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Original poster

Please help me be a nicer person

62 replies

Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 12:59

How do I stop myself pontificating and generally being a pain in the arse please? No one has said anything to me but I hear myself whittering on at work etc and another voice in my head is just despairing. I'm in my 40's, is it an age thing? How do you learn to zip it, help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 20:44

LonginesPrime

Totally right! Cannot turn off the inner dialogue, it tells me all the time how rubbish I am and how my behaviour will upset people. I don't mean this in anyway insulting, but it's almost like tourettes, I say things that are harsh (or write them more often this last year in group chats). Afterwards I think why did I do that but it's like a hit of adrenaline almost? Can I get away with it? I can't believe I act like this. I don't do it all the time and it might just be a snide remark but there it is, out there.

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Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 20:48

That sounds awful, I don't do it very often but did today and a bit yesterday, made me ashamed.

OP posts:
Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 28/04/2021 21:02

@crosshatching

At least you have self-awareness going for you! I find it helpful to give myself a pause before I speak (esp if I'm irritated) to think, 'will I care in 6 weeks? Will I remember in 6 months?'. If the answer is no - leave it. It's an irritating moment in a day that's full of different moments. Good luck to you most people never ask themselves these questions!
100% Also speak to yourself nicely however you behave, then you won't be as stressed and less likely to act accordingly. It's not about excusing bad behaviour but self compassion and forgiveness. Google 'Kirsten Neff' and Brene Brown.
rainbowfairydust · 28/04/2021 21:04

What sort of things do you say?
If you have lots of friends then perhaps it's not as bad as you think, maybe they like you for being so opinionated and interesting and appreciate you keeping the conversation going?
My best friend is very bitchy and opinionated but it makes for an interesting catch up as I'm like a wall flower... Don't like discussing myself or my life as it's so dull, I sit on the fence over issues as I don't like to offend others so I'm careful over what I say. So I probably come accross as uninteresting and don't have that many friends. Opinionated people used to irritate me but quite often they are interesting and do most of the talking so it works quite well for me, if everyone was quiet and considerate then life would be quite dull!!!
Just apologise if you think you said something out of hand, say you have a habit of saying the first thing that pops into your head without thinking and quite often it isn't what you actually mean or feel, I'm sure most people have done this on many occasions!

Carnegie100 · 28/04/2021 21:14

Im also interested in examples of things that you have said....maybe they are not that bad!

Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 21:50

Ok, let me think. Family member is very interested in home decor, her life revolves around it, I'm so not, my interests are more swimming, theatre that kind of thing. She never talks about my interests but insists we know about hers so I will take a pop at her if I can, I'm trying to put her down and I know I am. I look for little ways to have a dig but not enough to upset her just enough that she knows I think what she's interested in is vacuous. I've got a feeling I wouldn't be like that if she was interested in my swimming stuff (I do triathlon) that sounds so petty and attention seeking. I can't believe I'm even writing that down, I'm late 40's fgs

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 21:51

rainbowfairydust

I bet you'd be really interesting if you just said what was going on in your head! Everyone is interesting, I love a good fiesty conversation and enjoy when people spar back.

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Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 21:58

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice

Thank you, I will look them up x

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Itsabeautifulday81 · 28/04/2021 22:00

The very fact you write this thread, that you are concerned - leads me to believe that you’re actually a very nice person and people probably don’t think this about you at work and you’re well liked!

margaritasbythesea · 28/04/2021 22:03

I second reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's witchcraft.

Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 22:21

Itsabeautifulday81

That's really kind, I think I'm def still work in progress though!

margaritasbythesea

I had that book years ago I'm sure, will look up again, thank you

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MajesticWhine · 28/04/2021 22:24

I agree that you seem to be fundamentally a good person because you care about this stuff. If you were an arsehole you wouldn't be aware let alone care. You could do with working on your self esteem because you put people down maybe as a way of compensating to make yourself feel better. And you may be projecting some of your worst fears about yourself onto others.
Have you thought about having some therapy? There is a specialist type of therapy called dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) that could be helpful. It would help you work on your self concept and your interpersonal style and basically help you figure out why you behave as you do.

scaredsadandstuck · 28/04/2021 22:28

OP I'm following with interest as I feel similarly to you about myself.

Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 22:33

MajesticWhine

That sounds really interesting, I know a therapist, I need to get myself down there

OP posts:
Newchances · 28/04/2021 22:38

I'm the exact same unfortunately...trying to work on myself too

Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 22:47

Newchances

Perhaps we could all use this thread to help ourselves when we feel a 'moment' coming on!

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RubyFakeLips · 28/04/2021 23:14

I'm going to go against the grain and say, I don't think being nice is all it's cracked up to be.

Sure, if your behaviour is bothering you or feels more compulsive rather than a choice, try and make a change. It does sound as if you have some feelings of inadequacy but being 'nice' isn't something I would aspire to. Will it enhance or improve your life, or would some self-acceptance do the trick?

So many of the nice people I encounter, are nice but dull or nice but dim. I'm of a similar age to you, and have reached the point where I don't want to put up with other people, feign interest in them or their opinions. Even worse, listen to them spout plainly untrue nonsense unchecked. I am kind, considerate and compassionate but to use your example, I do not want to hear about your triathlon, I do know more than the intern at work and I will be openly disagreeable if I don't like something. I save my energy for friends (I also weirdly manage to maintain many) and family.

Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 23:41

RubyFakeLips

Ha! I like your honesty!

I don't mention much about the triathlon but do think if I have to listen to my SIL banging on about her wallpaper then she could reciprocate every now and then and show a bit of interest in my life. She doesn't so I find myself making snide comments about her.

Agree that nice can be dull but don't want to be nasty. I can be nasty sometimes I know I can. Argumentative for the sake of it too, surely that's just irritating for everyone?

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Original poster
Helpmebenicer · 28/04/2021 23:42

Sorry not about her but to her. Find a way to have a dig.

OP posts:
DeepThinkingGirl · 29/04/2021 04:44

It’s true .. I think aim to be kind, especially with those closest to you that you care about.

Accept who you are as a person.. grow in self awareness and acceptance..and it will glow all around you.

If you are getting triggered and behaving impulsively then it’s likely that you have emotional issues from childhood to sort through.. bring it to your conscience and be more mindful.

BuddhaAtSea · 29/04/2021 05:39

God, I’m a bit like that too.
Before I forget, How to influence people Book is 49 p on Kindle, I just got it. One of those books I always wanted to read but never got round to.

I waffle on and then think: god, I did that, I bore myself, how did they must have felt? But it’s bloody hard to talk sense all the time. It should probably be easy to just not say anything at all. Should.

I’m reading a book on positive communication, hoping to reign in a bit of my brashness.

Aleric · 29/04/2021 06:08

Op it takes all sorts. I never notice men wanting to crawl under a rock after they've spent a day pontificating or a night out dominating the conversation. But i know plenty of women who do.

I think it's inbred in us that this personality type is unbecoming and we should resist falling into the trap and stop beating ourselves up over it.

My mum says to me (when I've called her up to splurge the fact I've spent yet another night yabbering on, being indiscreet etc etc), and did anyone die? No. Thankfully that's never been the outcome and actually my friends are still my friends, they still like me and still invite me out.

And i do often think God I'd love to just be nice but then think actually, for the most part, i quite like being me.

readingismycardio · 29/04/2021 06:23

@cathybates

Following as I’m the same. I’m a judgemental bitch, can’t keep my opinions to myself and know that this totally comes from my childhood - a mother who was Uber critical (of everyone including me) and had no friends and a father who as hugely competitive and pushed me in every area of life. I hear myself (in my head and out loud) being like my mother and I struggle to make (and keep) female friends.

Following for tips as I absolutely hate myself and my life and need to change for the sake of my kids

This is me. In my case it was also my grandmother, not only my DM.
zoemum2006 · 29/04/2021 06:28

You sound like a hoot OP I wouldn’t worry - you’d know if people were annoyed by you as you seem self-aware.

Your worst crime is that you het a bit passive aggressive with your SIL because she’s self involved? Amateur lol.

Either force the conversation about your hobbies or tell her you’ve reached saturation point with the topic and you need to change the topic.

But mainly realise women need to stop beating themselves up. I do it too about every stupid thing I’ve said/ done.

Maybe we need to fixate on the nice things we've done instead?

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 29/04/2021 08:25

Please just be yourself! I enjoy hearing others opinions, and I enjoy hearing radical views, if anything it makes a stimulating conversation.
Before shared media, what do you think people spoke about?
Don't forget it could be a cultural thing - where one of my parents is from people will say something deliberately a bit wild or even made up just for the sake of coversation. They never really believe it, but just enjoy the backwards and forwards.
The interactions also sounds really flamboyant, with lots of touching, it can sometimes look like arguing.
In the UK though, this can be percieved very badly. Lucky there's lots of consistent rules and once you have them all, while it's boring if you follow it people will like you. Look how many posts on here praising the virtues of being quiet. I found the best way to get popular at work was when I was tired and hardly said anything, or agreed with people just to move on (post baby!)

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