DS hates writing / school so much he cries every day

[SleepingStandingUp]

He's 5, year 1. He's come down this morning first day back and once again there's tears. I've tried cuddles and talking out and then firm boundaries re uniform and going. But he still cries / screams every day.

Today he's said he doesn't like it because of the learning and he doesn't like the learning because of writing. He's saying his hand hurts but he's quite prescious so if it actually hurt to do something he'd say at the time, and it doesn't hurt to do Lego and other fine motor skills things.

I'm just at a loss..

We're on a list for support with him dealing with his big emotions but it isn't specifically about school.

School SENCO knows I struggle of a morning but he seems ok once there if occasionally oppositional.

I'm dreading getting him out the door.

The thought of another decade of this sadness...

Any Wise words on how we get through this and please don't do the "you tell him to get dressed and get out the house" because he will but he's still sad and crying every morning. He never misses a day or goes in late because of this so he hasn't learnt if he moans enough I concede

I would pick a quiet time like bedtime and talk about what writing is like for him. Maybe his hand does hurt, I can remember that from school. Maybe his teacher is getting cross and telling him off because he isn't writing enough. Maybe he just can't get any ideas of what to write about. There are lots of different reasons but until you know the real one you can't really help. If it is hand pain then he could do things to strengthen his hand muscles like playdough and threading. If it is getting ideas his teacher could give him a word mat or make sure that he knows the sentence he is supposed to be writing before he leaves the carpet. If he is 'just' being a bit lazy then I guess you could talk about how we have to do things we don't like before we go off to play.

There is Def a thing about not liking it, so being slow, so teacher telling him off etc.

We've had the "you just have to push through" conversations, the pointing out all the best bits of school, being really positive about school etc. He just can't articulate beyond not liking learning, not liking writing.

Is he dyslexic?

When my daughter was at school she would cry when I tried to get her to do her homework, 3hrs for a tiny sentence.

In the end we stopped all homework and got the SENCO on board.

She is 24 now and still struggles with writing, everything is in block capitals

The only experience I have with kids with dyslexia is my nephew who struggled with reading, that's one thing DS is good at and does happily for fun. Also letters etc no more muddled than av for a 5 yo so occasionally but not systematically

In terms of getting up and ready on a morning, have you looked into visual timetables? Some children find them helpful to see what happens next. If his teacher also has one for their morning routine in class it could be one strategy used between home and school.

In terms of his writing and how he feels about learning, I would try to pick a calm time to talk about school. Ask open ended questions about what he likes about school, what he is good at, and what he think he needs more help with. That would give you some information to speak to his teacher and the SENco to see if more support is needed in class, or whether there might be grounds for SEN support.

Could he possibly be dyspraxic? Have you tried different pencils etc, some may have a different grip that helps.

My five year old ds dislikes writing too. He finds it a real chore and his pencil grip/ fine motor control is poor.

He also feels sad about being in school too and would rather be with me. It’s difficult because there isn’t much you can do. I think part of my son’s difficulties is that he is so painstakingly slow and then feels upset when he is left behind. I saw this a lot during live zoom lessons when he felt he couldn’t keep up. This wasn’t an intelligence/comprehension issue, but down to fine motor control and speed.

I try to keep things really positive (as I’m sure you do). We do practice a small bit of writing every Saturday and Sunday so that he can earn game time - this helps him cooperate. My reasoning is that if he can improve a bit quicker and he feels a success, this might help him to cooperate and enjoy it more at school. We also read every day (a lesser chore!) and I try to keep it light and cheerful so he usually cooperates well.

Anyway, my sympathies as it isn’t easy sending them to school sad

You need to explore this further and speak to the school. It’s not reasonable to repeatedly force a crying child to do something they don’t want to do. It can cause lifelong psychological issues. I know because it was done to me.

Also eye sight, eye muscle tracking. My dd had week eye muscles so if she looked up at the board it takes a few seconds to focus, then she’d read it, look back at her work and by the time it’s refocused she’d forgotten what she’d read on the board, repeated several times. She’s also dyslexic but that diagnosis cam much later. It’s worth getting an eye test.

An he do colouring in without his hand hurting ? That might build up strength in his hand

So my 5 year old is possibly dyspraxic/hypermobile in year 1 and writing is a flipping disaster. Annoying for a very bright boy. We don’t have tears in the morning when he is going to school but homeschooling was appalling.

If your ds is 5 and in year 1, he must be a late spring/summer birthday too. I’m not pushing for a diagnosis for my ds yet because I know that kids, especially boys, who are young in their year are much more likely to get diagnosed just because their fine motor skills develop more slowly.

However, I have spoken to the school and was recommended the Write from the Start handwriting books. These are a really gentle start - just drawing circles and things at the beginning - but we have found them very helpful for slowly strengthening ds’s hands. Lego etc which he loves too (and which doesn’t seem to be an issue like writing...)

@LolaSmiles visual timetables? We have a set, he just moved the things so school isn't on it so it becomes a "thing" then a bedtime but I did say today did he want to go back to using them because he forgets it's school and then gets upset when I remind him.
pick a calm time to talk about school... what he likes about school "nothing!" what he is good at "nothing!!" what he think he needs more help with "I don't know, I have school days!!"

• that's just from experience.

He gets 121 for physical stuff but she does do some learning support too. We're currently working on him being able to move more in class and not losing playtime if he is slow

@Hugsandsquishykisses sympathies x

@bearclaw the days when he's been dumped outside the door crying are very few and far in-between and v last option. He left happily today, whined a bit and walked into school smiling. Sometimes he walks out the house smiling but gets upset at school. Mostly leaves here a bit moody and is fine on the walk and is a bit grumpy at the door but fine once in class

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore yeah he's late May but should have been July and is young for his age. I discussed holding him back but was strongly disuaded by school as not necessarily as he's bright enough but yeah, just aahhh. I queried dyspraxia but again don't want to push for a diagnosis when there's lots of other stuff going on with physical health. We did have a consult with OT about core strength exercises and fine motor skill stuff. And yeah he's great at Lego too

What are the issues with his physical health? Would this link in with it hurting when he is writing?

No, and he's never mentioned it hurting and he's a bit of a wuss with pain so I think it was one of those "say yes and she might not make me" things although I'd never rule it out. Hesl's on O2 and has tricky lungs and heart.

He's a little extra flexible in his hands but not at his elbows

Has he made friends at school?

My dd has hypermobility, went to OT for assessment aged about 12 - her wrists starting hurting after 1 min 38 seconds of writing. Imagine a full school day of that

There were lots of other things going on with her, mine and her life started the day she ended compulsory education.

I read your OP and was immediately thinking "is he summer-born?" and can see you've answered that further down. Honestly I would seriously consider moving him back to reception but this depends if the school have spaces and would be on board with it. The main issue here for the future is that this negative experience could frame his view to learning and school that could go on and on and on. As a summer born he perhaps just needs some extra time to play first. It's very common for issues for summer born children to begin in year 1 as opposed to reception given reception is more play based than year 1. There is a great Facebook group called 'flexible school admissions for summer born children', have a look there. This is not just about whether he's 'bright' enough to manage the year 1 curriculum at the moment it's his whole emotional well-being linked to his feelings around his abilities and school as well. If he's keeping up now he will thrive or excel at it a year later and hopefully without the emotional struggle he has now.

Oh OP, I feel so sad for your little boy.
In the special school I worked at and with my own DS, I used to use play-doh and a real fork and knife to help learn to cut food, for example. With writing, we used pencil grips. DS is about to turn 7 and hasn't needed them since year 1, but he tends to use these pencils: Stabilo easystart ergonomic pencils. He too finds writing really laborious. In year 2, and turning 7 in May, he's fine about it. He has a moan, but he copes with it much, much better than he did in year 1. Year 1 was a hard year for him. He made quite a leap in maturity between summer of year 1 and now. Your DS will do the same, I am sure.
Given your boy's needs, make sure he's getting breaks. All SEN kids in our school- whether they have ASD or are, like your son, on O2, get 'movement breaks' or just breaks away from the class. The classroom can be totally overwhelming and exhausting. So make sure they're giving your DS time to just rest and have quiet moments. It's really, really important.
I'm an adult in heart failure and I absolutely have to draw lines in the sand with people all the time and just be alone. People are bloody draining!
I can imagine school's pretty full-on for your little guy. As he gets older and grows, I have no doubt he'll cope better (simply because he'll have a voice and be able to express his needs better).

Many more children have struggled in Y1 this year due to having curtailed YR due to lockdown 1 and then a shorter time in Y1. Hopefully, most schools are taking this into account with still offering learning through play in Y1 etc

Lots of really helpful posts here. I just wanted to give solidarity, my ds in also in year 1 (but is November born so already 6) and he also says he hates school, it's boring, it's hard, he doesn't want to do all the work:-(.

As far as ds is concerned there are afaik no SN, but he is still really struggling with y1.

My 3 older dc also struggled with y1 as it is such a big change from reception and it is hard work as they are having to learn so many new skills.

I also think it's obviously worse atm due to covid and bouncing in and out of school. Ds keeps saying he'd rather home learn (even though he hated that even more!!) and I feel it's probably harder for them knowing there is an at home option, whereas my older kids wouldn't have considered there were any alternatives to school.

I don't know what the answer is for my ds other than time as I think it is just he's having to get used to working hard:-(.

I also meant to say, I really wish school would take it slower and give them more play time but they just seem to be marching on with work which I do understand but it is sad for the little ones:-(

Just to add, my SEN DS is also summer-born (May 28th). I considered repeating year 1 because he was so unhappy and it all seemed so daunting. It was a bit of a washout, year 1.

I am glad I didn't have him stay behind a year because he really did, as I mentioned in my above post, make that leap. Kids tend to mature in leaps and by age 7-8, you'll have quite a clear picture of where your little boy is at.
Really push for those breaks from the classroom. It's a very normal request (that they don't tell you about! Other parents of kids with needs informed me and I'm really glad I asked).

@ineedaholidaynow

Has he made friends at school?

Yes and no. He's behind on social skills so still struggles at play time etc, he'll walk up and talk at kids but a bit at not to iyswim. He has one Def friend and some of the others try, school say he's often alone at playtime but seems ok. I've told thEm he tells me it makes him sad and they're meant to be helping him work on it. Out and about he'll talk to anyone but they've all known each other over 2 years now so I think that can be what he finds harder

@Frazzledbutcalm

My dd has hypermobility, went to OT for assessment aged about 12 - her wrists starting hurting after 1 min 38 seconds of writing. Imagine a full school day of that

There were lots of other things going on with her, mine and her life started the day she ended compulsory education.

Ok, I'll look for the OTs number and mention it to the SENCO, thanos

Your DS could have Dysgraphia - my DS has it and it was not diagnosed until he was 12. We suffered until then. He was like your DS - cried at school and did all he could to avoid writing. He is also very intelligent and so he was stressed that he could not write down what he wanted to say.

Now that he has a diagnosis, all has changed. He uses a laptop and he types his answers to all questions. For state exams he will have a scribe.

There is huge support out there for kids who have this disability. Once it would have held them back, now thankfully, the world is a better place. And there are loads more schools who help and understand DC with issues.