How many people would come to my funeral?

[Ecci]

DH and I were discussing this and we both feel that there's unlikely to be more than 10 mourners, let alone the 30 currently allowed. We don't have any children, lots of young adult nieces and nephews but only 3 of them are likely to come. Possibly a few friends. Is this unusual? Do most people have more than 30? I suggested to DH that if he went first, I would arrange for him to have one of those just cremations, but no funeral. Much to my astonishment, he was appalled. He wants an actual funeral, even though there'd be hardly anyone there. I suppose I'd have to comply with his wishes, if that situation arises.

"Bloody expensive though."

Paid for by the deceased person's estate though and if there is nothing and family don't want to pay, there is the option of a council funeral. A friend of mine was beneficiary to someone who said she had an insurance policy - turned out she hadn't paid it for years so he had to pay for it out of the inheritance.
Is it cheaper if the burial slot is already paid for or is most of the price the actual ceremony? You can have the wake at home with people bringing a dish, but it's more stress I suppose.

"I notice down the years on Mn posts from people who ask about what to wear to a funeral, is grey ok instead of black, what do you do in church, is bringing a baby ok, how to avoid crying etc etc, which reminds me that it’s a much more infrequent experience elsewhere."

Isn't that just typical MN overthinking? You get the same amount of questions about weddings and everything. And the question about grey I think is to do with changing customs.
I do think a British person could theoretically reach middle age before they go to a funeral though. I went to my first as a teenager then nothing for many decades, partly because I lived abroad and missed many family funerals because of that.
Ironically, I now live in a country where it's normal to go to the funerals of relatives you've never met of colleagues and I just opt out of that.

My great aunt's funeral was last week in Ireland where there are number restrictions on funerals and we are not supposed to leave our county.
The number restriction could have been filled twice over with local family.
There were still comments passed that no-one from our "branch" of the family attended.
To answer a PP I work in an office and if a colleagues close relative died it would be acceptable for me to attend the funeral in work time without taking AL.
If it was a neighbour I didn't know well I would attend the removal/wake in the evening outside work time and if it was a close family member I could attend the funeral without taking AL.
For a great aunt for example I wouldn't have to take AL if I could attend the funeral mass and work the afternoon, but if I had to travel and couldn't work that day at all I would.
A close friends parent where I would expect to attend the funeral mass, burial and meal after I would take AL.
This is all very workplace dependent and office jobs have much more leeway because you can make up time etc.
But as it's a cultural norm to attend a funeral that your manager is likely to share then time off is usually granted.
I don't live in a rural area so outside Covid I would attend maybe 4-5 removals a year and 1-2 funerals. I am 40, my parents would attend much more than that.

@Skyla2005
If you have no children who do you leave your property to in your will just wondering

You leave it to anyone you want to!

I don't think people tend to put notices in the paper so much these days. In my experience, people are not specifically invited.
People, like family and friends are notified of the death, then family members and anyone who asks are told when the funeral is.

I've moved around a lot and have friends all round the country but I wouldn't think any of them would come a long way for my funeral. It would only be local friends and some, but not all, family members.

Interesting how its so different in different parts of the UK.

@Gwenhwyfar

"I notice down the years on Mn posts from people who ask about what to wear to a funeral, is grey ok instead of black, what do you do in church, is bringing a baby ok, how to avoid crying etc etc, which reminds me that it’s a much more infrequent experience elsewhere."

Isn't that just typical MN overthinking? You get the same amount of questions about weddings and everything. And the question about grey I think is to do with changing customs.
I do think a British person could theoretically reach middle age before they go to a funeral though. I went to my first as a teenager then nothing for many decades, partly because I lived abroad and missed many family funerals because of that.
Ironically, I now live in a country where it's normal to go to the funerals of relatives you've never met of colleagues and I just opt out of that.

I don’t know. Could be, but I thought the fact that the questions were asked indicated that people didn’t know because it wasn’t something they did often.

And yes, I did also strike me that in much of the UK your first funeral might well be one of your parents, and I mean parents who died at a normal age, not someone who loses them in their teens or twenties. I think that must be very hard.

@Vinto yes well my workplace is very flexible.We had a colleague pass away two years ago and we put on a skeleton staff in our dept on the morning of the funeral so those who were close could attend. And as a pp said. Those who couldn't attend the mass, generally they pay their respects at the wake in the evening of the open house. Usually one night of the wake is open to all and one night is family only. I have popped out of work several times to attend a mass. They are fine in my workplace not sure about others.

Our deaths are advertised for 3 days (after the news) on the local radio stations in any area that the deceased may have ppl who knew them. My granny's death was announced on our county radio and another county radio station as she had friends/old colleagues up there.It's also posted in the free local newspapers. The funeral directors arrange all of that for the family.

" in much of the UK your first funeral might well be one of your parents, and I mean parents who died at a normal age, not someone who loses them in their teens or twenties. "

Well, only if you never had any grandparents or great uncle and aunts or uncles and aunts who pass before your parents. I wouldn't think it's that common to go to your first funeral at the age of about 60 for your first dead relative.

Yes, there probably is a bit of the questions being about funerals not being something they do often, but I was pointing out that you get these endless questions about every sort of event on MN. Just look at all the wedding threads, yet most people have been to a wedding by the time they're late twenties.

@Gwenhwyfar

" in much of the UK your first funeral might well be one of your parents, and I mean parents who died at a normal age, not someone who loses them in their teens or twenties. "

Well, only if you never had any grandparents or great uncle and aunts or uncles and aunts who pass before your parents. I wouldn't think it's that common to go to your first funeral at the age of about 60 for your first dead relative.

Yes, there probably is a bit of the questions being about funerals not being something they do often, but I was pointing out that you get these endless questions about every sort of event on MN. Just look at all the wedding threads, yet most people have been to a wedding by the time they're late twenties.

Well, ok, your first funeral is likely to be that of a close family member.

"Interesting how its so different in different parts of the UK."

I think it's pretty similar in England and Wales.
I'm very sceptical about your claim that people don't put notices in the paper any more though.

I attended my first funeral at the age of 9.

"Well, ok, your first funeral is likely to be that of a close family member."

Yes, grandparent quite likely,
My first was of a boy killed at school. I went to sing in the choir. Children's funerals are very different though, lots of people, lots of crying.
I think my first one after that was fifteen years later for a grandparent.
I did miss quite a few funerals I would have gone to if I'd been in the area though.

@qualitygirl

I attended my first funeral at the age of 9.

Where was this? in Wales, tends to be only close family that you'd got to at 9 years old, grandparent for example.

@Gwenhwyfar in Ireland. It's extremely Normal for children to attend funerals and wakes with open coffins. It was a neighbour. And I a year later I attended my aunts.

@qualitygirl

I attended my first funeral at the age of 9.

The first one I remember I was four, going on five, because it was for my great-uncle who lived with us, but it’s perfectly possible there were previous ones.

I wonder how RIP.ie has changed newspaper and radio announcements. Still lots of deaths and anniversary notices in our local paper, and my parents have RIP.ie as their home page, which my foreign friends crack up about.

Hundreds I would think. I’m in Cornwall where funeral going is a big thing too. I’m a well-liked (I hope!) teacher, have my own kids and am involved in many different societies etc, regular church attender and have a huge extended family. My grandmother died aged 92 a few years ago and had well over 100 even though nearly all of her contemporaries had already died.

I love a good funeral and have already planned mine even though I’m healthy and only in my 40s. Quite sad that I won’t actually be able to attend.

@CalaminePink I totally forgot about RIP.ie 🤣 only Ireland could have a web page based on death announcements 🤣👍

Here in the NW funerals are more Irish I suppose. I do my best to attend funerals - I suppose I've always thought of it as a social duty.

I know when it's been my family I've appreciated the turnout.

Just worked it out and I think I’ve been to 17 funerals, not including ones I’ve performed at professionally (am a singer). I’m 40 - is that a lot? Was unfortunate enough to lose 2 close friends and 1 other classmate during my 6th form years.

Bloody loads,we have 5DC and 1 DGS but I come from a large family,I have lots of nephews and nieces and great nephews and nieces and lots of cousin's,second cousins and 3rd cousin's and even though I'm 45 I'm still good friends with people I went to nursery with.

So there could easily be 200 or more at my funeral,my DM's and DF's funerals were the same.

@Gwenhwyfar

I have a fixed rule. I do not attend funerals. Much prefer to remember the departed in my own way, and as they lived. Funeral IMO are simply to deal with the left over body, and are frankly very depressing.
It would take an awful lot to make me attend Dh funeral and as we have no family, and he has no friends, that is why I would be the only one likely to attend.

"Funeral IMO are simply to deal with the left over body, and are frankly very depressing."

I don't find the funerals of old people depressing. They can be quite comforting.
I suppose only time will tell whether you'll make an exception for your DH.

@Gwenhwyfar

I'm very sceptical about your claim that people don't put notices in the paper any more though.

Why?

@Bargebill19

I agree, I wouldn't want to attend DH's funeral. I would have gone for just a cremation for him.

I've been to a lot of children's funerals, as I used to work in a school for disabled children, and sadly, lots of them died young. IMO, the funeral is for the family, not the person who has died.

I'm having a direct cremation. No one there

Why can Ireland put on funerals within days and it takes weeks here?

My Mum died in late '19 and I arranged a direct burial for her (no service, only v close family at the burial) and it still took nearly a week.
(We had a memorial/wake with a humanist celebrant and a spread a week after that - didn't bother with an announcement in the paper as her OH just went through her little black book and it was clear the place was going to be quite full enough anyway).

I grew up with elderly relatives keeling over every few years and my dim recollection was that it used to be around a week if that until the funeral.
I didn't like the idea of Mum's remains hanging around for weeks in an undertaker's fridge - I wanted to get her tucked into her grave so she could go back to Nature.

@user4726283 my guess is there's less of a population here. I don't know though. We also like to have open coffins. Does the U.K. have open coffins??