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Original poster

Managing ILs visiting new baby

99 replies

Pravi123 · 09/05/2021 08:03

I’m due my 4th baby in a few months. We have the ILs visiting as soon as it’s legal to do so and I know they are going to want to arrange their next visit to the new baby when it’s born. This has been a source of great stress each time I’ve had a baby.

There is too much history to set it all out. In a nutshell, MIL wants to ‘play mum’ to new babies and wants me to bugger off and leave her to it (impossible not to mention undesirable with a newborn). She is frail, and not someone I would leave unattended with a baby. She disagrees with car seats, sids advice and breastfeeding. She’s also wholly unrealistic in her expectations, for example, she got really upset when we declined her offer of ‘help’ when she asked us to send dc1 to stay with her for a week when he was 6 weeks old (without DH or me).

Each time we’ve had a baby they have visited for several days (staying overnight) towards the end of week one. I’ve had huge problems establishing breastfeeding with each baby and difficult deliveries and/or c section each time.

They live about 4 hours drive away and will be offended if we suggest a hotel rather than stay at ours. We have no guest bedroom. I will have a c section again with this one. How can DH phrase the news that they aren’t visiting in the first few weeks such that the boundary is clear and they don’t push it forward by a week (or two!) and arrive in week one like before? And so they don’t get offended (because they are prone to getting offended and that causes us grief).

In the past DH has tried to explain that I’ve had a difficult delivery or that the baby is not sleeping well and I’m tired and in pain and not ‘ready’ for visitors but their attitude is that they aren’t visiting me they are visiting him and the baby so I can just go back to bed and leave MIL to it.

Please don’t say I have a DH problem - we’re a good team and he’s brilliant, this is something we both find difficult (him in particular) and I want to help him get it right this time. We need a plan as to how to handle it so we are on the same page when the discussion comes up! Any suggestions welcome, also, any suggestions as to what is a reasonable visit and reasonable time are welcome too!

OP posts:
Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:01

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Original poster
Pravi123 · 09/05/2021 14:05

Yes. It’s all fairly impossible when you’re dealing with people who can only see things from the perspective of their own needs and wants. I’ve spent years trying to understand how they think and why they don’t ‘get it’ when we say no to stuff. It certainly made things incredibly hard with dc1 because we were taken by surprise with their behaviour. With dc2 and 3 we were forewarned and after they visited on day 5 after dc2 (despite us saying no visitors in week 1) I had had enough and put some boundaries down. It sounds extreme but their visit actually contributed to me ending up formula feeding dc2 because it was a layer of stress and exhaustion on top of all the normal postpartum issues. Both dh and I were emotionally exhausted dealing with them then.

One of the things that MIL did with all the other DCs that i found difficult is she tries to take the baby out of my sight all the time. I think there must be some kind of instinct that kicks in that makes me really uncomfortable about being parted in the first month or so after birth. As soon as she’s got the baby its clear that all she wants to do is keep me away, it’s beyond weird.

She’s frail now and with dc3 we always made her sit down when she held him. But she’d constantly stand back up again and we’d have to keep patiently repeating, “if you want to hold him you need to sit down”, and she’d say why, and we’d say “in case you drop him, so she’d say “I won’t drop him”. And so on and on and on until she’d be offended that we wouldn’t let her bob up and down precariously balancing a brand new baby in her arms! It’s what makes the visits so exhausting.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/05/2021 14:28

we’d love to see them but please would they stay in a hotel”.

You’re phrasing this wrongly. A. you wouldn’t ‘love’ to see them and B. you tell them that they’re staying in a hotel. If you really can’t cope with telling them, get your sil to do so. You’re self-sabotaging by simply allow her to ride override your requests. Stand up for yourself or get your dh to do so and mean it. This is frustrating to read. You aren’t prepared to have them stay, it’s a pita with 3 other dc, tell them NO!

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KinseyWinsey · 09/05/2021 15:26

She tries to take the baby out of your sight all the time?

What a fucking weirdo. Sorry but she is.

She gets the message from your sil.

Why wouldn't she understand the same message from your dh?

KinseyWinsey · 09/05/2021 15:28

"You can't stay here. No room. Sorry about that."

"No, leave the baby here near me please. Thank you."

"I really don't have to justify any of my reasons with you."

You need to be a bit nasty with these kinds of people. Otherwise they just take the piss.

Janaih · 09/05/2021 15:53

The instinct to be near your baby is a very strong biological one, seen frequently in the animal kingdom. Dont mess about with this. Be firm.

custardbear · 09/05/2021 16:04

She sounds awful! When they come, as PP have said they should stay ina hotel. Can your DH confide in his sister perhaps to help and bluntly say of course you can't stay there's no room.
As for leaving the room with your baby, get your DH on side here, he needs to instruct her to sit and hold, no running off as a hormonal mother doesn't need that stress. I remember being in tears when we left our DD with my IL's because we'd been invited to an evening wedding do and DD was only about 2 months and I was struggling the let alone with a newborn
Good luck but be strong - and so what if they get offended - tough!

Alexapissoff · 09/05/2021 17:28

@Janaih

The instinct to be near your baby is a very strong biological one, seen frequently in the animal kingdom. Dont mess about with this. Be firm.
My first baby my dad whipped him out of my arms at 2 hours old on the ward and fed him. That carried on to in-laws taking him off me at every opportunity. MIL wears very strong perfume and my baby stank of her. The smell of a just born baby is so important to a mother for bonding. I remember bathing him after she’d held him for hours and just crying because he didn’t smell of “us”.

They also insisted on sleeping in our bed (because guests should have the bed!) which meant I was on a blow up mattress in the spare room 3 days after a section. Which if you’ve had a section you’ll be wincing at.

It led to fucking horrific PND.

Next baby was 11 years later and I was older and did not give a shit anymore. No one came near, I protected myself.

We have these instincts for a reason.

OP, just be firm. This is about you bonding with your baby, establishing feeding and recovering in peace.

Janaih · 09/05/2021 18:37

@Alexapissoff that's horrific I'm so sorry you were robbed of those early bonding days.

megletthesecond · 09/05/2021 18:46

You'll have to "offend them" . They can stay in a hotel.

They've been offending you the last 3 babies Flowers. Their turn now..

Original poster
Pravi123 · 09/05/2021 21:03

@Alexapissoff so sorry you had to go through that. I completely understand the problem with your baby smelling of someone else, I have a massive issue with that too. It must be something evolutionary, you see animals sniffing their babies to identify them. And as for the blow up mattress 3 days after a c section, that really wins. It’s typical behaviour of people who see their daughter as a vessel to create them a grandchild and nothing more.

I’m also now much older than I was when I had dc1 and in that time I’ve started giving fewer fucks and become a lot more assertive in life generally. Maybe I need to carry that attitude into my relationship with the ILs!

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/05/2021 22:08

Could you perhaps meet them half way for lunch in the first week or two so that they get to meet the baby but can't interfere? And then let them know when they can stay (in the nearby hotel I would suggest!).

Carbara · 09/05/2021 23:30

Let things ‘not go down well’, give them the same amount of fucks that they give you. Ridiculous that you have both allowed this nonsense to continue to kid number four

LittleBearPad · 09/05/2021 23:36

Don’t suggest they stay in hotel, tell them they have to stay in a hotel.

Your DH needs to stand up for you. If he can’t ask his sister to do it!

PanamaPattie · 09/05/2021 23:43

You are acting as though this your first baby. You should know by now how they behave. Sort them out. Hotel and visits on your terms or they can stay home. You have a house full of DC and stuff - there is no room at the inn for interfering and useless in-laws. Stop being nice and reasonable.

Summerfun54321 · 10/05/2021 00:03

So shocked how low down the list you are prioritising your own needs. Everyone in the whole world knows that mum and new baby comes first and everyone else afterwards.

Can your mum host them at her house?! If your own mum is chilled out she might tolerate them as a way to help you out. She might help fight your corner a bit too.

EmiliaAirheart · 10/05/2021 04:49

From what you’ve said, you wanted to breastfeed one of your older children and you jacked it in because of how awful your MIL’s visit was. And yet you’ve learned nothing because you’re still tiptoeing around her and not wanting to cause offence, rather than setting a very reasonable boundary around when they visit and where they stay.

Woman the fuck up! This could easily happen again. Prioritise your newborn ffs. To hell with how your MIL reacts. Your husband needs to man up too.

SatNightFever · 10/05/2021 05:44

Good grief, house guests, with all the associated faff with sheets, sofa beds, endless conversation, getting in groceries for 8 people, and serving and cleaning up meals ... all within days of giving birth? ( oh, and having major surgery??)

I lived on chocolate biscuits for weeks after each one as things got so busy. There weren’t many meals for the masses!

Your DH needs to say NO on your behalf. And you need a fake EDD ( a week later ) before an ‘early’ delivery . Or failing that, a suspected COVID case with isolation period....

Original poster
Pravi123 · 10/05/2021 08:40

My mum offered to have them at hers, she’s offered a few times to us as she’s got loads of space. They don’t want to stay there, they want to stay here! However, I might think about staying with my mum. That would be amazing, guaranteed to offend though! An excellent back up plan though.

OP posts:
UpTheJunktion · 10/05/2021 08:51

I think you and DH have to be blunt.

Just because they can’t see it from your perspective doesn’t give them the right to forge ahead anyway.

And they have no more right to be protected from being offended than you do from feeling exhausted, pressured and upset within a week of major surgery and giving birth.

So I would say “we will not accept a visit in the first week. We do not have space and Pravi needs calm and peace to recover and establish feeding. W know you love to see the baby but it has not worked for us in the past when you have visited within the first week. We now have 3 other children in the house, we cannot accept visitors in the first week and that is that”.

Let them be offended.

The alternative is that as the mother of a newborn you are distressed.

Which is more important?

You could go to your Mum’s, but do you want to be separated from your DH in your baby’s first week?

Sexnotgender · 10/05/2021 11:17

@Pravi123

My mum offered to have them at hers, she’s offered a few times to us as she’s got loads of space. They don’t want to stay there, they want to stay here! However, I might think about staying with my mum. That would be amazing, guaranteed to offend though! An excellent back up plan though.
Right now it’s not about what they want!
Sugaryouth · 10/05/2021 13:40

OP please put yourself first. You have got to tell them straight or make your boundaries clear. Any grey areas and they will just use that as ‘Oh you didn’t say that’ or as something to run with and argue about.
You need to recover and be with your baby, they can hotel or nothing, I always see family as an onion with a lot of layers. Once you have your children, they become immediate and other people are moved onto outer layers of your own, little babies.

I had MIL who forced herself upon me the day after I’d given birth to my first. Wanted to take him off me immediately to feed him, kissed him when she gets cold sores and wanted to hang over his head every minute whilst he was sleeping, with her massive camera phone I was petrified she’d drop on his face.
That progressed to demanding OH’s shift patterns so she could arrange visits all the time and turning up unarranged on other people’s visits. I didn’t say anything but it festered and when boundaries were eventually set, she took it incredibly personally and is now steadfastly ignoring us, not acknowledging DS’ first birthday.
But you know what? Life is actually so much quieter and less stressful without her around. You’ve got to become a little harder where they’re concerned, your own life is where your focus should be, not worrying about selfish and rude people. Easier said than done I know but please consider it!

Anoisagusaris · 10/05/2021 14:09

Get rid of that sofa bed. Tell them now that there obviously won’t be any room for them to stay when the time comes to visit, and do they want hotel recommendations or to take your mum up on her kind offer.

ememem84 · 10/05/2021 14:38

@Pravi123

My mum offered to have them at hers, she’s offered a few times to us as she’s got loads of space. They don’t want to stay there, they want to stay here! However, I might think about staying with my mum. That would be amazing, guaranteed to offend though! An excellent back up plan though.
Do it. If you’ve had a section and have other kids to care for surely a break for you and baby to be cared for a bit is the best thing?
KinseyWinsey · 10/05/2021 15:27

Stop worrying about offending people.

Fuck 'em.

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