Separation anxiety help

[twinkletoesfairynose]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section but I've didn't know where to put it. But if background.

My daughter is 2.5 years old. She has always been a terrible sleeper since birth. It now comes to light she has a neurological disorder to which she's just started medication for.

Anyway night times are worse than a newborn. She will not self settle, she constantly wakes all night crying, screaming, wanting mummy etc etc checking if I'm there or not.

I have tried everything in the book, except leaving her to CIO but did that recently as I got to the end of my tether and she fell out of her cot twice and hurt herself.

Long story short she is now is a cot bed.

Right, the reason for the post.

My mum died just after Christmas. She was a hands on nanny, spoke to her at least twice a day, saw her four times a week (lived nearby) bubbled when covid happened.

Recently my daughter has been asking for her nanny. She knows nanny is in the sky now but I can't help but think the loss has finally hit her and that's adding to an already shit time at night.

How do I navigate this with her? I'm sleeping on her floor at the moment. It's killing me. We talk about nanny often and look at pictures and she fine during the day about it.

Also her grandad on my husbands side (not nanny's husband) has cut all contact for no reason so she has lost two people who were in her life.

Husband can't help at night as he works nights. I work full time during the day so I am pulling 24 shifts with very little rest.

I don't know what to do. I hate co sleeping and feel at this age it would be going backwards but similarly I can't sleep on the floor forever.

So how do I address these night time issues without cocking things up every worse than they are

Sorry for the long post

I think for now you need to prioritise your health and need for sleep. It may feel like going backwards, but at least if you were co-sleeping you might both get more rest. When your feeling rested it may be easier to tackle some of the other issues.

I would bring her into bed with you. Both getting decent sleep can only help.
Sep anxiety is a funny thing. Alleviated fastest ime by accepting the child needs to be as physically close as possible then it fades in time.

I am so sorry about your mum.

Thank you for your reply

But everything in my mind is saying co sleeping is creating or reinforcing the separation anxiety.

I just don't know who to turn to

She has the loss of my mum and her arsehole grandad

She has her neurological issues and has just started on medication which needs upping gradually

She has separation anxiety at night

If she just slept we would both be able to be happy but she is killing me night by night

We have a lovely night time routine. Getting to sleep isn't the issue it's staying asleep. I do get that because I'm in the room when she falls asleep, when she wakes she gets upset, but honestly because of her neurological issue, I can't leave her to cry/train to fall asleep on her own.

I'm so stuck

I’d co sleep. You need your sleep.

It is counter intuitive, you want to stop the sep anxiety of course you do. The easiest way is to satisfy her need at the mo, yes co sleeping is sometimes urgghh but not for ever.
You won't make her worse.

@FlibbertyGiblets

I would bring her into bed with you. Both getting decent sleep can only help. Sep anxiety is a funny thing. Alleviated fastest ime by accepting the child needs to be as physically close as possible then it fades in time.

I am so sorry about your mum.

Thank you for replying too.

I've spent the last two and half years exhausted, sleep deprived, husband and I have almost split because of the effects it's having on us, I feel like an absolute failure of a mum and to top it all I've lost the one person who helped me out the most and was always there for support (bar my husband, but no one can love you like a mum)

She's so bad I don't even want to have anymore kids, I can't imagine do this pregnant, or with a new born for fear of god know what may happen. Which is sad because I love being a mum and loved being pregnant etc

I would also sleep with a special lovey or cuddly, that will become the transition object, to take to her own bed, moving forwards.

It's also hard when all my other mum friends are saying

"Well so and so is in her own bed, she falls asleep in her own and sleeps for 12 hours solid"

I feel like what have I done wrong

Oh sweetheart I wish I could hug you. It is hard, very hard. You have got this, Mama, you have, but you don't know it yet x

My children were always free to get in bed with me and my daughter would even on occasion get up in the night when she was 15 and get in with me.

I never made a big deal of it, they could sleep in their own beds or get in with me if for any reason they felt the need to.

As a result I never had any sleep deprivation, my children were always relaxed and slept well and they grew up into independent adults with no issues.

Probably an unpopular opinion onwards but 25/30 years ago it wasn’t frowned upon.

^^ nowadays not onwards.

Other parents lie. I found this out after a few years. Sleeping though? Yes if you count 8pm to 2.30 am.
10 hr stretch? Well yes but he called out 6 times for his dummy.
See?

@FlibbertyGiblets

I would also sleep with a special lovey or cuddly, that will become the transition object, to take to her own bed, moving forwards.

She has her two bears she always takes to bed, she hates blankets on her so has a big sleeping bag. You name it I've done it, I've spent hundreds on things to help her sleep, tried the feber method, the disappearing chair, my husband used to rock her to sleep when little bit we were told to stop as that created an association.

Her sleep has always been shite, just got a whole another level or shite since my mum died

Bless Both of you. She is a tiny little person and she needs you.

Talk about nanny during the day, fond memories and funny stories. Let her remember and learn grief can have it's happy times. Read bedtime stories together to nanny and snuggle up to sleep together.

You have a few layers to look in to and learn, is co sleep for now. Actually, I did co sleep and even now if my teen wants to she creeps in for a cuddle.

Thank you all for your support and kind replies

She's gone back to sleep now so I'm going to sneak out and try and get an hour in my own bed.

I will consider the co sleeping

Would you recommend bringing her into our bed or getting a floor bed for her room big enough so we can both sleep on it so she is still in her room and gets used to her sleeping in there?

Also how did people cope with co sleeping and having another baby? Added issue of husband working nights five times a week

Just something to consider but may not apply in your case. My son (18m) is also on medication for a neurological problem, he used to sleep quite well however since starting the medication he has great difficulty falling asleep/ is frightened/confused.

I mentioned this to his paediatrician who said it is a known side effect of his medication, sleep pattern is disturbed, remaining in a light sleep and difficulty getting over. The longer he has been on it he has managed to improve so maybe your child needs time to adjust to the medication ontop of everything else. Sorry if this doesnt apply to you, just thought I would mention incase it helps.

Bring the bears into bed too.

Your nights are harder because DH is at work so all falls on your shoulders.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

@Dugi3

Just something to consider but may not apply in your case. My son (18m) is also on medication for a neurological problem, he used to sleep quite well however since starting the medication he has great difficulty falling asleep/ is frightened/confused.

I mentioned this to his paediatrician who said it is a known side effect of his medication, sleep pattern is disturbed, remaining in a light sleep and difficulty getting over. The longer he has been on it he has managed to improve so maybe your child needs time to adjust to the medication ontop of everything else. Sorry if this doesnt apply to you, just thought I would mention incase it helps.

May I ask what medication he's on? Feel free to pm me instead

@FlibbertyGiblets

Bring the bears into bed too.

Your nights are harder because DH is at work so all falls on your shoulders.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Every day at the moment :(

Sneaked out, she woke up ten mins later, noticed I wasn't there (despite me trying to arrange the floor bed like I was) so I'm not spending another night on the floor.

Thank you for all your replies once again

Things sound really tough for you at the moment

My eldest won’t sleep alone anymore. We co sleep with her just so we can all get rest. We’re going to try getting her sleeping alone again when things have settled a bit.

Apart from it feeling like going backwards what don’t you like about cosleeping? I’d just bring her in to your bed if you can as maximising sleep is the goal.

A big hug from me. I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be.
I’ve always been lucky in that my son has be mostly a good sleeper. He will be 3 in July and has recently started getting separation anxiety at night. He’ll fall asleep ok but then wake about 1am and want me.

We’ve never co slept before but I’m so busy at the minute during the day, the last month or so I’ve been having him in my bed. We have both slept so much more. He’d normally wake up around 5.30am and be up for the day, but in bed with me, he sleeps until 7.30 when the alarm goes off.

I’m actually enjoying co sleeping as he sleeps near the wall so we don’t disturb each other during the night and we snuggle in the morning. I too worry I’m creating a habit but I can’t deny his cute face( with his teddy under one arm and his pillow under the other) wanting to cuddle mummy. I just think how horrible it feels to be rejected and I’d hate him to feel like that when I can make his world perfect in that moment, by letting him in my bed.

Give it a try and see how you both get on.