How many people would come to my funeral?

[Ecci]

DH and I were discussing this and we both feel that there's unlikely to be more than 10 mourners, let alone the 30 currently allowed. We don't have any children, lots of young adult nieces and nephews but only 3 of them are likely to come. Possibly a few friends. Is this unusual? Do most people have more than 30? I suggested to DH that if he went first, I would arrange for him to have one of those just cremations, but no funeral. Much to my astonishment, he was appalled. He wants an actual funeral, even though there'd be hardly anyone there. I suppose I'd have to comply with his wishes, if that situation arises.

Here in Ireland (pre covid) the whole parish(village) would go to a funer of a local. Ppl of relatives go to pay their respects. It's a real social thing to be honest. Ppl come from all over to pay respects to the deceased and family. There could be hundreds.

@qualitygirl

Here in Ireland (pre covid) the whole parish(village) would go to a funer of a local. Ppl of relatives go to pay their respects. It's a real social thing to be honest. Ppl come from all over to pay respects to the deceased and family. There could be hundreds.

I was coming on to say this. I found it very odd when living in England that people had to be ‘invited’ to funerals, and that the feeling was that attendance should be limited to those who were invited as having known the deceased well, and there have been posts on here from people outraged that non-invited people showed up at the church. In Ireland the idea of being invited would be strange. It’s been one of the hardest things about Covid for many people, and there have been innovations like the hundreds of people who would normally come to the removal/church/burial lining the road, socially distanced, between the funeral home and the church.

I was in a town last summer after a local death and literally virtually every house and business had people standing in front and the blinds down.

So my point was that the number at your funeral is as much a cultural thing as how many friends and family you have.

I’d have hundreds, but because of a culture of funeral-going. For instance, my mother’s childhood neighbours would drive 40 miles even though they haven’t seen me in 20 years. My retired dad’s former colleagues. Colleagues from a job I left in 2012. The builder I’ve had working on my house since February would come. All of DS’s class would come. Etc etc.

Mine would be pretty sparse too. I'm just not a sociable person. Not that I have ever really thought about it, but my parents had to play mourner-chess when arranging my sister's funeral recently, had to bump off a friend so an extra relative could go, that kind of thing. It just made me realise how few contacts I have outside my family, and how many would have attended hers if it had been restriction free.

I’d have hundreds, but because of a culture of funeral-going. For instance, my mother’s childhood neighbours would drive 40 miles even though they haven’t seen me in 20 years. My retired dad’s former colleagues. Colleagues from a job I left in 2012. The builder I’ve had working on my house since February would come. All of DS’s class would come. Etc etc.
@CalaminePink this made me tear up (I'm so emotional at the moment) but I love this about Ireland, I love that we drop everything to support families in a time of need, when my granny died I saw all sorts of ppl that I hadn't seen in years. We had a great time reminiscing and everyone brought food too, there was food everywhere, we felt very loved.

I would probably have well over 100 when you take into account friends, colleagues, neighbours, grown-up children’s friends etc. You don’t get invited to a funeral inScotland - you just go, even if you only know the family of the deceased.

How do you get invited to a funeral? Do you get an invite? I'm genuinely interested as it wouldn't happen here. A person died in a Monday and they are buried on the Thursday/Friday after a wake (which is usually two days.

That's supposed be "If a person dies on a Monday"

I'm in Scotland and have never heard of being invited to a funeral.

I'm not having one but if I did there would be my kids, DH and my dad there I suppose.

If you have no children who do you leave your property to in your will just wondering

I work in the funeral sector. There is no normal number of mourners.

Before Covid we had huge funerals with 500+ and tiny ones with 1 or 2.

id say the average is about 50 or so. Work colleagues, Friends, Family, extended family, neighbours, and care workers etc all turn up to say goodbye.

You'd be surprised. Some people go to funerals of people they hardly know, or haven't seen for years. Old neighbours, work colleagues from years ago, someone who used to pop in their shop sometimes. I'm always surprised at who comes out of the woodwork if there's a buffet available.

Some people go to funerals of people they hardly know, or haven't seen for years.

This is one of the main reasons I don't want a funeral.

When my DM died (aged 58) we filled the crematorium pews and had 3 rows of standing at the back.
I was amazed even though I knew she was one of those people everyone likes! She couldn't go anywhere in the world without bumping into someone she knew!
There were so many people from different stages of her life; old work colleagues, friends from when she was a teenager, staff from her most recent job as a medical secretary (including multiple consultants), an ex boyfriend from her early 20s, etc.

@qualitygirl

How do you get invited to a funeral? Do you get an invite? I'm genuinely interested as it wouldn't happen here. A person died in a Monday and they are buried on the Thursday/Friday after a wake (which is usually two days.

The gap between death and funeral is conventionally much longer in England. Three weeks seems quite usual, sometimes longer. Which would feel difficult to me — a long limbo — but English friends have said they would find the usual Irish speed too rushed and difficult psychologically.

What I do often wonder is about undertaker/funeral home/priest capacity — I see people on Mn talking about not being able to get a crematorium slot of book a church funeral, yet in Ireland it’s not unusual for someone to die at 3 am Tuesday, have the rosary Tuesday night, removal Wednesday, funeral and burial Thursday.

@chittychittybang

You'd be surprised. Some people go to funerals of people they hardly know, or haven't seen for years. Old neighbours, work colleagues from years ago, someone who used to pop in their shop sometimes. I'm always surprised at who comes out of the woodwork if there's a buffet available.

In Ireland it’s not buffet-related or prurient. The childhood neighbours of my mothers who have attended family funerals will have climbed out of their milking overalls and driven 40 miles to attend prayers at a funeral home (the removal is generally at night and easier for people to get to), talk briefly to her, drop off a Mass card, and turned around and driven home again.

3weeks!!! I couldn't wait 3 weeks, that would be a disaster!!

@chittychittybang in Ireland the guests BRING the buffet! Well in my experience they do. We organized a small tableful for the first evening and after that it was replenished by friends and extended family.

@qualitygirl

How do you get invited to a funeral? Do you get an invite? I'm genuinely interested as it wouldn't happen here. A person died in a Monday and they are buried on the Thursday/Friday after a wake (which is usually two days.

You don't normally need an invite to a funeral - it's only at the moment, with limited numbers. In 'normal times' you can just go to whoever's funeral you want.

@qualitygirl

How do you get invited to a funeral? Do you get an invite? I'm genuinely interested as it wouldn't happen here. A person died in a Monday and they are buried on the Thursday/Friday after a wake (which is usually two days.

In parts of England people really do 'invite' people to funerals, in other parts not so much, just it's not made widely known the person has died & where & when the funeral is so it's not really a case of just turning up.

Most places I've lived it's been more of a case of just letting people know where & when it is rather than 'inviting' as such.

Is it regional, @TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN? I know a neighbour in a Midlands village where we lived was furious that some cousins she hadn’t invited showed up.

If I were to kick the bucket tomorrow, I probably would have 30+ mourners. A lot of them would be there to support the people who love me though; only 1/3 of them would actually be there to say goodbye to me.

I don't think it is so much 'invited to the funeral' but more 'have been informed of the death, asked to be told funeral details, and then told them'.

Our family is regularly 20+ for Christmas dinner and growing fast. Extended family gatherings are 60+ and village halls/rooms in pubs are hired. It is likely dh will die before his parents, (though they are not ready to a knowledge that!) I have spent a lot of time worrying about how not to upset his mum if he passed while Covid restrictions were in force. To me, the logical solution would be to arrange a direct cremation and then arrange a memorial service/gathering at a better time...I’m sure that would not go down well!

Can I ask the Irish posters, how many funerals you would attend in an average year? And is the work place culture accepting of granting leave for funerals? Particularly in work places with set hours, such as schools for example.

Agree that in England in normal times you don't need to be invited to go to a funeral. Sometimes people say "close family only" but that's unusual and if someone wants to go, they just go.