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Original poster

Will school judge me

58 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 21/04/2021 15:33

My son is going to start school in September. He’s my oBly child. My ex used to do herion and crack injection in front of my son and a lot of other horrible stuff . He threatened to take my son away I was terrified he said I would not win as I have epilepsy. When my son was 2 I had enough I realised even if my son went into care which would kill me my son would be better than he was then in that situation.

So I called the police and he was removed from my home, and social services involved. They were amazing and helped me make my home safe with care alarms . I was told ex was to have supervised visits which I hold. I’ve been lucky with covid we have seen ex in ages my son is happier. I was quickly discharged for social services and I did everything in quick time it was only clean house and care alarm I had to do . No courses or anything like that. I’ve also spoke to the social worker as ex has the. Gone on to mug a lady and kick or punch her partner , so I told social what had happened.

I’m worried the school are going to judge me and possibly my son because of this . I feel so embarrassed I have to tell them ex is not to be allowed to pick up my son. And will have to show prof so they will no what’s happened. I’m so embarrassed I let this happen I feel so guilty for my son going through this as it is. I can’t sleep every night I think of all the awful things this man did to my son and I cry. I don’t want my son to be affected . What do you think they will think of me ? Do you think my son will be on some kind of watch list ?

OP posts:

ButterflyBitch · 21/04/2021 15:35

Not at all. There are always children who can’t be picked up by certain adults for various reasons. No one will judge you at all. No one will even know except the staff who need to know to keep your son safe.

Sirzy · 21/04/2021 15:36

Don’t be embarrassed - be proud of how you have turned things around for you and your Son!

School won’t be judged, they will see a caring mum who has gone out of her way to keep her son safe even when struggling herself.

Have you had any sort of counselling to help you? You have been through so much.

Mumdiva99 · 21/04/2021 15:37

No school will not judge you in any way. You can either speak with the class teacher or call school and ask to speak to the designated safe guarding lead - their name will be on the website. (If you speak to them you avoid having what you might feel is a potentially embarrassing conversation with the class teacher who you have to face every day). But honestly no one will judge you for keeping your child safe. And schools have dealt with many different scenarios.

WisestIsShe · 21/04/2021 15:38

They absolutely will not judge you for getting it of a bad situation and keeping your child safe.
My situation was completely different but I had to supply school with a copy of the court order which also said ex was not allowed to collect DC. No questions or judgement in my case.
Try not to worry.

TheChosenTwo · 21/04/2021 15:40

If social services have been involved previously this will be made known to the relevant people within school (not common knowledge, it will be on a need to know basis and not every fine detail), please don’t worry. You’ve made the best decisions you can to keep your child safe.
No embarrassment needed, honestly.

kittenkipping · 21/04/2021 15:40

I think if any judgement happens it'll be in your favour. They will judge you as a strong and loving mother who's overcome a lot. But honestly- I don't think they'll bat an eyelid. It's more common than we think and not an unusual scenario for the school I'd imagine.

Fluffyunicorn1 · 21/04/2021 15:41

My ex was violent and abusive. I have a prohibited steps order against him, a restraining order and a non mol order which prevents him picking up my girls from school. In fact it prevents him going within 100 meters of the school.

School have all the paperwork and so does my childminder. I had to provide a photo of him to both so they knew what he looked like.

Both have been so supported. I have never felt judged by either.

Please don’t worry

GravityFalls · 21/04/2021 15:42

There’s no such thing as a “watch list” - a school will definitely know which of its students are vulnerable for one reason and another, and may keep a slightly closer eye on them, but that’s no reflection on you, and that would naturally change over time eg a student whose parents were divorcing acrimoniously in Y1 would need a bit of extra time and space but by Y6 doesn’t have those needs at all.

A lot of the time as a classroom teacher you don’t even know a child’s background if it’s not affecting them at that time. There are lots of reasons why a person wouldn’t be allowed to pick up from school and it doesn’t need to be a big deal. I’d imagine it happens more often than you think.

Also - schools have seen everything. All they care about is the welfare of the child in their school, they have no time or need to judge the parents.

RoseMalone · 21/04/2021 15:42

They will think you are a good mum as you've gone to great efforts to protect your son from harm. Be proud of what you've done.

gerbo · 21/04/2021 15:42

I work in a school in early years. I echo everything Sirzy says, not one jot of judgement. They'll see a caring parent in you.

They will ask you for a list of people allowed to take your child and set up a password system.

ChloeCrocodile · 21/04/2021 15:43

Speak to the safeguarding lead. They won't judge you and won't share the reasons for the pick up arrangements with anyone who doesn't need to know. So your DS' teacher and TA might know your ex isn't allowed to pick him up but they won't know why.

RoseMalone · 21/04/2021 15:45

I agree they will have seen all sorts, including kids with parents who are in prison or violent etc. Even in schools in nice areas

4PawsGood · 21/04/2021 15:45

They might be able to look out for you both a bit? In a nice way

Can you try really hard to think about what you would think, if it was someone else. You’d just want to make sure they had the support they need.

Be really open when you talk to them and don’t be ashamed. You’re doing brilliantly.

viques · 21/04/2021 15:48

No the school won’t judge you. The chances are that at least some of the staff will have had direct experience of DV, addiction, alcoholism etc in their own families at some point in their lives and will understand.

You will need to explain that he has no legal rights to collect your child, or to be informed of his progress, or to be consulted for permission for visits or trips out. Safeguarding staff, teaching and support staff and front facing office staff will all need to be aware, but will not need to know gory details or your history.

saraclara · 21/04/2021 15:49

We had several children who couldn't be picked up by the other parent. The details of why weren't shared, we just knew they couldn't be.

If parents told me, as the class teacher, of issues they were having, I never judged, and nor did I ever hear any other member of staff do so. We're there to support the child and the parent that we have contact with. Please don't worry.

Candycane57 · 21/04/2021 15:51

Anyone working in a school is there to care for and protect children. Their only aim is to make sure your son is happy, learning and safe. His and your experiences would never be judged. He will not be treated differently because of his childhood. In my experience I've found children with difficult childhoods (whether it's due to health, circumstances or situation) are often the ones who the teachers keep an extra eye out for to make sure they're doing ok.

Your son is so very lucky to have you, he is safe and loved and I'm sure he's going to love school. They're there to help you both, they don't ever want to cause harm or upset so if you need some guidance from them to make sure he's ok, they can help you.

Best of luck to you both x

Pinkflipflop85 · 21/04/2021 15:51

There would be absolutely no judgement in our school at all. You did the right thing to safeguard you and your child.

Ratched · 21/04/2021 15:54

Turn it around.
If you were the teacher and you heard this story, what would your reaction be?

You should be very proud of yourself and allow others to support your efforts😁

CarolinaWeeper · 21/04/2021 16:04

Honestly there will be no judgement at all. From my experience of working in various primary schools this sort of thing is sadly more common than you think. School will have seen it all before and will have systems put in place to help you and your son. Please, please don't be embarrassed....you have nothing to be ashamed of.

TulipSandwiches · 21/04/2021 16:05

You shouldn't be embarrassed about any of it. And no, they won't judge you.

Couchbettato · 21/04/2021 16:10

I wouldn't judge you. You were in a coercive and abusive relationship. Judging would be horrifically victim blaming.

Schools should recognise this. You made the choice to seek help. Now you need their assistance in the continuation of safeguarding your son.

Hdiebfhs · 21/04/2021 16:11

You have saved your child from on going abuse. There is nothing to judge except that you are strong and didn't allow the abuse to continue.

Well done you and don't be embarrassed

Knitwit99 · 21/04/2021 16:12

Look at all you've done and overcome to keep your son safe. You're amazing.
I hope he loves school and you find a lovely, supportive community there.

frogsbreath · 21/04/2021 16:16

Don't be embarrassed, you have and continue to protect your child. School will be happy to support you both through this.

thatllberight · 21/04/2021 16:19

As a teacher if I heard your story I would think you were a very strong mother and had been very brave doing that for your son. As others have said I would let the school know that his dad is not allowed to collect him. You may also like to consider not allowing his photo to be published/put on Twitter by the school if you'd like info re his school kept private from his dad.

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