Are adoptive parents allowed to do this? Privacy concerns...

[MowldyStupidAndAssive]

I'm in a Facebook parenting group that has about 5k members. It's not an adoption support group, just a general parenting group, and although it's a private group and the rules ban screenshots this is obviously not enforceable in any way.

There is a member who has an adoptive child, not a baby/toddler, an older child. This member posts about the child most days, including lots of photos.

So now everyone in the group knows the child's name (both full and shortened version, and the reason the child only uses the shortened version), that they were adopted and roughly how long ago, roughly where they live, the dates/locations/reasons for some of their medical appointments, details of the child's educational issues and disabilities, the school the child goes to... The list goes on!

Is this allowed? I was really surprised to see the level of detail they post (way more than I would dream of posting about my birth children tbh) and can hardly believe it's ok to do so with an adoptive child

I'd probably just report the group to be fair

It depends on the story behind the adoption, to be honest. Unwanted pregnancy/can’t raise this child/product of rape, it’s highly unlikely the birth parents would be seeking them.
If a child was removed by SS for their own safety and eventually adopted out, that’s an entirely different story and efforts should be made to protect the child’s identity and location.

Either way it’s really stupid to post school uniform pics and identifying information in a group full of strangers, anybody could be reading.

@Gobbeldegook seriously? So social services should close down or monitor all parenting support Facebook groups in case a predator trawls them for info that would enable them to abduct a child?

I post first day at school photos of my kids in school uniform every September - are you doing to report me to SS too?

I’m an adoptive parent, I don’t use social media for many reasons

@miltonj I agree with you

@Gobbeldegook do you really think social services have the capacity to deal with reports about every parent who over shares. They have enough difficulties keeping up with the children who are in actual danger

@Emmelina

It depends on the story behind the adoption, to be honest. Unwanted pregnancy/can’t raise this child/product of rape, it’s highly unlikely the birth parents would be seeking them. If a child was removed by SS for their own safety and eventually adopted out, that’s an entirely different story and efforts should be made to protect the child’s identity and location.

Either way it’s really stupid to post school uniform pics and identifying information in a group full of strangers, anybody could be reading.

The vast majority of children adopted in the UK are not given up freely. Most are children who have been removed from their parents.

But regardless its stupid for all sorts of reason to be publishing details of anyone online.
Stalkers, identity theft, children getting upset as they get older.
Most adults their baby photos are hiding in a box in their mums house, not accessible for other people to look up. Children may well resent that level of detail to be available in 10-20 years.

@Gobbeldegook hilarious - I've been in this site occasionally trying to educate people about the realities of adoption and dispel the many myths about it for 15 years now. Glad I didn't give up on my mission as quickly as you have.

@Emmelina

It depends on the story behind the adoption, to be honest. Unwanted pregnancy/can’t raise this child/product of rape, it’s highly unlikely the birth parents would be seeking them. If a child was removed by SS for their own safety and eventually adopted out, that’s an entirely different story and efforts should be made to protect the child’s identity and location.

Either way it’s really stupid to post school uniform pics and identifying information in a group full of strangers, anybody could be reading.

Adopted out?! What an awful term and choice of words. Your post is the perfect example of what we’re up against.

I am an adoptive parent and a birth parent.

I don’t use Facebook now but loved posting photos of my birth child as a baby. I was so proud and wanted the world to know. Why would an adoptive parent, who goes through such a difficult process to adopt, feel any differently?

Also, being an adoptive parent is so isolating. If the parent is seeking support, I completely get it. The community of adoptive families can be quite small and social media, regardless of what type, can be useful for parents to seek support. It is up to the parent to know if there are safeguarding issues. It is a personal choice based on circumstances. My child’s birth family is a risk and therefore, I don’t have Facebook any more. That’s not the case for all families.

(I use the word parent without adoptive because if the order is granted they have same rights and responsibilities as any other parent in the group. Both my children are my children and as a family, we don’t introduce ourselves as birth and adoptive child. I’m mum to both and my kids are both my kids. They just joined my family in different ways.)

@121Sarah121 brilliantly put.

Neither of my children's birth family are a risk to them or us. I could actually publish my DD's full name , date and time of birth , the hospital name and her birth weight and there would still be no risk of any birth family finding her!

With DS there is the "risk" that his birth mother could track him to us but I know there is no danger of her actually doing anything about it.

I don't agree with posting children's private information (e.g. medical info) publicly, but that's just my opinion and I can understand why some people disagree.

Every adoption is different and many birth parents don't pose a risk. The parents can make their own risk assessment based on the circumstances.

It’s stupid for any parent to over share personal info about their children on SM groups. But we all know parents who do it.

To answer your question OP there is no law against adopted parents posting on SM. When a child in placed with adopters the adopters have exactly the same rights and responsibilities as any other parent.

What this parent is posting is OTT and stupid. But not breaking any laws or adoption rules.

Foster carers are not allowed to post anything on SM regarding children in their care - for obvious reasons.

Apart from the uncalled for details about the child’s health and school etc in this case what springs out to me is why the parent labelled the child as adopted in the first place? 🤔

One reason why the parent may have "labelled" the child as adopted is because when asking for advice and support on some issues the adoptive background is extremely relevant information.

If it was a in-family adoption then I imagine there might not be much of a risk. You could drop her a msg if you’re worried and remind her that things aren’t always as private as they seem - she could then delete her posts.

@GrumpyHoonMain why did you think this adoptive needs advice from the OP?

Maybe the better thing to do would be for OP to make a public statement on the group page reminding members of the need to not over share personal info? Why pick out this particular parent?

The only adoptive children I know who are not allowed their photos taken during school are those who are at risk of their biological extended family finding them. But this is not the case for all adopted children. My friend adopted a chinese daughter and photographing her is never an issue.

One reason why the parent may have "labelled" the child as adopted is because when asking for advice and support on some issues the adoptive background is extremely relevant information

The first few lines of the OP makes it clear that the group is not an adoption support group. It’s a parenting group.

If the parent needs advice specifically around adopted children there are official adoption groups where she can ask for advice/support. That’s what they are there for. It’s a bit pointless asking for support around adoption on a FB parenting group. How would a parent know about the stresses, pitfalls and differences between raising their own children and raising a child who has been placed with them? The fact is they wouldn’t (unless they have experienced it).

@MonkeyGames but adopted parents still have children that have issues not related to being adopted. I am on a support group for parents with children that have a fairly rare illness ( rare for children anyway). If I ask a question on there I may have to state in advance that my child is adopted because some of the advice may not be relevant to us because she is adopted. I'm being vague here but stuff about genetics or hereditary conditions can be complicated.

General parenting forums are useful to me and I shouldn't have to stick to groups that are only for adopted parents. That would I reduce the pool of advice I have access to.

General parenting forums are useful to me and I shouldn't have to stick to groups that are only for adopted parents. That would I reduce the pool of advice I have access to

If you need advice around general parenting then there’s no reason you can’t get it from a general parenting group.

If you need advice relating to adoption you need a group specifically for that.

Nothing makes me froth more than a parent, when meeting others, who introduce themselves as “Hi. I’m Mary. This is my husband, Peter, my two children, Daniel and Delilah.... and our adopted son, Marcus. Why?? Most children, who are adopted, have been pushed from pillar to post and always been “different”. The join a family who promise to be their “forever parents” and who will love them and raise them in exactly the same way as their siblings. All they want is a sense of belonging. And the first chance they get their parents introduce them as “adopted” again making them different.

In OP’s case if the parent had introduced her dc as “This is my dd, Millie. She’s 9 years old (or whatever) she attends St Michaels school and has (insert health condition)”, do you think OP would be looking to report her? Does OP want to report the parent because she used the ten “adopted”? Can’t you see why the label is not needed? Apart from family, friends, close neighbours, social services and the adoption agency nobody needs to know a member of your family is adopted.

There is a good adoption board on this site where you can gain valuable advice from other adopters. Posting in AIBU about an adopted child is pointless!

Schools are increasingly using SM platforms such as Twitter to keep parents updated. I have just signed a permission slip to allow dd’s images and photos but I’m not allowing her photos be named. My main concern is that I don’t want her feeling left out or different, and I don’t have concerns because she is now unrecognisable. I have only just started to feel comfortable with it though.....

@MonkeyGames I am very aware of the adoption board thank you - I have had lots of great support from there over the years but it's not where I would go to get advice about a specific medical issue , or an issue about bullying or say if I needed help choosing a school. My children's adoption status would possibly come up in the discussions on these other general forums as it could often be relevant.

Why do you have such a problem with parents being open about their children being adopted? You remind me of one of DS's teachers who used to lower her voice and whisper the word "adopted" when she spoke about it. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed off.

I don't offer up my children's adopted status just for the sake of it. But I do answer questions honestly and openly as I don't feel the need to hide the information away.

@MonkeyGames

its really not for you to say who needs to know if a child is adopted, although I’m interested to know why you think close neighbours should be privy to that information.

Being adopted is not something to be ashamed of or necessarily to be kept secret, although the specific circumstances are of course private.

Many of us don’t the opportunity to keep it private. I’m a single parent, I’d lived in my street for over 10 years, I disappeared for a week and popped up again with an 8 year old. It was a bit obvious, so just as easy to acknowledge it.
I once had a conversation with a new adoptive mum who had quite a young baby who went to a mum and baby group. She was absolutely distraught because everyone was talking about their birth stories and she was thinking about making one up. Why should she have to lie ?

My son is very proud to be adopted. When we had our court hearing he wanted to share how happy he was with his friends, so I sent cake and they had a party at school, Should I have denied him that.

I will choose who needs to know.

angels I don’t think adoption is something to be ashamed of at all but it might not be something children want everyone knowing.

There’s a world of difference between a sense of shame and a sense something is private.

So I do think it’s good for children if they are given the option of sharing it if they are comfortable to.

Angels I agree, there are plenty of times when a child being adopted is relevant to the situation, but an issue is much wider and can't just be shunted off to the adoption board.

A really simple example is if posting on education about school admissions or additional support in schools.

I had a birth parent come to school to try and see his children who had been taken away due to sexual abuse
He had found the school viathe daughters social media which was not private and he saw her school badge

A friend of mine has adopted a child and birth parents have threatened abduction

That is why it's not allowed