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Original poster

How to respond to "What's wrong with her?"

105 replies

SewhereIam · 20/04/2021 22:00

My 3 year old has been wearing a patch since February as she has a lazy eye. The eyelid covers her pupil and the majority of her iris, and so to look out of that eye she has to tilt her head back through 90 degrees to be able to do so when she is patched, as she can't use the dominant eye.

Now we are out and about again, each outing involves both children and adults asking quite abruptly "what is wrong with her?" (usually involving pointing at dd). At first she answered herself, despite not being addressed by the person asking, but now she just hides behind me and asks to take her patch off. Even with the patch off, as there is such a disparity between her eyelids, people still ask.

What is the best way to reply to questions like this? If the question is asked with kindness, then it isn't a problem, it is when it is entitled and rude it is so upsetting for dd and for me. I want to empower her, I don't want her to feel that there is something "wrong" with her. There is nothing wrong with her; she is a gentle, clever, loving little girl.

Her eyesight is so poor in the non-patched eye that we really need to see if patching helps, as she needs the best chance she can have to improve the sight, as after the age of 7 there is nothing we can do. She will have the eyelid lifted when she is older, no matter what happens to the sight.

OP posts:

Heysiriyouknob · 21/04/2021 06:05

"What's wrong with her?"

"What's wrong with you dickhead"

(I've become very rude and tired of other people).

Lexilooo · 21/04/2021 08:42

Try "nothing, what's wrong with you?"

It is not normal to be so rude and unaware and people should be challenged and made to feel shit so they don't do it again.

Unless we're talking about pre-school age kids in which case it is a bit more understandable so a gentler response perhaps.

Ironmanrocks · 21/04/2021 21:05

I haven't read the full thread but my boy had a patch too. Nobody asked weirdly but we told him he was a pirate and that it was so cool - he wasn't bothered at school either! Clearly everyone knows the pirates live round here!!😂

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tigerpooisgreat · 21/04/2021 21:11

How you don't tell adults that ask the question, to just fuck off I don't know!

I would always reply with a "what's wrong with you?" In the same twatty tone.

Honestly who actually asks that question asides from young inquisitive children.

Saz12 · 21/04/2021 22:35

I can remember a childhood friend (or possibly the sibling of one?) having an eye-patch. I only really remember it because my Mum explained to me that asking “why’re you wearing that?” repeatedly was unkind, and telling me what it was. I think I was really very young, it’s a very hazy memory. It wasn’t malicious but of course parents need to step in when their children ask stuff like that!

If you can, then saying “that’s not a nice way to ask, but DD wears an eye-patch to make her other eye better” (to a child). To an adult? I probably wouldn’t get into a row in front of DD as that’ll make it worse for her. A ridiculously vague “it’s a medical issue” coupled with a cold look before moving away could work.

Cipot · 21/04/2021 22:47

It's awful as you are so protective of your DC. Dd didn't mind people asking but I did. She had some crap comments over the years but she's so strong now. I think if a small DC is just being inquisitive I'd tell them in a matter of fact way. If it were an adult in think I'd counter with, why do you ask?

NiceGerbil · 21/04/2021 23:35

I found telling them ludicrous nonsense while fixing them with a don't fuck with me gaze very satisfying.

That's my experience.

Luckily no one said anything when DD was patched. I mean it's pretty common and so trivial and fucking obvious. What's wrong with your kid? Well it's not her fucking toes is it.

Stupid bloody questions.

AND if you start to go into it (which I did when in the mood as a different passive aggressive fuck you) they don't really want to know. So I would keep at it. All the gory details I mean if you ask 'what happened' to someone with massive obvious surgical scars what happened then you're going to be interested in the details of the surgery surely? The tools, the tendon severing, the nerve damage, the internal stapling.... I mean obviously. Don't ask if you don't want to know.

Yeah I was a bit of a sod about it but as it was from age 13 ish and I shortly became a pretty arsey teenager it worked for me.

NiceGerbil · 21/04/2021 23:35

Little kids is different. Or people who seem genuinely kind/ worried.

I never got any of them though!

NiceGerbil · 21/04/2021 23:37

I have also had all sorts of suggestions (useless ones) about how I can make myself better (!)

And one teenage boy on a night out telling me that if I turned to Jesus I would be cured. For 2 hours on a nightbus. FFS.

Roszie · 22/04/2021 00:12

We used to get this. I used to say, why do you need to know? Are you medically trained?

DS used to say mind your own beeswax. He was a right charmer at 4

Stealhsquirrelnutkin · 22/04/2021 00:27

"What's wrong with her?"

She suffers from a tragic lack of good manners and self control that causes her to randomly blurt out rude questions to complete strangers on the street!

Ooops, no, sorry - that would be YOU!

CervixHaver · 22/04/2021 01:54

@DottyWott

My son is autistic. I’m afraid I used to just say “oh he’s broken”

SaturdayRocks · 22/04/2021 02:55

I wouldn’t use any of the following, really negative, unhelpful words:

lazy
poorly
a problem with ...

I wound simply say ‘she has a medical condition in one eye’. I’d be tempted to add ‘but her ears work just fine’ as a PP suggested, but I don’t think I actually would say that in real life.

Some of these suggestions are all ‘good fun’ for suggesting on someone else’s thread, but they’re surely not genuine suggestions. Way too silly / rude / antagonist / downright cringey.

roguetomato · 22/04/2021 05:41

Aren't they just thinking she had some eye injury? Asking the same way if a child has a bandage or something?
Are you sure you aren't over thinking, and people who asks didn't mean it in a rude way?

SaturdayRocks · 22/04/2021 05:55

I think that would be more ‘what happened to her?’ rather than ‘what’s wrong with her?’

I’m guessing the OP is probably able gauge pretty well what sort of question people are asking.

custardbear · 22/04/2021 06:02

She's a pirate may work 😋
Or tell them it's muscle therapy

I can't believe people are so rude, or stupid to not realise about eye patches and children

I hope it all corrects itself one way or another

roguetomato · 22/04/2021 06:28

SaturdayRocks, but if she's getting not one person but many asking the same question, don't you think she's over thinking and translating it into something worse?
I don't think many people ask what's wrong with her instead of asking what happened to her, after seeing the child wearing eye patch.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/04/2021 06:36

Get her a black play patch and a pirate hat. And a pirate sword to jab the rude adults with.
I’d say “nothing, but what the hells wrong with you?”

BrokenDishwasher · 22/04/2021 07:31

To children- there’s nothing wrong with her, she has a poorly eye
To adults- there’s nothing wrong with her, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

SaturdayRocks · 22/04/2021 07:33

@roguetomato

SaturdayRocks, but if she's getting not one person but many asking the same question, don't you think she's over thinking and translating it into something worse? I don't think many people ask what's wrong with her instead of asking what happened to her, after seeing the child wearing eye patch.

Let’s see what OP says, shall we?

LynnInAVan · 22/04/2021 07:36

@EvilOnion your mum sounds an absolute legend!

OP, I think I would be tempted to be quite rude in return. Sending my love to your girl

Roszie · 22/04/2021 07:37

I used to definitely get what's wrong with him not what's happened.

Crunchymum · 22/04/2021 07:42

"What is wrong with her?" should be answered with "What is wrong with you, you rude cunt?"

I have a disabled DC3 and thankfully have never (yet) had that question but we did get lots of people asking when she was NG tube fed. If they asked politely I'd give them a quick explanation and if they were rude or disparaging I'd tell them "it's a feeding tube that keeps her alive"

As I say most people we've encountered thus far have been kind and thoughtful, but I know and expect to encounter many fuckwits along the way too.

Phineyj · 22/04/2021 07:48

We had all sorts of colours and patterns on the patches. DH (who had a similar eye issue as a child) was quite envious as in his day only NHS 'flesh tone' was available. He also wore the patches to encourage DD sometimes.

I like the daft responses. We didn't have rude remarks about the patches that I recall but people can be rude and ignorant about all sorts of differences.

Unfortunately you do end up educating people so thinking of rejoinders in advance is good.

Lemonlemon88 · 22/04/2021 07:50

This is awful. I refused to wear my patch too and now I am legally blind in one eye, I am both lucky and unlucky in that my eye tracks, if it was lazy they would have found the problem when I was a baby and probably have been able to fix it. Can you just patch it when at home? Mine used to be patched in the evenings mainly but I think it was because I would become distraught at not being able to see.

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