Separation anxiety help

[twinkletoesfairynose]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section but I've didn't know where to put it. But if background.

My daughter is 2.5 years old. She has always been a terrible sleeper since birth. It now comes to light she has a neurological disorder to which she's just started medication for.

Anyway night times are worse than a newborn. She will not self settle, she constantly wakes all night crying, screaming, wanting mummy etc etc checking if I'm there or not.

I have tried everything in the book, except leaving her to CIO but did that recently as I got to the end of my tether and she fell out of her cot twice and hurt herself.

Long story short she is now is a cot bed.

Right, the reason for the post.

My mum died just after Christmas. She was a hands on nanny, spoke to her at least twice a day, saw her four times a week (lived nearby) bubbled when covid happened.

Recently my daughter has been asking for her nanny. She knows nanny is in the sky now but I can't help but think the loss has finally hit her and that's adding to an already shit time at night.

How do I navigate this with her? I'm sleeping on her floor at the moment. It's killing me. We talk about nanny often and look at pictures and she fine during the day about it.

Also her grandad on my husbands side (not nanny's husband) has cut all contact for no reason so she has lost two people who were in her life.

Husband can't help at night as he works nights. I work full time during the day so I am pulling 24 shifts with very little rest.

I don't know what to do. I hate co sleeping and feel at this age it would be going backwards but similarly I can't sleep on the floor forever.

So how do I address these night time issues without cocking things up every worse than they are

Sorry for the long post

I really would just let her get in your bed.
I slept with my mum from age 6, when dad left, until I was in high school.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I will reply to the questions asked later, just got home from work and need a snooze before getting said sleep avoiding child lol

@DownWhichOfLate

Apart from it feeling like going backwards what don’t you like about cosleeping? I’d just bring her in to your bed if you can as maximising sleep is the goal.

So when she was born her sleep was that bad I became frightened of going to bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa for a couple of months with her in her pram. We then tired co sleeping and feeding laying down but it was too uncomfortable.

I have tried her in bed a few times but even though we have a super king I feel restricted in my movements and always wake up tense. I'm not worried about squashing her etc.

Before I had my daughter I needed 10 hrs of sleep and a nap to get me through the day. My bed/sleep has always been my escape and my safe area. I suppose I fed aggrieved that co sleeping means nothing I have is my own anymore.

All I want is a few hours in my own bed to relax and with co sleeping I don't feel like I can do that, but then again I'm on a floor at the moment and my body is ruined so I'm not loosing out much am I.

I know I sound like a selfish horrible cow but I just need a break from life and everything it's thrown at us (we all had covid a few month ago too and that was rough)

And I am worried about making a habit that I will have to break and I have gone through so much sleep training etc and habit breaking I'm just exhausted by it all.

Last night she woke around 7 times calling for me in her sleep, if I didn't respond she knew I wasn't there and woke crying.

She has ears like a bat, I couldn't even sneak out. I'm considering getting a nice blow up as she's fine in her bed as long as I'm near by.

If you don’t want to go sleep then I agree, a more comfortable bed for you in her room is a good compromise

@LivingMyBestLife2020

If you don’t want to go sleep then I agree, a more comfortable bed for you in her room is a good compromise

I've just brought a queen size blow up from Argos and pick up tomorrow. There were mega posh ones there but 1. I can't afford to spend £80 on a blow up and 2. I don't want to be on it for long lol.

I want to sleep, I would love nothing more than to sleep. Just she won't let me.

@twinkletoesfairynose I think you also need to see the doctor. You sound so defeated and potentially anxiety ridden. Lack of sleep is so hard - I do feel your pain. Our 2 year old still wakes in the night.

I know you don't want to feel like you're going backwards but sleep makes everything feel so much better. I would do whatever I could to get that. There's obviously a reason she needs/wants to be with you. I genuinely believe they wake for a reason. Not to be naughty but because they're in discomfort or a bad dream. Cuddle her and give her the comfort she needs in your bed. You might feel better after a few better nights sleep.

12 hours sleep - a dream!!

I understand. My first didn’t sleep, almost ever, I ended up on the sofa with him in a Moses basket as I just knew he would wake all the time through the night. It was horrific. But then I started cosleeping and it worked for us. Though I never felt I could get in to a proper deep sleep. So I know what you mean. It’s exhausting. But if she will sleep if you’re in the room and you are happy (or happyish!) as a compromise then that sounds like the best plan for now. No space in your bedroom to put a cot / toddler bed next to your bed? (As your proper bed would obviously be more comfortable). I think it’s best to concentrate on getting as much sleep as possible now and don’t worry about bad habits etc.

@DownWhichOfLate

I understand. My first didn’t sleep, almost ever, I ended up on the sofa with him in a Moses basket as I just knew he would wake all the time through the night. It was horrific. But then I started cosleeping and it worked for us. Though I never felt I could get in to a proper deep sleep. So I know what you mean. It’s exhausting. But if she will sleep if you’re in the room and you are happy (or happyish!) as a compromise then that sounds like the best plan for now. No space in your bedroom to put a cot / toddler bed next to your bed? (As your proper bed would obviously be more comfortable). I think it’s best to concentrate on getting as much sleep as possible now and don’t worry about bad habits etc.

Yeah there's not room in our room as the super king takes up most of it lol.

I'm going to see how the blow up goes and if not then she ll have to come in with me

[quote Crimsonripple]@twinkletoesfairynose I think you also need to see the doctor. You sound so defeated and potentially anxiety ridden. Lack of sleep is so hard - I do feel your pain. Our 2 year old still wakes in the night.

I know you don't want to feel like you're going backwards but sleep makes everything feel so much better. I would do whatever I could to get that. There's obviously a reason she needs/wants to be with you. I genuinely believe they wake for a reason. Not to be naughty but because they're in discomfort or a bad dream. Cuddle her and give her the comfort she needs in your bed. You might feel better after a few better nights sleep.

12 hours sleep - a dream!! [/quote]
I've been to the drs and done all the mental health screening, I come out as mild on everything bar a few questions but it's always "because I'm exhausted" so they haven't wanted to put me on anything

My mental health abs physical health has suffered, I'm three stone heavier, I'm puffy in the face, my eyes are sunken it's just horrible.

When I hear people moan their kid woke twice and they're exhausted I'm like "really???" I'd love to have that lol

Have you tried white noise to give some background noise? It might help mask some general household noise that might be waking her up?

No advice but my heartfelt sympathy to you. You haven’t failed your daughter, you’re both (and DH) having an extremely tough time and you’re doing your best

She did better tonight and woke up 20 mins ago but she was screaming for booby which is something she doesn't get until 4 am and previously she understand this.

However she is loosing her shit as I'm screaming uncontrollably. My husbands just come home from work, lost his cool and taken her downstairs. It's breaking my heart to hear her but the neighbours just think we are killing her.

I brought her into bed with me before hand to try and calm her down but she didn't.

I feel so bad. I know she wants comfort, I tried to give it to her ( we were weaning off the boob that's why I'm reluctant to give it to her) but if I give in now she knows she can scream and get her boob right?

You were screaming uncontrollably? If this is what you meant to type you need help now. Your husband needs to take leave to look after you both.

@DownWhichOfLate

You were screaming uncontrollably? If this is what you meant to type you need help now. Your husband needs to take leave to look after you both.

I sorry I must have worded it wrong my daughter was, I was fine.

She's now saying her room is scary

Blow up bed blown up and il be in with her/let her co sleep with me if she needs it from tonight.

Ah! I think autocorrect changed “as in screaming uncontrollably” to “as I’m screaming uncontrollably” . Good luck tonight.

@DownWhichOfLate

Ah! I think autocorrect changed “as in screaming uncontrollably” to “as I’m screaming uncontrollably” . Good luck tonight.

Thank you I'm going to need it. Is it common for two year olds to suddenly change to being vile crying winge machines or is it just mine?

She’s had some disruption to her life and routine, OP, which is probably why she’s playing up a bit. She’s too young to understand.

When my DM died my DD (older than yours) had severe separation anxiety. It was awful. I spoke to a child bereavement charity who advised that it’s common for children to latch onto the next closest person to the deceased (which is you, as your DMs daughter). So the way she is behaving is completely normal and nothing you have or haven’t done.

Sorry for your loss. I honestly would just co sleep with her again, and I battled bloody hard to get mine in her own bed!

@Icancelledthecheque

She’s had some disruption to her life and routine, OP, which is probably why she’s playing up a bit. She’s too young to understand.

When my DM died my DD (older than yours) had severe separation anxiety. It was awful. I spoke to a child bereavement charity who advised that it’s common for children to latch onto the next closest person to the deceased (which is you, as your DMs daughter). So the way she is behaving is completely normal and nothing you have or haven’t done.

Sorry for your loss. I honestly would just co sleep with her again, and I battled bloody hard to get mine in her own bed!

Thank you thar hit me right in the feels and made sense. It's hard when I'm stressed and grieving to try and make sense of how she's feeling when I don't even know myself

Just out of interest which child bereavement charity did you use?

@Icancelledthecheque also sorry for your loss too x

[quote twinkletoesfairynose]@Icancelledthecheque also sorry for your loss too x[/quote]
Thank you lovely.

Child bereavement UK have a helpline and I found them wonderful.

I hope the blow up bed works for you tonight. I have several friends with DC who have neurological conditions. Sleep issues are a common conversation. We all seem to have come to the same decision that we will just do whatever it takes to allow us all to get as much sleep as possible.

One friend has been very successful with getting her child to sleep alone but I think this was at about 5 years old. Once her child was too big for the cot, they bought a single bed with a trundle bed. So at night they effectively had 2 single beds side by side. Her DC was able to get used to the bed with mum sleeping right next to her. Gradually the trundle bed was moved further away at night. Eventually they got to the point when there was very little waking at night and no physical contact was required for DC to go back to sleep ( just a murmured shh). Finally they got to the stage when they weren’t needed for most of the night and were able to spend most nights in their own bed. DC knows the trundle bed is still there if they are really struggling but most nights are now good.

Hang in there. Toddlers are such hard work but it usually gets better, even with conditions that make it tougher.

@Lieinrequired

I hope the blow up bed works for you tonight. I have several friends with DC who have neurological conditions. Sleep issues are a common conversation. We all seem to have come to the same decision that we will just do whatever it takes to allow us all to get as much sleep as possible.

One friend has been very successful with getting her child to sleep alone but I think this was at about 5 years old. Once her child was too big for the cot, they bought a single bed with a trundle bed. So at night they effectively had 2 single beds side by side. Her DC was able to get used to the bed with mum sleeping right next to her. Gradually the trundle bed was moved further away at night. Eventually they got to the point when there was very little waking at night and no physical contact was required for DC to go back to sleep ( just a murmured shh). Finally they got to the stage when they weren’t needed for most of the night and were able to spend most nights in their own bed. DC knows the trundle bed is still there if they are really struggling but most nights are now good.

Hang in there. Toddlers are such hard work but it usually gets better, even with conditions that make it tougher.

Thank you, she has just been diagnosed epilepsy but not the shaking type.

Toddlers are hard work.

I just want her to be happy and smiley and stress free, she too young to deal with this shit.

Maybe I need some more help too?

Maybe she's also picking up on how you're feeling? Children amaze me how much they notice and respond to your moods, whether that be good or bad.

As for your doctor review, that's madness. Lack of sleep can massively heighten anxiety...I get they don't want everyone popping pills if they can help it but I genuinely think you need some help! You've just lost your mum FFS!

I really do feel for you. When my son had bad nights it felt like a very dark time. You lose all ability to function and think properly, you also lack the motivation or even energy to play or be fun. Then it spirals the whole slippery slope of feeling like a crap mum. A few good nights sleep you feel like a brand new person!

Ah, I’m sorry - I didn’t even say that the loss of your mother must be incredibly hard for both you and your daughter. And, yes, toddlers can turn in to real whingebags for no apparent reason. But it sounds like she has a reason. And, yes, you need support. Can you get some extra sleep at the weekend? Some time out? Go for a walk / swim / coffee - whatever makes you “you”? If you have a bit of time away from the situation it makes it so much easier.