Any mums about who work full time with 3 or more DC?

[LucretiaBorgia]

I have 3 DC aged 6, 4 and newborn. I normally work full time (7am - 3 pm) in a field with ample scope for progression. I have one more year of training to do when I go back and would then like to apply for a promotion. I really enjoy my job and would like to progress significantly.

I was talking to another mum at nursery the other day and she assumed I would not be going back full time. I politely corrected her and she looked horrified, going on to say that kids suffer in childcare (I pick my kids up at 3.20 pm every day!) and implying that I wouldn't manage with 3 DC anyway.

It's made me feel quite down. There are no female role models at my job, about half the employees are female but most of them are in minor roles or don't have more than 2 DC (many don't have kids at all). Is there anyone who could give me a word of advice and encouragement? What is your experience of trying to combine career and family?

My mother worked full time and I am one of three siblings. We all turned out fine

I have a newborn, 3 and 5 year old.
I’m going back to work full time next year, I have never worked part time,
I’m lucky as I foresee working from home being longer term & I can do school pick ups etc, plus my husband works shifts so is off a lot during the week.
It’s going to be hard but not strange these days I don’t think?

Not me yet, I’m only pregnant with number 3, but I will either return after mat leave 4 or 5 days a week, prob from when baby is 8-9 months.

Dear op. I understand you. I also received the same comments (notably from the older generation or from sahms). It can work and luckily in my current job there are several mums doing the same. When my kids were small, we had an au pair. We would leave at 7 in the morning so the au pair dressed and fed our elder kids while we took the youngest to the nursery. Since a couple of years we only have help in the afternoon. I work away from home while since the pandemic my husband works from home. He drops them at school in the morning, and we've found a nice lady who picks them up at 15.30 and plays with them in our home until 18.00. As we live abroad, we have no help from parents or other family. I love my job and being a sahm would not be my cup of tea (but I have full respect for those who can). Of course there are those who say that my kids must suffer. I myself grew up with a sahm who I would now describe as a 'helicopter' mum as she was everywhere we went (school committees, school trips, girl guides etc.). I've always felt very stifled because of this, as I had hardly any occasion where I could 'be me' without my mum being present or quickly hearing about it. I must say that I do not have friends or (a lot of) personal time or a social life. This is hard. Certainly as they grew older, I find myself always surrounded by kids from the moment I walk through the door. That is difficult, but obviously I now count my working time as me time, with silence and a cup of tea.

I think not many people have 3 kids so you've got a smaller pool of people to look to, certainly I know women in senior positions at work who have 3 though. If you have the support, flexibility and childcare it will be fine

I have three and wouldn't have had (didn't have) the energy or focus to work ft when they were younger. That's in a professional role with lots of exams and a decent amount of responsibility and autonomy.

BUT, I have no wider family support at all and their dad worked ft with a long commute, so a huge amount of everything was up to me. I did work 3.5 days and found that kept my career ticking along.

In different circumstances - more support, or just being a very high-energy person! - I think it would be great to keep working ft, and it's very clear to me that I'm about 10 years behind where I want to be in my career now the kids are all secondary school age and I can up my hours again. They adored their childminder and see her as part of an extended family now.

I am medical too. I know lots of mothers of three who work FT. I know one colleague who has 6 and has been FT (previoisly 4/5) since her youngest went to school.

8, 6 5 and 3yr old. I've always worked full time. Didn't even really take mat leave. I've a full time nanny whose been with us 7 years. It's a fantastic set up and I love both my work and my home life.

I am currently on maternity leave with DC number 4, but have worked full time in a fairly senior role after having twins and then another child.

Good childcare is absolutely vital. If you can trust your provider and know that your kids are happy there then you're able to concentrate properly on the job.

A cleaner is helpful. I think it's easy to forget that running a house takes time and effort, and that young kids add to the mess yet can't do much to help with it!

My older kids are now late primary age, and they need me more now than they ever have before. They don't want to go to after school club or the childminders; they want to come home and play online games with their friends, or go to the park, or have play dates. I am sometimes sad that I didn't get to do so many preschool-years things with them, but I also got a lot of fulfilment and satisfaction from my career. It's a hard balance.

I am now hoping to negotiate part time hours, because my older kids need me. We are also more financially stable, so part time is less financially risky. I am looking forward to spending more time with my last baby than I was able to with my older children.

Your 3pm finish will make this really work for you, you can do school pick up, after school park trips, friends for tea etc.
It is unusual, I only know 2 mums who work full time. In fact in my children's primary school there is only one teacher who works full time and he's male! Even the head and deputy head are part time. Though obviously I know that teachers work far more than their contracted hours so in order to have a better work/life balance they need a day away from the school.

You can do it, there are many successful women who haven't got there by working part time.

Go for it! Your children will thrive. Be that role model for others, and your children.

My tips:

• be firm and unapologetic about your boundaries at work. Your hours sound very family friendly and fixed which is great.

• Make sure that time at home is all about the children as much as you can. Get a cleaner if it’s affordable. I do agree with PP point about other full timers having lots of family support - that seems to be the case - but I have none and manage 4 days a week, long hours.
• Ensure your DH shares the family load and childcare otherwise working full time will be miserable for you. Needs to be a 50:50 partnership.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s really hard. I work 4 days a week, my daughter is at nursery on those days and apart from one friend who is full time that’s more than her peers who are only in 2-3 days typically. I like working and am very career focused. My daughter is thriving and I’m happy with the balance.

My aunt does with 4 and I gave two friends who are one of 5+ and both their moms worked, I can't remember full time or not but both still have careers now.

It is doable provided you have support. One of the biggest problems would be if the children are sick so can't go to school/nursery but you need to work. Likewise having someone to do school/nursery drop-offs or collections if you are running late.

This issue is why people on higher salaries/without family support tend to consider having a nanny.

Working hours aren't set in stone. I have two DC, but in various jobs I've worked nights, three days, four days and am now full-time.

Oh yes it must be terrible for your poor DC playing with other children and doing fun activities all day. They would be much better at home with you while you do the housework and set them a good example of not earning your own money.

When my third baby was 9 months old I went back full time, out of house 7-7. In all honesty I hated it and have stepped back for a while. But am about to go back into more of the same now she's 3. You can't really win. Staying at home sucks after a while, so does working full time, but in my industry that's all there is.

I think one of the issues with having 3 and working full time is the cost of holiday care. Our local kids club costs £200 for 5 days if you * by 3 - then you need to earn a lot to make working viable. Add in the cost of before and after school care (if needed) and for some they are better off working school hours or part time.

Yes! I was Back 1st of this month after mat leave from having DC3.
Also went for promotion upon returning & got it!
DH is self employed so works around the kids.
I know where you are coming from though as some of the SAHM's do pass judgement. Interesting when they've never worked.

I know one mum of 5 kids under 11 (blended family) who works full time as a teacher.
Her husband is self-employed so can be flexible if necessary to do some pick-ups.
The school age children do before and after school club and the littlest is in nursery with grandma on stand-by for illness.
She is phenomenally organised!

@LucretiaBorgia I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old and I'm due in 4 weeks. I'm taking a year of maternity leave and will be back in April next year as a working mum of 3. No family support apart from DH and we will be fine I hope 🤞I've always worked full time and DH has been the one to take parental leave. He will be taking parental leave after my maternity leave.
It helps to plan ahead and yes plans do change but a reliable nursery/childminder is a must in our case. My older two are in school so full time care for just for baby. I will ignore people's opinions and do what's best for your family.

I have one child, have worked FT including overseas travel all through his life, and dh also works FT - no family support (at all, not just on an everyday basis) or nanny here. Two of my close colleagues do have 3 children and have worked FT all the time - one has big age gaps and had a nanny for 2 and 3, the other has a 2 year gap with twins as the second. Both travel for work.
All of our youngest children are about to be 15 and seem to have turned out pretty well!

@dropthedeadhorse

Oh yes it must be terrible for your poor DC playing with other children and doing fun activities all day. They would be much better at home with you while you do the housework and set them a good example of not earning your own money.

Can we not make this a bunfight? I'm all about the working mum life and would rather have my tonsils extracted without anaesthetic than SAH, but there's no need for us to be snide about SAHPing on this thread.

I know many mums of 3 who work full time. They manage perfectly well and their children are happy and thriving. Getting childcare nailed down is crucial.

Mine are 25, 24 and 19 now, but I always worked full time as does my DH. They all went to nursery (8.30 - 5.30) everyday. DH took them and I picked up. It was doable, but hectic! DH’s job meant that he could work from home which was helpful if someone was ill, however he did sometimes go away with work and I had to sort out drop offs etc. I am a teacher so could (in those days) never work from home or make up hours, but it did mean that I could be more flexible in the holidays which helped. We had no family near, but did occasionally ask favours from friends.

@Mumdiva99

I think one of the issues with having 3 and working full time is the cost of holiday care. Our local kids club costs £200 for 5 days if you * by 3 - then you need to earn a lot to make working viable. Add in the cost of before and after school care (if needed) and for some they are better off working school hours or part time.

If you and your partner use some annual leave separately plus the odd week of unpaid parental leave, it shouldn't be that many weeks of school holidays to cover?

I can't bear judgemental people like her. Next time you see her say "Nichola Horlick".