How to respond to "What's wrong with her?"

[SewhereIam]

My 3 year old has been wearing a patch since February as she has a lazy eye. The eyelid covers her pupil and the majority of her iris, and so to look out of that eye she has to tilt her head back through 90 degrees to be able to do so when she is patched, as she can't use the dominant eye.

Now we are out and about again, each outing involves both children and adults asking quite abruptly "what is wrong with her?" (usually involving pointing at dd). At first she answered herself, despite not being addressed by the person asking, but now she just hides behind me and asks to take her patch off. Even with the patch off, as there is such a disparity between her eyelids, people still ask.

What is the best way to reply to questions like this? If the question is asked with kindness, then it isn't a problem, it is when it is entitled and rude it is so upsetting for dd and for me. I want to empower her, I don't want her to feel that there is something "wrong" with her. There is nothing wrong with her; she is a gentle, clever, loving little girl.

Her eyesight is so poor in the non-patched eye that we really need to see if patching helps, as she needs the best chance she can have to improve the sight, as after the age of 7 there is nothing we can do. She will have the eyelid lifted when she is older, no matter what happens to the sight.

Defo patch up together! My DD had to have some of her head shaved for an operation on her ear and was worried about it so I shaved the same bit on mine!

Bless her little heart, I hope they can help her sight.

My brother had a patch when he was little and he just the other kids he was a pirate!

"What's wrong with you?"

So sorry people have been so rude to you OP. Your little girl sounds so lovely. I wore an eye patch for a squint as a little girl too. I like what a PP said about saying 'nothing she's perfect' I can't believe people are so rude to ask in front of her. Maybe if your concerned about her hearing what people are saying you could just say 'it's to help her eye get better' and leave it at that.

If it helps my mum said people used to ask her the same about me when I was little and I can't remember at all, the only thing I remember is getting to put stickers on my patches which I loved.

Ahh OP you sound lovely. I had this when I was a child and I will always remember my mum telling people that we were obviously pirates! Even when I knew she was just doing it to make me feel better it helped so much so well done and don't doubt the positive lessons your daughter will learn.
What's her sight like in her good eye?

Children are always curious but also very accepting of a simple explanation so for children I would just say "one of her eyes is poorly so the doctors are helping making it better".
To adults - not sure what I would say. Maybe just "she has a medical condition" (if an adult can't work that out for themselves though you got to wonder how good their brains are).

I'm guessing the droopy eyelid and its consequences may lead to more questions than the patching alone. Is she likely to need patching for a longer period of time than most kids with "lazy eye" mainly due to refractive problems would?

Personally, I'm thinking I might go with something like, I've got a funny eye and this helps me use it. But then I wonder whether "funny eye" would prove a problematic phrase for some people. So not sure! I agree that stating Marcus Gunn syndrome to those who ask politely will probably help; or even just acknowledging that she's got a droopy eyelid so the eye needs encouragement.

I hope you get good results and improvement in the vision in that eye for her. Even a bit is a lot better than nothing in the long run.

Anecdote: My mother has a congenital cataract in one eye (I guess nowadays it would have been operated on but that wasn't an option when she was a child). From what she says, she may have already been 6 or 7 when an ophthalmologist told her to regularly shut her good eye and try to work out what she could see with her bad eye. At that point she had little more than light perception, but she did keep trying. As an adult she has had problems intermittently with her good eye. From middle age as she got long sighted the peripheral vision in her bad eye has become more useable to the point that she can now read large newspaper headlines. That was a huge relief to her, to know that she would have functional vision if she lost the use of her good eye.

Hi, I have an eye condition with a drooping eyelid and have had a couple of surgeries for it. It will always be visible for me.

I had the stares and comments growing up and its just uncomfortable isn't it? I was painfully shy (not so much anymore) and depending on how brave I was feeling I would either poke my tongue out or if I noticed someone staring a lot I would ask them if they would like me to explain why I look a little different (generally people don't like to be called out for staring)

These days I'm in my early 30s and honestly it rarely happens anymore and hasn't for quite some time. If I ever notice someone I completely ignore it and don't give them the satisfaction of it getting to me because ultimately it's their problem not mine and I won't give someone who is being rude or ignorant the opportunity to make me feel rubbish about being me - my eyes are a part of my that I'm proud of.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble! My point was to reassure you that it won't always happen.

I hope the patching isn't too uncomfortable for her and that the surgery goes well when she has it.

"Oh gosh what? something is wrong? Where? How? Quick can you call 999"

Hello from another lazy eye owner! I had to wear a patch when I was little and my mother (also with a lazy eye - it’s hereditary in our family) used to tell me that this was because I was a pirate! She told me about Grace O’Malley how she was a pirate queen and I just loved it! We also chose fun stickers that I could wear on the patch, just to make it abit nicer.

And as for anyone asking what is wrong with her, the only answer is ‘nothing at all, thankyou very much. At least she has manners’

For your daughter - you rock your patch little one and don’t let anyone stop you being your wonderful sparkly self

"She has a lazy eye. Her ears work just fine though so she'll know exactly how rude you were to ask"

“Nothing, she just can’t stand the thought of looking at you with BOTH eyes.”

I'd keep it short and sweet and say she has a poorly eye.

There's no point in using some of the 'comebacks' suggested here, as that will just draw an uncomfortable conversation out for your (or in front of) your DD.

If a child were to then ask what the patch is for, I'd say the doctor gave it to her to make it better.

@Workyticket

"She has a lazy eye. Her ears work just fine though so she'll know exactly how rude you were to ask"

I love this answer.

I’m waiting for eye treatment atm. Had my last op over ten years ago. Definitely time for the next.

My son is autistic. I’m afraid I used to just say “oh he’s broken”
That’s appalling.

She's a pirate. Now back off or she'll be forced to slit ya throat!

I used to wear an eye patch, many many years ago, both pre- and post-surgery when I was very young. Hope your DDs surgery goes well. I know it's hard, but try to ignore the idiots.

That broken comment is so sad :(

I would just say "She has a problem with her eye and the doctor has said this will help make it stronger."

People are curious and don't always phrase it well but rarely mean any malice by it.

(My sibling had a facial disfigurement growing up so we dealt with similar, a lot.)

@MrBond

For adults; Mumsnet classic response, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Or, 'Nothing, why do you ask?'

Or, 'I beg your pardon?'

Or, blatantly ignoring them, say loudly to DD- 'Dont mind them, sweetie, they've left their manners at home today but there's nothing wrong with YOU!' and then give them the glare.

Or, ODFOD

For kids, either,

She's giving her eye a workout.

Or, she's a pirate today.

FWIW, my DSis had a patch growing up.

''She's a pirate' is exactly what I would say and then smile

@DottyWott, I hope your son didn't hear you say that!

I agree with being pirates

I had a lazy eye when I was younger so wore a patch for a while, I remember everyone (only other kids though) asking me what I'd done and being worried, I think they were disappointed when I still had both eyes lol.

Adults have no excuse though! Cheeky mares

@Workyticket has exactly the right response - call the ignorant people out on it every time.
I'm sorry to see that you and DD are having to deal with people like this.
(FWIW, I have a grown child with a disability. Some of the comments made to and about her were inexcusable.
Learning to challenge them is a tough business, but it serves the double purpose of correcting other people, as well as letting your child know you are right there supporting them. I once challenged an older person questioning our right to use a blue badge space by asking him if he thought it was right to pick on a small child - he had the grace to look suitably embarrassed.)

My DD had patches for years for squint and it saved her sight in her less good eye so do keep at it.

I don't think anyone ever asked. You've been really unlucky.

I have large scars and used to make shit up. Parachute jump crash landing, bitten by a shark etc.

She with others to say she's a pirate! Then just hit then with a smile and a look which says fuck off you rude sod.

Just to add, I totally disagree that comments are born out of curiosity.
We are supposed to be living in a more understanding society, so some people need to 'catch up' and realise their behaviour is wrong.