Managing ILs visiting new baby

[Pravi123]

I’m due my 4th baby in a few months. We have the ILs visiting as soon as it’s legal to do so and I know they are going to want to arrange their next visit to the new baby when it’s born. This has been a source of great stress each time I’ve had a baby.

There is too much history to set it all out. In a nutshell, MIL wants to ‘play mum’ to new babies and wants me to bugger off and leave her to it (impossible not to mention undesirable with a newborn). She is frail, and not someone I would leave unattended with a baby. She disagrees with car seats, sids advice and breastfeeding. She’s also wholly unrealistic in her expectations, for example, she got really upset when we declined her offer of ‘help’ when she asked us to send dc1 to stay with her for a week when he was 6 weeks old (without DH or me).

Each time we’ve had a baby they have visited for several days (staying overnight) towards the end of week one. I’ve had huge problems establishing breastfeeding with each baby and difficult deliveries and/or c section each time.

They live about 4 hours drive away and will be offended if we suggest a hotel rather than stay at ours. We have no guest bedroom. I will have a c section again with this one. How can DH phrase the news that they aren’t visiting in the first few weeks such that the boundary is clear and they don’t push it forward by a week (or two!) and arrive in week one like before? And so they don’t get offended (because they are prone to getting offended and that causes us grief).

In the past DH has tried to explain that I’ve had a difficult delivery or that the baby is not sleeping well and I’m tired and in pain and not ‘ready’ for visitors but their attitude is that they aren’t visiting me they are visiting him and the baby so I can just go back to bed and leave MIL to it.

Please don’t say I have a DH problem - we’re a good team and he’s brilliant, this is something we both find difficult (him in particular) and I want to help him get it right this time. We need a plan as to how to handle it so we are on the same page when the discussion comes up! Any suggestions welcome, also, any suggestions as to what is a reasonable visit and reasonable time are welcome too!

I’m so sorry you are having to worry about this when you should be concentrating on the most imports at stuff.
Since I’ve been on mumsnet ( from the very beginning) mother in law ridiculousness has never failed to appal me. I’ve learned how not to be a mother in law from my own mother in law! And I’ve made it clear every time a grandchild has been born that I’ll come when they decide, help in whatever way they decide etc
I’ve also told them to tell me straight if I’m getting it wrong.
You will be an e celebrate mother in law!
Hope you get it sorted before the baby is here

Excellent that should say

Redirect her calls to people on this thread. We’ll deal with her.

How about “That’s not an option...” on repeat.

Ahhh what drama! You really don't need to be thinking about all of this silliness when you're about to have a baby!

When I've had my children I've shipped myself and existing children to my parents' home- it's been fab. Mum is a gatekeeper to visitors and my Inlaws haven't visited till I've got home. Probably helps that parents live in a different country! However, maybe this could be an option for you. Where you and baby and/or DCs go stay with your mum and Inlaws can visit/stay with you at your mums or at your home is only 5 mins away, stay there with DH/older DCs etc?

I can understand that it's difficult to have the 'don't come yet' conversations with ILs who just don't get it and you shouldn't have to accommodate them- maybe it's easier to remove yourself from the whole situation and stay with your mum?

Good luck!

Yes, I think the reason the “don’t come yet” conversation is so difficult is because you’re basically saying outloud that you see their visits as a chore not a help. Deep down MiL isn’t interested in helping me at all for my sake but she has a very fragile ego and me taking help from my mum rather than handing my baby over to MiL for the weekend will hurt her ego. She wants to be perceived as being needed and wanted and she wants to tell her chronies that I can’t cope so she had to rush up and look after the new baby (I’m pretty sure that’s what she’ll tell people regardless which is fine by me!) In a weird way, she’d accept it more if I didn’t have her because I didn’t need help generally rather than because I didn’t want her personally. Going to my mums is like saying I need help but I don’t want it from you. Which is of course true.

I think the fact that MiL is completely shameless doesn’t help. She’ll ask questions designed to make you feel awkward / guilty in the hope that you’ll give in rather than give the awkward answer.

It’s quite a complex situation to manage because of MIL’s personality and I wish DH would just give up and recognise that we’re not going to strike some kind of magic balance between having our own space and meeting MIL’s needs/wants!

@Justilou1

Let them bloody be offended! Who cares???

This is the nutshell right here.

Why is it that YOU can’t be offended by their unspeakable rudeness at insisting on visits whe it’s clearly way too much for you and your family @Pravi123?

No visits this time DM, we don’t have the room and it’s too exhausting for all of us to cater to others when it’s all so new. We’ll let you know when we’re ready, and we’ll send some recommendations for a bnb somewhere close

Then honestly ignore the fallout

I meant the bold text to be quotes 🙃

Oh and DM was specifically used, because your h will be telling them this.

even if you have to compose the text on his phone so he can hit send

You are missing how powerful you are in this situation.

MIL is desperate to see the baby. Only you and your DH can provide access to the baby.

At the moment MIL is running rings around you but actually, the people who hold all the cards here are you and your DH - because you actually have the baby.

Your SIL knows this - effectively her approach is to say 'MIL do this or no baby' and MIL knows she means it and sucks it up.

You and your DH instead worry about offending people, being nice etc etc and instead, well this is where you end up. You need to reframe the situation in your heads as one where you are the most important and powerful people, whose needs come first, and everyone else is second.

Settle on one clear message, for example - 'This time our house is too crowded for you to stay as we have the other DCs. We are happy for you to come x weeks after the birth but it will have to be in a hotel/AirBnB' and stick to it. No other message, use exactly the same words, no deviation.

She can be offended if she likes but ultimately she will have to do it because otherwise, no baby.

I agree with @AnnaMagnani, you hold all the cards.

They also insisted on sleeping in our bed (because guests should have the bed!) which meant I was on a blow up mattress in the spare room 3 days after a section. Which if you’ve had a section you’ll be wincing at.

This is honestly one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever read on here. @Alexapissoff I’m so sorry you went through that, and very glad you were tougher for your next baby.

Is your MIL my MIL? First time round her very unhelpful visit so early in Dds life made the first week an absolute misery. It hindered my ability to feed and contributed to the PND that followed.

Second time round we simply said “no ones visiting for at least two weeks and then we’ll review”. We deleted any voicemails and messages that contained emotional blackmail without replying. The standard reply to the bleating and wailing on the telephone was blocked with “this is our choice and we’re sticking to it”. She was forever trying to make “compromises” that only benefitted her. After 3 weeks we let them visit for a day and that was stressful enough. She expected to be waited on whilst she held the baby....In contrast my aunt came for a few days, stayed in a hotel and barely held the baby because she was occupying my eldest, cleaning my house and cooking food.

You’ve got to set the firm boundaries now. There’s that old MN adage - no is a complete sentence.

They also insisted on sleeping in our bed (because guests should have the bed!) which meant I was on a blow up mattress in the spare room 3 days after a section. Which if you’ve had a section you’ll be wincing at

I've never heard of that rule. I'm a pretty sociable person and often have overnight guests, but they NEVER sleep in my bed ! You need to stop that now and never entertain such a ridiculous suggestion.

They slept in your bed 3 days after you had had a section and you are still scared of upsetting them??

Come on, release your tiger!

Where was your husband in all of this, he let the woman who had birthed his baby sleep on a blow up mattress rather than upset his mother. Is he a nice kind man - well not to you he isn't.

I think some assertiveness training is urgently required for both of you.

@AnnaMagnani

They slept in your bed 3 days after you had had a section and you are still scared of upsetting them??

Come on, release your tiger!

Where was your husband in all of this, he let the woman who had birthed his baby sleep on a blow up mattress rather than upset his mother. Is he a nice kind man - well not to you he isn't.

I think some assertiveness training is urgently required for both of you.

We were young at the time (22) and didn’t have the guts to stand up to them. Next babies I was 34 and 40 (last year), things couldn’t be anymore different!

We both grew up and grew some balls after our first was born. There are now very clear boundaries in place.

So you are more worried about offending someone who is utterly inconsiderate and will probably find something to be offended about, than your own health and wellbeing?

You cant do "something" just because not doing it is offensive. You have to work out what is reasonable. You are aware that turning up on someone's doorstep weeks after they have given birth is not OK. Nor is all the playing at being mum. So you say no, and draw your boundaries. If they want to visit they stay in a hotel or bnb, it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Phew! Sometimes with these people they are so breathtaking, you can't believe it is happening, can you?

It's also perfectly normal for a woman who has given birth to prefer help from her own mother, you have a closer bond and feel more comfortable with your own mother while you are vulnerable.

So heading to your Mum's after is a reasonable thing to do and if MIL is offended, so be it.

It can be hard when you are in the thick if it to see whether what you are doing is ok or offensive. But really it is perfectly normal for a new mother to call the shots after giving birth and everyone just has do go with what she wants.

Oh god that sounds exhausting. Agree with other posters. Stop thinking about MIL’s feelings - she’s not getting the message. Prioritise your own, your children’s, your husband’s and your own mother’s feelings. They can’t come and stay unless you actually let them. So directly tell them, please stay in a hotel. It’s so hard - but sadly I have it the other way around and I’d say that’s even harder - a brilliant intuitive MIL and railroading mother. More difficult as it’s even more guilt-inducing to risk upsetting your own mother!

@AnnaMagnani

Phew! Sometimes with these people they are so breathtaking, you can't believe it is happening, can you?

Yes, which is why people get away with things in the first instance. They were already outside my door when I got home from hospital, they walked in and put their things in our bedroom as they were the guests. Then took my baby out of my arms and pretended I didn’t exist.

It’s easy now to look back and say I should have told them to get out, but I was 22, had just had a traumatic birth, we were both utterly shell shocked. I don’t think I processed it until months later.

She may WANT to be seen to be helpful, but she needs to be told that she isn’t seen that way because she doesn't even pretend to be helpful at all. Fuck the ego.

@Alexapissoff I’m glad you got more assertive with age - I would have been the same at 22 but I’m much more assertive 10 years on!

I’m totally unbothered about offending MiL but I don’t want my DH having to deal with the fallout. We’ve had a rule for many years that I don’t engage and he deals with everything to do with them because we both found that they had more of a problem with me setting boundaries than him. If I said no to things she’d ring him and try and slate me to him etc. He also wanted to be in control of how things were handled which is understandable. But it’s left me feeling quite out of control - I don’t feel like I can speak my mind - e.g. “don’t stand up when you’re holding the baby” because DH wants to be the one to say anything controversial, so I sit on the edge of my seat waiting for him to step in for me which he usually does but it means that he always has to be there as well. It’s quite stressful. Especially given that I’m naturally v independent and like to think that I’m totalling in control of my own life in all other respects.

I’ve decided that I’ll find any visit a lot less stressful if I find my voice again and start saying whatever I want when I want rather than holding back. I’ll pre warn my DH that I’m changing the rules!