Gender disappointment

[redlane]

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life so I'm posting anonymously in hope of so advice on how to get over this. This is our first baby, I always loved the idea of a girl but genuinely didn't think I would mind if it was a boy. 2 girls would of been the ultimate dream. I have a brother and we never got on growing up and still don't and I always envied friends with sisters.

Everyone assumed it would be a girl aswell which had me starting to believe it. Had a private scan a few days ago and it was pretty obvious before the sonographer said that it was a boy. I wasn't prepared to feel the way I did. I tried to hide my disappointment but think I done a poor job. Couldn't wait to get out of there and sobbed all the way home and went to bed for the rest of the day. I just can't seem to shake it. I've none stop sobbed all morning again. I feel terrible but I can't help the way I feel.

Everyone around me seems so be having baby girls and I'm also on a Facebook group where the majority of people are having baby girls and they're all talking about how amazing girls are which is killing me. I feel like I'm grieving. DP doesn't understand, he is over the moon. I want to feel positive and happy about it but I just feel a little bit broken at the moment. Would be grateful for any advice/experiences. I know I'm being unreasonable and I should be grateful to be having a baby but I really can't help how I feel and I want to change that.

I think the reason it's always boys is because as women we feel like we can relate to girls easily, we know what it's like being a girl and the majority of us grow up with female friends and hopefully a close bond with our mothers.

I bet if these kinds of topics were posted by men it would be disappointment over having a girl.

It doesn't mean the parents won't absolutely adore and love their child.

I had 2 boys, and then 2 girls, and wasn't bothered at all what they were going to be. This was pre scans. By the way, can someone explain in simple language, the difference between sex and gender?

Once you meet him you will love him. Boys are fabulous. All children are individuals. Next time, don't find out.

I had one of each, so never had the disappointment.

However, both kids give me so much, in different ways, that are not at all linked to their gender.

My daughter is cuddly, loving, and much more home centric etc, my son is chatty, house and a fashion and decor expert.

Both are unique and their qualities don’t come from their genitalia. I am sure when you grieve for the vision of parenthood you had you will love your son soooo much.

For what it’s worth - and not to turn into a preachy “be grateful they are heathy point - my vision of parenthood did not involve multiple hospital appointments and surgeries from the day they were born, but that’s what I got. You learn to adjust very quickly to what is your normal.

@eddiemairswife

Sex = biological
Gender = social construct re: how sexes are expected to act and behave.

Sex is concrete and unchangeable. Gender is fluid and not based in biology.

@Gertie75 I think the reason it's always boys is because as women we feel like we can relate to girls easily, we know what it's like being a girl and the majority of us grow up with female friends and hopefully a close bond with our mothers.

I grew up in a very male household and I was hoping for a boy as I felt I would know how to relate to them better than a girl funnily enough. Absolutely adore my DS and we do get on great. I do have close female friends as well!

Every child is different Op - let go of your stereotypes, I know as many tomboy girls as princess types. Explore why you want a girl so much - societal or social media expectations?

Boys are ace and such fun to raise. Oh and sisters are often pretty vile to each other for years and I know many adults who don't get on with their sisters but are fine with their brothers as there isn't that competitive element in the relationship.

In a years time you will be embarrassed you posted this.

You will love him.

Why do MNers always push the lie that “you’ll love them as soon as they’re born”?
We all know some people can dislike/hate/ignore/be disinterested in their child. Or show blatant favouritism if there is more than 1 child.

(I’m not saying this is going to be you, op)

I really appreciate all the replies and I'm sorry if my choice of words offended anyone that wasn't my intention at all. I've tried to avoid DP all morning because I just felt like being left alone in my own thoughts and I felt ashamed but he came in whilst I was crying and just sat with me, held me for a while and let me cry without saying anything, ran me a bath and dried my hair for me whilst I cried some more. He is very caring and loving and I do know that if my son takes after him I needn't worry but I just hope in time I can get over the sadness of not having the daughter that I always imagined I would have.

Thankyou crunchy. How about people who want to change their pronouns? My daughter tells me that Eddie Izzard wants to be known as 'she' and 'her', but as far as I know she is still an intact male.

Ask the midwife to assign your baby as female at birth, job done😉

I read somewhere that most women feel having a daughter will be more familiar than having a son. You do hear a lot of women say , especially those with daughters that they wouldn't know what to do with a boy.
I have two boys, and from a family of all girls and all l can say is that boys are a lovely surprise, it has opened up a whole new world for me, and my disappointment was very misguided. My two are young men now, both taller than me, funny, kind and protective. I am extremely grateful, just as you will be when you discover the reality of having a son, rather than just the image you have in your head.

@Moonface123

I read somewhere that most women feel having a daughter will be more familiar than having a son. You do hear a lot of women say , especially those with daughters that they wouldn't know what to do with a boy. I have two boys, and from a family of all girls and all l can say is that boys are a lovely surprise, it has opened up a whole new world for me, and my disappointment was very misguided. My two are young men now, both taller than me, funny, kind and protective. I am extremely grateful, just as you will be when you discover the reality of having a son, rather than just the image you have in your head.

Wish there was a like button for this post.

I was convinced dc 1 was going to be a boy (he was). I was convinced dc2 was a girl, he was a boy, I felt a filter of disappointment for 2 seconds. All I can say is I love the absolute bones of him. He is absolutely amazing. I would never ever swap him in a million years for a girl if I had the choice. He makes me laugh, gives me cuddles, he has a brilliant personality. Hopefully you will feel the same when your baby arrives.

I wouldn’t worry OP, you’re full of hormones and expectations- you will grow to love the idea of a boy. Maybe start shopping and thinking of boys names. Cut yourself some slack, you will love him just as much as a girl.
Congratulations

Your disappointment will, most likely, vanish as soon as you meet your son. He will be the most adorable thing imaginable.
Be kind to yourself; I'm sure more people feel like this than they'd admit.

it's a baby. To start with it will just scream, eat, sleep and excrete. Later on it will start smiling and gurgling, then doing lots of other stuff.

if it is a girl it will struggle to urinate standing up later in life, and will have to manage periods. If it is a boy it won't be able to get pregnant.

all else is up to you and society.

DP is asking me about names and I'm just not there yet, I have no interest in thinking about names. Today has been the worst day since I found out I have totally worn myself out with all the crying and emotions. I've had a few 'what have I done' thoughts and just can't look forward to the future and feel positive.

I knew when I read the title it wouid be dissapointment over having a boy.

When he is in your arms and when you watch him grow - he will be so so precious - a mother and son bond is truly special .. I have it and I'm so glad and proud.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. Boys are honestly just fantastic - as are girls! I didn't find out with either of mine but as soon as DS was born he was just my lovely little guy and he still is. Well, he's 6ft now and 17 so not exactly little anymore but I am so thankful for him. He's just smashing. I was convinced I was having another boy when I was pregnant with my second because my pregnancies felt identical so it was a lovely surprise when DD came along. They both bring different things to your life.

Have your moments for now, but you do need to be able to move on and I'm 100% sure that you will absolutely love your baby more than you can ever imagine.

It makes me so sad that these threads are always about boys. I can't sympathise or empathise because I simply don't understand. I have three sons, knew the sex of the youngest two before birth but not the eldest, was delighted each time. I just don't understand the preference for girls I read about on here at all.

I don't want to be presumptuous and obviously there are plenty of pp who've commented they've felt the same and gotten over it, but please do keep an eye on how you're feeling op. Purely anecdotally so perhaps nonsense - the only friends I've had who experienced gender disappointment also had antenatal and postnatal depression. I've often wondered if (severe) gender disappointment is a symptom of a bigger issue. Oh, and as a mum of boys I can confirm they are brilliant!

Just because two children have the same genitals doesn't mean they are going to have a good relationship, and certainly doesn't mean that they'd have the sort of idealised relationships that mums-to-be who are disappointed at having a boy imagine sisters/mothers/daughters have.

Have your moment to acknowledge that the idealised fantasy you imagine isn't going to happen and then it's healthiest to move on. If you've seen some of the threads on here you'll see posters wallowing in self pity for months and claiming there distressed and devastated to be having the wrong variety of child (usually a boy). It's totally unhealthy.

@SunbathingDragon I have never met anyone in the same boat as me. Lost a baby girl then had a boy, didn’t find out the sex in pregnancy and was disappointed I had a boy. I remember saying when he was a few days old that I hadn’t wanted a boy.

In fairness it wasn’t his maleness that was a problem, it was related to grieving my daughter, the severe depression I was experiencing. I think for me, my mental health might have been easier with a girl but really for him, it was better he was a boy, not a replacement. I have subsequently had a second daughter and the distance helped with seeing her as an individual.

Your DH sounds lovely.

When I got pregnant for the first time I remember thinking “I’d love a boy first- so he can look after his little sister”
I had a boy first. He is 15 now and the most laid back person I’ve ever met. Nothing bothers him. Nothing makes him mad. He’s popular and enjoys playing football.

I then had 2 girls. So you could too. And your first son will be their big brother.