How to respond to "What's wrong with her?"

[SewhereIam]

My 3 year old has been wearing a patch since February as she has a lazy eye. The eyelid covers her pupil and the majority of her iris, and so to look out of that eye she has to tilt her head back through 90 degrees to be able to do so when she is patched, as she can't use the dominant eye.

Now we are out and about again, each outing involves both children and adults asking quite abruptly "what is wrong with her?" (usually involving pointing at dd). At first she answered herself, despite not being addressed by the person asking, but now she just hides behind me and asks to take her patch off. Even with the patch off, as there is such a disparity between her eyelids, people still ask.

What is the best way to reply to questions like this? If the question is asked with kindness, then it isn't a problem, it is when it is entitled and rude it is so upsetting for dd and for me. I want to empower her, I don't want her to feel that there is something "wrong" with her. There is nothing wrong with her; she is a gentle, clever, loving little girl.

Her eyesight is so poor in the non-patched eye that we really need to see if patching helps, as she needs the best chance she can have to improve the sight, as after the age of 7 there is nothing we can do. She will have the eyelid lifted when she is older, no matter what happens to the sight.

Nothing! Why?

Can the eyelid be sorted out any sooner?
My dd had patching treatment but didn't have the eyelid issue

"I BEG your pardon????"

Your poor DD, people can be dicks!

I had to wear a patch as a child too, my Mum got herself one and wore it with me. Funnily enough no one asked her then but if they did she'd say we were pirates

Can you explain to your daughter that people don't mean to be mean or make her feel bad, they just want to make sure she's ok?

Could you reach her a set phrase/sentence that she can confidently say and/or you say the same sentence e.g The patch is helping my/her eye to get stronger. Sorry people have been so rude!

@dementedpixie, she also has Marcus Gunn syndrome (her jaw muscle is attached to the eyelid that will be operated on). The hospital has said that she needs to be old enough for them to do the operation under local anesthetic, and to move her jaw when asked during surgery. It would be so good if they could do it earlier, but they have been quite clear that they have to wait.

Also what @Seainasive said.

My son is autistic. I’m afraid I used to just say “oh he’s broken”

I’d say “there’s nothing wrong with her, her eyes just work a bit differently to yours”.

Admittedly it might be said through gritted teeth and a faux smile, for adults asking with those words and within earshot of your child. I understand they may be curious, or even genuinely concerned, but there are nice/polite ways to convey curiosity/concern.

I have a lazy eye. Had an op when younger for squint & wore patches etc. Apparently I only use one eye to see but it’s never caused me any problems. I was told if my good eye could no longer be used my brain would enable me to use the lazy eye eventually. Not sure if this is true?

DCs eye didn’t shut down like mine & they’ve experienced no end of vision problems as they received a slightly different images from each eye and would have been far better off to just use one eye.

Hope it works out for your dad

*dd

Oh how frustrating and hard for your DD!

I don;t know what the best response is, maybe something simple and factual like 'just her eyelid muscle'. I know you shouldn't have to respond but then if you get stressed/annoyed it is harder on your daughter.

Hope it all goes well, it seems an age to wait for surgery

Poor kid. People are thoughtless tits. Maybe she could reply that she us a trainee pirate. Not sure I like the 'broken' reply as whilst it might shut the tits up, I wouldnt want my child to hear that said about them.

I had people ask about my DD's hearing aids. For your daughter, I like the pirate suggestion for rude people and say she's got Marcus Gunn Syndrome to the others. Then they will either scuttle off or show interest.

If asked what was wrong, I used to do the "nothing...why?" and if they pointed to the hearing aids, I would say they are hearing aids because she is deaf. If I was feeling less patient, I would say they are the latest blue tooth ear pieces (or whatever imaginary cutting edge technology gadget I could think of). It turns out people believe anything...

I think if you reply very positively, with a one liner, your daughter will do the same. When she was about four, if she saw someone point at her aids, my DD would say "these are my hearing aids. I'm deaf, you know" and get on with her day.

I'd say, if she was in a wheelchair would you ask?

OP how awful of them... I really feel for you and your lovely little girl. Those that cause embarrassment or hurt should be so ashamed of themselves. To them I'd just shrug and say she's perfect.

For adults;
Mumsnet classic response, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Or, 'Nothing, why do you ask?'

Or, 'I beg your pardon?'

Or, blatantly ignoring them, say loudly to DD- 'Dont mind them, sweetie, they've left their manners at home today but there's nothing wrong with YOU!' and then give them the glare.

Or, ODFOD

For kids, either,

She's giving her eye a workout.

Or, she's a pirate today.

FWIW, my DSis had a patch growing up.

If a child is asking I would explain that she has a poorly eye and needs to wear the patch to make it better. Children are mostly just curious and the more you normalise it the better. Overreacting reinforces to the child that there is something wrong.
If an adult was rude enough to ask in that way then I’d be looking for a good one liner to snap back.

@EvilOnion, yes! YES! I will definitely tell her that they didn't mean to be rude, and I never even thought to wear a patch with her. We can be pirates together!! Thank you xxxx

@Amammai, that is what she started off saying to them, and it's what I now say for her. She is a little corker!

“What’s wrong with her?”

Reply- “What’s wrong with you?”

Our 6yo wears a patch to help correct a squint. She felt very self conscious at first but she has been lucky in that other children at her school have worn patches. She or we, tell people that her patch is helping to make her eye stronger. I try to smile and not let my agitation show when people are rude, easier said than done though.

Gosh, people are so rude, aren't they? And ignorant too.... surely people know what a patch is for on a child?

My mum responds "Why? Are you my doctor?" when I ask for updates on her various ailments... that might work!

Yes be super positive. Tell them she’s a pirate and she’s on a voyage to discover some treasure. Then change the topic of conversation, ask them a question

'She has a poorly eye'
Or
'She's practicing to be a pirate'
'She went too fast on the swings and it fell out'
'She gave it to a friend'
It came out when she sneezed and we couldn't find it.
She's waiting for a new one

If you are relaxed and light hearted with your answers, she will be too.

Honestly, people can be insensitive. However, the more at ease you are, the more comfortable she will be.

Thank you all so much for being so lovely, I wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive. I haven't yet let the faux smile drop, but didn't know if that was making it better or worse for dd, as I wasn't pulling them up for being rude. Thank you all, thank you!