Are adoptive parents allowed to do this? Privacy concerns...

[MowldyStupidAndAssive]

I'm in a Facebook parenting group that has about 5k members. It's not an adoption support group, just a general parenting group, and although it's a private group and the rules ban screenshots this is obviously not enforceable in any way.

There is a member who has an adoptive child, not a baby/toddler, an older child. This member posts about the child most days, including lots of photos.

So now everyone in the group knows the child's name (both full and shortened version, and the reason the child only uses the shortened version), that they were adopted and roughly how long ago, roughly where they live, the dates/locations/reasons for some of their medical appointments, details of the child's educational issues and disabilities, the school the child goes to... The list goes on!

Is this allowed? I was really surprised to see the level of detail they post (way more than I would dream of posting about my birth children tbh) and can hardly believe it's ok to do so with an adoptive child

Why not private message her your concerns

@Ted27 this is so true! When my DS was a baby I used to get so flustered at baby groups. DS was always very very tall for his age - looked 2 when he was 10 months.

Everyone I met would be fascinated about how big he was. I'd get asked what his birth weight was , is his Dad very tall?

I had no idea what his birth weight was and that would confuse people so much.

I even got people commenting on how much he looked like me and it took me a long time before I could just smile at that and not immediately laugh and blab that actually he was adopted.

When I adopted DD there was no hiding it when I suddenly turned up at The pre school school gate with a 10 month old baby that no one had seen before.

@AngelsWithSilverWings

to add to the fun I am white and my son is mixed heritage. Cue endless conversations about where he came from and surprise that no I hadnt popped over to Africa to get him. I did pop to Buckinghamshire though

DD was horrified last year when someone thought she was my biological child - she is a talented dancer and someone watching her turned to me and asked if I had been a dancer when I was young the idea that she could have inherited my (lack of) dancing ability was very distressing for her!

She also announced to her school class last year, when learning about the effect of alcohol on a foetus, that this is what her Mum had done. In that situation I wanted everyone to know she is adopted

Every family is different, in our case (trans-racial, older child adoption) if it comes up in conversation then we're quite open about it. But equally we're quite used to brushing off questions with 'that's private' if we don't want to share any particular bit of information.

I did get annoyed when a recent assessment referred to me in the report NINE times as DD's 'foster mother', having noted that she was adopted years ago. Oh, and birth mother was referred to twice, both times just as 'mother' without qualification.

I sent rather a terse email and got a corrected version referring to me as DD's mother, once the birth mother/was adopted matter had been noted.

Why do you have such a problem with parents being open about their children being adopted

I don’t! I know my dd is adopted, she knows she’s adopted. It’s nobody else’s business! If dd wants to tell her friends she’s adopted that’s her choice. It isn’t my place to share her personal info with the world.

BTW your GP/hospital consultant is the best place to gain advice around medical issues - unless you think Joe Bloggs on a general parenting site will know better? My dd has a medical issue that May, or may not, be hereditary. It makes no difference to the treatment she receives.

That is why it's not allowed

FFS. It is 'allowed' - once the adoption order is granted it is no-one else's business what the parent decides about SM. It may not be a good idea, but it is for the PARENTS to decide what is appropriate for their child/ren.

@MonkeyGames I think it's fine for you to be how you want to be and I'll be how I am. We are clearly very different in our attitudes to adoption.

I'll get straight on the the support charity that has been helping and supporting families and children who have the same disease as my daughter for over 40 years that they can shut up shop because my hotline to our NHS consultant is apparently all we really need.

@Allington, I share your frustration. People who think they know more than most and they know very little.....just read the thread as a start FFS!

to add to the fun I am white and my son is mixed heritage. Cue endless conversations about where he came from and surprise that no I hadnt popped over to Africa to get him

Same here. Strangely enough people very rarely questioned it when I introduced her as my dd. I guess they assumed my dh was of a different race. Those that knew me before DD’s arrival though!.... The thoughtless, mindless, ignorant people who asked “Have you adopted her?” Followed by, “Why is she adopted? Was she abused? Are her parents druggies? Where is she from? Have you met her parents? Couldn’t her grandparents look after her? And on and on....All in front of dd. I always reply, “It isn’t something we discuss outside of the family”.

Jog on.... 🖕

FFS. It is 'allowed' - once the adoption order is granted it is no-one else's business what the parent decides about SM. It may not be a good idea, but it is for the PARENTS to decide what is appropriate for their child/ren

Agreed!

If there were any concerns about the child’s info being disclosed publically it would be made a stipulation in the adoption terms.

Some children should definately not be posted Over SM. That doesn’t mean no child should. Every child is different and their circumstances are different. It is not a blanket rule for all.

I said upthread I thought it was daft.

I'd like to qualify. I personally think it is daft for any parent to post that much detail including photos on such a large facebook site, adoptive or not. Depending on the circumstances adoption might make it even more daft.

However it is up to the parents who know their own situation and their own boundaries to make their own decision.

@MonkeyGames I've had the same rude questioning in front of the DC so I sympathise. As long as people are polite I will engage with them but I have met a few like you have described and it's not pleasant.

@MonkeyGames

That was unecessary, I have not been rude or uncivil to you.

As you say, no blanket rule for all. Of course I do not discuss the details of my son’s history with random people, not even my mum knows the full story, but nor am I going to pretend or tie myself in knots trying to avoid it

@Ted27 I don't think @MonkeyGames aimed that last remark at you I think it was aimed at the people she was describing in solidarity with your experiences.

@Ted27 Uh? Where have I been rude to you? I agreed with you? 🤔

@Ted27 Oops! My mistake. It was Allington I should have tagged 🥴

However, I haven’t disagreed with you on any of your posts

It makes me sad to read some threads and posts on MN regards adoption and being an adoptive parent.
As @121Sarah121 said upthread, it can already be isolating to be an adoptive parent. There is especially a massive lack of understanding and support on MN I feel.
Only last week, I was on a thread regarding someone who had infertility issues and I posted to share my experience. Unfortunately a couple of the posts on there were really offensive about adoption and how very dare some people even suggest it as a way to add to your family.
There’s lots of solidarity and support on here for those struggling to get pregnant or those coping with loss but I really feel like us adoptive parents get a bit of a rough ride.
So sending love and support out there to all other adoptive parents. As all parents, we’re just doing the best we can.

Of course it’s allowed- they are the child’s parent, just as much as a biological parent with custody of their child.

That said, I would want to be more discreet if I was them. Friends of mine who have children who they adopted don’t have social media and are dreading their children getting older and wanting their own accounts. The birth families of my friend’s children “probably” aren’t dangerous to them but it’s a complication they don’t need especially when they are just children.

@cosmopolitanplease

This reminds me of the little boy (I won't name him) who is often on the news doing charity walks with his prosthetic legs. He still has the same first name as his father who abused him and caused his legs to be amputated. I can't understand how it is allowed that the little lad is identified so publicly, again and again.

Well I had no idea about this child’s previous abuse until you decided to announce it on here. Seems a bit hypocritical to complain about others publicly identifying him whilst doing the exact same thing yourself.

@Allington Both my children have additional needs with FASD. I am also very quick to point that when she or someone else mentions the FASD (school /SENCO etc) that it's her birth mum that she's talking about.

@MummyJ12. Well said.

Adoptive parents go through extensive training and assessment before they are approved to have a child placed with them. They are then subject to extra scrutiny before an adoption is finalised. We are made very aware of any risks in our use of social media.
As people have said, once the final adoption order is granted, there are no restrictions in place unless the child becomes part of any other care plan.
Nowadays children are often placed a distance away from their birth families in a different local authority area. They sometimes have their identities changed. Many have not been seen by their birth families since they were very young.
Yes there can sometimes be security issues for them, but this is not always the case.
So I think you need to trust that the child’s parent more than anybody else on the group you’re in, have their child’s safety and privacy in mind.
Would you call out any of the other parents for what they share?

I agree with a lot of what has been said. I think it is a balancing act that only the parents can decide.
We are very open about the adoption. Having 2 young children means that most people know (I have never told the children they can’t talk about it). I also talk openly about the adoption. My adoptive child has significant trauma, attachment issues and anxiety which means he is not neurotypical and cannot do a lot of what other children his chronological age can do (because he is complex and has missed out huge parts of development). It made me think about this after reading The Boy who was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry and when my birth child asked why my other child wasn’t “normal”. I’ve explained to both children (the eldest in more detail who knows far too much about brain development for a little one) that the adoptive child has had a difficult start to life and missed out on a lot and never felt safe in birth family and it is our job to help feel safe and give opportunities that they would never have had. If the children have noticed that there is differences why shy away? I know a lot of parents will challenge me on this and say it is not my story to tell and there is truth in that but it is our story to tell. Our family story and I am proud of both my kids and I want them to know it.

Also sending support to adoptive families that feel judged.

I don't think the issue is the child is adopted. The issue is a parent who is over sharing so much information. The same parent would do the same regardless of how the child came into their family.

But that doesn't make it right.

Children are educated in school about being careful on what they put on SM about themselves and how difficult it is to control once its out there.

Adults need educated.
I'd honestly start a discussion on how adults would feel if others could access their childhood information.

Even on here there have been a couple of posters whom I've recognised from another parenting forum. So much info that was given about their DC and situation.

@121Sarah121

I think it's a balancing act with few clear 'rights and wrongs' - I share details of my DD's early (and current!) life only when there is a clear need, such as to the SENCO or other professionals.

When needing to explain something more generally for her benefit e.g. the parent of one of her friends who needs to understand where a particular behaviour is coming from - I would say she had quite disrupted early years, and that means sometimes she does XYZ and it is best to respond with ABC.

If there is no benefit to her, then I keep quiet, except in situations e.g. close friends and family who are supporting me - but then only what they need to know to understand my reactions, i.e. my part of the story.

So it depends on context and, as DD gets older, her wishes. Like most things connected with parenting!

@mum11970 I haven't been trawling court records or doing research to find out the child's story. His parents recount it regularly in interviews. It's quite widely known, thanks to publicity. And I think that's wrong.