.

Perhaps your mum had money struggles herself? Widowed with three (?) children. Does she also suffer with mental health issues?

It's very difficult to get a feel for your situation. Is there a reason you didn't return home when pregnant and homeless? Or turn to your older sisters for help?