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Original poster

Will school judge me

58 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 21/04/2021 15:33

My son is going to start school in September. He’s my oBly child. My ex used to do herion and crack injection in front of my son and a lot of other horrible stuff . He threatened to take my son away I was terrified he said I would not win as I have epilepsy. When my son was 2 I had enough I realised even if my son went into care which would kill me my son would be better than he was then in that situation.

So I called the police and he was removed from my home, and social services involved. They were amazing and helped me make my home safe with care alarms . I was told ex was to have supervised visits which I hold. I’ve been lucky with covid we have seen ex in ages my son is happier. I was quickly discharged for social services and I did everything in quick time it was only clean house and care alarm I had to do . No courses or anything like that. I’ve also spoke to the social worker as ex has the. Gone on to mug a lady and kick or punch her partner , so I told social what had happened.

I’m worried the school are going to judge me and possibly my son because of this . I feel so embarrassed I have to tell them ex is not to be allowed to pick up my son. And will have to show prof so they will no what’s happened. I’m so embarrassed I let this happen I feel so guilty for my son going through this as it is. I can’t sleep every night I think of all the awful things this man did to my son and I cry. I don’t want my son to be affected . What do you think they will think of me ? Do you think my son will be on some kind of watch list ?

OP posts:

bedtimeshoes · 21/04/2021 16:20

I work in a primary school... the headteacher and son's teachers will want to scoop you up and wrap their arms around you both. They will want to support you and help you and give your son the best experience when starting school. No one at my school would judge you or think badly. Your son would be flagged to staff so the right level of support, care and sensitivity can be given to you both. Can you write to the head with all the details and then ask for a tour of the school or an outside meeting to break the ice? I know that the head at my school would want to meet you and put your mind at ease.

AppleDolphin · 21/04/2021 16:20

Dear goodness! Don't be embarrassed or ashamed! Be proud! You're an amazing mum who has made a safe environment for her son, and in double quick time.

Surely you've read threads on here where women stay for years in terrible environments.

You didn't, you sorted it out! You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are AMAZING!

dannydyerismydad · 21/04/2021 16:21

Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

The only people likely to be aware of the full details are the safeguarding leads in the school. Anyone else with care of your child will only know what is necessary - I.e. to only ever release your child to your care.

Lots and lots of families have had social services involvement. No one will judge your child.

I admire you for having the strength and guts to move on. I expect most people do.

GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 16:23

It will help them put in extra provision such as nurture groups for him to continue your good work at home. Be a team with school working in his best interests and school will hold you in high regard. I'm sorry you went through this.

Queenie6655 · 21/04/2021 16:25

I'm in a similiar position
I'm a bit mortified

Even though I know we have no reason at all to be mortified
Some teachers at the school like to have a god gossip so I have had to be firm and reiterate that the information I have shared is only for those who need to know

Sounds like you have done amazing !!
It is a very scary time no doubt about it

I'm holding my head high and those who want to talk can jog on and find something else to do

Queenie6655 · 21/04/2021 16:26

And yes you have made wonderful progress

Thanks to you your Child is safe and well cared for 🙏🙏👏

Wellyouknowbest · 21/04/2021 16:28

I feel really sad for you that you have to worry like this. You have done your very best and I'm sure you will only get support and care at the school, no judgement, I'm sure they'll realise you've been through a lot to keep your child safe and that deserves not judgement but a big bloody medal. Don't you worry

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 21/04/2021 16:34

Thank you all so much for these responses, you have really put my mind at ease. ( I did go to the other room to have a little cry it’s so kind of you all) thank you honestly.

I was so scared incase my son got judge or treated different but you have really put my mind at ease. I feel like a failure for letting it go on so long and I hate that my son saw these things. I no he is going to love school so I don’t want to be nervous as he will pick up on it.

That’s a really good point about pictures and Socail media. I’m trying not to let ex no what school he goes to. I have pics of ex trying to pose with head bands on cause he was in part of a London gang.🤦‍♀️

That’s also my worry about gossip queenie6655 . I definitely need to make sure I’m clear that I don’t want this shared I live in such a small village . It’s 15 people that will attend his class so very small and everyone talks to everyone. Thank you all so much .

OP posts:

2bazookas · 21/04/2021 16:57

The school will be used to it and no blame attaches to you or the child.

I'd find a good photo of Ex and give it to the school to keep in your son's records " This is Jim Bloggs who must not take Sam".

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 21/04/2021 17:00

I will definitely do the photo thank you. I really do appreciate all the reply’s. I don’t want my son to be hurt by this rubbish it’s awful that he did for 2 years.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 21/04/2021 17:00

I work in a school and there is no "watch list". We might get info like " Dad can't pick up x" or "If mum shows up keep child away and have the office ring dad" or "Dad can only pick up with previous permission from mum" but that's it. A lot of the time we don't even get told details of what happened, why etc. It happens, our priority is to safeguard the child.

Wolfiefan · 21/04/2021 17:03

Ex teacher.
You’ve been incredibly strong and done the best for your child. No teacher could think badly of you for this.
I hope you’re really proud of how strong you’ve been and how you’ve put your child first.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/04/2021 17:03

Hi OP, I was the child in your DS's position. Fortunately my dad was in prison often so he wasn't really around to cause many issues. The teachers were all great and I had a lovely group of friends, there was one girl who said mean things to me but her mum was a right snob so it was probably her influence. Your DS will be fine

BiggerBoat1 · 21/04/2021 17:05

Why would they judge you? You've only ever loved and cared for your son. They will need to understand some of the background you've shared here, but they will be supportive. It is not unusual for schools to have instructions not to hand children over to certain adults, so that won't be an issue.
Feel proud of all that you have done for your child and look forward to him starting school.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/04/2021 17:07

The other thing is that when you fill in the emergency contact details, do not put him down at all. That saves any accidental calls or being included in automated emails/text messages. They will ask for a second contact, but it doesn't have to be him (after all, you haven't got his address, email or phone number, have you? No, of course you don't. Not at all. You have nothing. NOTHING.)

You won't be judged - not in the slightest - because, sadly, every school has a bunch of kids who wouldn't be safe with a parent, or both in the case of Looked After Children.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 21/04/2021 17:14

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

You won't be judged - not in the slightest - because, sadly, every school has a bunch of kids who wouldn't be safe with a parent, or both in the case of Looked After Children.

This with bells on! Put other people you can trust as emergency contacts and any school paperwork asks for 'fathers name' just put a line through it or na.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 17:16

No they won’t and please don’t feel embarrassed, you did the right thing for your son.

Babycakes39 · 21/04/2021 17:18

I never judge any parent who has social services involved. Everyone needs help now and again. You did the right thing and the school will be aware of the situation as social services have been involved. These things are kept very private though as they should be xx

SpeedRunParent · 21/04/2021 17:18

You have been given tons of great answers OP. Just wanted to add, well done for making such a huge change in your situation, it must have been so hard for you. You should be really proud of yourself.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 21/04/2021 17:18

I work in a primary school. I have a little boy in my current class who comes from a similar background as your ds.
What do I think of his mum? I think she's bloody amazing and I'd bend over backwards to help both her and her ds.

Believe me, we're far more judgmental about parents who make our lives difficult because they are so entitled ( I'm looking at you, anyone who complains about their dc not having a good enough part in the nativity!)

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 17:18

Gosh no, password, safe guarding etc all exist because of situations like this

minniemomo · 21/04/2021 17:23

You won't be the only parent in this situation I suspect, they are sure to have had them in the past too.

My advice is to be upfront with the school and ask for support if you need it. Ensure you get your child's back up plans sorted too - they need 3 numbers usually

ThatDreamSheep · 21/04/2021 17:24

Just to add because I saw someone mentioned social media, make sure you cover up the school logo on his jumper if you take any pictures of him to pop online, then your ex won't be able to see which school he's at as well.
But I think you are doing an incredible job and the fact you worry shows how much you care.

Crabbypaddy · 21/04/2021 17:33

Please don’t worry, it will be need to basis only and even at that social work don’t share much info! I work as a nurse with vulnerable patients and they don’t even tell us much at all!

GameSetMatch · 21/04/2021 17:36

They will think you are wonderful for getting out of a horrible situation and wish other parents would take a leaf out of your book and put their children first, just like you did.

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