Any mums about who work full time with 3 or more DC?

[LucretiaBorgia]

I have 3 DC aged 6, 4 and newborn. I normally work full time (7am - 3 pm) in a field with ample scope for progression. I have one more year of training to do when I go back and would then like to apply for a promotion. I really enjoy my job and would like to progress significantly.

I was talking to another mum at nursery the other day and she assumed I would not be going back full time. I politely corrected her and she looked horrified, going on to say that kids suffer in childcare (I pick my kids up at 3.20 pm every day!) and implying that I wouldn't manage with 3 DC anyway.

It's made me feel quite down. There are no female role models at my job, about half the employees are female but most of them are in minor roles or don't have more than 2 DC (many don't have kids at all). Is there anyone who could give me a word of advice and encouragement? What is your experience of trying to combine career and family?

I have four small children each born two years apart. I worked full time (time off for maternity leave) in a professional city career until I was pregnant with #4 when I resigned and have been at home for the last few years. Working with three I s of course do-able and millions of people manage, however it is difficult depending on what area you are in and what you are willing to compromise on.

A 3 o’clock finish makes it eminently achievable particularly if you don’t need to do anything after that. I did the school and nursery drop off (which meant I started work later than most colleagues) because I couldn’t ever do the pick up and I just felt otherwise I would have so little connection with school.

I would leave work ‘early’ to relieve our nanny by 6pm ish and put the children to bed. Better if you can split this with your husband so it’s not all on you if possible (we never managed this ). I would then have to log in remotely to finish whatever work after they had gone to bed. This was the most soul destroying part tbh.

We have no family nearby and tbh we needed an excellent nanny with three - the holidays very difficult to manage otherwise and I wanted them to have time at home not in clubs after school or whatever. If I was working full time with four I would need a nanny and a housekeeper / cleaner. The logistics of getting them different places at different times means you need more than one set of hands tbh.

Tbh I don’t know that many people who work ft with three children in what I would consider ‘demanding’ jobs where there are lots of client demands on your time - I think because as someone said above once they get a bit older it’s you they really want and people realise this quicker than I did!

7-3 is the dream
I agree! Especially because 90% of the time, I really do leave at 3 pm. Finding this job was a huge stroke of luck and I really want to hold on to it. Working 7-3 with 2 DC worked well (except when they were ill, that was always a nightmare).

Thanks to everyone who has posted some tips! We do have a cleaner but she only comes once every fortnight, I will ask her to come once a week when I go back. What I find hard is keeping on top of the mess on a day-to-day basis. There is just so much stuff that needs putting away every single day, I don't know where it all comes from!

A nanny would be great but they are so expensive. Childcare here is heavily subsidised for working parents, 3 DC in childcare will cost us around 700€ a month. Whereas we wouldn't be able to afford a nanny.

@MattyGroves absolutely. We're planning on taking either 3 weeks holidays each or parental leave. We will have a week and half overlapping where we can do stuff together and then the other week one parent is working and the other at home and vice versa.

Yes I do.

4 DC, eldest 17. Very senior professional career. DH runs his own business.

There has been some juggling over the years but it’s straightforward now the youngest is 10.

@LucretiaBorgia

7-3 is the dream I agree! Especially because 90% of the time, I really do leave at 3 pm. Finding this job was a huge stroke of luck and I really want to hold on to it. Working 7-3 with 2 DC worked well (except when they were ill, that was always a nightmare).

Thanks to everyone who has posted some tips! We do have a cleaner but she only comes once every fortnight, I will ask her to come once a week when I go back. What I find hard is keeping on top of the mess on a day-to-day basis. There is just so much stuff that needs putting away every single day, I don't know where it all comes from!

A nanny would be great but they are so expensive. Childcare here is heavily subsidised for working parents, 3 DC in childcare will cost us around 700€ a month. Whereas we wouldn't be able to afford a nanny.

That is amazing 3 dc for €700 is unreal. That's way less than the cost of one child where is am. Hence why with three small kids a nanny is better financially for some. Great you have that and the early finish.

I was going to add my own story but it's a negative view so PM if you wish.

I am green with envy at your childcare bill OP. It would cost me close to €3k euro to have three DC in childcare which is why we'll be stopping at two.

I'm in Ireland which I don't find has the same culture of part-time working in professional jobs, which on the surface seems like an equality issue but in reality I find my friends who work full time are further ahead in their careers and have more engaged partners than my old friends in London who dropped hours.

I know three friends with three kids working full time: one is a senior civil servant, one in as ICU nurse, one works in finance, one in NGO management. One does a mix of creche and school/afterschool, one has a nanny, one has childminder and the other has used all of the above at various points. It all seems very manageable. All have engaged hands-on dads on the scene, which helps.

My personal experience of lockdown was that, while our DD thrived with 1:1 mummy and daddy time (we were working in shifts 7 days a week to get our hours covered while caring for her with no childcare) when she was back in her childcare setting, she benefited hugely from it. Current WFH means we can only have her in childcare 9-5, which I think is absolutely perfect for her. Assuming your partners drops them off in the morning then you pick them up at 3, that is the absolute dream. Don't feel at all guilty: If I won the lotto tomorrow I would keep my daughter in her creche because she loves it there, just maybe not full-time hours.

Anyone I know who works full-time when their kids were little all had family help or someone to lean on to as back up.
I don't think theres anything wrong in not aspiring to work full time with small kids/baby.

I had 6 under 8 years old when their father died in the early 90’s I had to work full time to keep us and pay off all the debts he left in joint names I knew nothing about(still paying now about 20,000 to go). All my kids have turned out amazingly.
Every mum I have known just tries to do what is best for their situation whether that’s working or staying home.
No one walks in my shoes so no one should judge me

I have 3 DC under 8 and work 1 ft senior management job with another part time consultancy position It was hard pre-covid trying to make pick ups etc but otherwise not a problem and lovely now I work totally from home as I can be flexible between work and parenting.

I have 5 DC, single parent, and work FT.
My youngest DS has a fantastic childminder, who does school drop offs and wrap around care.
It's totally doable, and your children will learn a valuable work ethic lesson from you.

I have 4 DC and work full time, 12 hour shifts so three a week and find that’s a good balance I enjoy my days off. Youngest about to go to school so will get easier soon. We have no family nearby and DH has his own business so life can be really hectic but we make the most of downtime, often taking the DC away (pre-Covid) in the caravan or away for days out which we could only do due to my income. I’m proud that my working allows us to do much more with our family time and I do have a cleaner/someone to do ironing/use gusto or hello fresh for meal planning as all these things allow me to have more time with them.

One day they will all have their own lives and I will still have 20 years to work and then hopefully have a good pension!

I’m a mother of three, have worked full time since by youngest was one, although DH was made redundant so he was the SAHP.

My older boys were in nursery full time from 8 months, younger not at all. Not one of them have suffered in their relationships.

The one person who said similar to your friend I just laughed at and said I couldn’t imagine the opposite! My Big Boss is a woman with two children and there’s lots of women in high up positions in my company - not as many as men, but quite a lot.

Now is the hardest time. It’s easy for me to say as my youngest is 9 but I promise you it’ll all work out.

I work FT with 2 dc and I don't know anyone in my workplace who does it with 3. I do have a very good friend with 3 dc who works FT and has just got a kick ass promotion and is amazing- so it is possible.

Channel your inner Dame Helena Morrisey - 9 Kids and high powered ceo!

I am a single parent, work fulltime and have 5 dc. Its doable, but a juggling act 24/7.
I never had maternity leave as I am self employed, and exDH didnt work much, so most I've ever been able to take off was 3 weeks. Last dc I was only able to take 5 days out of work, but obviously then I wasn't a single parent. That happened 13 months later when I got fed up of lazy arse now exDH. TBF him going hasn't made an iota of difference to what I was doing before as he did nothing anyway.

My job is demanding but working for myself I do have a degree of flexibility in often being able to grab the kids out of school and dropping them at various club/childminder before heading back to work. I keep strict finishing hours though and always finish at 5pm so can collect dc and do dinner, and any time I need to make up I do in the evenings from home. I work a combination of office and home.
My house is generally in a constant state of mess of some degree or another though. Something has to give somewhere, I reckon.

I have four and have always worked full time. You just need to be organised, and always rely on professional childcare - preferably in a nursery so that if one member of staff is ill, there is always backup. My children thrived in nursery, and have made lifelong friends (and so have we).

Ignore her! She's jealous you have a career!

I have 2, though they are primary age and nursery age. I went back to work when mine were 9-12 months both times. It wasn't full time to start (couldn't get enough days at nursery, so dh and I both had to drop some days to make it work at first). But then after that, yes, full time and I work quite long hours some days and have a long London commute (obviously pre-COVID).

In my experience, most of the mums around here do not go back to work FT and I honestly can't think of one that I know. Even my single mum friends only work 3-4 days.

But I've found it no problem at all. Dh and I both work very flexibly. I work long days when it's possible so I can be around on the days when there are things going on. We don't use breakfast club or after school club or have family help. One of us takes them to school/nursery and collects them every day. One or usually both of us is there for every school event, parent's evening, etc. Our children haven't suffered at all and we have great high earning careers and really enjoy what we do.

That said, my mum went back to work FT when I was 3 months and I did a mix of nursery/preschool, breakfast/after school clubs, and grandparents until I was 12. It was also perfectly fine.

My friend with 4 kids works 4 days in a busy corporate job. I’m ttc my third and will absolutely go back full time. Corporate role, long hours. It’s busy but that’s life? Better than not working!! Find great childcare, do what works for you. Sod the rest. And think of this thread- you are being one more woman people can point to and say see it can be done, get out of my face please.

I wouldn’t be surprised at a mum with 3 children working full time, I’d be full of admiration.

One of my biggest role models in my industry has 4 children, the 3 youngest all born within four years. She went back to work part-time when they were 3-4 months old each and slowly built up to full time. Our job sees us travelling internationally for 10-12 weeks each year, sometimes a bit more. She had a very helpful partner and a brilliant nanny and they made it work. She barely remembers anything from the early days but she was a dedicated mother and she enjoyed dedicating herself to her career at the same time. The kids are now all teenagers and she is very close to all of them.

I grew up thinking I could never have a family and my dream job. She, and many other mothers in my field, have proved me wrong. It’s doable, albeit hard.

Shockingly I get similar comments from mums from my son’s school. And only from mums who don’t work. One even told me that it’s unfair for me to work when my children are young. Her child is in full time school so not sure what she does with her time during the day She judged me and I judged back.

I have two children and due another one in two weeks time. I have a professional career which I worked very hard for and after my second was born, I negotiated a full time salary on reduced hours. I work 10-4 five days week. 3 days from the office and 2 days WFH. My work is super flexible and as long as I don’t miss any deadlines and finish my work, there’s no restriction on my time. I drop my son to school everyday and do pick up twice a week. I will be going back to work after 6 months leave within the same condition.
I also have a super supportive spouse who’s an equal partner and parent who works full time. We make it work. We are very happy and have a great life.

@chocolatesweets

*Projecting that she doesn't think SHE could. Not you.

Agree. I work more than full time (5.5 days) as does my partner (6 days) our 3 kids are thriving with the help of formal childcare, we get quality time with each and all together!

MIL has 6 kids and worked full time (albeit she didn't return full time until the youngest was primary age and by that time the older 2/3 kids were quite self sufficient) but she then worked 30 years FT.

Wow, I'm in awe of all these posters with four or more kids who manage to have a career and a family, I feel quite pathetic now for doubting if I could do it with three!

And think of this thread- you are being one more woman people can point to and say see it can be done, get out of my face please.
I really hope so. I would feel much more confident if I had an older woman in my workplace to show me it can be done. With the way things are at my job there is this unspoken message that women are welcome as long as they stick to the assistant type roles, and it's sad (but totally understandable) that my female colleagues do what they feel is expected of them.

I have 5 DC and I have always worked full time, in a senior professional role. DH also works full time out of the house in a more senior professional role. I took roughly 3 months maternity leave with each. I love my DC very much but I am not overly maternal as such, so staying home full or part time doesn't appeal to me and I wouldn't be very good at it.

I am very lucky in that I had my DC relatively late and so was well established in my career. After DC1 I relocated away from my office and have been home based ever since. This gives me a good balance in that I do school drop off's. I had a nanny 9am-5pm to stay home with them when they were little (cheaper than a nursery for multiple DC), while I was working from home. This meant I still saw quite a bit of them but could focus on work and was free to travel for work as needed.

It doesn't work for everyone and it would have been harder had I been office based, but it certainly can work. I'm sure people judge me and I do feel out of the loop with other school mums as I drop and run, and my DC don't do after school activities. It helps that we are relatively well paid and so can afford childcare, a cleaner etc. I have nothing left over but that should start to ease as childcare costs diminish as they get older.