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Original poster

Pushy kid - on my last nerve to be honest !

79 replies

DiscordandRhyme · 21/04/2021 15:52

I feel like the biggest bitch here but Andes up with a particular girl in DD(8)s class just inviting herself to our house and being pushy when I say no, not today.

She'll come up with reasons why the reason I say she can't come doesn't matter. When she does come in she helps herself to food and drink and toys without asking me.

I also have a 5 year old and a 6 week old baby who naturally I'm spending a lot of time with.

I'm trying to be polite but firm but being firm is hard for me to do when it's met with resistance.

Her Mum doesn't seem to pick her up despite her just being 8 or at least she leaves by the time I see her. I used to talk to her Mum a lot when they came to the park but it's getting ridiculous now.

If we take an alternate route home she'll just knock and knock on our door.

As not to drip feed she has ADHD.

What's my best course of action/approach now? Feeling I'm close to being rude which is not me at all.

OP posts:
Nith · 22/04/2021 08:25

The mother picks her up from school but then lets her wander off and has no idea where she is? That really is a big safeguarding issue.

As for your own situation, don't bother to give her reasons. When she asks why she can't come in, say "I have said no, goodbye" and close the door. If she manages to get in anyway, tell her she has not been invited and must leave immediately. If she won't leave, call her mother and make it clear that she absolutely cannot stay.

StarCourt · 22/04/2021 08:33

You need to speak to her parents.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 22/04/2021 10:10

@StarCourt

You need to speak to her parents.
Her parents clearly dgaf so you need to report to school as a safeguarding issue. Or social services.

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WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2021 10:29

I think my first feeling in that situation would be concern - a child who is able to wander to your house, always needing / wanting food and drink and who now can't be found would make me wonder what's going on at home that means she doesn't want to be there.

Completely agree. It's not her fault - it's down to her parents. She's learned that she gets attention at your house - even if that attention is negative (being told that it isn't convenient for her to come in), whereas she might just be ignored at home; and that you have nice food in, whereas at home, there maybe isn't much (or anything nice).

I don't know that this is the case, but IF her mum has firmly told her that she's coming to yours after school and that she can have some food at yours, she assumes it's a done deal; in her eyes, your resistance might just be you being a bit stroppy - even trying to go back on an 'agreement' and not care for her as you should, which may be something she's sadly well used to. If she's learned that she has to keep pushing and badgering for any attention, or even for food - and that the badgering falls on deaf ears at home but does (eventually) work with you, what else is she going to do?

This might be a stretch, but when the police 'move on' (genuine) homeless people begging in the street, they don't suddenly have money and food drop in their lap from nowhere - they just have to find somewhere else where they might manage to get what they need.

Definitely talk to her mum and, if that doesn't work, raise it with the school, or even SS if you have real concerns. This is for adults to deal with - it shouldn't fall on the shoulders of an 8yo, neither should the girl be blamed for it.

Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 22/04/2021 10:38

@imalmostthere I'm sorry it comes across as just annoyance - I am annoyed but also worried. I'm annoyed with her Mum for letting it happen moreso than her as she's a young child.

I just have a very young baby so having someone who needs a lot of supervision is nearly impossible.

She is pushy in that she won't accept no as an answer - I'm not saying this makes her bad only that it's hard to deal with.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 22/04/2021 11:10

Surely she shouldn't be coming to your house anyway at the moment ?
Do you have her Mums number as us text her each time she comes over

Triffid1 · 22/04/2021 11:24

Going against the grain here, but I don't think an 8 year old calling round is not that big a deal from a safeguarding point of view. Many 8 year olds are perfectly capable of that and certainly in other countries it would be expected. Of course, it IS a bit worrying that her parents don't always know where she is - eg at 8 DS might have gone round the corner to a friend, but I was confident that he was there and would come straight home if his friend wasn't there.

As for not letting her in. That's easy. Just say no. Also, on food and drinks, just tell her no. I have a very firm rule - any children in my house, abide by my rules. So you treat her behaviour re snacks the same as you would your own DC and, if necessary, you send her home if she doesn't behave.

Neighbourhood kids seem o come to ours often. But it's very simple - I decide if they can come in and they al know that if they behave badly, they leave.

Triffid1 · 22/04/2021 11:25

Sorry, I don't think it's that big a deal from a safeguarding perspective.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 22/04/2021 12:30

@Triffid1 do you have any experience of children with ADHD? Often they have no impulse control and are easily distracted. So child sees something or someone on the other side of the street and as they are not aware of the dangers (simply because of the impulsiveness) they will run in the road.
It's foolish to think that an 8 year old is safe being by themselves, without knowing where they could be. You couldn't say to a child with adhd, go to the shop and get... or go to so and so's house as they are more than likely to get distracted and end up somewhere else.

Tinkling · 22/04/2021 16:39

I have an 8 year old and I wouldn’t dream of letting them go anywhere alone, and that is without ADHD in the mix. Absolutely can’t be trusted to cross roads alone, plus the dangers of strangers around. Absolutely no way. This is a massive safeguarding issue.

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 17:08

[quote DiscordandRhyme]@imalmostthere I'm sorry it comes across as just annoyance - I am annoyed but also worried. I'm annoyed with her Mum for letting it happen moreso than her as she's a young child.

I just have a very young baby so having someone who needs a lot of supervision is nearly impossible.

She is pushy in that she won't accept no as an answer - I'm not saying this makes her bad only that it's hard to deal with. [/quote]
Your posts are very self centred though. Are you not more worried about this child than annoyed she won't accept no?

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 17:09

@Triffid1

Sorry, I don't think it's that big a deal from a safeguarding perspective.
?!
Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 17:09

@Triffid1

Going against the grain here, but I don't think an 8 year old calling round is not that big a deal from a safeguarding point of view. Many 8 year olds are perfectly capable of that and certainly in other countries it would be expected. Of course, it IS a bit worrying that her parents don't always know where she is - eg at 8 DS might have gone round the corner to a friend, but I was confident that he was there and would come straight home if his friend wasn't there.

As for not letting her in. That's easy. Just say no. Also, on food and drinks, just tell her no. I have a very firm rule - any children in my house, abide by my rules. So you treat her behaviour re snacks the same as you would your own DC and, if necessary, you send her home if she doesn't behave.

Neighbourhood kids seem o come to ours often. But it's very simple - I decide if they can come in and they al know that if they behave badly, they leave.

Great.

I'm glad you would send home a clearly hungry and thirsty child.

Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 22/04/2021 17:26

@Butwasitherdriveway I don't think so self centred would be just saying no every time. If there's advance notice I've been fine with it. I am concerned which is why I'm taking it to school but other then tailing her myself which just isn't possible with a breastfeeding baby who would happily feed 24/7 I have limited other options.

I'd say I'm definitely pretty selfless I've helped several people out with their kids and am not at all unkind to this girl (will ask her how school was or a particular thing she's done).

OP posts:
Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 22/04/2021 17:28

Also she's welcome to help herself to water in our house - I'll never deprive anyone of that. Likewise bathroom - I've let her in to use it even when DD was at her grandparents when she called to see held, I'm no monster.

Ironically, I'm told often I'm too soft or don't put my needs first by those that know me.

OP posts:
MSQuinn · 22/04/2021 17:38

My dd has Adhd. She’s 11. I always collect her, even now though she meets me outside of school. There is no way at that age I would just let her be going wherever. I’d want a proper arrangement with the other parent and I wouldn’t have her inviting herself over. We had the inviting themselves over from a girl in my dd’s class and I just kept saying, not today we’ll arrange another time.

At the age the girl is, I would report. She shouldn’t be wandering about by herself.

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 17:55

[quote DiscordandRhyme]@Butwasitherdriveway I don't think so self centred would be just saying no every time. If there's advance notice I've been fine with it. I am concerned which is why I'm taking it to school but other then tailing her myself which just isn't possible with a breastfeeding baby who would happily feed 24/7 I have limited other options.

I'd say I'm definitely pretty selfless I've helped several people out with their kids and am not at all unkind to this girl (will ask her how school was or a particular thing she's done).[/quote]
I'm not saying you need to look after her or have her in your house.

I'm saying you need to deal with and think about the welfare concerns and act on those rather than annoyance and tips to get her out your house.

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/04/2021 17:57

If she has ASD she may not understand unless you say no. If she asks why, say you don’t want her over and shut the door.

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 18:08

@GrumpyHoonMain

If she has ASD she may not understand unless you say no. If she asks why, say you don’t want her over and shut the door.
She doesn't have ASD though. Thank god, given your proposed treatment of her!
SpaceOp · 22/04/2021 20:35

Water or whatever fine but a child spontaneously dropping by surely doesn't need to be fed if its not convenient. She's not going to starve if she doesn't get that biscuit or rice cake?! If a child is at my house and I am offering snacks, of course they all get. But random child raiding my fridge/cupboards? I don't think so.

MiddleParking · 22/04/2021 21:06

Your posts are very self centred though. Are you not more worried about this child than annoyed she won't accept no?

I wouldn’t be, if I had three of my own kids including a six week old baby. Self centred indeed Hmm

Butwasitherdriveway · 22/04/2021 21:41

@MiddleParking

Your posts are very self centred though. Are you not more worried about this child than annoyed she won't accept no?

I wouldn’t be, if I had three of my own kids including a six week old baby. Self centred indeed Hmm

I'm not saying she needs to let this child in all the time..

What I am saying is she should be more worried about what is happening to this child!

Nith · 23/04/2021 07:11

I'm glad you would send home a clearly hungry and thirsty child

Why wouldn't you? It's not OP's business to feed the child, who obviously lives within walking distance.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/04/2021 07:18

The OP has her own family to worry about. All she owes this other child is to make an appropriate report for safeguarding. Nothing selfish about that at all.

SpringtimeSummertime · 23/04/2021 07:19

You say you know her mother and get on with her so talk to her!
Tell her that her DD is knocking on regularly and ask if she is aware. Tell her that it’s not always convenient for her to come in and you’re worried she isn’t going straight home.
Tell the mother that she needs to phone you if her DD wants to meet your DC and to tell her DD not to just ‘knock on’.

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