Please help me be a nicer person

Helpmebenicer · 2021-04-28T11:59:15+00:00

How do I stop myself pontificating and generally being a pain in the arse please? No one has said anything to me but I hear myself whittering on at work etc and another voice in my head is just despairing. I'm in my 40's, is it an age thing? How do you learn to zip it, help!

Pyewackect · 28/04/2021 13:02

Start with , " How to Win Friends and Influence People " by Dale Carnegie.

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 13:04

Thank you

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MissCrowley · 28/04/2021 13:08

Following because I'm a bitter bitch. I'm not a huge fan of other humans. I can only tolerate them in small doses. Everything gets on my tits.
I also think I may be going through the menopause.. at quite a young age too.

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 13:13

MissCrowley

Do you mind that you think you're like that? I get miserable because I don't want to be perceived as that person and hate myself for being so withering or self opinionated or whatever it is I am.

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ScaredOfDinosaurs · 28/04/2021 13:14

Sometimes we talk because silence is uncomfortable and therefore end up wittering on because we haven't really gathered our thoughts properly.

Could you try to get more comfortable with a silence, so you can take a moment to form your response into something more concise and upbeat?

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 13:17

ScaredOfDinosaurs I think it's meaner than that I'm ashamed to say. I think I like a response but then hate myself for eliciting one. I just want to be a nice person. I'm too opinionated, get into lots of fiery discussions. Why can't I just keep that stuff inside my head and just talk about the weather instead

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crosshatching · 28/04/2021 13:19

At least you have self-awareness going for you! I find it helpful to give myself a pause before I speak (esp if I'm irritated) to think, 'will I care in 6 weeks? Will I remember in 6 months?'. If the answer is no - leave it. It's an irritating moment in a day that's full of different moments.
Good luck to you most people never ask themselves these questions!

DeepThinkingGirl · 28/04/2021 13:22

Where did you get that voice in your head op? How was your parents like with other people.. creating drama or talking shit ? Identify that and bring it to your conscious and then you can start recognizing things befor they happen

Babyroobs · 28/04/2021 13:24

I am the same. I think as I get older I care less and less about what people think of me and won't pander to idiots. I have been rude to my boss recently, I'm surprised he hasn't sacked me, he probably would have done had I not been good at my job and he knows he needs me in the team. I'm grouchy about the team I work with, I'm hardworking and know the stuff I need to know to get a good job done but others just take the piss and I have no tolerance for them.

tatoowooo · 28/04/2021 13:43

Have a read of this OP. I love it. It's basically saying we need to stop walking around like we are owed something from the world whereas it's actually the other way around. Also instead of talking at ppl why not try talking to them and asking them questions and LISTENING.

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 17:06

tatoowooo

I listen a lot, I just talk a lot too 🤦

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Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 17:08

crosshatching yes I guess at least I do recognize how annoying I am.

DeepThinkingGirl. My mum is lovely, my Dad very negative and critical although we get on much better now.

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cathybates · 28/04/2021 17:10

Following as I’m the same. I’m a judgemental bitch, can’t keep my opinions to myself and know that this totally comes from my childhood - a mother who was Uber critical (of everyone including me) and had no friends and a father who as hugely competitive and pushed me in every area of life. I hear myself (in my head and out loud) being like my mother and I struggle to make (and keep) female friends.

Following for tips as I absolutely hate myself and my life and need to change for the sake of my kids

FizzyPink · 28/04/2021 17:13

This is me when I’ve had a drink. The next day I cringe at how much of the conversation I must have dominated.
I also don’t really have a filter so when we get home sometimes DP will say “why on earth did you say that in front of my friends?” I really am trying to reign it in and not just say whatever is in my head but it’s hard!

PatrickBatemann · 28/04/2021 17:14

@cathybates

Following as I’m the same. I’m a judgemental bitch, can’t keep my opinions to myself and know that this totally comes from my childhood - a mother who was Uber critical (of everyone including me) and had no friends and a father who as hugely competitive and pushed me in every area of life. I hear myself (in my head and out loud) being like my mother and I struggle to make (and keep) female friends.

Following for tips as I absolutely hate myself and my life and need to change for the sake of my kids

I'm the exact same

Cowbells · 28/04/2021 17:18

OP, you could try paying close attention to how you feel when you are on the receiving end of a similar person. How do they come over to you? At what point do you wish they would break off and give someone else a chance to speak? Do they have redeeming qualities - passion, articulacy etc that you admire?

In your position, I would find a couple of friends who love a big, heated opinionated discussion and meet them once a week for a walk and a steam release. It might help you be a bit more Zen at work.

I do the same, btw. Sometimes I say to DC - please shut me up. I am rambling on! I can hear myself drone.

RonniePickering · 28/04/2021 17:22

Following because I'm a bitter bitch. I'm not a huge fan of other humans. I can only tolerate them in small doses. Everything gets on my tits.

I could have written this 😒 I’ve never had time for faffers and idiots unfortunately.

quinin · 28/04/2021 17:43

Mediation helps a lot. I highly recommend listening to Sarah Blondin on the insight Timer app. It will change the way to feel about it.

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 18:02

Why do we self sabotage? Especially as we know we are doing it

Cowbells

Funnily enough I do have a very similar friend and we have lots of passionate debates about literally everything under the sun. The thing is, I like her and I like that she thinks about everything, she can be exhausting but also exhilarating! Never dull for sure but she can be judgemental and I don't like it, don't like it in myself either.

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Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 18:03

*quinin. Brilliant, I will look her up x

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LonginesPrime · 28/04/2021 18:41

Have you tried meditation, OP? It might help with letting go of some of the stress and annoying feelings.

Also, I find that journalling in the morning helps me to get all that stuff out so my mind feels clearer.

If your frustration is mostly related to work and to specific issues, is it worth considering changing roles to eliminate some of the particularly triggering stressors?

Seriouslymole · 28/04/2021 19:12

I’m the exact same. I can’t seem to help myself. I am critical and judgemental.
Fortunately for my DC I am married to a lovely, gentle, kind man who brings out the best in everyone and makes me a slightly better person. I can see people thinking “why on earth did he marry her?”.

Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 19:57

LonginesPrime

Thank you. Less work really and more personal stuff, I've got lots of friends weirdly and absolutely treasure them but I find myself having to be right about everything and I wonder how they haven't all just binned me ages ago. Presumably I have some redeeming features somewhere buried.

I'm trying to think now that we're allowed to socialise again that I could look at it as an opportunity to reinvent myself. Try and not be so sharp and preachy. It's like another person living in my head though that enjoys it, hate myself some days.

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Original poster

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 19:59

Seriouslymole I'm sure they don't look at you like that. Has anyone ever said anything to you about it or have you, like me, just decided that's who you are?

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LonginesPrime · 28/04/2021 20:36

I think in the first instance, OP, you need to worry about being kinder to yourself!

You're being incredibly hard on yourself here and it's going to be impossible to see the good in others and let some of this stuff go if you're judging yourself so harshly.

It's like another person living in my head though that enjoys it

Do you feel like you can't shut off your thoughts at all? Have you ever considered ADHD? I have ADHD, as do several of my friends/family, and I often feel that we judge others quite harshly because we have such high standards for ourselves too. Of course, it might be that without the ADHD - it's just the fact you mention being annoyed by your inner dialogue(s) and impulsivity (in terms of being opinionated and wanting to be different) that made me wonder.