Managing ILs visiting new baby

[Pravi123]

I’m due my 4th baby in a few months. We have the ILs visiting as soon as it’s legal to do so and I know they are going to want to arrange their next visit to the new baby when it’s born. This has been a source of great stress each time I’ve had a baby.

There is too much history to set it all out. In a nutshell, MIL wants to ‘play mum’ to new babies and wants me to bugger off and leave her to it (impossible not to mention undesirable with a newborn). She is frail, and not someone I would leave unattended with a baby. She disagrees with car seats, sids advice and breastfeeding. She’s also wholly unrealistic in her expectations, for example, she got really upset when we declined her offer of ‘help’ when she asked us to send dc1 to stay with her for a week when he was 6 weeks old (without DH or me).

Each time we’ve had a baby they have visited for several days (staying overnight) towards the end of week one. I’ve had huge problems establishing breastfeeding with each baby and difficult deliveries and/or c section each time.

They live about 4 hours drive away and will be offended if we suggest a hotel rather than stay at ours. We have no guest bedroom. I will have a c section again with this one. How can DH phrase the news that they aren’t visiting in the first few weeks such that the boundary is clear and they don’t push it forward by a week (or two!) and arrive in week one like before? And so they don’t get offended (because they are prone to getting offended and that causes us grief).

In the past DH has tried to explain that I’ve had a difficult delivery or that the baby is not sleeping well and I’m tired and in pain and not ‘ready’ for visitors but their attitude is that they aren’t visiting me they are visiting him and the baby so I can just go back to bed and leave MIL to it.

Please don’t say I have a DH problem - we’re a good team and he’s brilliant, this is something we both find difficult (him in particular) and I want to help him get it right this time. We need a plan as to how to handle it so we are on the same page when the discussion comes up! Any suggestions welcome, also, any suggestions as to what is a reasonable visit and reasonable time are welcome too!

Yes tell them a different date for starters then Dh needs to be firmer
They need to stay in a hotel and if they want to help they can take older dcs out for a few hours
Dh needs to be a firmer gatekeeper if he seriously cannot do that then use someone else

The problem is, it doesn’t look like there is a way of dealing with it without offending them, unless you capitulate and give her what she wants. So you either offend her or have her to stay! I’d go with offending her personally.

Really feel for you and you do just need to accept that they will be offended.

I had a baby 4 weeks ago, traumatic delivery and I really struggled the first few weeks. Not quite the same but we had a steady stream of people asking to visit from literally day 1 out of hospital. I cried and told me husband to tell them all no. A couple of people have been offended but most understood. And most importantly we had that time at home as a family to recover and bond and establish feeding etc.

Honestly I would let her be offended. I had similar with my mil and ds1. She completely took over while I was recovering from a traumatic birth and it strongly contributed to my pnd. She was at the house for 4 days and I was barely allowed to hold my own baby. I was already struggling to bond with him as it was. We were tiptoeing around her demands and trying not to offend her and as a result what I needed was ignored. With dc2 I didn’t make the same mistake. She huffed and puffed about it but whatever. You’re the one giving birth, looking after a new baby and 3 other children. Her wants shouldn’t come at the expense of your needs.

We’ve agreed to tell them a date two weeks later than the actual date and then ‘surprise’ the baby will arrive early. That may buy us some time.

It’s true that unless she gets her own way she’ll be offended. The key for me is that despite offending her I act reasonably and politely throughout, that way I don’t need to feel any guilt!

My SIL (their daughter) manages them really well. She’s so blunt and they just accept it. She’d say something along the lines of “no, I really don’t want you to visit for the first three weeks, you can come after that and you’ll need to stay in a hotel.” And they would just accept it. DH is a gentler person, more accommodating and easy going and more susceptible to being guilt tripped and they take advantage of that.

I had the same problem (with in laws and my own parents). But I don’t care who I offend. My children are my children and I don’t do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Dh got it out of MIL that she feels that she never got to enjoy her children because her mum and. Mother in law always wanted them, Dh and his sister spent weeks in the holidays away with them etc. She says now it’s time to enjoy her grandchildren as it’s just the way things go.

I’m sorry but fuck that. I had my children for me and Dh, not for anyone else.

And before anyone says it, I have a 19 year old Ds - hopefully he won’t have children for a good few years, but when he does, I can tell you I won’t be over bearing. Because it’s not fair to be like that.

I was goingbto suggest exactly what your SIL would say. Say that, and don't budge from it . They may well get offended but that's on them, not you . Also, don't feel like you have to explain why to them.

They are 5 hrs away? You can simply not mention the birth has taken place if it takes place prior to 2 weeks overdue? Probably your max window if they know your due date. Presume you will be having an ELCS at 39 weeks? Do they know exactly when that is?

Covid risk for newborns - no visitors until baby is 6 weeks old and has had first vaccinations. Zoom calls, bobs your uncle. Your mum will be picking kids up on doorstep to do school runs. Need to avoid any newborn with granny pics on social media.

Hotel. Can you afford to pay 1/2 nights and then remove the negotiation point entirely? Then book dates that suit you both.

No. Is an option.

Overnighter in the playroom sounds like the way forward to me. Nice early morning quality time with her older grandchildren. Hopefully she's a bit of a neat freak and will tidy it up for you.

There are other options.
The kids have nits; chickenpox (risk of shingles); streaming head colds; gastro bug from school. They don't sound like the white knight types that will pile into help?

@ImFree2doasiwant

I was goingbto suggest exactly what your SIL would say. Say that, and don't budge from it . They may well get offended but that's on them, not you . Also, don't feel like you have to explain why to them.

Your SIL has already set precedent here and will presumably be supportive. Get DH to get her to start bending their ear now. "I hope you will give X the same time with her newborn"

Lie about dates and then they won't hassle

You have to decide who is more important. MIL getting what she wants or your recovery, establishing breastfeeding, bonding, risk of pnd, having to host and impact on your other children. Personally her getting to play mummy is not more important than all of that. You will regret letting her and the mummy in you needs to put your family first. You need to do it for them. She will be pissed off no matter what as she is not reasonable. So you will always be giving to keep her happy and it will never be reasonable and she will never appreciate it. Do it now and it will get easier and easier to say no. There will be a lifetime of her treating you like this so best to sort it now.
In my experience once you show you mean no, they fall into line as you have the upper hand as you are the mum. Just show them that they can moan and whine but you wont budge. Don't get drawn into big discussions either. Just stay calm and repeat that you aren't ready for visitors yet/don't have the space as it's too disruptive for the children etc. So many reasonable excuses! But stick to one or they will try and argue and talk about you behind your back

Can you get SIL on board and get her to speak to them?

You and your DH are pleasers. Your SIL handles them right and you’ve seen how they respond to her. It’s YOUR house and YOUR baby. Just say, “no”. If they are offended that’s their lookout and their perception of your behaviour. Everyone else on this planet, this thread, your family, your friends would not think you are unreasonable. Let go of pleasing them, let it go! All this angst would melt away! It would be so freeing. You’re not causing trouble or starting bad feeling. You are putting up a boundary. It’s a positive step! You and DH can do it together.

You don't need to make up imaginary guests or lie about your child's birth date (when would you confess to that? Or would you keep that going forever?) you don't need to tiptoe around them and feel uncomfortable in your own home with your own baby.

Just tell them no and stick to it. If they get offended that sounds like a them problem, don't stress it.

I remember the anxiety I got from stressing about his parents, when I should have been looking forward to the birth.
I get it 💐

It's perfectly reasonable to want to have some control over the situation. They are not thoughtful/considerate of your needs so you have to be blunt. Even if they are offended, you will feel so much better.

We had this with my newborn, right down to DH flapping about ‘how could he possibly ask his parents to stay in a hotel?!’ I found it more unreasonable that anyone would think it was ok to come and stay in my very small 2 bed flat when I’d just had a c-section 🤷🏻‍♀️ (ILs also v unhelpful and had me running around making tea and cooking etc whilst also ignoring baby 🙃) They did eventually stay in a hotel and got over it.

I’m not going to lie about the birth date, I’m definitely going to lie about the due date!

I think I’ll just say that I don’t want to commit to a date for them to visit, I’d rather wait and see how things go with the c section recoverY and establishing feeding etc and we’ll let them know when we’re ready for visitors. Then when the time comes I guess we can say something like “pravi is having a difficult recovery and needs time to focus on the baby and feeding we’d love to see them but please would they stay in a hotel”. They can say yes or no to that!

All my others lost more than 10 % of their body weight and took ages to get back up so I’ve told DH that I want to play it by ear and not have them visit until the baby is at least back up to birth weight and I’m recovered enough to drive.

the mental load that comes with offending them is what puts me off being blunt about things

Surely not as great as the mental load of having them come to stay?!

Don't tell them when you go into Labour.
Don't let them stay. If they get offended so be it. Just say that now you have 4 children there is no space to host them.

I would say that due to a new complication with the pregnancy (which is very personal and private) your dr had told you to shield. Therefor they need to book a hotel and you’ll meet up outdoors. If they try questioning it just say you don’t want to talk about it.

My SIL (their daughter) manages them really well. She’s so blunt and they just accept it. She’d say something along the lines of “no, I really don’t want you to visit for the first three weeks, you can come after that and you’ll need to stay in a hotel.” And they would just accept it. DH is a gentler person, more accommodating and easy going and more susceptible to being guilt tripped and they take advantage of that.

This is your ace. DH channels his SIL. If he sticks to it, his parents will be fine. It’s only because he gives off the idea that he’ll bend that they push.

Channel SIL, matter of fact. They’re already prepared for this, they’re already used to it. SIL has done the hard work. All you and DH have to do is to agree the party line and not vary from it an inch. They can arrive on X date, not before, and they need a hotel room.

But you've already got grief. Lots of it.
I'd offend them and say no. Their wants don't trump yours.
You hold all the cards here. Any offence taken would mean me distancing myself even further from them.

If you tell them you 'don't want to commit to a date for them visiting' etc then you are not making your boundaries and decisions clear to them. You have done nothing to manage their expectation of a stay at your home aSAP after baby arrives - so they are likely to behave poorly when baby is here and they are told they have to wait weeks to see her.

Do exactly as your SIL does and tell them now- then the PILs know where they stand and what the arrangements are for seeing the baby.

I wouldn’t say you’re having a difficult time - this gives them more ammunition that you need ‘help’. Keep it simple - baby is here, all is well and we will let you know when we are ready for visitors.

They’re ruining the first few weeks of you enjoying your newborn. Who cares if they’re ‘offended’?