Gender disappointment

[redlane]

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life so I'm posting anonymously in hope of so advice on how to get over this. This is our first baby, I always loved the idea of a girl but genuinely didn't think I would mind if it was a boy. 2 girls would of been the ultimate dream. I have a brother and we never got on growing up and still don't and I always envied friends with sisters.

Everyone assumed it would be a girl aswell which had me starting to believe it. Had a private scan a few days ago and it was pretty obvious before the sonographer said that it was a boy. I wasn't prepared to feel the way I did. I tried to hide my disappointment but think I done a poor job. Couldn't wait to get out of there and sobbed all the way home and went to bed for the rest of the day. I just can't seem to shake it. I've none stop sobbed all morning again. I feel terrible but I can't help the way I feel.

Everyone around me seems so be having baby girls and I'm also on a Facebook group where the majority of people are having baby girls and they're all talking about how amazing girls are which is killing me. I feel like I'm grieving. DP doesn't understand, he is over the moon. I want to feel positive and happy about it but I just feel a little bit broken at the moment. Would be grateful for any advice/experiences. I know I'm being unreasonable and I should be grateful to be having a baby but I really can't help how I feel and I want to change that.

This is why I never found out the sex of my DC before they were born.
You will adore your son when he’s born, but you’ve got several weeks of waiting to find that out.

I had this with baby number two. I cried for a couple of days until DH sat me down and we talked it through and that the baby was healthy etc. He was such a cute Munchy boy -he’s now 15 and not so keen on cuddling but is a caring thoughtful chap. You will get over it and buy the time he’s born it will be all good 💕

My and I hate the sight of each other. There is no guarantee they'd be close anyway.

Sister!

sex disappointment, not gender. I grew up with my dad very much disengaged from me because I was sadly born female. He does in my brother, but I was a girl, so, not worth his time.
Hypocritically, I also felt the same sex disappointment - I don't like most men. I've been abused by them, seen them act and behave horribly, I just don't trust many of them. When I found out I was having a boy...honestly, my heart sunk. But...that little boy is now my dear little human who made me who I am today, and is helping heal me of a lot of my misandric prejudices. Sex disappointed is something so, so many people feel.

*he doted on

I always thought I’d have a girl, probs because it was what I always wanted. I had a boy, and he is literally the best! I can’t imagine myself with a girl now.
Gender disappoint is real and nothing to feel ashamed of but honesty once your baby boy is born you’ll wonder why you ever felt like that!
When we try for number 2 I’m hoping for another boy!
And plus side, their mummy’s boys. My partner doesn’t get a look in!

It's OK to feel a sense of loss for the daughter you won't be having this time. Once your son arrives you will love him for who he is, and you will probably wonder how you ever thought differently. As PP have said, there are no guarantees for the relationship you will have with your children of either gender, nor how siblings will relate to each other anyway. I have only boys, and did grieve a little bit for the daughters I would never have when I knew I was pregnant with my last child, but that is massively outweighed by the sons I do have!

There are a lot of these threads on mumsnet and you will get people coming on and saying you should indeed be grateful for having a (hopefully healthy?) baby, but so called gender (sex) disappointment is a very real thing and I do understand.

I only have experience of boys. I went through what you are going through, although not with DC1. I think western society pressures women to think they must crave a daughter. Left to your own devices and without social media comparisons, and without people telling you it must be a girl, would you have reacted the way you did?

All I can tell you is that my boys are delicious and glorious and cuddly and yes also stroppy and difficult. They do actually like drawing. They like shopping (for toys!). One is quite robust and outdoorsy, the other is a great show off and performer/clown and I should probably put him on the stage at some point. They do seem “higher energy” than some girls I’ve met, but then some girls I’ve met seem way more physically capable and demanding than my sons. They’re just kids and they are all different.

I care about not having a DD because I had hoped to foster the lovely mother/daughter relationship I have with my mother. But I have two absolutely wonderful mother/son relationships instead, and I will pour everything into it to hopefully extend this bond into their adulthood and ensure they are good young men who are champions of the women in their lives. I think it’s a great honour and responsibility to be raising the next generation of men in this current climate.

I hope you will grow to enjoy and love your DS. One thing I would say, to balance those saying you will instantly get over it when he’s born, is that with DC2 it did take me about 6 months. I put that there for balance and to say you shouldn’t be hard on yourself if it isn’t instant.

Boys are awesome!

I had this with my first baby!
Convinced baby was a girl, picked names - naively didn't even think about baby being a boy.
When I was told in the scan, I was so upset, if not a little angry. The sonographer could clearly see how upset I was and I cried all the way home. I cried for days and I felt robbed - robbed of the dreams I had for me and my daughter. I also felt guilty because a few of my friends are desperately wanting babies and struggling with IVF and infertility.

It does pass - I'm now looking forward to meeting my little boy - it helped going shopping and buying a few bits for him and a name.

I will still want a little girl (I think) after my first baby, but I won't love my son any less.

Don't feel ashamed and don't let other people tell you that it's wrong to feel that way.

I always wanted a girl so much so that I had all girls names and no boys but when my son was born I was in love from the word go. Sob and cry as much as you need to but honestly when he is born you will adore your beautiful little boy. And btw I have a sister and we did nothing but fight throughout our childhood and although I do love her she still annoys the hell out of me. I also have a few friends with two girls and most don’t get on.

I didn’t find out I was having a boy until he was born and it’s something I really regret, because I was expecting a girl and found it difficult to adjust. It was coupled with the fact that not long before my daughter had died so I was grieving for her and also for the girl I had been convinced by others I was carrying. I still believe I would have been initially upset at finding out I was having a boy but I am sure that I would have adjusted, prepared and looked forward to him being born if I’d known. So what I am trying to say is that I understand you feeling this way and I think finding out now gives you the best chance to be prepared and excited for when he comes along.

My son is awesome. I think that for many of us, much of the desire to have daughters is because of the relationships we’ve had (or not had) with others but this is our opportunity to have different relationships with our sons so they are strong and long lasting.

I have a DS and DD. When I was pregnant with DS I was hoping for a girl. We didn’t find out, and as other people have said once your baby is here you adore them anyway. DS is now 10 and the absolute love of my life. Of course I love DD just as much - but DS and I have such similar interests and sense of humour, whereas she’s more like her Dad! Every day I’m grateful that I didn’t get to choose, or I wouldn’t have my wonderful son who is such a fantastic little person. You will be fine, OP.

I honestly had no preference for boy or girl with my two, but it was made very, very clear to me by both my mum and MIL, that a girl was definitely the preferred sex. I had boys. They are, as someone upthread said, awesome. I couldn't have been happier with my ds's, or more proud of the amazing men they have become. My dgs is also pretty awesome!
Sadly, I this kind of situation seems to happen a lot more often since hospitals starting giving this information. When mine were born, most maternity units did not give this info -scans were not as clear back then - and it meant that even where there was disappointment, it was quickly forgotten because new parents were so busy taking care of their new baby. These days there are weeks and weeks before the baby is actually here, so longer to stew over them being the 'wrong' sex.
OP, I hope you quickly realise that your new baby will be amazing and special, girl or boy and that in years to come you will look back on this feeling as a minor blip , not a massive issue.
Best wishes.

I think you need to focus on the positives, you will have a lovely, baby, regardless of sex, he will be your baby, you will adore him. You can't help how you feel but you can reframe the way you think it perhaps.

You're not grieving though, I will say that. Your baby is alive and whole and healthy. Grieving for a dead baby isn't something I'd wish on anyone. You are disappointed that you didn't get what you thought you might, which is OK, as long as you never project that onto your son, which I'm sure you wouldn't, once he is here you will be delighted with him.

I usually struggle with these sort of threads because my baby son died, and before I went into the anomaly scan, for a flicker of a moment I though I might have been disappointed if it was a boy. And then I found out he was incredibly poorly and we lost him less than a week later. And we're trying again, so there's all sorts of complicated feelings.

Wishing you well and I hope you make peace with your sadness and come to find joy in whoever you have in your family

Me and my sisters never got on, we still don’t and we’re all middle aged now .
I wanted a girl as I had a boy and she had visions of us playing dress up and dolls...never happened, she couldn’t be more disinterested. She only wears a skirt to school because they’re not allowed trousers.

I had my second boy in November , I didn't find out what we was having because i didn't want to be disappointed.
I only want 2 children , did I was a girl? Yes. Was I disappointed when he came ? Absolutely not. Wouldn't change a thing , quite upset with myself that I ever thought I would be & never told anyone that.

I was the other way around OP, years of being emotionally abused and neglected by my mother and sister, I was wanting a boy. I found out I was having a girl and it took a while to adjust, but eventually you come around to it and now i wouldn’t change her for the world. She’s more tomboy than girly girl and a true daddy’s girl, more robust than her female friends and cousins. Please just give it some time, you’re allowed to feel disappointed but don’t let it rule over your love for your baby x

Said with sensitivity and without disrespect and I do get that people have reasons for wanting or not wanting a specific gender. However If you only wanted girls. Perhaps you should have thought long and hard before becoming pregnant as there are no guarantees. Why does gender disappointment always seem to be aimed at baby boys. I could understand a women who had say 3 boys and found out her last one was also a boy and feeling a bit disheartened.

Omg it's ALWAYS boys.

Once they put him in arms though. All that "I want a girl will just go out the window"

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Once they put him in arms though. All that "I want a girl will just go out the window"

Not always true. You are projecting how you feel it would be or was.

You will love him beyond measure, honestly.

My sis and I hated each other. Perhaps try to let go of some of the stereotypes/preconceptions about girls and sisters.

Always yourself to be disappointed its not a girl. (Blame it on your hormones!) I wanted to have at least one girl and I would have been very disappointed if I hadnt. That's not to say I'm not delighted with my boys! Even though I knew I would be 'disappointed' if I only had boys I knew 100% that I would love all my children the same and that I wouldn't be 'disappointed' with my boys.

They are all adults now and I've always loved them for who they are. I am glad I have both boys and girls.